I am doing a poll because I am trying to find a marriage that has not had some sort of cheating involved either from one spouse or another. I need your feedback guys. From the smallest indiscretion to the horrible, please tell me there is a relationship out there that had neither party cheating!! PLEASE!! Only sane people please reply.

I agree with nearly everything you said, except, the wife is the last to know. In preparing to conduct surveillance on a cheating husband, I generally interview the wife. Normally, the wife doesn't put all the clues together without the help of an investigator, however, when reviewing his recent history, the wife is able to recall he has begun to wear aftershave, began working out, works lots of overtime, buys new clothes, takes up a sport (bowling, softball, etc.) which gives him time away from home, closes the door when talking on the telephone, etc. Most of us have very distint patterns, or habits, and when an affair begins, those patterns change. Many times wives don't pay attention to small signs of behavior changes, but when it all comes out, most women admit there were signs early on that were dismissed.

Heliosphere Bag

Dr. verboonen, Tijuana

Inserted 06/30/06

06/30/06 - 230

07/26/06 - 216

you are right, you always hear women saying. " now that I look back, I guess I did know deep down."

I’ve been reading this thread for a while now but haven’t had time to respond in depth. I do want to say as a preface that my thoughts on this matter are from my personal experience and viewpoints only, so they won’t necessarily apply to everyone. I also don’t want to imply that my views are necessarily right for anyone else.

OK, sorry for the novel but here goes!

I know, 100%, without a doubt, that my dh hasn’t cheated on me. He is a man of integrity and would never lie to me, especially about something that important. When I discussed the things some people on this board had said with him last night, he said he thought if someone cheated on their spouse it would be the same as “taking a gun and shooting your beloved in the head”. Any man who calls his spouse his beloved, and says it in all seriousness, isn’t cheating. I have also seen him very deliberately turning his head away from a television show or ad with a woman with her boobs hanging out of her shirt, even more so with such a woman in person. He refuses to watch television shows where the plot centers around unfaithfulness. These are not easy things for him. He is careful to protect himself from outside interferences that might distract him from me and our marriage, and in doing so he protects our marriage. I am indeed a very blessed woman. I am not so stupid as to think cheating could never, ever happen to me (or by me, for that matter!); in contrast, I am smart enough, as is my dh, to recognize that it is all too easy and therefore important to guard against it.

From my personal experience, I don’t believe faith and religion are causally responsible for the lack of or presence of unfaithfulness. All human beings, regardless of their faith, are susceptible to temptation. Some Christians live in a bubble and think that because of their chosen faith, they are immune to infidelity. This is simply not the case and is actually in direct contrast to what the Bible says about temptation. I have known too many Christians who think that they’re immune and therefore don’t put up the barriers that you need to in personal life and relationships, and end up succumbing to temptations that they could have easily avoided had they been more careful or knowledgeable about the pitfalls.

I think the reason people tend to view marriages among people of faith to be more solid is because the marriage vows are professed not only to each other, but also to God. My dh performs wedding ceremonies pretty much every weekend (we have an officiating business) and he sees everything from the standard “till death do us part” vows to “until we no longer love each other.” As a group, people of faith tend to view as more serious the professions and vows that are taken to each other and to God. They feel that when the vows include God, they are more likely to be adhered to. It seems like vows that are taken “until we no longer love each other” reflect a lack of personal commitment.

Personally, I think holding any couples’ vows in higher esteem because they are sanctified by God disregards the fact that we are all fallible human beings. The statistics for divorce are the same in non-religious communities as they are in religious communities.

On another note, I personally DO believe that the use of porn in any form undermines a marriage. My question to any user of porn would be: what purpose does it serve? Does it endear you to your spouse? Does the body you’re viewing make you think of your spouse – or someone else? Does it make you think of your spouse when making love? Does it make you value your spouse’s body – or compare that body to the airbrushed body of an inanimate object? How does it serve a positive purpose in the marriage? I personally believe porn is a major cause of infidelity. It encourages sexual feelings which are not connected to, caused by, or in any way related to one’s spouse.

