Compliments...the good, the bad and the ugly

[chasingadream 1,311]

I had my lap band with plication surgery on Sept. 19th. It has been 5 1/2 months since that surgery and life is good and I feel very blessed with the success I've been seeing so far in my lap-band journey. I have lost 82 pounds to date and finally, yes finally, just threw out all the sizes of clothing that no longer fit me...and NEVER will again. So I purchased some new pants and shirts that actually fit and look flattering on me.

Well, the compliments have been pouring in from every direction. And although yes, it is very nice to hear and very flattering....it is sometimes a little overwhelming. I dont like being the center of attention especially when that attention focuses around the way I look. I'm learning to take it graciously...say "thanks so much" and just continue on with my day. But today, and I'm not sure why today, it actually threw me over the edge a bit.

Besides the normal, "you look great" comments. I had several people tell me that they were sorry they were staring at me but I just look COMPLETELY different. I felt like an alien. I know my appearance has changed but definitely not to that point. I was walking through the halls today and at one point thought to myself...I just wish noone noticed anymore and would treat me like the old me....it is bizarre.

And of course in addition to the nice comments....comes the what are you doing? I know it is that curiosity factor of what's working for me may work for them but sometimes people just push that too far. Only 8 people at work know that I had WLS (out of a staff of 70 or so) and that is the way I prefer it since it is a big gossipy rumor mill when "juicy information" is available. I am not ashamed of my decision but I just dont want to hear anything from anyone about my choice. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life (and one of the best I might surely add) but I only want people who will support me to know about the very personal choice that I decided to make...hence the small number of people knowing. Sometimes I just wish people could say you look great and just walk away.

Sometimes I feel like I have been untruthful when asked 'what are you doing?'...but my standard answer is small meals, higher Protein than carbs and walking...and that is the truth! With all the pressure just on the weight loss front I would love to not add any more to the plate...so to speak! Only 2 people came straight out and said "you had lap band surgery" and to those people I unhappily said yes (because I cannot lie to someone)....but surprisingly enough they have been kind enough to keep my private business quiet.

So, yep...compliments are GREAT...they make me say" yeah it IS working"....and they are bad....to the point of feeling overwhelmed....and they are ugly....when I feel so so uncomfortable that I look SO different I wonder if I've morphed into something so new I wont recognize myself one day!

Just needed to share my thoughts...thanks for reading!

Edited March 7, 2014 by chasingadream

[Lady VS 1,147]

I totally get what you're saying. I'm sooo tired of the I hardly recognized you comments till it ain't funny. Or I have to get used to you like this. All I do is smile and say okay. It's nerve wrecking.

[gowalking 10,790]

Same here Tracy. I was out of the office for the hip surgery, and when I got back, everyone really noticed the weight loss. I've heard everything from 'you look great' to 'I don't even recognize you'. I also feel that while it's nice to be noticed, I'm just as happy to have this part of it be in the past and have everyone get used to the smaller me so it becomes something they are all used to.

I've also had those queries as well about how I lost the weight. I tell them I needed to lose it because of the hips and I eat around 1,000 calories. That part is true and that's all anyone needs to know. Because my coworkers were aware of my joint issues (limping and in pain as I walked the halls), they accept my explanation and don't ask too many other questions.

[TLL 105]

I completely understand where you all are coming from, I've been thinking about this a lot the last of couple of days myself. I truly love that I'm losing weight, looking and feeling better. I'm so glad people are noticing, and now that I've bought clothes that fit me properly, I'm hearing lots of compliments. And it's awesome! It really is, it makes you feel great. But I'm also extremely shy and don't like to be the center of attention, I'd much rather blend in with the wallpaper. People keep referring to me as "skinny". When my dad did it, it was cute. But now everyone at work has started in with the same thing. I'm obviously still FAR from skinny. It makes me feel awkward and I never know how to respond. I've been saying things like "Hopefully one day!" or "I've still got a long way to go before I make it to 'skinny'"!

It's definitely a two sided card. I love the compliments, but at the same time, the attention is unnerving!

[Chickie D 76]

As heavier people, being in the shadows was comfortable. It's going to take some time to get over that and get used to the difference. And for us, the weight loss can happen so quickly that our minds take a bit of time catching up to where our bodies are.

