Dating

[GreenTealael 24,866]

1 hour ago, Frustr8 said:

And every woman deserves a man who can make her forget her heart was ever broken.

Sage advice!

[GreenTealael 24,866]

On 3/3/2019 at 6:06 PM, RoRoKitty said:

I had today one of the best dates ever! Handsome, funny, smart, we have same music taste, do same silly things, he loves cats, he is a great kisser ahem, and he had a wls four years ago!
I am sleeping on my pink cloud today! Goodnight y’all !

We need updates!!!

[GreenTealael 24,866]

On 3/3/2019 at 8:01 PM, sideeye said:

If it helps, I can tell you what made me pick him out of a lineup on Bumble: good photos (not mirror-selfies, with good lighting, photos that had been taken by another person or possibly by a tripod I guess), self-confident conversation when we texted, good sense of communication boundaries, seemed witty, we had similar interests. That’s what made me contact him. The number one thing I avoid in these profiles is any sense that I am going to have to spend the date cosplaying as the guy’s therapist. Stuff like “I just got out of a long term relationship”, “hoping someone will see my true value”, any vibe of self-pity or “prove you’re worth it”? I run like the damn wind. I have enough issues with the patriarchy without having to coax someone along during a first date.

He probably does have other dates lined up. Good luck to those ladies, because I had no qualms about throwing this particular fish back. But seriously - don’t focus on the other guys. They don’t matter to you, at all. They do not stand between you and women, and it’s not a good use of your time to focus on them.

I can’t speak for all women of course, but I do not open my dating app and think “I will contact five of the men on this app” and rate them against each other to select those five. I just select the guys who appeal to me. There’s no competition between the guys for me, never crossed my mind to think that way. I just contact the guys I like, based on the contents of their profile. Focus on presenting the most appealing (and truthful, obviously) version of you. And then be confident that you are likeable just the way you self-represented.

Make sense?

Any updates???

[GreenTealael 24,866]

UP(DATES) 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔

Week by week dates with Bumble Guy are getting better. I am thoroughly surprised. We just had a museum date.

Museum hoping is one of my favourite things in the world. Can't believe that we turned a corner so hard & fast and are no longer in an awkward place. Just wow. I'm definitely boo'd up 😂

How is everyone else doing?

[RoRoKitty 183]

I am still in a pink cloud, everything goes so well that I am waiting for a disaster to come :P I am not used to so much happiness hehehehe
He is nice, gentle , romantic and helps me a lot with cardio exercise 😂😂😂

[GreenTealael 24,866]

2 hours ago, RoRoKitty said:

I am still in a pink cloud, everything goes so well that I am waiting for a disaster to come I am not used to so much happiness hehehehe
He is nice, gentle , romantic and helps me a lot with cardio exercise 😂😂😂

I'm excited for you!!!! Congratulations 💖

[sideeye 1,440]

8 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Any updates???

I’ve stepped back from the dating machine for a bit - am about to go on vacation for a couple of weeks so feels weird to rev something up and then vanish.

Besides, vacation is with the not-so-one-night-stand from Vegas. I’m spending a day with him, then off to a hippie retreat for a week (!!!), then he’s meeting me for a couple days of hiking. I will not be short on cardio in the next month, basically.

And yay for BumbleBoo! That is awesome that he’s working out so well!

Edited March 11, 2019 by sideeye

[GreenTealael 24,866]

1 hour ago, sideeye said:

I’ve stepped back from the dating machine for a bit - am about to go on vacation for a couple of weeks so feels weird to rev something up and then vanish.

Besides, vacation is with the not-so-one-night-stand from Vegas. I’m spending a day with him, then off to a hippie retreat for a week (!!!), then he’s meeting me for a couple days of hiking. I will not be short on cardio in the next month, basically.

And yay for BumbleBoo! That is awesome that he’s working out so well!

