So I recently (mid sept) had an total unfill because I was having surgery and then I had surgical complications and wound up losing 13 lbs. I was enjoying being 170 lbs...the thinnest I've been since I was a kid. But I was also enjoying eating and my weight went up to 179. I know, I know, its just 9 lbs and many of us would be very excited to be at 179...

But this AM, after the person Im dating told me, as nicely as a person can say such a thing (I love you and want you to be the healthy vibrant person you should be) that they are no longer attracted to me sexually because of the weight gain. Of course they offered to diet with me and they are not breaking up...but the email I got made it clear that the weight gain is really not ok.

My first impulse is to not that 1) I weighed 185 when we met and you were into me then.... 2) I hate to point out that you have gained quite a bit of weight since I met you also....but the truth is none of this is relevant.

It really hurts to hear someone you are so in love with and attracted to isn't attracted to you. This was my first relationship post surgery and presurgery I hadnt been with anyone sexually for a long time. The chemistry that we had was so good for my self esteem, it was just so amazing to be that way again. But now I'm just feeling so mortified to read an email that says, "Ive been noticing how you fill your plate and then eat everything" "I see you lumbering out of bed and I know the weight isnt helping".

We are supposed to go on a vacation next week and I dont know how to face eating meals together, sleeping in the same bed together etc. My impulse is to end the relationship and see if I can lose the weight. I just want to crawl under a rock. Then I keep telling myself that setbacks happen, and you start over. I shouldnt make such a big deal of it. But I need advice. Im at work and cant stop crying. Im glad all of this happened via email. I could not have handled this face to face. But what now? I need support people...

male or female......shame people cant judge people for what is inside....

still wishing you the best ...to OP on this thread.....but i still say, hold your head up, shoulders back

and strut your stuff.....do not LET anyone control you or affect you...this is YOUR health....and you

are beautiful no matter what the scale number says..today, tomorrow or next month.....

OP-

A lot of people are focusing on the "only 9 pounds". But what about the focusing on the things that made you gain those 9 pounds? Maybe she didn't go about it right (email ugh) but maybe she was trying to give you a wake call that she sees you slipping back into old habits. Are you working your band to the fullest? Are you focused on getting healthy or have things started to slide. Only you know her, only you know her heart. You have to decide (decipher) if her message was really out of love or not. Best of luck.

I think I would be concerned about my partner's need to control my size or what I wear, etc. These may be signs of other areas of control that are in jeopardy. I wonder if she might be intimidated by the control you have in your life now -- the powerful decision you made to get the band and to be whole and healthy may be bringing up issues for her. Choose yourself first. That way you bring the very best you into any relationship. Choose a partner who supports you in your quest for self-fulfillment, creativity and individuality. Some one who treasures you.

OK so I went on vacation. It was quite awkward and I felt very self conscious, but frankly, the whole time I was there I was noticing my partners eating habits which are certainly not beyond reproach. She had dessert after every lunch and dinner and had between 4-6 alcoholic drinks a day. As much as I felt tempted to point this out, I didn't. I just minded my own business and ate how I wanted to eat, which was healthy. salads with fish for Protein mostly. I was pleased that although I dont yet really have perfect restriction I was able to eat in moderation and I was so glad to not be getting stuck on vacation. Clearly the part about not being attracted was not an issue because there was a lot of stuff that only should be discussed in the powder room area, but lets just say that it was not wishy washy. So what do I do with this information is the big question? Because I feel really hurt by what happened. I do NOT want to have the kind of relationship where we nag at each other and chip away each others confidence over too much drinking or unhealthy eating. Frankly that just results in my sneaking off to have a snack and feeling ashamed. Which I did. And which I am not proud of. I mean, she was having Desserts twice a day, so if I was craving something sweet why couldnt I have just indulged in moderation alongside instead of sneaking. It was just a granola bar for God's sake, not like I wolfed down a banana split! Ive never been ashamed of my weight or my eating and I dont intend to start now that I/m down 30+ lbs. So we need to continue to discuss this and I just hope I can be firm and resolute. I am not a child and I dont want to be motivated by fear or by someone else's disapproval.

My dear.

You are hooked up with one controlling b***h.

She already feels free to criticize your weight AND your style of dress.

