female only Emotionally Abusive Mother :(

[mznineteen 3]

Hi everyoneeee, I just had my sleeve almost 2 months ago and I've lost 20 kilos so I'm really feeling great about that. But a big problem in my life is my mother, for as long as I can remember (I'm 19) she has always been very verbally abusive to me, she puts me down constantly, swears at me, and compares me to my older sister who is the *golden* child. I can't handle the fact that she still brings me to tears with her harsh words. I feel sometimes like just running away and never coming back, but I really love my father and id never do that to him.. because of my culture I wouldn't be allowed to live out of the house outside marriage, and that really sucks. So until then I have to be as PATIENT as possible, and cope with the abusive.. I was just wondering if there were some easy ways to deal with it? Because right now I'm PMS, and I feel like I can't handle the abuse anymore and I don't know what to do

[thinoneday 445]

I'm so sorry to hear this. that is really hard. . . I was reading your post and said "well move out of the house girl". . . then I read about your culture part. . . guess you can't ask her why she treats you that way either huh? Can you talk to your dad and express how painful it is to you? Maybe he can advocate for you or is your household matriarch? Then that will be a big problem. . .I don't know what other advice to give you. . I'm sorry, but just know you are a wonderful person in the "Maker's" eyes and you are "His" child who he loves very much. . .you were placed here on this earth for a purpose, it's a purpose we will never know about and it's not for us to question. . . could be that maybe one day something will happen and make your mom realize that you are the only one she can turn to and then she may realize how horrible she has been to you. . . it's so sad to think that way but it's true cause in my culture, what goes around, comes around and those who hurt others soon have the same inflicted back to them 3x greater. . . i'll keep you in my thoughts and just know you have another "family" here to talk too. . . good luck and blessings towards you my dear. . .

[chitowngirl 884]

Wow, that sucks. Is going away for college an option?? That would get you out of the house. Maybe you can see a therapist, to help you with coping mechanism, you really can't change your mother, but you can change the way you react to her, this is something a therapist could help you with.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

Stay as positive as you can. Remember it is her misery trying to make you miserable. Don't let it win. Watch some comedy, speak with some positive people, step outside and admire the beautifulllllll world you will soon navigate without your mother.

H.O.P.E. (hold on, pain ends)

<3

[cervantes95 16]

Always keep your head up, my mom was the same . Have you tried talking to your dad about it yall seem to get along. Maybe he can talk with your mom. Just don't get married young to get out of the house. That is what i did and my husband is the same way some times . And that is a lot for you to be taking in as a young adult . I am Mexican American and my husband is Mexican so are thoughts are different maybe that is what happens with you and your mom...So i talk to him and tell how i feel sometimes when i am mad and not mad . From my experience don't bet your self up you are a great person inside and out. And don't let her make you feel any less just cause she is your mother. But just remember she is your mother. I will be praying for you ,i am not a religious person but i do pray and believe in god so just pray then talk to your mom.

[mznineteen 3]

Thanks guys for your replies, you really cheered me up.. I know it won't last forever, but sometimes it feels like it will . She is really controlling, so she rarely ever let's me out of the house, and it just feels miserable here. My dad knows exactly what shes like, but he's smart enough to know if he goes against her it'll be hell to pay. I guess in time things will be better, I just need to have patience..

[CdnExpat 49]

Two books that could help a lot are: "Emotional Incest" by Dr. Patricia Love (about what happens to the siblings in a family with a 'golden child') and "Healing Rejection and Emotional Abuse" by Jonas Clark. Both are available as Kindle books (or Kindle app for iPad). There's also "Severing the Connection: An Instruction Manual of Escaping Emotional Abuse" by Melanie Mayer.

Here in the Middle East, your situation is common, but there are ways to learn to deal with your mother's emotional & psychological abuse that do not include going against cultural expectations.

Lastly, remember that the abuse is not about you - mom targets you as the scapegoat, but the issues are hers, and hers, alone.

Hang in there. Maybe take some strategy tips from Dad... =)

CE

[mznineteen 3]

It's so much worse when she invites her besties and they sit there and complain about me :'(

[Shape_Shifter 83]

I know you indicated your culture as one of the main reasons you can't move out. Is there someone in your culture or religion you can talk to? Maybe become a helper to a nice person in your culture in return for a place to stay? nanny. helper to elderly woman? etc.

Are there different versions of your culture? Example, some Christian churches are more laid back and allow all sexual orientations and others don't. I"m not religious so I'm not sure how these things work.

This is such an unhealthy relationship and can be a never ending cycle. If you were to leave what would be the worse thing that could happen? Would your father support your decision? Would you still have friends? Could you make new friends?

It can be very scary to leave what you have always known but sometimes you gotta make the leap. You are young. You have your life ahead of you.