Being overweight, I’m sure we have all heard or read that we link food with activities in our minds. Behavior modification is important to weight loss. If you always snack while watching television, or if you always hit the refrigerator when you come home from work, you associate those activities with food. Sex is the same way. If you always imagine Brad Pitt when your husband is making love to you, or if you always sneak into the bathroom to look at Playboy before you make love to your wife, you are conditioning your brain to require Brad Pitt or Playboy to have a sexual response. It starts slowly and seems harmless, but for many people it can be so addicting that it takes on a life of its own. It can destroy the porn-viewing spouse’s ability to maintain pure feelings of love for the other spouse, and it can be incredibly destructive to the non-porn-viewing spouse’s self esteem.

There is such a thing as a sex addict. But sex addicts make choices about how to behave on a daily basis. Just like food addicts do. Barring neurological issues, there is not one person here who could claim that it wasn’t in large part our poor food choices that made us fat. We just didn’t put restrictions in place that would curtail the caloric intake. We are banded (or en route to being banded) to put an artificial restriction on our eating. Sex addicts can take steps to put an artificial restriction on the behaviors that lead them to cheat. It’s not easy, but it can be done.

My dh and I have counseled many couples, all professed Christians, having problems in their relationships. In many of the cases, there was cheating (or had been in the past) on one or both sides. Because some of these spouses had had a taste of sweeter fruit – and what fruit isn’t sweeter when it’s fresh? – they did not want to devote any more time or energy to the marriage. This “grass is always greener” syndrome is the cause of the demise of many marriages. Better to toss what you have away and start fresh, they think, then actually dig your heels in and work on what you have (bearing in mind that it is, of course, impossible to work on what you have unless both parties are interested in doing this work).

To those of you who have been cheated on, my heart goes out to you. It is devastating to find out that your spouse perceives you are not meeting his/her needs in one way or another.

To those of you who are in unhappy marriages, let me say that all is not lost. There are ways to rekindle the romance and rediscover the love you once had. Love is not a feeling – it is a decision. You, in conjunction with your spouse, can decide to make your marriage better in a number of different ways. I strongly suggest you seek counseling together or even alone to determine what you can do to make changes. That being said, choose your counsel wisely. I have seen many a marriage screwed up because of bad counsel. Marriage can be wonderful and fulfilling and is well worth the fight. I say this with even more emphasis when there are children involved. All studies show that children in “unhappy” marriages are better off than children of divorced parents (barring, of course, abuse and the like).

To all women, please don’t let the claims of “all men cheat” or “all men would cheat given the opportunity” discourage you. It is simply not true. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is YOUR marriage. If your spouse is cheating, it’s 100% for you. And if he isn’t, it’s 0% for you. Know that this is an issue you must tackle in this day and age; it is something you should discuss with your spouse, and it is something you should take measures to protect against.

Let me reiterate I did not write the above to judge or condemn anyone who lives differently than I. I believe that everyone has the right to do what they want with their own lives and while I hold very dear the sanctity of marriage, I know that the choices people make are their own. I am very, very blessed to have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage, both emotionally and physically. But I also have a very clear understanding that for many this is not the case.

OK, I’m stepping off my soapbox now.

:clap2: Deep love, respect for each other, and the desire to have a peaceful union and family has driven us to always mediate our problems. We respect the sanctity of our marriage and vows. If there is a problem, we work it out because we love each other too much to turn to someone else to solve our problems. Bottom line, our relationship is so important to us, that we would not let anything or anybody interfere with that special bond.

I totally agree! My thoughts exactly. My husband and I have both been hurt by cheaters in past relationships. We know first hand how devastating it is to be in innocent, clueless one buying all the lies. I never want to put someone through that because I know how painful it is.

Wanted to add that I DO think there are still many many men who are devoted and commited and would never cheat on their wives. The men in my life, granddad, dad, brother, husband...all examples of this. I realize that is a miniscule sample, but I think you can lose perspective if you are surrounded my 'bad examples' of a good man.

Despite me 'good examples' I still fell for a bad boy early on and was so heartbroken by his cheating behavior. It was only after my Dad and brother had heart-to-heart talks with me did I realize, 'hey, not every guy is a cheating jerk! I can do better.'

i have been married for 29 years in nov .my husband swears hes never cheated but i have my doults.i have never cheated.Im not a cheater.If i didnt want to be with him i would just walk away.But women are always all over him so i just suspect hes cheated but i cant prove it so i stay.patty

I’ve been reading this thread for a while now but haven’t had time to respond in depth. I do want to say as a preface that my thoughts on this matter are from my personal experience and viewpoints only, so they won’t necessarily apply to everyone. I also don’t want to imply that my views are necessarily right for anyone else.

