My husband of 17 years is just really driving me CRAZY!!!! I've made a lengthy post about some health stuff I have going on right now (reflux, esophagitis, gastritis, esophageal spasms, and esophageal dysmotility which they think is caused by a hernia...waiting for appt for scope) and he's using it as an excuse to just stop working out, stop eating right, stop everything. None of what I have going on is from my surgery. I don't have any leaks, strictures, blockages, nothing. BUT, this started after I did an insanely intense workout, so everyone is thinking that's the cause. ANYWAY, he has a pattern of quitting stuff when he starts, as soon as it gets hard. College, 3 different side businesses, working out, keto, vegan, low/no fat, calorie counting, bariatric surgery (had 1 consult, set up the nutritionist appt and backed out. Did this 3x before they said he couldn't come back), etc etc etc. He's always been like this, but it's gotten worse over the last year or so. He literally follows through on NOTHING. Not one single thing. OH, unless it's involving wrestling or gaming. Oh THEN his follow-through is on point. Can't let his guild down!! Can't let his buddies down!! Can't miss wrestling (he literally watches Mon - Fri, and if there's pay per view on the weekend, he watches that, too).

I work full time and pay all the bills. The deal we have is I will work and he is to take care of the house, grocery shopping, etc (I have a much higher earning potential than he does, and I love what i do, and he doesn't like to work, and I hate household stuff, so in theory the deal works) but he's been slacking on that, too. I'm cleaning up behind him, doing chores, grocery shopping. He's sleeping or gaming or whatever. We've argued about it and I told him if I have to take care of the house AND work, then he needs to go get a job too. If I have to work full time, do the cooking and cleaning and shopping then what the heck is he even here for? He's not supportive anymore, we don't do anything together, we argue a lot, and he has NO FOLLOW THROUGH ON ANYTHING. He gets all excited "I'm gonna start a youtube channel" or "I'm gonna start streaming on Twitch" or "I'm going to design websites for a living" or "I'm gonna go to school and get my degree in Early Childhood Education and work as a teacher online" etc. And he ends up doing NOTHING. "I'm gonna work out and get healthy so we can lose weight and have better health together" and "I'm gonna eat right and make sure we have healthy food in the house so neither of us are tempted to cheat" and then he goes to Burger King and buys 2 double whoppers with fries and eats it all. I'm just so sick of it all. I hate even being around him sometimes. He's just so LAZY and has zero motivation for anything at all. It's infuriating!!!

Edited August 25, 20223 yr by SleeveDiva2022

Is there anyway that you could word it that he would consider counseling? I am such a huge advocate. I have been married twice and went to counseling both times. The first time I was married at 18 and we were just not compatible. The therapist helped us to realize that and helped me to move on. The second though, the therapist taught us to communicate and I can’t begin to put into words how much better my marriage is now. We wouldn’t have made it without the help. I joke with him and say that I have always loved him but now I actually LIKE him too.

2 hours ago, SleeveDiva2022 said:

Oh wow, I wasn't expecting things to devolve into an argument. No need for insults or name calling, no need for arguing, let's just all get along.

I'm sorry for my part in taking this discussion into the wrong direction. I hope everyone involved get's the help they need and can get through this rough period.

Good luck,

Tek

On 8/25/2022 at 6:26 PM, mheyer1641 said:

Girl, I feel your pain. I just made an appointment with a counselor because I'm about to lose my mind. My husband is an alcoholic. Every night is him bitching about everything wrong in the world. I try really hard to keep a positive attitude. I know things in the world are shitty but I don't focus on what I can't control. My work life is stressful as we are getting ready to go through a merger and realistically don't know if we will have jobs or if we do, what they will be. I just hit my 20 years with this company so I am feeling a little sad. Then I have to go home and listen to him until he goes to bed. I'm frustrated to say the least. Rant over.

I was in a relationship (married 4 yrs) with an alcoholic & addict for 14 years. I wouldn't wish that lifestyle on anyone. Last January dropped 150 lbs (officially divorced my ex-husband), Best decision I ever made. Have you ever gone to any Al-Anon group meetings? I found them really helpful.

On 8/28/2022 at 12:06 PM, The Greater Fool said:

Perhaps you should reread.

I clearly stated that had you not been so clear that you were being helpful, it would have been easy to misinterpret what you wrote. I even THANKED you for being so clear.

Sometimes you can't win with some folks.

Good luck,

Tek

I think that is probably the issue. You weren't being very clear.

On 8/26/2022 at 7:26 PM, The Greater Fool said:

Perhaps y'all can help me understand.

The complaints (they are complaints, right?) seem to indicate you are unhappy with the way things are. Yet, the complaints seem to have been going on this way for years. If all the complaining is serious and you are really this unhappy for this many years, what is the point of the continued complaining? After all, your spouses are ignoring your complaining. Yet, here you are.

Are you actually unhappy or is this complaining all in good fun? If all the complaining is all in good fun, but you are actually satisfied with the way things are, what is the perk? Why? Is this just a game you play?

Help me understand.

Of course, I don't intend offense. I'm not judging by any stretch.

Good luck,

Tek

"The complaints (they are complaints, right?)" - I'm not sure if you intended to be funny here or what your actual intent was. Instead of maybe showing a little compassion it just came across dickish right off the bat. My personal take of course. Even if her complaints had been going on for years maybe there are underlying reasons why and she just hadn't gone in depth. I personally went 14 years in a miserable relationship for my child and also because financially I didn't think I'd be able to make it on my own. Everyone has their own reasons. You literally never know the battles someone is going through.

