One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

Edited May 26, 201412 yr by Sharon C.

I wish this was uncommon, but I really don't think it is. I'm sorry you have to go through it, and although this makes her appear to be a self centered judgmental jerk, I would bet she's also jealous. I was banded 8 years ago and my dearest friend in the world was totally against it. She could not believe I would do something so "drastic". She stated her opinions and concerns often but once it was done, there wasn't much left to say.

She didn't immediately drop me as a friend, it took about 6 months. I no longer wanted to go eat at Denny's at 2am, instead I wanted her to go to the gym with me or walks at night. I didn't want to have movie and cookie night, I wanted to skip the cookie part. The things that we did together often revolved around food. As my relationship with food changed, ours did too. When she decided I had changed and we couldn't be friends anymore, I was devastated. We had been besties since college and it was a tough loss. Time went on, I missed her but I didn't dwell on it.

Fast forward 3 years, one day out of the blue I got an email from her. It was very long and heartfelt, I cried reading it. She apologized for being unsupportive, admitted she had been jealous that I had the guts to make the changes she wished she could. She had missed me as much as I missed her and wanted to try to mend the relationship

Today, she is my bestie, I love her to death. I just had band to bypass conversion and she's been by my side. Her opinion has changed about wls and is starting her supervised 6 month diet.

What your friend has done is awful, the blog hurts, my friend wrote one too and it sucked. But know this has nothing to do with you, these are her own demons. If she is truly a friend, she will eventually come around and then it is for you to decide if the friendship is worth pursuing. Right now is your time to be selfish, you are taking control of you life. Let her figure out her own, alone.

well, good for you on taking that step to get healthy

sounds to me like someone doesnt like that and wants you to be (fat) with her

if you lose weight and get healthy, she will still be fat and i am sure you get where i am going here..

i say make yourself well and let your success, your maturity help whomever you know as an example

of just how well WLS can and will work..she was right on one thing ONLY...you are beautiful now, as you were before and will be always

Edited May 26, 201412 yr by ☠carolinagirl☠

OMG.

The nerve. I am so sorry you had that happen.

This is a no brainier......tell this person see ya. The list written to you is bogus. Bariatric surgery isn't cosmetic. I have 5 incision scars, their beautiful. And what if it was? What if you wanted to have your nose worked on? A friend would support your decision. Safety can be an argument but choose your team wisely. A psych evaluation can help a person make sure they are choosing surgery with an understanding that it is not brain surgery or self esteem surgery. The one that did mine had experience in working with people with eating disorders. I didn't hate my body before or after. I was extremely uncomfortable. Not full of hate. Wow is all I can say to number 4,6,and 7. It was number 3 that was interesting. A person cannot be healthy at any size. Comorbidities from obesity are deadly. I chose this tool because I wanted to have a better QUALITY of life. Better sleep, a stronger body, better sleep. It wasn't about being thin vs being fat. This forum is full of people trying to achieve healthier lifestyles. It is exiting to lose weight. There is a lot of hard work here in this forum. Welcome!

There isn't anything I can say that others haven't posted in response to you. I just want to tell you that I'm on your team, and there are many of us here who truly care about you. Keep reading, keep posting. I had my very best friend (weekly coffee, holidays, weddings, vacations together, etc, etc) break my heart 2 days before my surgery by bailing on me after she insisted I didn't go to Mexico alone for my surgery. I had rearranged the surgery to fit her schedule, purchased her airline ticket and the whole shebang. I was hurt and pissed and truly non-plussed by her behavior. I went anyway, and I chose to forgive her, for this is my deal, my fight, my choice, my solution. By owning it, I get to claim the rewards, and I get to accept her, where-ever she is in the process. Our friendship is not the same. I miss her sometimes, and I miss having a devoted female friend. Not sure if it ever will be the same in the future. That's life. I always believe that God, or whatever that spirit thing is called, puts people in our lives as we need them, and them us. When it no longer serves both parties, new friends and connections come to fill new times, circumstances and needs. Sounds like you are moving on...Best Wishes and stick close to us...

I told one of my very close friends about the journey i was about to embark on over the weekend and she told me how loved i am and that I have a very solid support system of people that will be by my side through out the whole process! Thats a bff!!

I think she's a HATER disguised as a friend!!! You are doing what's best for u! My very best friend from back in HS & in my 20's once told me "If you were thin, I wouldn't be your friend." That hit me as awkward but it took a long time to realize that when we make personal changes in ourselves it often affects other peoples comfort zone making them insecure and uneasy. That being said, This is truly their problem, NOT OURS!!! Good luck to you!

