So I recently (mid sept) had an total unfill because I was having surgery and then I had surgical complications and wound up losing 13 lbs. I was enjoying being 170 lbs...the thinnest I've been since I was a kid. But I was also enjoying eating and my weight went up to 179. I know, I know, its just 9 lbs and many of us would be very excited to be at 179...

But this AM, after the person Im dating told me, as nicely as a person can say such a thing (I love you and want you to be the healthy vibrant person you should be) that they are no longer attracted to me sexually because of the weight gain. Of course they offered to diet with me and they are not breaking up...but the email I got made it clear that the weight gain is really not ok.

My first impulse is to not that 1) I weighed 185 when we met and you were into me then.... 2) I hate to point out that you have gained quite a bit of weight since I met you also....but the truth is none of this is relevant.

It really hurts to hear someone you are so in love with and attracted to isn't attracted to you. This was my first relationship post surgery and presurgery I hadnt been with anyone sexually for a long time. The chemistry that we had was so good for my self esteem, it was just so amazing to be that way again. But now I'm just feeling so mortified to read an email that says, "Ive been noticing how you fill your plate and then eat everything" "I see you lumbering out of bed and I know the weight isnt helping".

We are supposed to go on a vacation next week and I dont know how to face eating meals together, sleeping in the same bed together etc. My impulse is to end the relationship and see if I can lose the weight. I just want to crawl under a rock. Then I keep telling myself that setbacks happen, and you start over. I shouldnt make such a big deal of it. But I need advice. Im at work and cant stop crying. Im glad all of this happened via email. I could not have handled this face to face. But what now? I need support people...

so if you lose 100 pounds, he will stay?

and if you lose 10 pounds you will be sexy to him again?

what if your foot gets cut off by a chain saw is he gonna leave you?...or your 2 front teeth fall out? will he leave then?

sounds like an ass to me....and a coward to tell you all this via email...

stop crying

get back on track

and hold your damn head up high/proud

and get healthy...for you...NOT anyone else.

go on vacation and have a GREAT time

put on sexy clothes, work a killer attitude and i bet anything

he will be all lovey dovey

and if he aint, his LOSS

not yours.

Go on vacation with the person and don't have sex. See how they like that. I am a very spiteful person sometimes. Don't cry about the small gain. They have a problem and don't know to tell you so that is their excuse.

Now put on your biggest smile for the wonderful job you had done. My weight goes up and down 3-6 pounds, oh well, not the end of the world. No one is perfect.

Happy holidays and enjoy the time away.

Sorry, but better he leaves you now than later. You deserve better. I know you are in love but a true partner loves you UNconditionally and is with you through all of life's ups and downs, including weight.

It would be one thing if he were saying he wanted to help you feel better about yourself since gaining 9 lbs, but to say he's no longer attracted to you is an excuse in my book. 9 lbs is NOT a very noticible difference, especially someone who see's you all the time.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you find the support you need to get through this breakup. Hopefully the next person you are with is more of a man than this person was!

so if you lose 100 pounds, he will stay?

and if you lose 10 pounds you will be sexy to him again?

what if your foot gets cut off by a chain saw is he gonna leave you?...or your 2 front teeth fall out? will he leave then?

sounds like an ass to me....and a coward to tell you all this via email...

stop crying

get back on track

and hold your damn head up high/proud

and get healthy...for you...NOT anyone else.

go on vacation and have a GREAT time

put on sexy clothes, work a killer attitude and i bet anything

he will be all lovey dovey

and if he aint, his LOSS

not yours.

CG you took the words right out of my mouth.

My ex-husband was always critical about my physical appearance and left me because he was no longer attracted to me & therefore had 'fallen out of love'...... The best thing he could have done for me!

Be with someone who loves you no matter what. You deserve nothing less.

Now is the time for you, time to love yourself, time to take care of yourself and if they cannot help you in the process then screw them!

You are beautiful and deserve so much better than that. This song is for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM

OMGOD.....over 9 lbs???? Come on...wake up...sounds to me like he is looking for an excuse to leave but is hoping you will leave him first. (If I had to guess-I would assume he already has another one that he has been seeing right now and that is why he is saying these things to you)

That is just absolutely an awful thing to say. Sorry...but 9 lbs cant make you look that different. WHat an ass! Sorry but he is. Kick him to the curb as hard as it may be for you....you dont need his kind of abuse...that is NOT LOVE!