[Lissa 2,631]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My best advice is to see a therapist, preferably one who is well versed in your culture. Perhaps tell mommy dearest that you want to "improve" your behavior by seeing someone who can help you deal with "your" issues. A therapist can help you find ways to cope that are acceptable within your cultural background.

I grew up with an emotionally and physically abusive mother who was probably schizophrenic, but was never diagnosed. Let THAT person raise children! YIKES! I did run away AND I married very young. It did NOT help with my issues. I finally went to counseling in my 30's, and I sincerely wish I'd gone much earlier.

You definitely need to deal with these issues now rather than wait until you're in your 30's. It's difficult to fully develop a sense of yourself without some help with your situation. While you aren't doing anything wrong, you're also not doing anything right as far as healing yourself emotionally. This WILL affect your future relationships, both with a man and with any children you have. Combine this with the issues from rapid weight loss and you really do need a therapist.

Good luck! Please let us know that you've found some help. If you have to, lie to your mother about why you want/need therapy, but please get the therapy!

[prettysleeved1 173]

Try staying out of the house more. Since you can't move, get a job, go to college, or enroll in an activity that will require a bunch of time away from her.

You could always just tell her that she's emotionally abusive. It may not go over well but I feel that if she takes the liberty to verbally point out your faults, then you take the liberty to point out hers. Sometimes, when people know how you feel about them, that's enough to shut them up.

If now isn't a good time for the truth, I don't see when it will be. What if you don't end up married until you're 30. You want to put up with that for 11 more years? I think not.

[Tisa 52]

Well my mother was also emotionally abusive to me she had all kinds of anxiety problems, bi polar disorder on top of it, and refused to take her meds so living with her was pure hell for most of my life. I kind of learned to deal with it like, tip toeing around her that kind of thing.She also did that thing where shed talk about how horrible i was to my aunts/uncles on the phone really loud so I could hear. I think the most important thing I learned is to put my feeling before hers. If you feel shes abusive, and you've talked to her, and she still won't change her ways you need to do whats right for you and your life. Don't worry about your dad he'll get over it, your mom may realize having you in her life is a privilege not a right and change her ways, but if not oh well. Don't worry about her, when the time comes you can forgive her but for now i'd work o getting out of that house asap like get a job and start saving up, or really anything.Being in that environment isn't healthy because after a while you may stat to believe the things your mother says

[Izuri 428]

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this! It's is very unfair =(

First, I wanna say congratulations - it sounds like you are doing AWESOME and you should be so proud of yourself. I hope that you are feeling a difference and how incredible you're doing!

Second, I'm not sure exactly what advice to give you about your mother. I know that personally when people are mean to me I tend to try to avoid them as much as possible, but that's difficult when the person is your mother. Are there friends houses you can stay at part of the week? Have you tried standing up to her? Maybe having a heart to heart? Are you in counseling? Maybe having a counselor to talk to would at least help you learn some coping strategies to deal with it and try to help you understand that you deserve better (And you do!!). Have you thought about talking to your father about how you feel when she says these things to you? It sounds like the two of you are very close, maybe he can help create a barrier between you two or at least help her be civil.

I don't know your culture, and I realize that it's strongly frowned upon to leave a household before marriage, but if you get to the point where you are starting to feel horrible about yourself. When you can't take it anymore. Please do not stay there and just let her dump all of this on you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be around people who treat you how you deserve to be treated. Maybe you can move in with another family member, would that be allowed in your culture? Talk to your dad, your relatives, let them know how bad it has gotten, maybe they can help. I strongly feel like you should not stay there if it's continuing no matter what.

I wish you all the best and I do sincerely hope that things get better. You deserve better.

[ElaineB 207]

Mznineteen I hate to hear that you are hurting. Unfortunately I don't think there is an easy way to deal with being hurt by the person who is supposed to love you the most. That said, you can get through this. At your age I had a rough go of it too. You are on the right path though. You are taking care of yourself and have made some hard decisions to improve your life. You are getting healthy and that's awesome. Therapy is a life saver if you have access to it. If that's not possible then you need to keep doing things that you can be proud of and focus on feeling good about yourself. You cannot change your mother or her behavior. You can change how you respond to it and how you feel about it. Spend some time listing all of the things that are wonderful about you. List things you are proud of. Then watch how you talk to yourself. Every day you need to show yourself some love by affirming your positive traits and worth. Then find things that bring you joy. It's worked for me. That's not to say nothing will ever hurt you but your perspective can shift. If my dad says something hurtful ( in the rare situation I see him) I tell myself that he is screwed up, not me. Well not as much;). Then I remind myself that I am a strong, loving, and intelligent woman. I refuse to let anyone make me feel less than. I agree with the poster about being lived by our maker. You are unique among all women, created with love to be the person you are. No one can take that away. If you have a spiritual side that can be a huge source of love, comfort and peace. And you have our love and support.

[ElaineB 207]

Loved, not lived.