I am doing a poll because I am trying to find a marriage that has not had some sort of cheating involved either from one spouse or another. I need your feedback guys. From the smallest indiscretion to the horrible, please tell me there is a relationship out there that had neither party cheating!! PLEASE!! Only sane people please reply.

I've been married for almost 11 years to a wonderful man. He is an excellent husband and father, and honestly, we get a long most excellently. We joke, we flirt, we play, and very rarely fight. That being said... While I trust my husband 100% and I believe him when he says that he has never cheated, I do not KNOW that he has never cheated. No matter how wonderful, moral and excellent a person is, sometimes they give into temptation. Anyone can fall, anyone can succumb. What I do know is this: it is my job as a loving wife to help my husband resist temptation. If I'm to help him, then I can't be oblivious to it. So, I cover his tracks. I check up on internet activity. I check the history in the computer. Occasionally, I check the cell phone bill for unknown numbers dialed repeatedly. I even google his name from time to time. I moniter credit card transactions and cash flow in our accounts. I can always reach my husband at work if he is working late, and he always calls me on his lunch hour. There are many other things I could do, and would if given cause. Every spouse should know that cheaters like PO boxes, usually have hidden credit cards, have hidden email addresses, and even separate bank accounts with passwords they won't share. All of these things can be discovered if given cause. It is our job as spouses to be on top of the game, to be aware before the break-up of a family occurs. My husband knows that I do these kinds of things. He doesn't know what I do, but he knows that I check up on him. And I don't do it to "catch" him, I do it because, if he is ever in a situation where a relationship may turn to more than friendship, I want to know so I can help him out of it.

He and I have a friend whose husband is most definitely cheating on her, but she is totally oblivious. My husband told her, based on his actions, that he is, but she won't believe it. Even though her husband sleeps at another woman's house when he is mad at his wife. My husband told this friend that even if he wanted to cheat, he couldn't because he KNEW I would find out.

I don't ever want to be the last to know. I don't want to be duped, and I don't want to find out when it's too late to save the marriage. Frankly, I think my husband would be wise to check up on me as well, there's nothing wrong with a little accountability.

Non of my business I know,... but since it was posted for all to see.....that is one scary post!!!

Funny Duddies,

I truly respect your opinions but I think your are wrong. I do not think faith will have to do with it. Men will cheat no matter of thier religious beliefs. You can always look at the current news and see ministers and priest cheating, lying and stealing. So let's not go that route. I am always open on this board and honest. Any man that would get out of a 35 year marriage and marry two weeks later to another is a fool and p@@@y whipped!!!

Ok, WOW! TMI here folks!!!!

**Closes LBT and goes back to do something productive like exercise**

i have to agree with seminole on this. i USED to believe that ministers and religious people and people of faith were out of the cheaters club. but, i have too much personal experience to hold that point of view any longer. i work for a pastor and he is also over several pastors. i was very shocked when he began making passes at me and wanted to advance things to the next level, and didn't really take no for an answer. any man can and will cheat if he is not committed to his vows.

Funny Duddies,

I truly respect your opinions but I think your are wrong. I do not think faith will have to do with it. Men will cheat no matter of thier religious beliefs. You can always look at the current news and see ministers and priest cheating, lying and stealing. So let's not go that route. I am always open on this board and honest. Any man that would get out of a 35 year marriage and marry two weeks later to another is a fool and p@@@y whipped!!!

So you think that because a few ministers have been in the news about this stuff that the group as a whole must be like that? Believe it or not, there are a lot of men and women in this world that still repsect the marriage bed, and the relationship they have with their spouse. I know for a fact that many of my friends, and family, as well as ourselves, respect our marriages and our spouces more than anything on this earth, and the main reason is because of out spirituality. Now I am not saying there are exceptions to the rule, cause their are, but the MAJORITY of this group (the religious) will hold their vows sacred because of where their were made and what they mean. Not to mention that they truly love their spouses.

and you are right, he was stupid. LOL

Funny,

I have to say that out of all of the men I know about 80 percent cheat on thier wives. So ladies do not be fooled. Most men will cheat if the opportunity knocks!!!

leila,

what is an open alternative marriage? i have never heard that term before.

