My husband of 17 years is just really driving me CRAZY!!!! I've made a lengthy post about some health stuff I have going on right now (reflux, esophagitis, gastritis, esophageal spasms, and esophageal dysmotility which they think is caused by a hernia...waiting for appt for scope) and he's using it as an excuse to just stop working out, stop eating right, stop everything. None of what I have going on is from my surgery. I don't have any leaks, strictures, blockages, nothing. BUT, this started after I did an insanely intense workout, so everyone is thinking that's the cause. ANYWAY, he has a pattern of quitting stuff when he starts, as soon as it gets hard. College, 3 different side businesses, working out, keto, vegan, low/no fat, calorie counting, bariatric surgery (had 1 consult, set up the nutritionist appt and backed out. Did this 3x before they said he couldn't come back), etc etc etc. He's always been like this, but it's gotten worse over the last year or so. He literally follows through on NOTHING. Not one single thing. OH, unless it's involving wrestling or gaming. Oh THEN his follow-through is on point. Can't let his guild down!! Can't let his buddies down!! Can't miss wrestling (he literally watches Mon - Fri, and if there's pay per view on the weekend, he watches that, too).

I work full time and pay all the bills. The deal we have is I will work and he is to take care of the house, grocery shopping, etc (I have a much higher earning potential than he does, and I love what i do, and he doesn't like to work, and I hate household stuff, so in theory the deal works) but he's been slacking on that, too. I'm cleaning up behind him, doing chores, grocery shopping. He's sleeping or gaming or whatever. We've argued about it and I told him if I have to take care of the house AND work, then he needs to go get a job too. If I have to work full time, do the cooking and cleaning and shopping then what the heck is he even here for? He's not supportive anymore, we don't do anything together, we argue a lot, and he has NO FOLLOW THROUGH ON ANYTHING. He gets all excited "I'm gonna start a youtube channel" or "I'm gonna start streaming on Twitch" or "I'm going to design websites for a living" or "I'm gonna go to school and get my degree in Early Childhood Education and work as a teacher online" etc. And he ends up doing NOTHING. "I'm gonna work out and get healthy so we can lose weight and have better health together" and "I'm gonna eat right and make sure we have healthy food in the house so neither of us are tempted to cheat" and then he goes to Burger King and buys 2 double whoppers with fries and eats it all. I'm just so sick of it all. I hate even being around him sometimes. He's just so LAZY and has zero motivation for anything at all. It's infuriating!!!

Edited August 25, 20224 yr by SleeveDiva2022

I'm trying to understand the situation...

I recall some time back you said that your husband didn't want you to lose weight because he likes bigger women. So is it possible that he is becoming slack on housework (purposefully) and this is his way of attempting to sabotage your success or at least throw road blocks in your path to success? He is becoming lazier since you had surgery and are losing weight. I may be wrong, but that's what I feel like might be going on.

I have a cousin that had weight loss surgery when her marriage was on the rocks, her ex was former military and had major ptsd and other issues, and to make a long story short, the stress and emotional/mental abuse that he inflicted upon her negatively effected her weight loss. Now she's almost 3 years out and never made it to goal weight.

Perhaps y'all can help me understand.
The complaints (they are complaints, right?) seem to indicate you are unhappy with the way things are. Yet, the complaints seem to have been going on this way for years. If all the complaining is serious and you are really this unhappy for this many years, what is the point of the continued complaining? After all, your spouses are ignoring your complaining. Yet, here you are.
Are you actually unhappy or is this complaining all in good fun? If all the complaining is all in good fun, but you are actually satisfied with the way things are, what is the perk? Why? Is this just a game you play?
Help me understand.
Of course, I don't intend offense. I'm not judging by any stretch.
Good luck,
Tek

So here's my take on this, and I am definitely not presuming to speak for anyone who has posted in this thread. For me complaining is a pressure release valve of sorts. It gives me a chance to release my frustration to the world so that I can get back to baseline. I know what the behaviors are, I understand that they are not changing unless he is interested in changing them, and I am fully aware of the choices I am making IRT my relationship. I have my reasons, as does everyone. Mostly I just complain out loud alone when I need to, but sometimes it is a commiseration if one of my friends is also in the same headspace.
That's my take.