So it seems she knows what is best for you....she doesn't have to understand or accept what you do for yourself, it is your journey and if she doesn't want to be friends anymore than so be it...I'm sure there are other people whose friendship is more valuable instead of judgemental.

OH.MY.GAWD.

She is no friend. She is someone who is SO insecure about herself and her body and she is so bitter about her weight that she is labeling her insecurity "fat acceptance". If she was truly accepting of herself and her body and she was confident in who she was on the inside and the outside, she wouldn't give a rat's ass about what you are doing with your body.

I won't even address all the factual errors she made nor will I address what a manipulative b!tch she is being.

Let her go. You don't need her and her negativity. You are making the right choice for YOU and if she loved you and she was truly your friend, she would be excited for you.

F--- her. For real.

I believe your friend has had serious issues with her own body acceptance and eating disorders so is experiencing a more severe reaction to your having weight loss surgery--it's hit her to her core. I think that's why this may be such a huge knee jerk reaction as it reminds her of her own internal fight and it brought up some very difficult psychological issues she has dealt with. Its disheartening that she is not ready to understand this is for your health and not just for looking thin but understand that she too has to fight her own battles and is just not able to reconcile this right now and may never be able to.

Give her a week or two then consider writing her back and list every physical ailment you suffer from due to your weight--including a shortened life span. Give her real scientific data. Tell her that your not looking for a "pretty" body and don't want to be rail thin. You will most likely have sagging skin, temporary hair loss and whatever side effect you can think of so she knows it's not just a quick fix and it isn't a miracle "cure" for being obese. It is also not cosmetic surgery--liposuction and body contouring is.

She may need to know the surgery itself is not the end to improving your health but the entire program is--psychological therapy, physical therapy and dietary guidance to help you think of your health first and choose a healthier lifestyle. This is for life, not just 6 months. If she finds that she comes to a place mentally to accept that then you would still appreciate her support as a good friend as it will be the most difficult journey in your life so far and need all there'll you can get. Let her know you will still be you, just healthier.

I have yet told anyone in my family I'm undergoing this journey.. More so because it's something I'm doing for me, for myself, my body. No one lives with my struggles but me. I don't know yet if I'll be approved but my mind is positive on I'm going to be approved.. My point is you shouldn't worry what your friend or Anyone else thinks of feels about this.. It's your choice!!! You'll do great hun xoxo ????????

you are not her best friend. nope. you arent her friend at all. you are a projection. meaning, when she thinks of what you have decided, she is only able to see a reflection of herself and her own issues (which are many). if she was actually able to see you as a human being separate from herself, she would be supportive of your desire to get healthy. no questions asked.

fat acceptance doesnt mean not getting healthy. it means not being mean and horrible to people who dont measure up to society's idea of what people should look like. it doesnt mean you should embrace being sick and unhealthy.

unfortunately, your "friend" is very attached to her projection, and so she is able to justify treating you in a horrid disrespectful manner for wanting to lose weight. (interesting, exactly the way she says she doesnt want to be treated for being fat, thats how you know this is a projection!)

you need to understand, this isnt about you at all. this is about her 100%. you need to just walk away. as painful as it is, there is almost nothing you can do once you become someone's projection. no amount of honest sharing, rational talking or even begging will get someone to budge... you are a human being beyond her feelings about what you are doing and you deserve to be treated with respect and care. you deserve to be accepted for who you are, not who she thinks you are.. you arent a reflection of her!

take a deep breath (or 20), tell yourself this isnt about you and keep on your path. this is just a little blip for you. keep doing what you are doing. you will find new friends who are actual friends! i know you will!

I agree with the others , she's not much of a friend. She should try and see it from your perspective. It isn't an easy decision to have WLS. You just want your health. That's why I did it. The aesthetic is a nice side effect but I just want my health and quality of life back. As i got bigger the world got smaller. I refuse to let it rule my life. You don't need people like her. You will make other friends who will be supportive. Good riddance!

Look up Huffington Post articles on how to tell you're dealing with a narcissist. It might be helpful in understanding her. Sorry you're are going through this. There are a lot of us on "medically supervised" diets on this site to get insurance approval. Use this time for self care, doing research, getting involved with my fitness pal and tracking your food and find the movement that brings you joy. Blessings on your journey!

That's a horrible thing for a "friend" to do.

I know what you're going through though, I too was a big part of the "Fat Acceptance" movement and have many friends who are as well.

As soon as I mentioned my plans for WLS due to my health and well being there went all my FA friends!, As much as it sucks and it hurts because I was real close to some people I have to let them go and understand that they were no good for me in the long run.

As far as I'm concerned now, Their loss.

I'm awesome and anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend

Fat or Not.