Pre-op one of my big angsts was talking to family about my surgery. I know that, for most of them, they would not be on board. I have a loving and highly opinionated family of people that view themselves as wellness and health experts and I swear if there was a family motto it would be "you know what you should do". All of this contributed to me feeling like telling them about my WLS would open a can of worms. Not telling didn't seem like an option until I realized that, because of Covid social distancing and other distractions in my family right now I could probably pull off a secret surgery. Which is exactly what I did. Only my husband and one person at work know I had WLS. And right now I am so happy about this. It has been a delight to not have to respond to a million questions about how I'm doing or field all the worry and misinformation I feel sure my well-meaning family would bring my way. I feel like I gave myself the gift of healing in peace.

Right now I don't have plans to tell anyone else about my WLS unless they ask directly. I'll see how things go when it comes to handling food related get-togethers in the near future. I'm toying with just giving an explanation that includes the partial truth, that I am working with a nutritionist in a medically supervised dietary program. I am not ashamed of having WLS, I just don't want every person I know to feel free to be all up in my business regarding my weight, dietary habits, personal health, and medical decisions. Getting my mom and sisters to not take every opportunity to talk to/interrogate me about my weight and try to create dieting regimes for me was a hard won battle many years ago. Does anyone else relate to otherwise loving and well-meaning family members having no boundaries when it comes to wanting to "fix" your fatness? I feel like letting them in on my WLS would be a step back and they would revert to their old ways. I don't need or want that in my life. I just want my family to be my family and prefer not to give them any opening to try and act as my nutritionist or Dr. again.

6 hours ago, Orinskye said:

My surgery is next week. I have told my family (who are all supportive) and my best friend (also supportive) but no one else.
the only one who isn’t really supportive is my husband. He told me over the weekend that as of next week I will officially be “cheating” to lose weight. I was livid. he has seen me at my worst where I couldn’t even WALK because the weight on my knees was too much (My BMI is about 38, but my joints are super bad). He refused to back down and insisted it was cheating. He is super insecure and is against the surgery. I’m against being held back anymore . ??‍♀️

I like the response to the question 'is weight loss surgery cheating?' on this website

https://www.bariatric-surgery-source.com/weight-loss-surgery-cheating.html

A couple of other articles that may help frame further conversations around 'cheating or the easy way out', I do like the concept of the 'healthy way out'

https://www.smartshape.ca/wls-not-the-easy-way-out/

https://bariatrictimes.com/healthy-way-out-march-2018/

I'll admit, there was a time I thought wls was the easy way out, thanks to the lies that are told by so many about it. After my own research and finding out everything I could I realized that was so untrue, and now that I've been through it myself I definitely know better! It makes me so mad. It's the most effective treatment we have for obesity at this point. And I feel like as much as fat people are shamed to lose weight they shouldn't have to justify HOW they lose it. It's a medical condition. No one would tell a diabetic not to take their meds. This is just another medical treatment. This is a big reason I have told everyone about it.. I hope that by being open I can clear up some misconceptions. I'm pretty much an open book though and I understand why someone would want to keep it to themselves. I am so lucky that the people in my life have been very supportive, but if they said something rude they know my big mouth and that I'll let them have it. Lol
I'm gonna be 50 in August and I think I've finally arrived at the "I don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks" part of my life. Ha ha

So far I’ve only told my husband. Closer to surgery, I’ll let my kids know. Other than that, I’m not sure. I feel like between not seeing anyone due to COVID and probably having surgery at the very end of summer going into fall/winter coat season I could probably hide it and get away with the diet and exercise answer.

I actually seem to be on the opposite spectrum of everyone else... My sister had the surgery first (hers was bypass due to medical necessity of throat and stomach issues, mine is elective sleeve)

My sister and my mother were the ones who pushed ME into getting the surgery... I didn't want to at first, just because I knew how grueling it was for my sister and I felt too lazy/too scared to live a life where EVERYTHING would change... finally, I sorta gave in to their pushing and said "Fine, I'll do it" and it's been the best decision of my life so far.

