Okay, so I know that there are a billion threads on here about friendships/relationships changing after surgery, but I'm needing advice on this specific situation.

**Keep in mind, nobody knows about my surgery except my husband and mom, so to the outside world, it appears that I've cut out all carbs, alcohol, sugar, etc... And I work out every day. If people have asked, I say I substitute Breakfast and sometimes dinner with Protein shakes.

So here's the situation- This friend and I have been friends (best friends all through hs) since 3rd grade... About 20 years. She has always been anywhere from a size 2-6 and has been at a 6 for years. My point is, she's always been tall and skinny. For years, we lived several hours apart so we would only see each other maybe 4 times a year. Coincidentally, back in the fall, we both got promotions in the same week (different industries and companies) and ended up in the same state about 30 minutes away. Needless to say, we see each other about once a month. She is getting married in October and I'm a bridesmaid (as was she in my wedding 5 years ago).

I had my surgery in December and have lost 65 lbs. I have gone from a size 22 down to a 14. Everybody, and I mean everyone from family to strangers that I have only met a few times have given me such wonderful compliments! Of course, my family, members of my sales team, friends, etc... know this has been a life long struggle of weight loss and gain, and while everything else in life is great (career,marriage,social life), the weight is always my insecurity. So, each time I have seen this friend, I've dropped 20 lbs, 20, and then the most recent 20 totally 60 lbs when I saw her a few weeks ago. Crickets. She has not once given me a compliment or even acknowledged that I have lost weight. She is one of the most OBSERVANT people I have ever met in my life. She notices every detail of an outfit if a complete stranger walks by. Yet, she says nothing to acknowledge my shrinking body. Now, I know I did not do this to seek approval from her, however I'm a very honest and blunt person and it absolutely kills me that I've given her every opportunity to acknowledge this change and NOTHING. Here's the kicker... Last week, we were texting and she was telling me how she had just seen one of her other friends and that friend had lost 10 lbs and looked so great! "Her arms were so tiny! She is so excited! Of course I told her how great she looked!" .... I about lost my mind!!!

Well, this Wednesday, I have to go with her and her sister to shop for bridesmaid dresses... Maybe Wednesday isn't the appropriate time to say something, but I need advice, specific advice, on how to address this, what to say, when, etc... Help, people!!! I don't think I can stay quiet any longer!!!

Remind me why you're going to be this birds bridesmaid again?

For the life of me, I can't fathom it.

@Frederic. I think I love you.

I have been wondering too...but hey Ive never been a bride or a bridesmaid so its ...esp after losing alot of weight...its going to be a big boost ...and hot damn shell look great in that dress! Also remember everyone her FRIEND did ask her when she was at a heavier weight...soo weight issues are not a factor for her to be included as a bridesmaid...

@sillyolme1 I don't think she had a problem with her being overweight, I think she has a problem with her being thin..... Tellin' it like it is! @dreamscometrue I can't wait to see you in your bridesmaid dress too..... You are gonna look great and knock 'em dead......lol

@@Madam Reverie she's gonna be a beautiful bridesmaid that's why! sweet revenge.....lol

Remind me why you're going to be this birds bridesmaid again? For the life of me, I can't fathom it. @Frederic. I think I love you.

Ha! Trust me... I've thought several times about backing out of the wedding party and saving the $1000+ dollars I'll be spending to take part in it, however- that would surely end the friendship on horrible terms after 20 years. Plus, when she asked me... It was right as we both just moved to the same state at the exact same time and I was really hoping/still hope that our friendship can get back to where it used to be. Not sure that's even possible.

One last thought and then I'll hush (promise). I agree that to erase the stigma of WLS is a noble cause and one I hope to see happen in my lifetime. I've been a nurse for a very, very long time. I've seen the devastating effects of lifelong obesity and immobility. This is about health so much more than it is about beauty. And we are a society focused on beauty. It won't become acceptable as long as it's seen as a quick fix or as a means to take a selfie in a bikini. The medical community at large is ignorant about WLS. It's still seen as a "last ditch effort" after FAILURE. we are a long way (sad to say) from people seeing this like a gall bladder surgery. The more success we have as a community, the larger the community grows, the less the stigma will be. But we have a ways to go. And there is no harm in telling people. By no means do I advocate keeping it a secret from everyone. It's hard - support is needed. But don't put it in everyone's face everyday and make it the only thing they see about you. The coworker I mentioned before no longer works with us. But anytime her name is brought up at the nurses station, it's quickly followed by the words weight loss or surgery because everyone DOES associate her with surgery. I want to be seen for the person I am, big or small. I want to be judged for the work I do, not how much weight I've lost. If I encourage someone by being successful (and I'm too early in this journey to do that) then fine, great, excellent. But this is for ME and my health (and my children since they need their mom). I do not want to field questions about goals, food, pounds lost, with people who I KNOW like to gossip. If you don't work with anyone or know someone like that - you're lucky! People should do what they think is best for them. We should not TELL others what they should or should not do regarding telling others. I think the OP has heard us loud and clear - DONT LET OTHERS GET YOU DOWN! Okay, I'm done! Who'd a thought this post would go all rouge! ...