NOTEASIER - well explained .It's just great to have somewhere to off load when it all gets a bit much .I'm not looking for answers , my situation , like most others , is complicated ,by family , religious beliefs ,many things .

6 hours ago, noteasierstronger said:

So here's my take on this, and I am definitely not presuming to speak for anyone who has posted in this thread. For me complaining is a pressure release valve of sorts. It gives me a chance to release my frustration to the world so that I can get back to baseline. I know what the behaviors are, I understand that they are not changing unless he is interested in changing them, and I am fully aware of the choices I am making IRT my relationship. I have my reasons, as does everyone. Mostly I just complain out loud alone when I need to, but sometimes it is a commiseration if one of my friends is also in the same headspace.
That's my take.

Makes sense.

As I understand stereotypes, guys tend to be "fix-it" sorts and women tend to be "express-it" sorts. Of course, stereotypes don't always pan out, but for me it's pretty much spot on, if not a bit weak. I tend to hear complaint's as pleas for help. Add to that my personal issues of being a programmer, for which virtually every statement of fact is a requirement for a fix. And my severe OCD which all this amped up to completely irrationally and annoying to anyone in my vicinity.

Even as I express my understanding that not every complaint is a plea for a solution I feel compelled to jump on every last thing as a demand for a fix.

Imagine the joy of being me, and the special joy of being married to me.

For those that have expressed relationship complications, feel free to private message me as I have an individual action plan for every comment made in passing that has ever been posted here. I can even help with your grammar and punctuation.

I hope everyone can solve every last problem that doesn't require a fix.

Good luck,

Tek

Edited August 28, 20224 yr by The Greater Fool

On 8/26/2022 at 6:26 PM, The Greater Fool said:

Perhaps y'all can help me understand.

The complaints (they are complaints, right?) seem to indicate you are unhappy with the way things are. Yet, the complaints seem to have been going on this way for years. If all the complaining is serious and you are really this unhappy for this many years, what is the point of the continued complaining? After all, your spouses are ignoring your complaining. Yet, here you are.

Are you actually unhappy or is this complaining all in good fun? If all the complaining is all in good fun, but you are actually satisfied with the way things are, what is the perk? Why? Is this just a game you play?

Help me understand.

Of course, I don't intend offense. I'm not judging by any stretch.

Good luck,

Tek

No, this isn't all in fun. And no, this hasn't been going on for years. It's been since I had the surgery.

On 8/26/2022 at 6:45 PM, I♡BypassedMyPhatAss♡ said:

I'm trying to understand the situation...

I recall some time back you said that your husband didn't want you to lose weight because he likes bigger women. So is it possible that he is becoming slack on housework (purposefully) and this is his way of attempting to sabotage your success or at least throw road blocks in your path to success? He is becoming lazier since you had surgery and are losing weight. I may be wrong, but that's what I feel like might be going on.

I have a cousin that had weight loss surgery when her marriage was on the rocks, her ex was former military and had major ptsd and other issues, and to make a long story short, the stress and emotional/mental abuse that he inflicted upon her negatively effected her weight loss. Now she's almost 3 years out and never made it to goal weight.

My past post was a concern that he would change after I had the surgery. This post is essentially because I was right. I think, like you mentioned, this might be in "retaliation" to me getting the surgery.

On 8/26/2022 at 6:26 PM, The Greater Fool said:

Perhaps y'all can help me understand.

The complaints (they are complaints, right?) seem to indicate you are unhappy with the way things are. Yet, the complaints seem to have been going on this way for years. If all the complaining is serious and you are really this unhappy for this many years, what is the point of the continued complaining? After all, your spouses are ignoring your complaining. Yet, here you are.

Are you actually unhappy or is this complaining all in good fun? If all the complaining is all in good fun, but you are actually satisfied with the way things are, what is the perk? Why? Is this just a game you play?