I finally had my surgery in January of this year... was supposed to be July of 2020, but Covid ?.

I told EVERY person on my Facebook page back in January of 2020 that I was going through with it, and (knock on wood) every person has supported me through it.

I'm 2 months into the post surgery, and down 44 lbs from surgery, 70 from January of 2020. - I still have about 100 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight, but the fact that I'm at 265 already has me FLOORED! - And I actually do little "Updates on my Life" on my facebook about every month or so updating all of my family and friends about where I am in my post surgery life.

I hate seeing so many people who have had to feel like they've got to hide it due to the stigma that society has created for obese people but frankly - I don't give a damn who knows. - To me, it's definitely not cheating... could I have technically eaten the same thing I am now? - Sure.... would I have without being forced into it by tinier stomach? - No....

The push of being forced into doing something "Against my will" was EXACTLY what I needed to keep me on this path. Even if I went back in time, and told my old self "you 100% want this" I wouldn't believe me.

I only told my immediate family and didn’t want anyone else to know. Bf told his mom and she text me tonight “ FYI you know my friend just died from surgery “ like really I’m having surgery In 2 damn days! Exactly why I wanted no one to know.

Edited March 16, 20215 yr by JustJazzy

I told everyone in my family and at my job. Everyone at my job was very supportive and happy that I am embarking on a new journey. Family though is a different story. I got a lot of pushback from family saying is surgery really necessary and to just eat less. I ignored them, because once I put my mind to something, I always do it, no matter what anyone else thinks. That is how I ended up marrying my husband after a month of knowing him and 5 years later we are still together! So who cares what anyone else thinks. You are doing this for yourself and for your health, and to hey look HOT and feel good in clothes again. Those are the reasons why I decided to do it.

On 3/15/2021 at 5:08 PM, Neensyb said:

I guess everyone is different. I found myself telling a few lies about why I needed WLS, and now I have the courage to tell people to mind their own business if they are negative about it. It's my life, my body, my decision, and it's the best one I could have made.

So there! Naaaaaaaah! ?

Have you experienced any complications?

On 3/16/2021 at 12:32 AM, JustJazzy said:

I only told my immediate family and didn’t want anyone else to know. Bf told his mom and she text me tonight “ FYI you know my friend just died from surgery “ like really I’m having surgery In 2 damn days! Exactly why I wanted no one to know.

Hope you're feeling ok on the eve of your surgery. All the best tomorrow!

On 3/15/2021 at 11:13 PM, Shanibani said:

I actually seem to be on the opposite spectrum of everyone else... My sister had the surgery first (hers was bypass due to medical necessity of throat and stomach issues, mine is elective sleeve)

My sister and my mother were the ones who pushed ME into getting the surgery... I didn't want to at first, just because I knew how grueling it was for my sister and I felt too lazy/too scared to live a life where EVERYTHING would change... finally, I sorta gave in to their pushing and said "Fine, I'll do it" and it's been the best decision of my life so far.

I finally had my surgery in January of this year... was supposed to be July of 2020, but Covid ?.

I told EVERY person on my Facebook page back in January of 2020 that I was going through with it, and (knock on wood) every person has supported me through it.

I'm 2 months into the post surgery, and down 44 lbs from surgery, 70 from January of 2020. - I still have about 100 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight, but the fact that I'm at 265 already has me FLOORED! - And I actually do little "Updates on my Life" on my facebook about every month or so updating all of my family and friends about where I am in my post surgery life.

I hate seeing so many people who have had to feel like they've got to hide it due to the stigma that society has created for obese people but frankly - I don't give a damn who knows. - To me, it's definitely not cheating... could I have technically eaten the same thing I am now? - Sure.... would I have without being forced into it by tinier stomach? - No....

