I've decided not to tell anyone other than my husband. I just don't want to deal with the judgment, or feel like I'm the subject of gossip. I'm hoping to be back at work 2 weeks after surgery (I have a sedentary job), so will hopefully be able to just use some vacation time. My husband is 100% on board with the surgery and with keeping it a secret, so I'm very thankful for that!!

Anyone else keeping it a secret? Or are you telling just a few people, or the whole world?

On 10/18/2019 at 10:56 AM, Sheribear68 said:

Funny how each of us approaches this differently.
It’s also a shame that we have to have this conversation.

Totally agree with all you said and the topic of others not really speaking to you after the weight loss is apparent is another discussion worth having.

A friend of mine just told me that they are not going thru with the surgery because their doctor basically talked them out of it; it would be interesting to know if others had that experience. Anyway, your quote really caught me "You must do what you think you cannot do".

A lot of people are fearful of the unknown and in general, we all have been misinformed about this whole weight loss thing at some time or another; the journey is real and those who navigate is always swimming upstream against the tide under an industry that tells you that you need to eat right but pushes everything against that narrative for profit and greed.

That's why it's best to take control of your own health and chart a course that's best for you. If there are folks in your orbit who can be supportive of your journey, by all means, do include them.

I wouldn't tell folks just because I assume that they would be supportive -- a lot of times you already know if they will be or not from your past relationships and interactions with them. Also being supportive doesn't necessarily mean that they agree with your decision and one has to decide if you want the support or you want people to agree with you.

It's a lot to weigh on your mind.

My partner knows, my closest friend, and I mentioned it to my mom. My mom was automatically worried, aka it doesn’t work for a lot of people long term, etc. I regretted telling her immediately and haven’t brought it up since then weeks ago. My partner and closest friend are very supportive of my decision for surgery. I’m very introverted and have a super small, unconnected group of friends, so keeping this quiet will be easy. I’ve been a SAHM for the past decade, now my youngest is in grade school as of this school year. One reason, amongst ever so many, was to do this surgery prior to rejoining the workforce. I don’t have to worry about co-workers, only family & friends asking. If it was someone I knew could use the help and weren’t out to start gossiping I’d be honest with them, but otherwise mum is the word, no one needs to know.

I have told anyone and everyone. I have found the more open I am, the more I am healing mentally and emotionally. I grew up in a household where you could never be less than perfect or show the World your "dirty laundry". My mother was the only one who was against surgery despite me needing to lose weight because of having osteoarthritis and needing a right total hip replacement. She told me I needed to have more willpower and eat less. Thank goodness for therapy and research.

Everyone else has been pretty great. Surgery was 9-5-2018 so Thanksgiving was when I had my first meal with my extended family. I quietly put a little bite of everything on my plate while my Mother sat next to me watching. My cousin is the one who announced loudly "Is that all you are going to eat?" despite knowing I had RNY and she works in hospital administration. Interestingly enough, my Mom responded that I could always have more but why waste overfilling my plate. My husband just smiled and said, "I get to eat her leftovers" which made everyone laugh.

My husband and I go out to eat pretty often and it has become normal for us to split a dinner or I take a lot home. You learn not to be embarrassed when asked if everything was okay because you leave so much food on your plate. I always reassure the waitstaff and say that I had stomach surgery so I can't eat much. If they ask more questions, I will answer them to the best of my ability.

Everyone at work has been supportive. Food gets brought in quite often and I pick and chose what is best for me and my plan. Sugar free doesn't always agree with my pouch and so sometimes I will have a few bites of something sweet. With me, I find that if I am told I can't have something, I will obsessively crave it. Often I will have a bite and it won't taste as good as I think it should so I won't eat it. I have learned that I don't have to clean my plate. People at work see the results of my choices and easily accept when I say no thank you and don't try to guilt me into eating. It probably also helps that I have also told everyone that I will be getting a left total hip replacement in January.

All in all, do what is best for you. I found that as I lost weight, I became more confident with myself and my choices and other people's opinions didn't matter. The only opinion that did matter was my husband's. He found complimentary things to say when I was "morbidly obese" and still finds them now that I am "overweight". I could find many things that I don't like about my body but I chose to look at all the wonderful positive things that it allows me to do along with all the non-scale victories. And as the saying goes "what other people think of me is none of my business" - I am too busy enjoying my new life.

