I need your help.

My surgery is scheduled for 4/17. I've told my husband, mother and two sisters about my surgery.

My parents divorced when I was young and my dad remarried when I was 17. At this time I was hovering around 170 pounds. His wife was and remains a real b***h. During that time, when I was in high school, she would make thinly veiled references to my weight, buying me stuffed animals of elephants, hippos, pigs.....you get the picture.

Fast forward 21 years and she and my dad have a daughter (my half sister -who doesn't know about the surgery) who is more overweight than I was at her age.

I do not want to tell my dad about this surgery because he can't keep his mouth shut and will tell his wife, who I can't stand.

Help me. What do I do? My family is local, so it's not like I can hide out.

I had considered telling him I will be having a hernia repair, but I don't even want him at the hospital. I adore my dad, but hate his wife.

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I'm sorry that she was so mean to you, and I'm sorry your dad didn't put a stop to it. I can understand you wanting to keep it from her/them. I hope she isn't as mean to your half sister as she was to you, but I suspect she is.

I guess the only thing I want to say to you is this surgery isn't about her. It isn't about him. It's about and for YOU.

I told all family members except my mother. She would have disagreed with my decision and I didn't want to argue with her or have to justify it to her.

No regrets...

Edited February 2, 20179 yr by Andrew0929

Just don't say anything. If your weight loss is brought up after the surgery, you will have had time to figure out what you want to say at that point. You don't need to feel guilty about keeping it from them, especially before hand.

How likely is it your family members that know will tell?

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Here's the thing....You are an adult. You have no responsibility to tell him. You can tell only the people you want to. Also, it is really NO ONE'S business!! I understand family is important but if you do this surgery you do this for YOU not anyone else and you need NO ONE else's approval. Even if they notice the rapid weight loss you don't need to tell them you had surgery. That is a personal decision you made. If someone asks how you are losing weight so fast (which they really shouldn't but everyone feels they have a right to comment on other's looks) you don't have to tell them. You can just say you have been working out and watching what you eat. You owe them nothing. You owe it to yourself to only give out that information to those you want to if you feel someone will break you down mentally if they knew. This si the time to focus on yourself and buckle down! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I'm not going to tell him the nature of my surgery. Ever. But I can't hide the fact that I will have had surgery.

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Ok, so tell him it was a surgery for female issues, or a hernia, or your gallbladder out, or even exploratory because the doctor thought you had a bowel obstuction.

Good luck!

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Obstruction

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Would he need to know anything at all? Once the weight starts falling off just tell him you are watching what you eat (truth) and being careful with carbs and sugar (truth).

Good luck!

I know him. He will want to be at the hospital while the surgery is happening. And I don't want the doc to come out and update everyone and let the nature of the surgery out.

Thank you for the suggestions.

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I'm a step-mom and I just can't fathom being so cruel to my step-daughter like that. I'm so sorry hon that you had/have to endure that. Like others had mentioned, this is for YOU, not anyone else, regardless of relation. Do what you feel you need to, but just remember, whether obese or not, your step mom has an issue with herself that she projects towards you. If you need to tell your dad, do so, just mentally prepare yourself. OR, have a good talk with your dad about how your stepmom has always treated you and you don't want her abuse anymore. He needs to love you even more and do something about it.

No need to tell him unless u have complications. Since I have to change your outlook on food ; even with surgery, it's all u & willpower to make it work ; not to regain weight down the road. It's a need to know surgery. It's up to u who needs to know. It's a personal procedure just like u wouldn't go run & tell your Dad u had a hysterectomy or whatever. Just when u start loosing weight & any & all ppl who compliment u, just say Thank you it's hard word, which it is for the rest of your life. There is no magic surgery or magic pills to eat a healthy lifestyle! My best wishes 2u!

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I told my husband and my 3 best friends... I did not tell anyone else until a week after my surgery, when I finally told my mom and my cousin... I haven't told anyone else and don't plan to at this point. It's my business, right?

Same goes for you... it's your choice who you share the information with... just make sure your doctors are all informed... that's one time it's a disservice to yourself to keep it to yourself :-)

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I told my husband and my 3 best friends... I did not tell anyone else until a week after my surgery, when I finally told my mom and my cousin... I haven't told anyone else and don't plan to at this point. It's my business, right?

Same goes for you... it's your choice who you share the information with... just make sure your doctors are all informed... that's one time it's a disservice to yourself to keep it to yourself :-)

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How did your mom react when you told her?

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My mom was like "oh, really? Well good for you... how are you feeling?" And then "you know that means you have to make a lot of changes so you don't make yourself sick, right?"

She just wanted to know I was doing okay and make sure I knew what I had gotten myself into. She hasn't mentioned it since and agreed to keep it to herself when I asked her to. :-)

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I can understand in the sense of someone not being able to keep a secret. I am hopefully revising to the sleeve from the band. I few years after I got the band I found out my mom told my grandparents, her sister in law, etc that I had surgery. I was so mad as I am a private person and didn't want anyone to know. I unfortunately have to tell my parents, as I need their help to and from the hospital and taking my dogs for the night. But I really don't want to, I do not want them to tell people again. Which is why I'm waiting until I get approved (hopefully), but I'm going to reiterate that this is my business and no one else's

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I told very few people - husband, a sister, and a sister-friend. My niece who lives with me figured it out during the diet, but she's awesome and helped run interference for her mom (a different sister) and Grandma when I was newly post-op. I only told my teenagers about the hernia surgery part (true) because I didn't want them to worry (ASD/anxiety disorder) and explained I'm a very private person and I'd prefer they didn't discuss it with people, including the Grandmas, uncles, friends, and other family.

And it hasn't been a problem. Of course it's also been a weird year. My dad died of pancreatic cancer last spring while I was doing the pre-op diet. I could have told him, but he just would have worried. Or argued. Or made a fuss about it with the extended family. I don't regret not telling him, even though I wish he could have seen me getting healthier. In any case, it's not surprising I'd start getting my health back on track.

I'm also a pretty slow loser - no "I only lost 20 lbs this month!" for me. My husband and sister-friend also jumped on the low carb/better health bandwagon so they make great camouflage. We pretty much just tell people we're eating low carb and getting more exercise.

Basically, do you want him to know and be there for you? If no, it's an easy choice. If yes, it's a little tougher, but I think if your stepmom knows you had surgery, she'll probably figure it out. But then, she'll probably be a snot no matter what happens. I'd probably just drive her crazy talking about new research into the role of gut flora and prebiotic fiber (and other health topics) until she left me alone . Might even help your sister.

I do feel for you. That niece I mentioned? There's a few different reasons she lives with me and a big one is her stepmom. My niece is a 5'2 pocket Venus and the woman was buying her size 8 shoes and size 10 clothes because she just *had* to be smaller than her teenage stepdaughter. The first time I took her to an adult petite store she couldn't believe she was a size 2/4.

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