It means different things to different people. I'll give a fair bit of detail, since I've been asked many questions in the past, I'll answer some of the questions I'm most commonly asked in my description.

In our case, we've been together since 1992, married in 95. When we met we were open with one another about our sexuality, we're both bisexual, and we knew monogamy was not for us.

That being said neither of us is very promiscuous either. I'm the type of person that falls in love easily, loves being in love, and enjoys intimacy. For a lot of people an open marriage is the swinging lifestyle, and that's great for them, I respect peoples lifestyle choices whatever they are, but in our case swinging doesn't work, as neither of us is interested sexually in people we don't have love and deep intimacy with. I can't get into casual sex, I need to deeply care about someone for it to be enjoyable for me. My husband feels the same, I guess it's lucky we met one another, as our lifestyle needs are compatible. Having an open marriage for us is less about sex, and more about relationships.

Over the last 14 years while we've been together, we've dated a couple of couples, together, where both members of the couple were bisexual. We've dated a single bisexual male. We've dated a bisexual female. Those are relationships we had together. Seperately, I've dated a gay female, and a straight male, and he's had two relationships with straight women. So I guess during the last 14 years with my husband we've each had relationships with 6 other people, 4 we shared in common, 2 each seperately. The shortest lasted a couple of months, The longest a few years.

In all these relationships whether we were both intimate with the people involved or only one of us. We've all been very close friends, shared love, and been like extended family. Most of these people are still close friends to this day. I think I'm closest to my husbands last x-girlfriend who was straight, even though I did not have a sexual relationship with her, we were best of friends, more like sisters than anything. Travelling for the last 3 months, I chat with her online almost every day. Hubby is still friends with her two, but since they're intimate relationship ended I think I'm probably closer with her that he is.

I'm not a jealous person at all, never have been. I know my husband will never cheat or lie to me, because he has no reason to. Everything is out in the open, I know the day he is first attracted to someone, because he'll tell me, and wants to know if I find him/her interesting too.

Neither of us feels that we 'need' to have other relationships or lovers, or that we're lacking something in our relationship that makes us want something outside of it. We could both be happy with just one another for the rest of our lives. It's a preference, a choice. If anything, sometimes we feel we have too much love in our relationship for just the two of us, why not make it a bigger circle of love. I know it's a hard concept to wrap your head around, not conventional at all, but it works for us. Just like a parent can have platonic love for more than one child. An adult can have non-platonic love for more than one adult. Just because you love more than one child in your family does not mean you love any of them less. Sharing love between adults works the same for us, I don't love my husband less because I also love someone else. Actually, I find just like in big families, in multiple relationships, it just amplifies the love already there. Though yes, it can be complicated at times!

Also a lot of people think maybe it has something to do with being bisexual, that you need to have both genders as partners. It's not that way either. I don't care what kind of plumbing a person comes with, I fall in love with the person, not their physical parts. It could have ended up I've only ever fallen in love with just men, or just women, happens I fall in love and am attracted to both.

Also I've always respected other peoples lifestyle choices, even when they haven't. I once developed feelings for a man that was married, he didn't tell me he was married until after we grew close, emotionally, there had been no intimacy or physical contact, just flirting and friendship. He told me he was in an unsatisfactory marriage and wanted to see someone, and thought I would understand because I was married. I refused him flat, I believe in the sanctity of whatever arrangment people have with their spouses. He was in a monogamous relationship wanting to cheat, I am not in a monogamous relationship. I wasn't willing to do that to his wife, or to him for that matter. I believe in honesty, and respecting your commitments, whatever they may be.

Happy to answer questions.. LOL!

XO

Leila

leila,

what is an open alternative marriage? i have never heard that term before.