It shouldnt matter what you look like if someone truly loves you for who you are.

I have no tolerance for his type and honestly would tell him so!.

Move on...there is someone much better out there for you who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

First of all let me say this. If you stay with him after that, you are crazy. I wish my husband for one minute would ever say anything like that to me over 9lbs. Really and you love him why? Let him go and tell him I am the same person I was 9lbs ago. Yes me the person you supposedly fell in love with not what I looked like. He would be history and fast and in an email too that would go something like this:

Dear Senseless,

Since it is apparent that you only like/love me when I am 170lbs and this 9 pounds I gained is a turn off to you then guess what I am telling you to do? Well let's see, when I met you I was much larger then I am now. You still wanted to be with me. We were awesome together and well today I don't find you awesome any longer, so please do me a favor and travel the world barefoot until you meet the girl of your dreams because this girl is moving on without YOU.

Get to packing

My heart bleeds for you, honey.

In short and sorry to be blunt - but he is not the man for you. For all the reasons my learned friends above have stated.

You are worth SO much more than that.

Go on holiday on your own. You deserve to enjoy a break, not be wracked with insecurities, which he has in no way on Gods green earth, got the right to instill in you.

You are fabulous. Walk away.

Let us know how you get on. x

He is just looking for an excuse to dump you. Nine pounds is nothing on a big person. Go ahead and break up with him. You will be doing him and yourself a favor.

He is just looking for an excuse to dump you. Nine pounds is nothing on a big person. Go ahead and break up with him. You will be doing him and yourself a favor.

My man just read your comment and said 'short and sweet - and he's right'..

Nowt clearer than that

i am going to post on this one. i have a great relationship with my husband. we married when i was thin. i went from 160lbs to 296 at my heaviest. he loved me all the same. he loved me when my kidneys failed, he loved me when he saw my heart stopped, he even got post traumatic stress disorder over the last one. he supports me in all of my endevers. he wants what i want and thats to live and be healthy. you deserve oh so much more than the clown you are with. love is uncondional. love is not painful. no man is worth all the tears you are shedding. i know what you are thinking right this min. if i do this he will love me again. well you shouldnt have to do anything. i surely don't know about this vacation thingy but i do realize money already spent you might lose the deposits. ask him to sit it out and take a good friend instead. have fun tear up the dance floor and you are going to find that you are still attractive to a whole lot of men. he isn't the only one in the pond you know.

Not all Men suck but unfortunately yours does. I agree with the others that it sounds like he is looking for an excuse to break it off without actually taking any accountability in it.

This is his issue not yours.

Everyone said the same thing I wanted to say, 9 lbs? Pooh! My how nice, is all I would say to him!!((hugs)) to you, you can find better. Best wishes!

As my wise friends before me stated, lose the loser not the 9 pounds.

He's a spineless @ss without the balls to address the real issue so he's blaming it on your weight. You need and deserve so much better than that.

I know it's hard and heart breaking but I promise you, you will find a man who will love and want you regardless of whether you weigh 170 or 300 pounds.

Don't settle for this @sshole. Find a man who deserves you.

To be honest, the bit that really bothers me is that he did this via email. I am less bothered by what he said and more bothered by how he said it. My reasons? Well, I wish my husband had said something to me sooner. I was in a real state of denial about my weight and did need a good long hard look in the mirror. Our loved ones are often those who can see the behaviours developing in us that we deny. They are the ones who have to watch us make poor decisions and we often jump on them I f they are honest with us.

I actually wish my husband had said to me years ago that he was concerned with the way I was loading my plate and eating mindlessly. I wish he had held that mirror up to my face as I was in a slippery slope that saw me top out at just under 300 lbs. why didn't he tell me? Well, I suspect it is because of most of the responses we see here. We have come to expect that our loved ones won't tell us the truth if it will hurt our feelings.

Maybe sometimes it takes hurt feelings to give us the prompt we need?

That said, he did it by email? Ugh.

I have to say I agree with everyone else, it seems most of us have been in a relationship where our weight was a deciding factor. And like most my heart was broken but its the best damn thing that EVER happened to me. I met someone whose been with me literally through thick and thin, and he is so supportive and tells me I'm beautiful even when I don't think I do.

And he emailed it to you? I would take his ticket and take someone you know you are going to enjoy yourself with. Girl, you come first always!