Okay, so I know that there are a billion threads on here about friendships/relationships changing after surgery, but I'm needing advice on this specific situation.

**Keep in mind, nobody knows about my surgery except my husband and mom, so to the outside world, it appears that I've cut out all carbs, alcohol, sugar, etc... And I work out every day. If people have asked, I say I substitute Breakfast and sometimes dinner with Protein shakes.

So here's the situation- This friend and I have been friends (best friends all through hs) since 3rd grade... About 20 years. She has always been anywhere from a size 2-6 and has been at a 6 for years. My point is, she's always been tall and skinny. For years, we lived several hours apart so we would only see each other maybe 4 times a year. Coincidentally, back in the fall, we both got promotions in the same week (different industries and companies) and ended up in the same state about 30 minutes away. Needless to say, we see each other about once a month. She is getting married in October and I'm a bridesmaid (as was she in my wedding 5 years ago).

I had my surgery in December and have lost 65 lbs. I have gone from a size 22 down to a 14. Everybody, and I mean everyone from family to strangers that I have only met a few times have given me such wonderful compliments! Of course, my family, members of my sales team, friends, etc... know this has been a life long struggle of weight loss and gain, and while everything else in life is great (career,marriage,social life), the weight is always my insecurity. So, each time I have seen this friend, I've dropped 20 lbs, 20, and then the most recent 20 totally 60 lbs when I saw her a few weeks ago. Crickets. She has not once given me a compliment or even acknowledged that I have lost weight. She is one of the most OBSERVANT people I have ever met in my life. She notices every detail of an outfit if a complete stranger walks by. Yet, she says nothing to acknowledge my shrinking body. Now, I know I did not do this to seek approval from her, however I'm a very honest and blunt person and it absolutely kills me that I've given her every opportunity to acknowledge this change and NOTHING. Here's the kicker... Last week, we were texting and she was telling me how she had just seen one of her other friends and that friend had lost 10 lbs and looked so great! "Her arms were so tiny! She is so excited! Of course I told her how great she looked!" .... I about lost my mind!!!

Well, this Wednesday, I have to go with her and her sister to shop for bridesmaid dresses... Maybe Wednesday isn't the appropriate time to say something, but I need advice, specific advice, on how to address this, what to say, when, etc... Help, people!!! I don't think I can stay quiet any longer!!!

If you don't trust her enough to tell her you had surgery why do you think you know her motivations at all?

I'd suggest she doesn't want to comment on the weight loss because she doesn't want you to think she thought of you as fat before.

Whenever someone tells me I look good after the weight I've lost in my head I hear them say "you used to be so fat and ugly you look so much better by comparison."

Or maybe your friend thinks you don't want to talk about your weight loss because you haven't mentioned it and she's afraid there's something wrong you don't want to tell her about.

Or if you've known each other a really long time maybe she never noticed you gained thew weight. I have friends from childhood I still think of as taller or shorter than me based on elementary school and don't realize their actual height until I'm standing face to face with them.

Human perceptions are much more subjective than we'd like to think.

I would have a "Come to Jesus" meeting with her,as my mother always called a direct face to face serious discussion... I would think after you ask her what the problem is, if she gets defensive about it, maybe she should find a different bridesmaid! Obviously not that great of a friend in my eyes, but I'm rather critical at times about friendships. I'm very outspoken and don't hold back so personally I would confront her before the shopping trip. If she's still a jerk, kindly give your reasons and regrets and save your self some money on buying that bridesmaid dress and go buy yourself a new outfit. You look great and you are an amazing friend. I would be honored to have a friend like you in my circle. Good luck!!!

not given compliment or even acknowledged that I have lost weight

dreamscometrue

if i were you, I also would be going a little/lot crazy with this "situation"

sounds like all your frustration/anger?? is coming to a boil

please DON'T blow up on her

you are "bigger" then that

best friends of over 20 years - come far and few apart

I hope you two can work out this situation and get back to a good relationship

as OP suggested - have a sit down for coffee

don't be offensive saying something like "why haven't you said anything about my weight loss??"

maybe say something like

"over these past 6 months that I've lost 60 lbs...........