OK, sorry for the novel but here goes!

I know, 100%, without a doubt, that my dh hasn’t cheated on me. He is a man of integrity and would never lie to me, especially about something that important. When I discussed the things some people on this board had said with him last night, he said he thought if someone cheated on their spouse it would be the same as “taking a gun and shooting your beloved in the head”. Any man who calls his spouse his beloved, and says it in all seriousness, isn’t cheating. I have also seen him very deliberately turning his head away from a television show or ad with a woman with her boobs hanging out of her shirt, even more so with such a woman in person. He refuses to watch television shows where the plot centers around unfaithfulness. These are not easy things for him. He is careful to protect himself from outside interferences that might distract him from me and our marriage, and in doing so he protects our marriage. I am indeed a very blessed woman. I am not so stupid as to think cheating could never, ever happen to me (or by me, for that matter!); in contrast, I am smart enough, as is my dh, to recognize that it is all too easy and therefore important to guard against it.

From my personal experience, I don’t believe faith and religion are causally responsible for the lack of or presence of unfaithfulness. All human beings, regardless of their faith, are susceptible to temptation. Some Christians live in a bubble and think that because of their chosen faith, they are immune to infidelity. This is simply not the case and is actually in direct contrast to what the Bible says about temptation. I have known too many Christians who think that they’re immune and therefore don’t put up the barriers that you need to in personal life and relationships, and end up succumbing to temptations that they could have easily avoided had they been more careful or knowledgeable about the pitfalls.

I think the reason people tend to view marriages among people of faith to be more solid is because the marriage vows are professed not only to each other, but also to God. My dh performs wedding ceremonies pretty much every weekend (we have an officiating business) and he sees everything from the standard “till death do us part” vows to “until we no longer love each other.” As a group, people of faith tend to view as more serious the professions and vows that are taken to each other and to God. They feel that when the vows include God, they are more likely to be adhered to. It seems like vows that are taken “until we no longer love each other” reflect a lack of personal commitment.

Personally, I think holding any couples’ vows in higher esteem because they are sanctified by God disregards the fact that we are all fallible human beings. The statistics for divorce are the same in non-religious communities as they are in religious communities.

On another note, I personally DO believe that the use of porn in any form undermines a marriage. My question to any user of porn would be: what purpose does it serve? Does it endear you to your spouse? Does the body you’re viewing make you think of your spouse – or someone else? Does it make you think of your spouse when making love? Does it make you value your spouse’s body – or compare that body to the airbrushed body of an inanimate object? How does it serve a positive purpose in the marriage? I personally believe porn is a major cause of infidelity. It encourages sexual feelings which are not connected to, caused by, or in any way related to one’s spouse.

Being overweight, I’m sure we have all heard or read that we link food with activities in our minds. Behavior modification is important to weight loss. If you always snack while watching television, or if you always hit the refrigerator when you come home from work, you associate those activities with food. Sex is the same way. If you always imagine Brad Pitt when your husband is making love to you, or if you always sneak into the bathroom to look at Playboy before you make love to your wife, you are conditioning your brain to require Brad Pitt or Playboy to have a sexual response. It starts slowly and seems harmless, but for many people it can be so addicting that it takes on a life of its own. It can destroy the porn-viewing spouse’s ability to maintain pure feelings of love for the other spouse, and it can be incredibly destructive to the non-porn-viewing spouse’s self esteem.

There is such a thing as a sex addict. But sex addicts make choices about how to behave on a daily basis. Just like food addicts do. Barring neurological issues, there is not one person here who could claim that it wasn’t in large part our poor food choices that made us fat. We just didn’t put restrictions in place that would curtail the caloric intake. We are banded (or en route to being banded) to put an artificial restriction on our eating. Sex addicts can take steps to put an artificial restriction on the behaviors that lead them to cheat. It’s not easy, but it can be done.