She demonstrably also has a problem moderating her food and alcohol choices.

You on the other hand are actively engaged in becoming healthier. You're committed to a lapband lifestyle.

And you just have to trust me on this next bit:

When you're skinny as a rail and are wearing Chanel, she's going to criticize you for anything that occurs to her -- your hair style, your choice of literature, your tattoos, your career decisions, and your mother's cornbread dressing recipe.

Why would you want to have someone like that in your life? Wouldn't you want a partner? Someone who loves and supports YOU for the YOU that YOU are and will become?

There are lots of good people out there. You don't have to accept the first person who noticed you in a long time. Your choices are about to become more plentiful.

Best wishes to YOU.

Ann

Edited December 10, 201312 yr by VSGAnn2014

I'm so sorry you were treated this way. I have been in a relationship with the same person throughout my weight loss. I know he loves me for who I am and not what I look like. I hope this guy wakes up and sees how hurtful he's being. Well off to work I go. Have a blessed day my friend.

male or female makes no difference....ASS is the end result

She did this by email...Are you kidding me!!!!!! The child is a loser..Sorry I know you love her but really, really...really.

Life is full of uncertainties but this fact is true. If she only excepts you a certain weight, next it will be she doesn't like your height or your fingernails..It will be a roller coaster as she tries to make herself feel better about herself. Looking outward instead of inward. That is how she is dealing with her own issues...Much easier for her, not so easy for you...

This is abuse at the beginning stages....She is a non- keeper....Sorry my own opinion...There is another woman out there that will love you for who you are..don't let this child and I say child get you rolling backward to where you were before...Stop it dead in its tracks...

Email eh...coward!

Edited December 15, 201312 yr by RJ'S/beginning

OK so I went on vacation. It was quite awkward and I felt very self conscious, but frankly, the whole time I was there I was noticing my partners eating habits which are certainly not beyond reproach. She had dessert after every lunch and dinner and had between 4-6 alcoholic drinks a day. As much as I felt tempted to point this out, I didn't. I just minded my own business and ate how I wanted to eat, which was healthy. salads with fish for Protein mostly. I was pleased that although I dont yet really have perfect restriction I was able to eat in moderation and I was so glad to not be getting stuck on vacation. Clearly the part about not being attracted was not an issue because there was a lot of stuff that only should be discussed in the powder room area, but lets just say that it was not wishy washy. So what do I do with this information is the big question? Because I feel really hurt by what happened. I do NOT want to have the kind of relationship where we nag at each other and chip away each others confidence over too much drinking or unhealthy eating. Frankly that just results in my sneaking off to have a snack and feeling ashamed. Which I did. And which I am not proud of. I mean, she was having desserts twice a day, so if I was craving something sweet why couldnt I have just indulged in moderation alongside instead of sneaking. It was just a granola bar for God's sake, not like I wolfed down a banana split! Ive never been ashamed of my weight or my eating and I dont intend to start now that I/m down 30+ lbs. So we need to continue to discuss this and I just hope I can be firm and resolute. I am not a child and I dont want to be motivated by fear or by someone else's disapproval.

So what would happen if you told her all if this? It seems like you're holding a lot of you emotions in. I know at times we bite our tongue to not rock the boat but this isn't a wet towel left on the floor that annoys you. Maybe an open honest discussion would help. And by the fact she emailed you, I know that is probably a difficult conversation to have. But I encourage you to consider it if you want this relationship to continue and be healthy.

So I recently (mid sept) had an total unfill because I was having surgery and then I had surgical complications and wound up losing 13 lbs. I was enjoying being 170 lbs...the thinnest I've been since I was a kid. But I was also enjoying eating and my weight went up to 179. I know, I know, its just 9 lbs and many of us would be very excited to be at 179...

But this AM, after the person Im dating told me, as nicely as a person can say such a thing (I love you and want you to be the healthy vibrant person you should be) that they are no longer attracted to me sexually because of the weight gain. Of course they offered to diet with me and they are not breaking up...but the email I got made it clear that the weight gain is really not ok.

My first impulse is to not that 1) I weighed 185 when we met and you were into me then.... 2) I hate to point out that you have gained quite a bit of weight since I met you also....but the truth is none of this is relevant.