I guess for me the test is if you see someone who is watching what they eat and exercising and still struggling with being overweight would you tell them about how WLS helped you?

@@Madam Reverie she's gonna be a beautiful bridesmaid that's why! sweet revenge.....lol

Ha!!! Thanks girl! Yes, I hope that's the case! You know I'll be posting pics on here to keep you all updated! ANNNDD... I'll for sure update you all once I have this "talk" with my friend. Who knows- maybe this discussion will make things a little better for us now that she will know how I've been upset by her actions. I know if a friend came to me and told me I had been hurting their feelings. I would do everything in my power to make things better and fix stuff!

I guess for me the test is if you see someone who is watching what they eat and exercising and still struggling with being overweight would you tell them about how WLS helped you?

If it were someone who I felt I could trust and was already considering WLS, then I would definitely talk to that person about it. I just choose to live my life with almost everyone around me not knowing and for me, it makes things much easier and less complicated.

I guess for me the test is if you see someone who is watching what they eat and exercising and still struggling with being overweight would you tell them about how WLS helped you?

Not unless they brought it up first or asked for my opinion. I'm cautious when I talk to people about weight - theirs or mine. I feel very safe here because we sort of assume we all got here through great struggle. I hate to make assumptions about people I don't really know. A close friend would know I had surgery. An acquaintance might ask and if I thought they were sincere, sure I'd talk to them about it. I doubt I'd be part of an intervention or anything. You have to be "ready" for this.

IMHO, you have to decide what is more important, the friendship or your need to be acknowledged for your wls...

IMHO, you have to decide what is more important, the friendship or your need to be acknowledged for your wls...

Is that your honest opinion? You seriously believe that you can either A. Have friendships in which nobody should ever acknowledge your weight loss or B. Don't have friendships but people can then acknowledge your hard work... ?! Sounds pretty ridiculous to me.

IMHO, you have to decide what is more important, the friendship or your need to be acknowledged for your wls...

Is that your honest opinion? You seriously believe that you can either A. Have friendships in which nobody should ever acknowledge your weight loss or B. Don't have friendships but people can then acknowledge your hard work... ?! Sounds pretty ridiculous to me.

As rediculous as it might sound, yes, it could come down to that. You didn't feel comfortable sharing your surgery with her, she's either oblivious to your loss or respecting your privacy by not saying anything. You say this is a very close friend of over 20 years, but you don't see each other more than once per month, and you're upset about her not noticing. If you bring this up with her, you risk the friendship. If you don't, you're going to have to deal with it until she finally notices.

I lost 100 lbs. All but one of my close friends live far away. I told them I was having the surgery, but when I saw them, there was no "OMG" moment. I didn't care...I was happy to see them.

Why is it so important that other people acknowledge your weight loss? To me, this is the real question.

Why is it so important that other people acknowledge your weight loss? To me, this is the real question.

There's a difference between "other people" and someone who has been a big part of your life for 20 years who has watched how hard I've fought with my weight and knows how important it is for me to get my weight down. I know what's important to her about her life, so therefore it's important to me and I make sure to acknowledge those things. That's the way friendships work and it's my personal preference on how I like my friendships. I hope I answered your real question.

By the way, you said on Wednesday you were going to see her. How did it go?

There's a difference between "other people" and someone who has been a big part of your life for 20 years who has watched how hard I've fought with my weight and knows how important it is for me to get my weight down. I know what's important to her about her life, so therefore it's important to me and I make sure to acknowledge those things. That's the way friendships work and it's my personal preference on how I like my friendships. I hope I answered your real question.

I guess I see my friendships differently -- which is just different, not necessarily better or worse. I like that my best friend sees me -- not weight. I've never felt defined by my size. My friend is beautiful and thin, but she's always made me feel beautiful, too. She's not jealous of me -- and when I was her MOH, I'd never want to take attention away from her special day. I don't think people who truly love us think about weight like we do. She hasn't said anything about the 80 pounds I've lost, and frankly, I don't need her to. For me, validation about my weight loss comes from within. Again, not better or worse, just a different perspective.