Only my family and close friends. Only one person at my jobs knows but only because she had it too

I don't broadcast it but if people ask I don't usually lie about it. I just say I had a surgical procedure and also eating healthy, I do not generally go into much detail. people are generally smart and you drop 50+ pounds real fast they tend to figure it out all on their own especially if you eat in front of people or peers.

I am planning on being pretty open about my revision surgery. I know people are going to ask how I've lost so much weight and if I can inspire someone to look into it that may have been thinking about it, great, if they want to judge me, great.

I feel like one of my gastric band downfalls was not being open about it. I think had I been more open with everyone I wouldn't have felt the pressure to eat like a "normal" person around people who did not know I was banded. Granted, I don't think that would have eliminated all my band problems, but I can't help but wonder if I would have been somewhat more successful if I had broadcast it to the world.

That said, I'm dreading telling my husband's family. I think they are much more likely to be overly judgmental about it than most people in my life. These are people that think doing keto is the easy way out, so I'm sure they'll have plenty to say, but I'm okay with that. I'm really confident in why I am choosing to revise, so I'll do my best to not be offended by it.

I'm planning on significantly cutting back my meat consumption with my revision, so I can fall back on that for people I don't feel need to know about surgery.

I didnt tell anyone. Honestly it’s nobody’s business.

I'm really glad that I'm not the only one facing the tell/ don't tell challenge. My surgery is tomorrow, I'm nervous but looking forward to it.

1 hour ago, Nice1 said:

I'm really glad that I'm not the only one facing the tell/ don't tell challenge. My surgery is tomorrow, I'm nervous but looking forward to it.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I only told my ex who we broke up a week before surgery. No one else knows. My family think I went to boot camp and came back a changed person who’s on diet and wants to exercise to get healthy. One of my coworkers knows though because we went to the seminar together but we are not too close. She wouldn’t tell anyone though. We are best buddies when together but after we part it’s like we don’t know each other....if that makes sense. It’s nice to talk to her about stuff though since she’s trying to lose weight as well.

I only tell the people who matter or those who have guessed. Only person to judge me is my naturally tiny sister who is a B with an itch. It’s not the easy way out. It’s actually very difficult and takes dedication. Anyone who judges can kick rocks. My a1c was 5.6 (just pre diabetic) and now it’s 5. My cholesterol and triglycerides are perfect, BP perfect and so is just about every other test. My mom actually judged me too but I told her to shut up or I’m done with her. Sorry I want to be healthy ??‍♀️

I was talking to a friend yesterday who brought up other people's surgeries and feels as if they have to tell if they have any kind of surgical procedure. I don't agree with her logic, nor do I understand how that is anyone's business. She gets so livid about people not sharing or telling if medical surgeries were done, it is not her business. She's very judgmental and not informed about her viewpoints. I don't know when other people's surgeries became the personal business of friends, but it isn't and privacy is a form of respect unless invited in.

Edited November 5, 20196 yr by Krimsonbutterflies

I'm so with you ChubRub. I told my manager and my close group of friends, maybe 10 people total. My immediate family and my wife. Work wife as well. But no one else at work needs to know.

I am still glad that I told virtually no one. I want to be seen as a normal person who is working hard on lifestyle changes - not a someone with and asterick ("yes she's thin, BUT she had surgery.") The other thing is that some of the people I have been tempted to confide in are the same people who have come to me with other people's secrets - "I will tell you this, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else..." If they do that with with other people, I can be fairly sure they would do it with me. I once told a trusted co-worker about some struggles I was having at a job, and sworn to secrecy, she told another co-worker, who told another co-worker, who told the boss. As a result, the boss thought I was disloyal and made my life very difficult. I eventually resigned. The "telephone game" is just too tempting for most people.

I'm not sure I can avoid telling my immediate supervisor, though I'm a bit worried about that because he's also really good friends with his work wife and work mistress and the receptionist. All three of whom run their mouths continually about anyone and anything. This is my journey and I'd rather it be private.

I already hate the fact that I'm going to have to tell my sister-in-law something to ask if she'll come help with my disabled husband the first day or so I'm out of the hospital. She's the worst one of the family for keeping secrets but I love her to pieces. Maybe if I do enough ahead of time to take care of him, he'll be able to do the rest? Hmm. I'll have to think about that.