Trying not to be angry

[Renkoss 420]

So sorry you have a Mom who says such hateful and mean things to you. Wow. The only one who ever called me a fat pig was my older sister when we were younger. And, of course, she was/is very thin. So I guess to her I was a fat pig.

I think you should confront your Mom and let her know how saying those things when you were younger (and even now how she deals with your weight) has been so negative and has caused you to do things that have been hurtful to your body such as eating secretly and such. She needs to know how what she says to you affects you and your emotions/self image.

Continue with your journey for you sweetheart. Don't do this for anyone else's approval, even your Mom's. You need to know you are completely worth doing this for your health and happiness.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Every since I was around 12 years old, my mother has been harsh about my body and the way I look. I remember her making comments like "do you want to be as big as a house" and "you're a fat pig". I was not a large child. At 13 i weighed 125. I remember my mom lecturing me on the way out of the doctor's office saying that is an adult weight and is need to be careful. My mom is very thin and does not understand how badly these comments have messed with my mind. Even present day, she was one of the people who wanted me to get this surgery. I am glad I went through with it. I'm only 2 weeks in and very emotional. My mother is continuing to not be supportive. How do I tell her off without sounding bitter or jealous? In fact how would you handle anyone who makes inappropriate comments about your weight. I'm finding it is hard to block them out.

Sent from my SM-G530T using the BariatricPal App

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

You have received some great encouragement and advice on this site.

One thing I want to add is that is perfectly acceptable to feel anger and be angry when you are treated badly or unfairly. For me, my obesity is partly due to trying to avoid feeling my feelings.

Learning how to feel emotions and feelings and deal with them in a healthy way is a big part of this journey for me.

[Josey Quinn 187]

Every since I was around 12 years old, my mother has been harsh about my body and the way I look. My mother is continuing to not be supportive. How do I tell her off without sounding bitter or jealous? In fact how would you handle anyone who makes inappropriate comments about your weight. I'm finding it is hard to block them out.

(((Hugs))) for enduring this kind of criticism for so long. You did nothing to deserve it, and it says much more about your mother than about you.

Your mother is not concerned about how she sounds to you, so I urge you to take the same approach. Don't worry about sounding bitter or jealous or anything else. Simply tell her that if she cannot be supportive, she must stop speaking to you about your weight. Period.

You have taken a courageous path to improve your health. You deserve positive support from the people in your life. No one, not even your mother, has the right to drag you down.

Come back to the forum and let us know when you need encouragement. We understand.

[jj7481 363]

Stories like these are always hard to read. Growing up my mother didn't want me to be overweight, but she never shamed me or called me names. For that....I thank her. However, one mantra I have lived by and will always live by is this: Blood may make you family but it doesn't afford you unlimited currency to treat me as you please.

[bedker123 16]

Growing up I've always been heavy , my dad was brutal to me about my weight from as far back I can remember, he said horrible things to me, yet I always tried so hard to win his approval, I am still overweight but getting my surgery on March 11th. I don't speak to my father and haven't in 22 years. It's his loss.

[jj7481 363]

It's his loss.

Indeed. Sometimes they need to remember that they only have one of you. You can't be the only one trying in the relationship.

[RNsleever715 117]

I could quote your entire post except it wasn't my mother, it was my grandmother. She was tiny. Constant criticism about me being too big and eating too much. Then when I was on a diet I was not eating enough. It was never the right thing! I was so frustrated. It's crazy now that I almost understand her.... After my own daughter started developing I have found myself saying things to her about watching her eating habits. I did this strictly out of love and concern, not wanting her to go through what I have my whole life. I caught myself one day and cried for a solid hour.... Sometimes those who Iove us and want to help us don't realize they can also hurt us with their "helpful" words. I would never call my baby a hurtful name. I truly don't think they realize how much it hurts. TELL HER.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@salmon77, I'll read pages two and three of the replies later.

For now, I'd go with one of two things. "Mother, do you think you could hate me just a tiny bit less?" The other option would be, "Mother, do you think you could hate me just a tiny bit less?" and walk away.

Too bad people don't have to turn cartwheels to be approved for parenthood as do bariatric-surgery hopefuls.

You're great and she has to go through life being herself. There is justice in the world.