I dont think Lizziegrace is totally out there with the checking. Although I would really hope my man would never cheat, he is a man and isnt able to think with an erection. Sorry if offended any of the men out there! I am not paranoid with my man, but I do check up occasionally. I refuse to be a person blindsided by cheating. Both of my parents cheated on each other. My man and I got together before his marriage was officially over (even though it was sooo over way before meeting me) so I do not think it would never happen to me. Nieve (sp?) is never going to be a word uttered under someones breath about me. We were both in dead end, awful, abusive (for me) relationships and were friends for the longest time. It blossemd into more and he is the love of my life.

The good thing now is that the former wife and I are on great terms, and with the kids at our house 1/2 the time (joint custody) its a team in raising two boys. But, I would never be suprised if any man ( I say any, not pointing fingers at my man!) said they cheated. Even thinking you know where they are all the time, they get very creative. Unfortunatly the internet makes people a little too tempted sometimes.

I had a freidn who saw her hubby's provile on match.com!!! Can you imagine?? I told my man, if I ever caught his ass cheating I would burn all his shit in the parking lot! there would be no working it out, just get what stuff you dont want torched and get out!

Umm...not trying to sound psycho!

Perhaps one's perspective on this has more to do with who one associates with than anything else.

FunnyDuddies, you have made clear and well-developed statements.

Funny,

I have to say that out of all of the men I know about 80 percent cheat on thier wives. So ladies do not be fooled. Most men will cheat if the opportunity knocks!!!

Of all my friends I have or have had in the past. I only know of one who cheated. I know the average is a little higher than that, but 80%? Damn that is a lot. My philosophy is that if it gets to the point I feel the need to cheat on my wife, I would get out of the marraige first. And it has never gotten to that point. I am in my second marraige, but infidelity was not part of the equation.

I know I come from a very sheltered life, or maybe I'm just naive.

My folks were married some 50 years without affairs, My grandparents on BOTH sides were married over 50 years - again with no affairs. In my opinion it's a matter of trust. Why would you marry someone that you don't trust 200%?

I guess it's like abuse, it's kind of a self-fullfilling prophecy. If you expect your spouse to cheat, you're probably going to do something that makes him/her go outside of marriage for whatever your marriage is missing. Good grief, if I stalked, I mean check his movements and activities, my husband would ask what was wrong with ME, that I had lost trust. What was I feeling guilty about that I would transfer that guilt to HIM?

Please don't flame me, ALL men DON't cheat. In my opinion its a matter of honor. If they have it they won't cheat no matter what. Some men will cheat no matter WHO they marry. Those are the ones short on honor.

all of the men I know about 80 percent cheat on thier wives.

Hmm... well of all the men I know, 80% might brag to other men that they're cheating, when in all actuality they go home and watch Jeopardy. If a woman can't know that her husband is faithful, then friend of husband can't know the stories are true, right? :biggrin1:

I cheated on Pottery Barn lastnight, and went to Restoration Hardware. I'm a weak, weak person.

My huband spent all night with "the other woman", which is what I call his computer. Hey, he's a nerd, but I know where he is! :heh:

Funny,

I have to say that out of all of the men I know about 80 percent cheat on thier wives. So ladies do not be fooled. Most men will cheat if the opportunity knocks!!!

I think then that this is a result of the people you are associating with. Not a true slice of what society is like. What I am saying is that on this board, there are a lot of very devout religious folk. In that type of makeup you are going to find more people who respect their vows and marriage to not cheat than who feel that they can cheat, or are married to people who can cheat. That is why the numbers are the way they are. It is not from people diluting themselves. It is just a matter of who makes up the board. If you run in a crowd that has 80% infidelity, then poll results like these would not be expected there. But this is not the crew you hang with. Its not the crew I hang with either. But right here, on this board, I feel these reulst are true based on the dynamics and population of the board. That was my original argument, and I still believe it to be true.

God gave man a brain and a penis....but only enough oxygen to operate one at a time.

I

Good grief, if I stalked, I mean check his movements and activities, my husband would ask what was wrong with ME, that I had lost trust. What was I feeling guilty about that I would transfer that guilt to HIM?

You hit on a feeling that was in the back of my mind. That being how it would feel to be the spouse being so checked up on. I think I would resent it and it would erode the relationship. As for living a life were I am constantly checking up on my spouse, that doesn't sound much better.