Yay!!! And congrats on your Vacay Bae 😍

[sgc 538]

On 3/3/2019 at 8:01 PM, sideeye said:

If it helps, I can tell you what made me pick him out of a lineup on Bumble: good photos (not mirror-selfies, with good lighting, photos that had been taken by another person or possibly by a tripod I guess), self-confident conversation when we texted, good sense of communication boundaries, seemed witty, we had similar interests. That’s what made me contact him. The number one thing I avoid in these profiles is any sense that I am going to have to spend the date cosplaying as the guy’s therapist. Stuff like “I just got out of a long term relationship”, “hoping someone will see my true value”, any vibe of self-pity or “prove you’re worth it”? I run like the damn wind. I have enough issues with the patriarchy without having to coax someone along during a first date.

He probably does have other dates lined up. Good luck to those ladies, because I had no qualms about throwing this particular fish back. But seriously - don’t focus on the other guys. They don’t matter to you, at all. They do not stand between you and women, and it’s not a good use of your time to focus on them.

I can’t speak for all women of course, but I do not open my dating app and think “I will contact five of the men on this app” and rate them against each other to select those five. I just select the guys who appeal to me. There’s no competition between the guys for me, never crossed my mind to think that way. I just contact the guys I like, based on the contents of their profile. Focus on presenting the most appealing (and truthful, obviously) version of you. And then be confident that you are likeable just the way you self-represented.

Make sense?

Good photos is a code word for attractiveness. Women can get away with saying that. In ugly person is still ugly no matter how good the photo is. None of my photos are selfies. I guess technically they are since I used a tripod. It's easier for a woman to be more selective since they have options. If you sent out about 400 emails and received one date, I'm sure you would be less inclined to throw that fish back into the Water. I am competing for with other guys. One of the very few women who actually chose to respond to me said she chose another guy. You say you choose the guy and yet I'm not suppose to worry about other guys?

[GreenTealael 24,866]

9 minutes ago, sgc said:

Good photos is a code word for attractiveness. Women can get away with saying that. In ugly person is still ugly no matter how good the photo is. None of my photos are selfies. I guess technically they are since I used a tripod. It's easier for a woman to be more selective since they have options. If you sent out about 400 emails and received one date, I'm sure you would be less inclined to throw that fish back into the Water. I am competing for with other guys. One of the very few women who actually chose to respond to me said she chose another guy. You say you choose the guy and yet I'm not suppose to worry about other guys?

No doubt dating can tricky, tiring, nuanced and stressful sometimes. One of my favorite affirmations is to

Learn to rest instead of quit

especially when the road is long and arduous.

Edited March 14, 2019 by GreenTealael

[sgc 538]

Been on this road for a couple of years now with no success. Had plenty of rest. I'm damaged goods at this point.

[sideeye 1,440]

20 hours ago, sgc said:

Good photos is a code word for attractiveness.

In my case it’s code for “don’t take a photo in a smudgy mirror under fluorescent light while staring blankly at the phone screen”. Of course I only tag guys I find attractive, but... that should not be a surprise? A good written profile is part of the equation too. I mean, does anyone select people on dating apps they don’t think they’d want to kiss? Hell, I dismiss adorable guys who socially smoke because I’m not making out with an ashtray, no matter how nice their hair is.

So getting back to the root of the issue: Not sure what to tell you here, so I’m going to go with the slightly-tough-love angle. From my perspective, I just shared my experience on dating sites as a woman and you kind of moved through that list dismissing each point as though I’m the outlier, despite the fact that I am a genuine member of the pool where you’re fishing and your data are gained secondhand at best. You sound convinced that you’re in some sort of victim role in dating apps, being done wrong by women who “get away” with something (a massive red flag for women who have to deal with too much “red pill” crap in everyday life and don’t want it to be part of their dating life too) and men who are outcompeting you. By the way, I think you’re being way too cavalier about how women experience these apps. “It’s easier for women to be selective”... in what universe?! Do you mean out of the galaxy of d**k pics sent their way? Or the men who say hi, follow that up with a question about what you wear in bed, and then instantly call you a b***h when you cut off that line of conversation? And don’t for a second think that less-attractive women have it “easier” than unattractive men - let me know when men get completely unsolicited incoming chats that exist solely to inform them of how ugly/fat/old/whorish they are, in the sender’s opinion. And that’s the first message! Just free, unsolicited feedback the more out-of-conventional-attractiveness bounds you go.

