I am preparing for the sleeve. Met wonderful beautiful ladies who are around their goal weight last night, at a support group, who proudly showed me their before pics and then said something like "I can't believe I thought I was cute I was a fat cow"

Guess what, they were cute! Beautiful! Way hotter than I am at this moment! So although they didn't mean to, it made me feel horrible about myself. I know I may feel differently in a year or two, but for now I think we should be kind and don't throw around words that make newbies feel even worse about themselves. :-( feeling ugly and fat

PRINCESSM,

They probably were not even remotely mindful of how their statements were impacting you. People often say things only thinking of themselves without taking others into consideration.

We all need to remember where we came from and have compassion for those that still suffer. I remember hearing that in all the Overeater's Anonymous, (OA), meetings I went to--have compassion for those that still suffer.

I don't think people who have never been overweight or obese have any clue as to how deep that suffering goes. Not just the physical pain and suffering but the emotional pain and suffering that overweight/obese people endure. People unjustly judge you to have serious character flaws when you are "fluffy".

I hope your surgery goes well and you have an easy recovery.

Blessings,

Kathleen

Edited May 15, 201412 yr by Katcloudshepherd

PrincessM -

I agree with Kathleen - sometimes we forget where we came from and we don't think before we speak.

I've notices something about myself during these past 2 months --My view of people has changed - even after dropping just 35 pounds. I look at before and after pictures and see beautiful people in both the before and after, but what I notice more now is the pain, sadness, frustration, etc in the eyes of the before pictures. It is gone in the after pictures - pure joy is what I see there.

And when I see someone in person that is heavy, fluffy, etc I sometimes also see that same pain, sadness and frustration - all I want to do is reach out, hug them, tell them they are beautiful and help them overcome that pain.

Remember - the surgery and weight loss allows you to finally see what others already see about you, your beauty.

Terrible...that is beautiful. I thank you with tears in my eyes. I am still preop and that hit home.

I mean Terribj...not terrible! Auto correct....

sleevin' it in jersey - I've been called worse

Good Luck with your surgery, it is an amazing journey

what a great thread and great responses. you are all kind and thoughful ladies and it reminds me why I am so glad I found this site back when I was pre-banded and scared to death of what my future held.

I know exactly what your talking about. But it is true they are thinking about how they felt about themselves. Not thinking of you at all. That is self absorbed and in a sense they are overcome with how far they have come. Not only that but they are thinking about the work and struggles they had to make and still have to do to maintain what they have done.

I have approached this subject on here as well. People are not trying to talk about the fluffy ones they are only seeing themselves and how they felt about themselves. But it does sting the ones who are heavier then they were to start off with.

Some have the ability to speak elegantly and able to say what they mean without the punch in the stomach. Others well I just assume now that they are not talking about me and go on...

It is hard to stop hating yourself after you have been down and out for so long and we tend to insult ourselves before we think others will have the chance.......

Your doing great....I have always used the word fluffy instead of obese...I hate that word!!!!!!!!! Some skinny guy or gal must have invented it.....bla!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited May 15, 201412 yr by RJ'S/beginning

I think that the self loathing of ourselves ... or rather our formerly fat selves... is unhealthy. You mention the obvious impact on others who feel that sting of comparison, but there is also what it does to your own inner life and feelings of self esteem.

Looks are a very superficial way to measure ourselves and it seems like at least some degree of self acceptance helps a person find inner peace.

I am preparing for the sleeve. Met wonderful beautiful ladies who are around their goal weight last night, at a support group, who proudly showed me their before pics and then said something like "I can't believe I thought I was cute I was a fat cow"

Guess what, they were cute! Beautiful! Way hotter than I am at this moment! So although they didn't mean to, it made me feel horrible about myself. I know I may feel differently in a year or two, but for now I think we should be kind and don't throw around words that make newbies feel even worse about themselves. :-( feeling ugly and fat

you are beautiful before, current and after......

That is a never ending learning issue with people who have some kind of issue. Society teaches us that we have to look a certain way. Society teaches us that it is alright to beat up on those that are fluffier then others. When you come here and people talk about themselves. And they are expressing that self loathing it is part of the journey to change that feeling or thought process for their own well being. Being content with who we are now or becoming is a work in progress for sure...I feel like you @@CowgirlJane that we all need to except the us inside while we work to improve our health. But by nature and how we have been taught at a very young age it is a slow and painful process...

I remember when I was a teenager and I was a skinny little thing...I thought I was ugly. I felt like I had no shape and that the boys of my time were still looking for the hour glass figure girls...and to be honest they were.....

I did not appreciate myself back then and would love to relive that time being content with who I am and maybe all this would not have happened to me. One of the issues is that we buy into the propaganda of what is acceptable and what is not....It is all a mirage. In reality there is room for all of us. But the issue gets blurred when our health is involved. And that is where we make the necessary changes that we need to make for ourselves.

When I am sure about everything and know the answers to life's secrets it will probably be when I take my last breath and I say oh yes now I understand...Life is like that you know....lol

What awesome people you are :-) thanks to all of you. I always say people are beautiful before and after, but I am so hard on myself, and you're right I want to be harsh to myself before anyone else has the chance. Much change needs to happen within.....

Oh and maybe I need to be less sensitive lol

Hey Princess (and you are), I've been very upfront on this forum about my struggles. I see a therapist to help me deal with the internal issues I'm going through. I've lost half my size and when I look in the mirror, I have no idea who's looking back.

Just the other day, one of my doctors said I was half a Liz. It was meant as a compliment but I heard it differently. Like what was wrong with the whole Liz. And then I wondered what else was half of me. What else was less? Could it be my compassion? My strength? My reserve? See what I mean? This is so much more than a weight loss journey. It's a life changing journey in every sense of the word. Again...it's why I stay on this site and post. People need to be encouraged but they also need to know the challenges as well.

Great to have you here and again, best of luck...I know you'll do great.

PrincessM I totally understand what you mean. I had my RNY surgery last week. For me it was about improving several health conditions. But I really loved my outside appearance. My best friend and I are a size apart. She would always say things like "we can't wear that stuff cause we are fat" or they don't make things like that in our size. Always lumping me in with her in a negative light. I finally had to talk to her and say I think I am beautiful. I'm sorry that's how you feel about yourself but I don't share your sentiments. I know it sounds corny and cliche but I believe in finding the beauty in yourself at any size. If you think you aren't going to have body issues even at a smaller size I think you are mistaken. We are always going to find something.

Have you ever seen the movie "Mean Girls"? I am thinking of the scene where the girls stand and look at themselves in the mirror and start saying things like, "I hate my shoulders!", "I hate my nose"! That scene resonated with me, because that's what we as women do. Self-deprecating humor can be charming in small doses, but there is often a shred of truth beneath everything we say about ourselves. Some level of deep inner hatred directed at ourselves and only ourselves.

Our fellow WLS sisters are sensitive and we all need to remember that what we say about ourselves affects other women around us. Thanks for this reminder.