When I weighed 180 and the fast "easy" weight loss had slowed, I started wondering what was next and where I had gone. Totally ooscrayed myself with that mind game. I started regaining bit by bit.

I'm working on it this time around. Advertising the fact that I'm losing weight. Talking about how good I feel. Hoping that will contribute to my head catching up faster.

[Lady VS 1,147]

I completely understand where you all are coming from, I've been thinking about this a lot the last of couple of days myself. I truly love that I'm losing weight, looking and feeling better. I'm so glad people are noticing, and now that I've bought clothes that fit me properly, I'm hearing lots of compliments. And it's awesome! It really is, it makes you feel great. But I'm also extremely shy and don't like to be the center of attention, I'd much rather blend in with the wallpaper. People keep referring to me as "skinny". When my dad did it, it was cute. But now everyone at work has started in with the same thing. I'm obviously still FAR from skinny. It makes me feel awkward and I never know how to respond. I've been saying things like "Hopefully one day!" or "I've still got a long way to go before I make it to 'skinny'"!

It's definitely a two sided card. I love the compliments, but at the same time, the attention is unnerving!

Agreed

[MandaMom23 684]

I can relate to everything you've said. I honestly wasn't prepared at all for this part. For so long I wanted to be that person that lost weight, and hoped people would notice. To be totally honest, I never thought I'd get here. I had no clue how this could bring so many mixed emotions. I love it that people notice, yet hate it when they bring it up...if that makes sense. I never know what to say, or how to respond. Sometimes just a simple 'thank you', doesn't make them stop. it's overwhelming at times. I'm a very shy, quiet person in general. I have never ever enjoyed being the center of attention. This is all new for me.

Lately I've been getting hurtful comments...basically, backhanded compliments. Things like, "you're losing too much weight", "you need to eat something", "you're getting way too skinny". I can't help but wonder why when I was 300lbs no one bothered to tell me I was 'too fat', or to 'stop eating so much', or 'you're getting too fat'? It's no less hurtful now than it would have been 148lbs ago. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but it does. Again, I don't know how to respond to those things either.

[Sharpie 3,306]

yes I saw some people last night at a meeting that hadn't seen me since I had my surgery.. They were raving about how good I looked. Several asked how I did it, I told them I had lapband. One lady even said wow I would never do that. Is said well if you had diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol and couldn't walk from your car to the store you might.. She was not small and I must have hit a nerve because she disappeared. Honestly I think we spend so much time trying not to be noticed when we are obese that is overwhelming to be noticed so much. It will subside once people get used to the new you. Then we will feel a little sad. I think as time goes on and everyone gets used to your new appearance you will feel more normal also.

take the compliments, ignore the rudeness and keep on doing what is best for you.

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,721]

I had my lap band with plication surgery on Sept. 19th. It has been 5 1/2 months since that surgery and life is good and I feel very blessed with the success I've been seeing so far in my lap-band journey. I have lost 82 pounds to date and finally, yes finally, just threw out all the sizes of clothing that no longer fit me...and NEVER will again. So I purchased some new pants and shirts that actually fit and look flattering on me.

Well, the compliments have been pouring in from every direction. And although yes, it is very nice to hear and very flattering....it is sometimes a little overwhelming. I dont like being the center of attention especially when that attention focuses around the way I look. I'm learning to take it graciously...say "thanks so much" and just continue on with my day. But today, and I'm not sure why today, it actually threw me over the edge a bit.

Besides the normal, "you look great" comments. I had several people tell me that they were sorry they were staring at me but I just look COMPLETELY different. I felt like an alien. I know my appearance has changed but definitely not to that point. I was walking through the halls today and at one point thought to myself...I just wish noone noticed anymore and would treat me like the old me....it is bizarre.

And of course in addition to the nice comments....comes the what are you doing? I know it is that curiosity factor of what's working for me may work for them but sometimes people just push that too far. Only 8 people at work know that I had WLS (out of a staff of 70 or so) and that is the way I prefer it since it is a big gossipy rumor mill when "juicy information" is available. I am not ashamed of my decision but I just dont want to hear anything from anyone about my choice. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life (and one of the best I might surely add) but I only want people who will support me to know about the very personal choice that I decided to make...hence the small number of people knowing. Sometimes I just wish people could say you look great and just walk away.