The push of being forced into doing something "Against my will" was EXACTLY what I needed to keep me on this path. Even if I went back in time, and told my old self "you 100% want this" I wouldn't believe me.

Congrats!

On 3/15/2021 at 9:32 PM, JustJazzy said:

Bf told his mom and she text me tonight “ FYI you know my friend just died from surgery “ like really I’m having surgery In 2 damn days! Exactly why I wanted no one to know.

Not cool, actually a super sh**ty thing to do to someone right before surgery.

I am telling select friends and coworkers. Anyone who I trust to accept the information as presented and not say something harmful.

My parents and my living grandmother are the only people I absolutely, unequivocally want to keep this from. Too much trauma from childhood regarding dieting and comments about my body when I was never clinically overweight until my late teenage years. I avoid discussing any subject with them that could even potentially veer in the direction of giving them an opening to talk to me about my body. I am desperately dreading having noticeable weight loss and them praising me for it. I don't want my family's, or anyone's, praise about something that doesn't change my worth as a person. I'm also hoping to get this done before things return to normal so that I can more easily fly under the radar.

I didn't tell my husband until after my initial appointments. I didn't want to give him more time than necessary to "talk me out of it". I didn't tell my daughter until a couple days before... only because she lives at home and I knew she would want to know why mom is in pain after spending a night away lol. My sons I didn't tell until several weeks later... and only then because one was coming home and would wonder why I wasn't going to work or eating normally... and of course I didn't want the other to be the last to find out. My parents/siblings and other extended family? Nope. Did not and will not tell them. At work, I talked to just a couple people before surgery. Then after I returned I slowly let others know since they were wondering why I was losing weight so fast. Now it is common knowledge at work. If i had to do it all over again? I would do it the same way! Husband thought I would die so he tried to talk me out of it... but also knew I was going to go through with it without his approval. Many months later he admitted I made a good choice for me when he saw me getting really healthy. Kids thought I was crazy but they are glad I am doing better and healthier. Don't need the judgmental comments from the extended family though... none of their business. And at work... I only had 1 negative reaction and it wasn't that bad. It was someone who is much more overweight who asked how I did it and I felt I should be honest... and her response "Well, I am not doing THAT!" LMAO. She and I never spoke about it again lol. The rest of my co-workers were either supportive, or just didn't talk about it with me. And several came to me for advice/guidance about their struggle or that of a loved one. Would I have preferred no one find out? Sure. But I lost weight so rapidly that it was just easier to fess up at work. At least my extended family didn't see me for a year after surgery lol.

@chiquitatummy like you, I had WLS and told very very few people (husband, my sisters - my mother the next day only because she’s a complete worrywart and that’s pretty much it). And yes I agree that COVID and social distancing has enabled me to pull this off “on the down low”. My surgery was in August. I’m still working from home and I haven’t seen any of my coworkers except via zoom. About a month after surgery I got on an exercise kick (for the first time in my life) and would occasionally post photos on my Instagram story of my workouts (not necessarily images of me but images of the machines I was using). Anyway I have posted a few random photos on Facebook and Instagram that do show that I have lost weight but honestly most people think it’s because I started working out! They’ve even commented things like wow your exercise is paying off! I think posting those photos of the gym equipment that I was using has got most people thinking that I did this all by working out and honestly that’s fine with me because in large part my weight loss is none of their damn business.