I've had a bunch of of cool/funny happen to me"

example......

comment that it is amazing that after wearing a size 22 - the first time you tried on a size 12 - your jaw dropped!!!

clothes shopping is so much fun now - maybe we can go out together????

tell her how much healthier and happier you feel

being so much more active, exercising - loving life

one of my favorites was when i realized i had no problem going into a "regular" toilet!!!!

instead of the handi-capped!!!!

or "having" to pull the front seat up in your car - cuz your tummy is no longer in the way!!!

totally cool

once you start the conversation - see what happens

she might jump in right away with her "dumb" explanation

being apologetic (even though theres no good reason)

when she's all done - everything is on the table - gotta let it go

gotta "forgive" and try and move on

I don't "think" you want to throw this friendship out the window (no matter how inconsiderate, stupid she is/was)

60 lbs weight loss!!!!!

you are going to stand out beautifully in your size "8"? bridesmaid dress!!!!

OP will only have eyes for/on you!!!!

wellllll......maybe sometimes looking at the bride too

keep up the good work

great pic

good luck "with all "

kathy

congrats

Wait, you saw her three times and sat there and didn't say anything waiting for her to say something? How awkward. Maybe she is sitting there wondering why in the heck you are not saying something. Your friends for goodness sake. I know it is obvious, but you are the one with the news, you should be bringing it up and starting the conversation.

Not all friends can be all things. I'm 52, and my three best friends are all from my high school years. I stay in touch with all three, but only told my very best friend, because she is my emotional rock of support for everything, not just WLS. I wanted to tell my friend who lives in another state, but she was recently married to a guy who basically is a blowhard, opinionated jerk who fights with me about politics, etc. , every time we interact. I just didn't want the drama from him, so unfortunately, I didn't tell her. They have one of those joined-at-the-hip marriages where they read each other's Facebook, email, etc. I would love to tell her, because she had her own huge weight loss a few years back and knows the struggle. She was also my first WW partner when we were 16 years old.

My third friend is a good friend too, but honestly, I just don't want it slipping out over Facebook, and she posts stuff constantly. I have business associates on Facebook, and many family members who don't know (only 5 people total know) and it's not worth the risk for me. Maybe someday I will tell her, but not now.

My point is, I am choosing not to tell these two very good friends for my own reasons. I expect that if they figure it out or whatever, they may feel hurt that I didn't. I have to accept that with my decision to remain private comes the real possibility of them not mentioning my weight loss. I doubt it, because all of us have struggled and it will likely come up.

Now, I'm a lot older than you are, and not in competition with anyone anymore in any real way, except in my career. We're old ladies now, LOL. But I'll just say that, guess what? These three babes were also my bridesmaids, and I was maid of honor for two of them. If your friend is your friend deep down, you'll eventually talk it out. I don't think prior to the wedding date is good for anybody. Rejoice in your weight loss, toot your own horn, and wait for a heart to heart until the wedding is behind you and everything's not all about her anymore. She could just be an insecure bride. And don't kid yourself, right now it's all about her. As it should be.

I don't understand why her approval is important. If she willingly has said absolutely nothing about your weight loss maybe she feels it would be inappropriate to ask you. Just do what you are doing and ignore that fact that she has not said a word. Some people just don't like to butt in other peoples business especially when weight is concerned. Maybe she feels that if she says something you might get offended. I would stop fishing for compliments from her and when she is ready to say it then let her. I don't see the need to get other peoples approval of my body image and you shouldn't either. She may feel uncomfortable for saying anything to you about it because weight is such a touchy subject.

I am one of those people that are sometimes oblivious to changes in others.

For instance, I have a very dear friend whom I see a couple of times per month. She had changed her hair from brunette to dark blond and I 'kinda' noticed something was different but it was in a back-of-my-mind sort of way and I didn't say anything about it. As soon as she pointed it out I was like"Oh Yeah! That's what's different!"

One time she went from straight hair to a drastically new cut...bangs, shorter, different color. The same thing. I just 'kinda' noticed she looked different.

My Mom lost around 40 pounds after being in FL for three months. All I noticed was she looked more tan.

I drive the same route to the grocery store. Have for two years. At some point I noticed that the center of town (a veeery small town) looked different. My daughter pointed out that they had demolished two building side by side weeks before.