It really hurts to hear someone you are so in love with and attracted to isn't attracted to you. This was my first relationship post surgery and presurgery I hadnt been with anyone sexually for a long time. The chemistry that we had was so good for my self esteem, it was just so amazing to be that way again. But now I'm just feeling so mortified to read an email that says, "Ive been noticing how you fill your plate and then eat everything" "I see you lumbering out of bed and I know the weight isnt helping".

We are supposed to go on a vacation next week and I dont know how to face eating meals together, sleeping in the same bed together etc. My impulse is to end the relationship and see if I can lose the weight. I just want to crawl under a rock. Then I keep telling myself that setbacks happen, and you start over. I shouldnt make such a big deal of it. But I need advice. Im at work and cant stop crying. Im glad all of this happened via email. I could not have handled this face to face. But what now? I need support people...

Honey....always listen to your gut feeling it is truth. He has done you a favor. ..so end it now...will only hurt worse later...these WLS are tools for us to use in order for to care of SELF. Which is what we are meant to focus on at this point of our journey.

OK so I went on vacation. It was quite awkward and I felt very self conscious, but frankly, the whole time I was there I was noticing my partners eating habits which are certainly not beyond reproach. She had dessert after every lunch and dinner and had between 4-6 alcoholic drinks a day. As much as I felt tempted to point this out, I didn't. I just minded my own business and ate how I wanted to eat, which was healthy. salads with fish for Protein mostly. I was pleased that although I dont yet really have perfect restriction I was able to eat in moderation and I was so glad to not be getting stuck on vacation. Clearly the part about not being attracted was not an issue because there was a lot of stuff that only should be discussed in the powder room area, but lets just say that it was not wishy washy. So what do I do with this information is the big question? Because I feel really hurt by what happened. I do NOT want to have the kind of relationship where we nag at each other and chip away each others confidence over too much drinking or unhealthy eating. Frankly that just results in my sneaking off to have a snack and feeling ashamed. Which I did. And which I am not proud of. I mean, she was having Desserts twice a day, so if I was craving something sweet why couldnt I have just indulged in moderation alongside instead of sneaking. It was just a granola bar for God's sake, not like I wolfed down a banana split! Ive never been ashamed of my weight or my eating and I dont intend to start now that I/m down 30+ lbs. So we need to continue to discuss this and I just hope I can be firm and resolute. I am not a child and I dont want to be motivated by fear or by someone else's disapproval.

Ok...I was a tad behind when I made my first post. But...I still stand by taking care of you. My first post op year tore me inside out emotionally. I had a lot of inner healing to do that was hiding under 100 lbs. So if you are following your dream of a positive relationship...well thst is a part of healing on the inside by learning to listen to your heart and body. ..the heart is much easier to learn. Lol. When you do...a peaceful feeling lets you know without a doubt, nag, or confusion. I wish you well in body, mind, and soul.

I'm a little bit late to this party but I can relate, so I will chime in.

Relationships are complex, our feelings about ourselves are complex, open lines of communication and support should not be complex.

I went through something interesting this past year with a breakup where I began to not trust my partner because while she was obviously attracted to me, when she got mad at me she made some comments that made it clear she was being judgmental about my weight.

Some people can let that stuff go. I know me, I can't. It's all I thought about since she made those comments and I found it increasingly difficult to want to spend time with her or be intimate with her (even though she is a stone-cold fox).

Long story short, we broke up (after a few years together) and I'm still working through my feelings about self worth. Weight and attachment are my achilles heel(s) in life. I often correlate the two whether they deserve to be or not.

I had the band out when I was with her and the only thing she thought of the band was that it was "barbaric"...she also felt that any other WLS was a terrible idea. So I didn't entertain it. I got caught up in the cycle of living my life for someone else's approval. The breakup hurt immensely and kicked my confidence to the curb but in retrospect I realize I needed out.

The comments about control are right, but my bigger worries would be about the communication and trust.

Whatever decision you make do it for you and let it be one that brings joy into your world. Life is too short otherwise.

Congrats on making choices to be healthier for you and your family. Having a partner you deserve (and holding healthy boundaries) is also self-care. These are the lessons I'm reminding myself of everyday.

Lots of love and support.

Edited December 15, 201312 yr by CoffeeGrinDR