[shellyd88 463]

There are people in this world who will always find a reason to criticize others about oh just about anything I've found that it's easier just to not engage with those ppl I've wasted enough time getting fat being fat and trying not to be fat anymore no one else's opinion holds any weight with me we don't need anyone's approval or permission to try and get healthier by whatever means works for us for me it was surgery I don't ask or give a rats ass who thinks what about it I've had to take this view as so many ppl can be unbelievably cruel and judge others on things they can't possibly understand which makes me feel like bitch slapping them and quite frankly I enjoy buying new clothes too much to spend it on bail lol

[songsmith 334]

Every since I was around 12 years old, my mother has been harsh about my body and the way I look. I remember her making comments like "do you want to be as big as a house" and "you're a fat pig". I was not a large child. At 13 i weighed 125. I remember my mom lecturing me on the way out of the doctor's office saying that is an adult weight and is need to be careful. My mom is very thin and does not understand how badly these comments have messed with my mind. Even present day, she was one of the people who wanted me to get this surgery. I am glad I went through with it. I'm only 2 weeks in and very emotional. My mother is continuing to not be supportive. How do I tell her off without sounding bitter or jealous? In fact how would you handle anyone who makes inappropriate comments about your weight. I'm finding it is hard to block them out.

Sent from my SM-G530T using the BariatricPal App

My mom and yours must be related. Same thing with the weight. I had an aunt who weighed 350 pounds. My mom was always telling my 12-year-old self I was as huge as Aunt B. She'd buy hand-me-down tops (no way the pants would fit, but I have huge boobs) from my aunt and make me wear them. One time (when I was an adult) I had lost 75 pounds doing Atkins. My mom knew my size. For Christmas she bought me something 3 sizes too big and then threw a temper tantrum when I said I couldn't--not wouldn't!--couldn't wear them. The pants wouldn't stay up. Then again my mom was BPD. I used to laugh that it was sad a grown woman was still afraid of her mother, but there you have it. She's gone now. If she was still alive, I would never tell her about my surgery. Never. Telling you this so you know I really do understand how that feels.

Could you be more specific about how your mom isn't supportive? The things she's saying? It will be easier to think of responses with examples. You could try the, "I appreciate your concern for my well-being, Mother, but my doctor gave me strict orders about (whatever she's on about) and I need to follow those." It sounds counter intuitive to telling her off, but I always found it better to deflect my mom than attempt reason.

[careya123 260]

Maybe sit down and have an honest conversation about the damage she is doing to you and could she please be supportive. If it doesn't work, put some distance between the two of you. Move away, if you are geographically close to her. Only talk to her on the phone if she is being supportive. Once she gets negative, say goodbye and hang up. Either she'll learn to be nice or you won't spend time with her. It's awful but your life will improve without all the negativity in it.

Or ignore everything I said, and see a real therapist. That's probably the better course of action.

Edited February 26, 2016 by careya123

[AnA92212 577]

Oh my. I feel as if we share a very similar story. My mom told me in 8th grade that I need to lose weight because no boy wanted to go out with a fat girl. She told me when I was 30 that no man would marry a fat woman. (showed her, I got married to a wonderful man at age 35). My mom had me on a diet since the age of 10. In high school I became anorexic (got down to 83 pounds) and then when I went in for a check up the doctor put me in counseling and a "diet". Gained 40 pounds and my mom called me fat. I just went downhill from there. Ended up weighing almost 300 pounds.

My mom was not really on board with me getting the surgery. I am now 9 months out and down 158 pounds. She has yet to say that I look good, or that I look better, etc. She has hurt me in many ways so it is just a way of life now. I am cordial to her, but i can't let her "in" anymore. It is just too much. I think the only reason she is nice to me is so she can see my daughter.

I hope you can salvage your relationship with your mom. It is one of my biggest fears that my daughter will grow up and not want to be around me. My husband and others tell me that I am completely different than my mom. I hope so.

[Susanslosin 12]

Something my mother said to me when I was 12 ( she was always tiny)

"If you weigh more than me before you are 16 , I am sending you to the FAT Farm"

I brought this up to her about 10 years ago and she was mortified and apologized ...

I have always been overweight with the exception of about 2 years when I hit my weight watchers goal 6 years ago ( regained it all!)

Words hurt ...Plain and simple........

I just had my initial consult today and have a 90 day "diet period" for insurance . I am hoping to be sleeved early June!

GO ME!!!!

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,899]

...Give your Mom a steak knife and ask her to stab you in the back. Hopefully she won't, but maybe she could make the connection that her words cause damage and hurt just as much...

Play it safe and hand her a butter knife instead.

[Dizzeepinkee 72]

_{@@salmon77 I can completely relate to a mother missing the boat on being "nurturing'. VERY long story, but suffice to say, I've had to put up healthy boundaries and have realistic expectations for our relationship. While hard, the best thing I've done FOR ME, is to forgive her failings, and limit access to her in the areas of my life where she can cause emotional harm. It is a tough thing to do, and is never one and done. I do love her, and value the relationship I have with her, but as another poster said, very well I might add, that heing blood doesn't give someone free license to be toxic. Building healthy boundaries in your relationship can actually strengthen it. Good luck!}

Edited February 28, 2016 by Dizzeepinkee