On 8/28/2022 at 11:54 AM, SpartanMaker said:

This thread makes me sad. I'm heartbroken for the women in these relationships, but I'm also sad for their men that have lost their way. One of life's great pleasures is to have a partner that supports you, come what may.

In addition, I'm sad that some folks here didn't understand the original point of the post and felt the need to express their thoughts in a negative way.

To any men reading this: Many women occasionally need to simply express their feelings. That is not an invitation for you to try to "fix" things. When a women truly wants others opinions, they will make it clear enough. I know it's in our nature as guys to want to fix things, including people, but not every situation is a cry for your help. When you try to fix things when it's not been asked for, it can often be interpreted as judgemental and condescending. You are in effect stating that you are smarter or better in some way and if they'd only listen to you, all the world's problems would be eliminated.

I hope we can move past this and get back to supporting one another on our journeys.

SpartanMaker, can I just say I really appreciate your thoughts?

Sometimes we need just to vent and a listening ear. My daughter reminds me often when she is venting to me... " Mom I'm not looking for a voice of reason right now, I need a hype man".

Edited August 29, 20223 yr by SHORTY_

DTMFA

MY MAMA SAID...(God rest her soul, she's been gone almost 20 years) Anyway, Mama said that men do not want you to change. Subconsciously, they don't want you prettier, they want you less attractive to others. Over the years, I have...noticed...that she tended to be right, whether it was weight, a haircut, even clothing. Just saying, food for thought.

23 minutes ago, oldandtired said:

MY MAMA SAID...(God rest her soul, she's been gone almost 20 years) Anyway, Mama said that men do not want you to change. Subconsciously, they don't want you prettier, they want you less attractive to others. Over the years, I have...noticed...that she tended to be right, whether it was weight, a haircut, even clothing. Just saying, food for thought.

I agree with this mostly, but these days, cuckolds are becoming a huge thing, so I'd say the dynamics are changing, to some degree. Cuckolds enjoy their wives dating other men, so they really like showing her off so that she can hook a bull.

Well of course he’s happy with how things are now, he isn’t doing any work and has no responsibilities and somebody else is taking care of everything for him. If somebody is not providing emotional financial or household support, it’s really kind of a struggle to figure out what exactly it is that they are doing.

Sorry, I would love to say something reassuring and inspirational here, but I am of the opinion that grown able-bodied adults all need to pull their own weight in life, be that childcare, household, earning money, etc. It really seems like he’s taking advantage of you.

@SleeveDiva2022 with weight loss improving your health and you gaining self esteem with each pound shed, he knows that he won't have a shot at maintaining his lazy life when you finally say enough is enough. And when you start getting attention from other men, ones that might bring more to the table than he does, he knows it's a matter of time before you take a stand for yourself.

Best wishes!

Edited August 30, 20223 yr by I♡BypassedMyPhatAss♡

My non clinical diagnosis from 10,000 miles away: Your man could have ADHD, anxiety and depression and is shutting down because he cannot receive your messaging. It triggers his rejection sensitivity dysphoria and he is shrinking back from intense anger at you because inside he is has real trouble regulating his emotions and it is easier and less confrontational just to retreat. The other activities with his friends do not come with judgment, expectations or a way for him to disappoint.

If he has any of these things, it is a lifelong battle that comes with intense regret that requires professional help and every bit as much support as you would like for your WL journey

On 8/25/2022 at 3:47 PM, SleeveDiva2022 said:

I agree with you about counseling, but it's hard to do it when only 1 of you sees a problem. He's super happy with the way things are and thinks I'm just being a b*&ch when I complain about it or even try to talk about it.

Of course he wants it to stay that way, he has it good. If the rolls were reversed, I bet he would feel differently.

On 8/25/2022 at 7:26 PM, mheyer1641 said:

Girl, I feel your pain. I just made an appointment with a counselor because I'm about to lose my mind. My husband is an alcoholic. Every night is him bitching about everything wrong in the world. I try really hard to keep a positive attitude. I know things in the world are shitty but I don't focus on what I can't control. My work life is stressful as we are getting ready to go through a merger and realistically don't know if we will have jobs or if we do, what they will be. I just hit my 20 years with this company so I am feeling a little sad. Then I have to go home and listen to him until he goes to bed. I'm frustrated to say the least. Rant over.

This hits home for me so much. My husband is also an alcoholic, with severe OCD. He works, he does all he should, but once 5:30 hits, he has to (in his mind) be sitting with his first drink of the night. He does the same thing, listing all the things I do wrong, and how I make him miserable. And ever since the day I set my surgery date, he has made a point to accuse me of cheating or that I will cheat because I will think I am better than him. He is not over weight, so I am not sure why he thinks that.

Sometimes I want to throw my hands up. Instead I just rearrange my life to accommodate his insecurities, and taking away from my own success. It sucks...

On 8/30/2022 at 10:52 PM, SoFlaXpress said:

My non clinical diagnosis from 10,000 miles away: Your man could have ADHD, anxiety and depression and is shutting down because he cannot receive your messaging. It triggers his rejection sensitivity dysphoria and he is shrinking back from intense anger at you because inside he is has real trouble regulating his emotions and it is easier and less confrontational just to retreat. The other activities with his friends do not come with judgment, expectations or a way for him to disappoint.

If he has any of these things, it is a lifelong battle that comes with intense regret that requires professional help and every bit as much support as you would like for your WL journey

I agree; that said, he could just be a d**k. LOL sorry LOL