At other times I will notice details of things that some may miss. If someone adjusted their landscaping I'll spot it in a minute. A new aspect of interior design/decorating I will notice immediately. I pick up on subtle cues and behaviors of individuals which hint to their psychology.

You should cut her some slack. She is probably preoccupied with her wedding. Maybe her other friend who lost 10lbs pointed the weight loss out to her. Honestly, and I mean no disrespect, but it is classic passive-aggressive behavior when you deliberately do NOT point out something to someone and then become offended when that person doesn't notice.

Just be honest and say to her, "I am so excited to tell you that I've lost XX pounds!". I'm sure she will be happy and excited for you.

By the way, you look FABULOUS! You should be very proud of your accomplishments!

Maybe she is just being a real friend and being respectful?

Could be she is taking it as none of her business if you aren't the one opening up the conversation. I wouldn't get bent out of shape having unnamed expectations of someone.

Congrats on your progress.

I think you should share your loss with her. she may feel hurt because you haven't confided in her your weight loss struggles and successes. The next time you see her I think you should say.... As you are trying on dresses....."I've lost xxxx lbs and I can't believe i can fit in this dress.... What do you think?". See what her response is. Tell that you are so excited that's she's getting married and be excited about her too. And tell her how beautiful she is in her dress before you discuss your transformation too.

Wow! You're getting wonderful advice here. We're such a smart group...

Wow, you are all so nice with your advice. Lol. After what I posted I feel like fricking Nancy Olsen (the biotch from Little House on the Prairie)!!! Lol. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!!

First of all, you look great!!!!

Secondly, has her sister seen you? Because if not, I'd wait til she does, and shed probably say something about your weight loss in front of her, which would then make her have to acknowledge something! If she then just turns around and changes the subject, then I don't know what to tell you, lol. I wouldn't know what to do then. Probably do confront her, just not on Wednesday.

Edited March 23, 201412 yr by EarthyGoalie

If it was me with my BF, my comment would have come when she was going on about her friend's 10 pound loss. This is just my personality, but I would have come back with something like "gee, you notice her 10 pounds, but not the 60 pounds I've lost.....what's up with that?" If you are that close of friends (I think) you should be able to drop a comment to get her attention.

There have been times when my BF hasn't noticed something, and it's never been intentional. We are both 58, and we've been BFs since we were 6. She's more like a sister. She once told me that when she sees me (and she's seen me through it ALL), she just sees ME. Maybe your friend has seen you through so many ups & downs, that she doesn't really pay attention. That's not to say that you shouldn't BRING it to her attention, but her absence of acknowledgement isn't necessary malicious. You won't know what the deal is until you bring it up. Maybe just lightly.......doesn't need to be a huge big deal.

And I disagree with the above poster who said that you shouldn't need approval from anyone. I don't think you're looking for approval, as much as simple acknowledgment of your success.

Edited March 23, 201412 yr by mrsto

Two of my good friends, who know about my surgery, came to a special event of mine the week before last. After that event, I got a number of comments like, "You are so full of surprises!" and "Your transformation is incredible!" and it left me going, "Huh?"

They were "blown away" by my "newfound confidence and poise." I turned this over and over in my head and finally realized, that they had never seen me get up and speak in front of a crowd before. But in fact, this is something I do frequently and I have never had a problem with it. So THEY attributed my "ability" to do this to my weight loss.

I've had conversations with them about this before…that after a few weeks out, my WLS was not the determining factor in my life. But for them, it's possible that my weight was something that they had worried about or commented on and so as they observe me getting thinner, they attribute my comfort level and successes to that entirely.

My point is that we don't always know what's going on in others' heads, in how they perceive us and what their baggage is going into it, even when we've known them a long time. To be clear, they were both aware that I am a performer and lead a couple of nonprofits that require public speaking. It's not like this was dormant and then came out after weight loss. But somehow, THEIR perception of me has been evolving.

Another friend who has known me for longer recently shrugged and said, "I don't see any big change, you know; you just look like yourself again." This is after 50+ pounds. Of course there is a change. But again, it all has to do with her and not with me. And it's also possible that this friend just relates to me more closely and doesn't SEE me so much.

If it were me I would probably let it go unless she threw me a softball (like the friend who lost 10 pounds) again.