I also don’t get this fixation on the other guys, because what exactly are you going to do about them other than stew? Can you knock them off the app? No. Can you emulate them? Sure, but if you don’t match that emulation in person it’ll fall apart fast. And you are not going to be dating any of the guys, so why waste energy obsessing over them? What’s the point?

If you sent out about 400 emails and received one date, I'm sure you would be less inclined to throw that fish back into the Water.

Here’s the thing - I can live without consuming fish. I am totally good without fish. So if I walk into a sushi restaurant and nothing looks appetizing, I am going to walk right back out. Now, admittedly, we may have different priorities: I do not long for human companionship when I get home from work each night, and my biological clock is not ticking like a bomb. My core life objectives do not include “get married” or “have kids”. I am deeply unwilling to settle for a so-so partner so I can achieve a wedding and a baby. The math may be different for people who have other priorities, can’t speak for them.

I can’t emphasize enough that internalizing a victim role is like swallowing a poison. It spreads through everything you do and say, and while you may not think it shows outwardly, it is very perceptible to others and no one wants to explore romantic possibilities with someone who’s mired in a victim mindset, especially when that person views women as the perpetrators of that victimhood. It’s not too much to say that it’s a survival instinct for women.

Your current situation isn’t women’s fault. It’s not the app’s fault. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just what it is. What’s more fundamental is changing your self-perception from “damaged goods” to something that doesn’t need outside validation to become whole. A huge part of attractiveness is finding another person who is already mostly complete, so when you team up you just augment each other. Few people want to get into a relationship where they’re aware going in that the other person is looking for them to make up their shortcomings, because that means the other person has identified their own shortcomings and basically gone “eh, I don’t want to work on this, I’m going to outsource the work and emotional burden of this onto someone else”. Run screaming from these people.

And that’s me off my soapbox. Well, except to say that the VacayBoo is a guy I met at a professional event, so get offline when you can. It probably helped that I was not remotely thinking about finding a boyfriend at the time (I was actually trying to con someone out of event swag), and we just had a normal conversation that turned into dinner (which, by the way, I thought was just a convenient “let’s meet up and eat” and then he showed up wearing a button-down and I’m in a hoodie like some sort of vagrant). So - as annoying as this advice sounds, just get out there and talk to people.

Edited March 15, 2019 by sideeye

[sgc 538]

2 hours ago, sideeye said:

In my case it’s code for “don’t take a photo in a smudgy mirror under fluorescent light while staring blankly at the phone screen”. Of course I only tag guys I find attractive, but... that should not be a surprise? A good written profile is part of the equation too. I mean, does anyone select people on dating apps they don’t think they’d want to kiss? Hell, I dismiss adorable guys who socially smoke because I’m not making out with an ashtray, no matter how nice their hair is.

So getting back to the root of the issue: Not sure what to tell you here, so I’m going to go with the slightly-tough-love angle. From my perspective, I just shared my experience on dating sites as a woman and you kind of moved through that list dismissing each point as though I’m the outlier, despite the fact that I am a genuine member of the pool where you’re fishing and your data are gained secondhand at best. You sound convinced that you’re in some sort of victim role in dating apps, being done wrong by women who “get away” with something (a massive red flag for women who have to deal with too much “red pill” crap in everyday life and don’t want it to be part of their dating life too) and men who are outcompeting you. By the way, I think you’re being way too cavalier about how women experience these apps. “It’s easier for women to be selective”... in what universe?! Do you mean out of the galaxy of d**k pics sent their way? Or the men who say hi, follow that up with a question about what you wear in bed, and then instantly call you a b***h when you cut off that line of conversation? And don’t for a second think that less-attractive women have it “easier” than unattractive men - let me know when men get completely unsolicited incoming chats that exist solely to inform them of how ugly/fat/old/whorish they are, in the sender’s opinion. And that’s the first message! Just free, unsolicited feedback the more out-of-conventional-attractiveness bounds you go.

