...and it will always be this way. It was more than I let myself realize this week, and I literally ignored my eating until last night. Had you asked me how my week had gone I would tell you average and doing just fine. In truth, when I made myself accountable I had my first Cereal, my first crackers, first dessert-like food, and I dont even like to eat them anymore. Even when it was the good stuff it was constant. It wasn't head hunger, I call it heart-hunger.

For those of you who don't know - many of you do and have been so supportive - I had my surgery on January 4th of this year. My Mom passed away unexpectedly a week later - three months ago today.

I will always Celebrate a sleeve-anniversary knowing a week later my Mom died...six days later I talked to her last, three days before that I began to make arrangements to be home in the Spring and suprise her with my weight loss...This is so unbelieveably hard. I feel really weak but I know I must have some strength left in me because I am here at work, and I want to exercize tonight and enjoy my evening with my Hubby and text my Sister and Dad...and I want to work on this some how being better, not even OK, just better.

My Husband told me I should not judge my strength by how weak I feel right now, that I am not a sprinter, I am not a marathon runner. I am a hunter-gatherer and I have been chasing a bison now for a long time, and I will eventually catch it, consume it and go on. The reference is vague but he meant it is not a game or sport, it is life and I will win.

I told him once while he was gone on an extended trip to Africa (while a crisis known as Hurricane Ike loomed - and I decided to stay with our home)...I told him "I will survive" on Facebook and he replied "No you will thrive". I keep that in my thoughts.

I hurt, and I wanted to reach out to a group that has been always supportive and caring and just wonderful and inspirational and say so...for me. I also wanted to post this to say to the other people out there that are having an exceptionally hard time that you are not alone, and you are stronger than you think.

There is no shame in reaching out, no lack of anything in you for realizing finally that something is harder than you realized. I realized today that this is not how weak I am, this is how strong I have been all along. I have took so much and I do not endure or survive. I do thrive.

You will too. God bess.

Pookeyism,

Wow, what a stressful and emotional several months you've had! And well done to you for coming through this time... your story so heart breaking but I feel underneath it love and respect that you have in your family and in yourself. May you long continue to be a strong and brave lady who faces things with grace.

There is no shame in reaching out, no lack of anything in you for realizing finally that something is harder than you realized. I realized today that this is not how weak I am, this is how strong I have been all along. I have took so much and I do not endure or survive. I do thrive.

.

Pookey

What a hard time this is for you, every year going through this ordeal, your sadness with a happy time for you also. One life ending, another just starting, what a contradition this is for you. Take solice in the knowledge that mom is very happy for your successess.

I truly believe your mom is looking down upon you, living for your happiness. Take solice in the fact that your happiness is most important to her. I am so sorry for your loss.

Be strong, but "there is no shame in reaching out"

All my best thoughts go your way

kathy

Wow! This has brought strong emotions come up while reading this! Yes you are thriving and will continue to thrive and will get stronger every day. You are woman!

I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom is very proud of you! Thank you for sharing.

Dorrie

You are so right there is never any shame in reaching out!

I am an emotional eater; I eat even when I don’t recognize the emotion behind it. But the sleeve has helped me see this clearer, so I can only imagine the battle that you are facing with your Mother’s passing. I wish you peace and strength during this journey! Because parts of the post op process is harder (trickier) than you could have comprehend pre op.

I'm sorry for your loss.... so so sorry.

Pookeyism,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself and celebrate your success. Heart and head hunger will always be with us. Recognizing them for what they are is half the battle. My wish for you on your three month surgiversary is that you will look in the mirror with love and see your success and beauty shining back at you.

At three months out, I was still tired. I did't get my strength back till about 4 or 5 months out. Recovery is a small period of time in our future lives, give yourself permission to go slow and heal.

Sending loving thoughts your way,

Lynda

Pookey, I think this is one of the most heartfelt posts I've ever read, anywhere. I know you're sad about your mother, but I think you're doing exactly what she would want. You are standing strong in the belief that your decision to have WLS was right for you and you are taking care of you! ((Hugs)) I know it's tough when you're used to being strong to admit that you meed a little support. I think that's bravery!

Good luck, and I know you're going to continue to win this battle. Your mother is in heaven watching you and smiling because she is so proud of you and the woman you are!

WOW... I'm in awe of your courage, strength and I pray that you are showered with peace and blessings...

I remember when you lost your mom. I was also sleeved in January, and I commented to my husband that I couldn't even imagine what you were going through. This is what I do know, though, after having lost a baby daughter and my brother (teen suicide, many years ago)... there are some hurts that no amount of food, friendship, talk, prayer, or any other thing will completely heal. These are the things we take deep inside ourselves, and really, the only way to cope is to acknowledge that around this subject there will always be sadness, and that's ok. Eating and other distractions are things we do to try to make the pain go away. Once we acknowledge that it never will, we can just take it out and quietly talk to it every now and then, but we don't have to let it live with it's hands around our throats. Does this make sense? I'm trying to say, I feel your pain, and it's ok for you to feel your pain. It's part of who you are now. The first year is the hardest, but it will get better. Your husband sounds very wise. You're on the right path.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. But she must have known about you what you are now discovering- how strong and amazing you are. Blessings to you.

I ache for you and your loss and Celebrate your strength and resolution. I know you know that your mother resides within you... she is never away from you... and I wonder if you might feel her closer when you hear the words of encouragement and support she would have said aloud were she here, and now must say silently through your heart.

Wishing you, dear one, the gentle coming of peace.

***BIG HUG*** your post made me want to call my mother today, not wait until our "appointed time" on Saturday. My mom is 83 and she won't live forever and God knows I will miss her so much. My mother-in-law passed over 25 years ago and my husband still misses her. On the otherhand I plan on living forever so my children won't have to miss me

Pookeyism,

Wow, what a stressful and emotional several months you've had! And well done to you for coming through this time... your story so heart breaking but I feel underneath it love and respect that you have in your family and in yourself. May you long continue to be a strong and brave lady who faces things with grace.

"with grace" - Thank you.

Pookey

What a hard time this is for you, every year going through this ordeal, your sadness with a happy time for you also. One life ending, another just starting, what a contradition this is for you. Take solice in the knowledge that mom is very happy for your successess.

I truly believe your mom is looking down upon you, living for your happiness. Take solice in the fact that your happiness is most important to her. I am so sorry for your loss.

Be strong, but "there is no shame in reaching out"

All my best thoughts go your way

kathy

Kathy,

Thank you. I think she knows, too.

Wow! This has brought strong emotions come up while reading this! Yes you are thriving and will continue to thrive and will get stronger every day. You are woman!

I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom is very proud of you! Thank you for sharing.

Dorrie

I am woman

I try to keep that in my thoughts. I lost my grandmother a year before this, so I feel it even moreso- I feel like I lost my other two corners of my trinity...

I am woman...

me, this girl is a WOMAN,

whether to laugh or cry...

I am a woman - its in me now.

Small statements and warm thoughts ...and I thank you very much.