Help me understand.

Of course, I don't intend offense. I'm not judging by any stretch.

Good luck,

Tek

Also, for a while he's been getting lazier and whatnot, and he's pretty much always been a quitter. But since the surgery is when it's gotten REALLY bad and completely out of hand.

Has he been assessed for depression or other mental health issue? If its not a mental health issue, he has no motivation to change whatsover if what is happening in his life is working for him. He has no need for paid employment, he doesn't need to do anything at home because you'll do it eventually.

On 8/26/2022 at 8:26 PM, The Greater Fool said:

Of course, I don't intend offense. I'm not judging by any stretch.

Good luck,

Tek

life tip, Tek: if i you you ever have to put the words “i don’t intend offense” it means you do intend offense and don’t care how nasty and judgemental you are to another human being.

and of course, I don’t intend offense by that

1 hour ago, KimA-GA said:

life tip, Tek: if i you you ever have to put the words “i don’t intend offense” it means you do intend offense and don’t care how nasty and judgemental you are to another human being.

and of course, I don’t intend offense by that

Written communication doesn't have the benefit of additional key elements of communication such as tone, inflection and body language that typically inform the intent of the speaker. Thus, it is reasonable that when speaking of possibly sensitive issues in written communication it is wise to state clearly what is and is not the intent.

Unlike some people, I like try to work on the principle of charity which is to assume you actually ARE trying to be helpful while your words actually make you seem like a back-biting shrew. Thank you for clarifying your position so clearly.

Good luck,

Tek

Edited August 28, 20224 yr by The Greater Fool

51 minutes ago, The Greater Fool said:

Written communication doesn't have the benefit of additional key elements of communication such as tone, inflection and body language that typically inform the intent of the speaker. Thus, it is reasonable that when speaking of possibly sensitive issues in written communication it is wise to state clearly what is and is not the intent.

Unlike some people, I like try to work on the principle of charity which is to assume you actually ARE trying to be helpful while your words actually make you seem like a back-biting shrew. Thank you for clarifying your position so clearly.

Good luck,

Tek

wow, name calling. thank you for showing who you are. it is showing how helpful you are!

11 hours ago, SleeveDiva2022 said:

My past post was a concern that he would change after I had the surgery. This post is essentially because I was right. I think, like you mentioned, this might be in "retaliation" to me getting the surgery.

people have a hard time with change and some need time and patience to adapt, but the trick is not allowing destructive behaviors to take root or at least make sure they are discussed.

i really fear some of your situation for me. think i already am experiencing some of it. it is hard to both be sympathetic to someone who needs time to adjust and protect myself from harmful behaviors.

its a personal balancing act that i hope you find the right path for so you can enjoy this exciting new chapter of your life to the fullest. (and me too;) )

This thread makes me sad. I'm heartbroken for the women in these relationships, but I'm also sad for their men that have lost their way. One of life's great pleasures is to have a partner that supports you, come what may.

In addition, I'm sad that some folks here didn't understand the original point of the post and felt the need to express their thoughts in a negative way.

To any men reading this: Many women occasionally need to simply express their feelings. That is not an invitation for you to try to "fix" things. When a women truly wants others opinions, they will make it clear enough. I know it's in our nature as guys to want to fix things, including people, but not every situation is a cry for your help. When you try to fix things when it's not been asked for, it can often be interpreted as judgemental and condescending. You are in effect stating that you are smarter or better in some way and if they'd only listen to you, all the world's problems would be eliminated.

I hope we can move past this and get back to supporting one another on our journeys.

54 minutes ago, KimA-GA said:

wow, name calling. thank you for showing who you are. it is showing how helpful you are!

Perhaps you should reread.

I clearly stated that had you not been so clear that you were being helpful, it would have been easy to misinterpret what you wrote. I even THANKED you for being so clear.

Sometimes you can't win with some folks.

Good luck,

Tek

Oh wow, I wasn't expecting things to devolve into an argument. No need for insults or name calling, no need for arguing, let's just all get along.