Sometimes I feel like I have been untruthful when asked 'what are you doing?'...but my standard answer is small meals, higher Protein than carbs and walking...and that is the truth! With all the pressure just on the weight loss front I would love to not add any more to the plate...so to speak! Only 2 people came straight out and said "you had lap band surgery" and to those people I unhappily said yes (because I cannot lie to someone)....but surprisingly enough they have been kind enough to keep my private business quiet.

So, yep...compliments are GREAT...they make me say" yeah it IS working"....and they are bad....to the point of feeling overwhelmed....and they are ugly....when I feel so so uncomfortable that I look SO different I wonder if I've morphed into something so new I wont recognize myself one day!

Just needed to share my thoughts...thanks for reading!

you morphed into a healthy beautiful woman who was there all along...just hid underneath all the past dieting BS and low self esteem and unworthy to be living......you are a success NOW because YOU my dear made the decision to do something about it instead of woe is me....(i speak from the heart and from my own experiences GF).....you deserve every sweet/nice thing gave to you....accept it and say thank you........head up......shoulders back, high heels on and WORK IT GIRL........never look back......

[Bandista 7,466]

I think as humans we are looking for radical acceptance of who we are, without judgement. Inner beauty is so often overlooked and society is obsessed with supposed physical perfection. Sometimes there is so much focus on the container rather than what is inside. This makes me sad and mad.

When I first gained weight it was a result of Prednisone -- fifty pounds practically overnight. I was 29, getting married and already alarmed at the bride-to-be attention. Now I had the attention of all the people who couldn't understand how I could have gained so much weight so suddenly. I felt a deep shame and anguish. After that initial fifty pounds, I went on every possible diet to try to rebalance my body and shed, but we all know how that story ends. Pretty soon that fifty went up to eighty pounds. Then one-hundred. I just couldn't shift it no matter what I did.

Along the way -- and it's been a long way from age 29 to 52 -- I have had to contend with people wondering how I let myself go like that, why I didn't just do this or that to lose the weight, what happened to her, etc. Being the subject of this kind of attention has been very painful, and we all share that here. Weight is so visible; every one notices. I found myself craving invisibility.

I wonder what it will feel like to be at an "acceptable" weight and how I will handle people remarking on that. It's all so personal. That's why I'm really glad to have all of you here. I can identify so deeply with this post and with all the comments here. I want to be able to hold my head up high and thank people when they offer me a compliment, but I don't know how to receive graciously.

A friend was over yesterday and said that I looked great; I just went silent for a moment then moved the conversation along without even acknowledging it. I think this is how I've lived for a long time -- just not acknowledging my worth. The gift I am. So that's all part of this big project of reinventing myself and securing my healthy future. There's a reclaiming that's happening and it's a bit daunting.

Sorry to ramble on so long. I guess this has all been on my mind, too. Transformation and what that means not only to myself -- that part I'm very excited about -- but also to the people around me. Thankfully my husband loves all of me and sees ME, my light, my wholeness, and he has all along. But my extended family, not so much. Choosing myself first now is bound to cause a few ripples, but I'm up for this. I'm up for ME.

[naenaern777 345]

Bandista I had no idea we started from the same place....Prednisone! I gained 60lbs in like 4 months in 2010 and then it kept snowballing from there. I to could not get it off no matter how hard I tried. I don't know why you had to take it but I'm glad we are on this journey to health together.

[readysetg070113 1,476]

Up for you yes bandista !!!

The truth is we are eating better and exercising more that's what I tell people. Fearful they will know the truth but the band isn't the easy way out its a tool and we all need tools so just like I don't brag I take a Vitamin everyday i do t brag about my band I did this for me so the hell with everyone else. Yes the compliments are hard sometimes for the reason you listed but as I cont to work hard I enjoy the acknowledgement for my hard work. This is my journey for me no one else matters perhaps if input myself first years ago I would have been 297lbs but that was then this is now

[Lapbandster 496]

Better than

"Looks like you finally got it together! After all these years of being obese! We've all been worried about you"

Edited March 26, 2014 by Lapbandster

[readysetg070113 1,476]

Better than "Looks like you finally got it together! After all these years of being obese! We've all been worried about you"

Oh love those type of sayings wtf is wrong with people my coworker gives back handed compliments like that and finally I had to put her in her place telling her how rude it is and the fact is I had a problem and if you never been obese you can't understand so please keep ur negative while well intentioned comments to urself