2 hours ago, momof3_angels said:

I didn't tell my husband until after my initial appointments. I didn't want to give him more time than necessary to "talk me out of it". I didn't tell my daughter until a couple days before... only because she lives at home and I knew she would want to know why mom is in pain after spending a night away lol. My sons I didn't tell until several weeks later... and only then because one was coming home and would wonder why I wasn't going to work or eating normally... and of course I didn't want the other to be the last to find out. My parents/siblings and other extended family? Nope. Did not and will not tell them. At work, I talked to just a couple people before surgery. Then after I returned I slowly let others know since they were wondering why I was losing weight so fast. Now it is common knowledge at work. If i had to do it all over again? I would do it the same way! Husband thought I would die so he tried to talk me out of it... but also knew I was going to go through with it without his approval. Many months later he admitted I made a good choice for me when he saw me getting really healthy. Kids thought I was crazy but they are glad I am doing better and healthier. Don't need the judgmental comments from the extended family though... none of their business. And at work... I only had 1 negative reaction and it wasn't that bad. It was someone who is much more overweight who asked how I did it and I felt I should be honest... and her response "Well, I am not doing THAT!" LMAO. She and I never spoke about it again lol. The rest of my co-workers were either supportive, or just didn't talk about it with me. And several came to me for advice/guidance about their struggle or that of a loved one. Would I have preferred no one find out? Sure. But I lost weight so rapidly that it was just easier to fess up at work. At least my extended family didn't see me for a year after surgery lol.

Thanks so much for sharing about your experience of sharing or not sharing with others. But, your post really heats me up inside. I mean we really shouldn't have to do all this work and thinking about others potential responses when it comes to having surgery. I mean people have all kinds of surgeries all the time. I just dont get why it is anyone's business when it comes to our choice to have WLS. Why is there so much stigma and shame about it? But, I get it when it comes to not disclosing and having to have lots of conversations with people. I'm also not telling tons of people because I really dont want anyone saying it's too much to do or that I dont need to do it. That will be the line. Because in my family, they wont say anything negative about me as a person, just concerns about me having surgery in general. I read the replies here and it's just sad what people experienced from others when they chose to do something that they hope will help them better help themselves on their weight loss journey. To me, wanting to help yourself get healthy is such a positive aspiration. And then once you do it, it's such hard work and dedication involved. I commend everyone and wish you all the best. A good therapist to help during this process is priceless because I certainly think that could be helpful to get through all of this.

All the best everyone!

Well I have been on both sides of this fence. In 2009 when I had the lapband placed at 232lbs (5'2") I told my (now) x husband (we were married 26 years), my two sons, daughter in law and a couple of co workers that i thought i could trust. Well my x went and told a few friends after they made comments that "chris's looking good". He said and i quote.... Well she's only losing weight because she had SX.....then, of course, others started to ask and I would say from diet and exercise... Which was true. But when i found out what he said and turns out the co works were saying the same things..... I had a person say.... Well i heard you had WLS.... So after that i was open about it. I found some support and a lot of judgment. Grant you it was back with WLS wasn't as well accepted as it is now. Awful comments from my x, x-friends, x-co workers.... and people in general...... Too skinny, i looked sick, i was lazy for having WLS, i thought i was better than them cuz i was skinny now, how people died from WLS, that i would lose all my hair....i could go on and on. So in 2017 my band slipped and was removed. I went on FB and told everyone. Six months later I moved out of state to where no one knew me except my husband and four of his co workers. When i moved here i was 143lbs.... over the next 2.5 years i put on 30lbs. So i decided to do a revision.......It was not covered by insurance. I was going to crossfit 4 days a week and trying to lose for pending wedding in Sept, 2019. So i laid the groundwork....... Told my co workers i had a hernia (true, Hiatal) and it needed to be fixed (still truth). The weight loss started and they just thought it was from dieting for the wedding (still true). I went in on Wednesday and was back at work on Monday. Still, the only person that knows is my husband. Didn't tell sons, family, friends (not even best), or co workers....... THIS IS 100% BETTER. No comments, no snarky looks, no having to explain anything. Now i'm 120lbs and you know NOT ONE PERSON has said.... You look sick, you are too thin, you are lazy, .... etc. Not one person said i would die from hernia sx.....

I'm 100% team.... keep your mouth shut....... Even if you tell just one "friend".... it will get out, especially if its a girl. Us bi*ches like to gossip.