I also don’t get this fixation on the other guys, because what exactly are you going to do about them other than stew? Can you knock them off the app? No. Can you emulate them? Sure, but if you don’t match that emulation in person it’ll fall apart fast. And you are not going to be dating any of the guys, so why waste energy obsessing over them? What’s the point?

Here’s the thing - I can live without consuming fish. I am totally good without fish. So if I walk into a sushi restaurant and nothing looks appetizing, I am going to walk right back out. Now, admittedly, we may have different priorities: I do not long for human companionship when I get home from work each night, and my biological clock is not ticking like a bomb. My core life objectives do not include “get married” or “have kids”. I am deeply unwilling to settle for a so-so partner so I can achieve a wedding and a baby. The math may be different for people who have other priorities, can’t speak for them.

I can’t emphasize enough that internalizing a victim role is like swallowing a poison. It spreads through everything you do and say, and while you may not think it shows outwardly, it is very perceptible to others and no one wants to explore romantic possibilities with someone who’s mired in a victim mindset, especially when that person views women as the perpetrators of that victimhood. It’s not too much to say that it’s a survival instinct for women.

Your current situation isn’t women’s fault. It’s not the app’s fault. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just what it is. What’s more fundamental is changing your self-perception from “damaged goods” to something that doesn’t need outside validation to become whole. A huge part of attractiveness is finding another person who is already mostly complete, so when you team up you just augment each other. Few people want to get into a relationship where they’re aware going in that the other person is looking for them to make up their shortcomings, because that means the other person has identified their own shortcomings and basically gone “eh, I don’t want to work on this, I’m going to outsource the work and emotional burden of this onto someone else”. Run screaming from these people.

And that’s me off my soapbox. Well, except to say that the VacayBoo is a guy I met at a professional event, so get offline when you can. It probably helped that I was not remotely thinking about finding a boyfriend at the time (I was actually trying to con someone out of event swag), and we just had a normal conversation that turned into dinner (which, by the way, I thought was just a convenient “let’s meet up and eat” and then he showed up wearing a button-down and I’m in a hoodie like some sort of vagrant). So - as annoying as this advice sounds, just get out there and talk to people.

Men get criticized and labeled as shallow of they judge women based on looks. Similarly, men get rejected constantly based on looks and are suppose to deal with it.

I never said I was some sort of victim done wrong by women. I've stated before that I am unattractive and undesirable. I was commenting to the fact that somehow a high quality picture of my ugliness is going to make a difference. I'm not really obsessing over other men. Just stating I don't compare favorably to other men. Women will get many more messages from men. Sure a lot will be bad but they will have more choices. I wish women sent me nude pictures. It would be better than nothing. One of the few messages I got was from a dominatrix calling me a b***h. I almost responded back. I've never once commented about a woman's looks. Never once sent a message saying she was a b***h for not responding. I may start messaging about looks. I have nothing else to lose.

Now this sushi restaurant. You are going to walk out and starve? Not going to a different restaurant? Make a meal at home? Rifle through the dumpster?

[GreenTealael 24,866]

An interesting article for people who tend to get in their own way

https://theascent.pub/8-types-of-negative-thoughts-limiting-your-potential-b52a301fe6b6?source=email-c7efe8a63ac4-1552645648063-digest.reader------0-59------------------386e29f6_325a_4184_9783_26d8c427d831-1&sectionName=top&gi=7087f2f6a850

Edited March 15, 2019 by GreenTealael

[sgc 538]

Yeah I've read those articles before. I started off two years ago thinking that way. As the rejections mounted, the less interested I became and the more I realized my undesirablity ran deeper than my weight.

Want to know the ironic thing here? I hadn't been around this forum for a while until I got an email saying I had a new private message. It was from a woman who saw a post of mine in the singles forum. I messaged her back and of course no response.