My dh and I have counseled many couples, all professed Christians, having problems in their relationships. In many of the cases, there was cheating (or had been in the past) on one or both sides. Because some of these spouses had had a taste of sweeter fruit – and what fruit isn’t sweeter when it’s fresh? – they did not want to devote any more time or energy to the marriage. This “grass is always greener” syndrome is the cause of the demise of many marriages. Better to toss what you have away and start fresh, they think, then actually dig your heels in and work on what you have (bearing in mind that it is, of course, impossible to work on what you have unless both parties are interested in doing this work).

To those of you who have been cheated on, my heart goes out to you. It is devastating to find out that your spouse perceives you are not meeting his/her needs in one way or another.

To those of you who are in unhappy marriages, let me say that all is not lost. There are ways to rekindle the romance and rediscover the love you once had. Love is not a feeling – it is a decision. You, in conjunction with your spouse, can decide to make your marriage better in a number of different ways. I strongly suggest you seek counseling together or even alone to determine what you can do to make changes. That being said, choose your counsel wisely. I have seen many a marriage screwed up because of bad counsel. Marriage can be wonderful and fulfilling and is well worth the fight. I say this with even more emphasis when there are children involved. All studies show that children in “unhappy” marriages are better off than children of divorced parents (barring, of course, abuse and the like).

To all women, please don’t let the claims of “all men cheat” or “all men would cheat given the opportunity” discourage you. It is simply not true. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is YOUR marriage. If your spouse is cheating, it’s 100% for you. And if he isn’t, it’s 0% for you. Know that this is an issue you must tackle in this day and age; it is something you should discuss with your spouse, and it is something you should take measures to protect against.

Let me reiterate I did not write the above to judge or condemn anyone who lives differently than I. I believe that everyone has the right to do what they want with their own lives and while I hold very dear the sanctity of marriage, I know that the choices people make are their own. I am very, very blessed to have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage, both emotionally and physically. But I also have a very clear understanding that for many this is not the case.

OK, I’m stepping off my soapbox now.

Jeez - you wanna pass the collection plate after that sermon?

i have been married for 29 years in nov .my husband swears hes never cheated but i have my doults.i have never cheated.Im not a cheater.If i didnt want to be with him i would just walk away.But women are always all over him so i just suspect hes cheated but i cant prove it so i stay.patty

Are they real doubts or would you rather just no t know the truth so you can keep the life and lifestyle that you have. I am asking for personal understanding, If you don't want to answer I completely understand??

Gadgetlady,

You know, you should stop beating around the bush and tell us how you really feel.:heh:

Come on, don't mince words... what do you really think?:biggrin1:

Just kiddin ya!

Well, instead of putting things in several different posts like everyone else, I just saved it all up for one!

Jeez - you wanna pass the collection plate after that sermon?

I have a paypal account if you want to make a donation (grin)

Ya;ll are so funny! !!!

I have a paypal account if you want to make a donation (grin)

Now, there's an idea!! Thanks for taking the time to share thoughts that may have an impact on someone. You have shared some very good points as many have on here. We are all from a diverse background and live in different worlds. This says it all.....

What matters is YOUR marriage.

I know I had a great marraige, but I also know my hubby never missed a swinging boob on TV or in person If he did I most likely pointed it out to him. We wartched the Playboy Channel together and WOW what that didn't do for our marriage. Well, now he's gone and I don't do those things anymore, but I have to say we put a lot of spice in that marriage of ours when we were alive. I learned some awesome new things The human body can most definitely be twisted into a pretzel...painful but true :Banane48:

Gee guys I thought I had the perfect marriage. The other day I even came across some massage oils I finally threw away...Ahhhhhh what wonderful memories.

I think I did everything I could to keep the marriage sexy and he had no reason to cheat.....but I don't put my life behind any statement. I enjoyed what I had while I had it and I believe he did to. He's now waiting for me on the other side and I'm going to be so beautiful and thin when I get there he will be chasing me around once again just like the old days, because I know God has a sense of humor.

:clap2: Good One Dody!!

Ladies.

Men usually cheat because the opportunity arises and also because they are not getting what they want from home! Men , like women like to know they still have what it takes to attract the opposite sex. Men do not want another relationship if they are married. They just want some fun!!!

Don't lump all men in to the same categories. Women cheat too when the opportunity arises.