Please Help Me Wrap My Head Around This...

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

Yep.. Right there with you. I constantly shop in the big sections. I don't consider myself any smaller than before. I've worried about this and will seek help if I continue to lose. I'm not trying to, and I'm ok with it, but in the back of my mind I know the dangers. I don't want to become unhealthy just because I don't see the real me in the mirror.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I am afraid my over abundance of self confidence was a huge part of why I packed on the pounds. I never saw myself as enormous as I was. I got the surgery for the "right reasons" - to be healthy - and I am so happy that I did. Now that I am HEALTHY, the egotistical part of wanting to look as fabulous as I feel and as fabulous as I've always thought I was is kicking in and just like I didn't see myself as fat, I don't see myself as where I am now either.

Will the REAL Slim Shady please stand up?

[lsereno 2,525]

Yeah, some days I look in the mirror and see a fattie. And that's after over a year and a half at my goal weight, which puts me at a 21.8 BMI.

I found it helpful to look at myself in a three way mirror, or in multiple reflections so I'm not staring at myself head on. I had to learn to walk more erect, (my weight had kinda hunched me), walk and sit with my thighs closer together and my arms closer to my side. Also, to realize I could fit down an aisle even if someone ekes was in it. I'm in a small top and size 6 pants. They still look too small to me.

Lynda

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Not helping, Lynda.

:wub:

[Roo101769 742]

Ok. I have to get in on this subject. I totally and completely get what you are saying. But I am at an even worse place in a way. I have lost 52lbs to date ( since my heaviest earlier this year) and I am just NOW where you started Lipstick !!! ( 5'3" - 264lbs) My weight loss is noticeable to everyone but me. The only thing I can see at this point is just how gross my neck looks. ( I am working on it, trust me) I still wear my size 26W clothes, although they hang on me. I guess part of me finds it comforting. Thing was, at 316lbs those size 26W were stretched to peak capacity. I was just too...vain(?)... to go up another size. I do have some 24W clothes that I have been wearing on occasion. They fit, in fact they are starting to get loose. But I still go back to the 26W because......I don't know why. Maybe there is a sense of comfort there although I was totally uncomfortable and miserable. It is a pretty strange and perplexing thing. And as far as seeing myself "skinny"??? That is the farthest thing from my mind and the hardest to imagine. I ONCE had a dream that I was normal size since I started the whole process of WLS. I woke up so excited for it to be a reality. I have never dreamed that again. I have been losing weight a little slower post op, so it has been even harder to see a change. I just have to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do and hope that maybe someday, I will feel like something other than the fat girl...

[xiomara8868 101]

Ok. I have to get in on this subject. I totally and completely get what you are saying. But I am at an even worse place in a way. I have lost 52lbs to date ( since my heaviest earlier this year) and I am just NOW where you started Lipstick !!! ( 5'3" - 264lbs) My weight loss is noticeable to everyone but me. The only thing I can see at this point is just how gross my neck looks. ( I am working on it, trust me) I still wear my size 26W clothes, although they hang on me. I guess part of me finds it comforting. Thing was, at 316lbs those size 26W were stretched to peak capacity. I was just too...vain(?)... to go up another size. I do have some 24W clothes that I have been wearing on occasion. They fit, in fact they are starting to get loose. But I still go back to the 26W because......I don't know why. Maybe there is a sense of comfort there although I was totally uncomfortable and miserable. It is a pretty strange and perplexing thing. And as far as seeing myself "skinny"??? That is the farthest thing from my mind and the hardest to imagine. I ONCE had a dream that I was normal size since I started the whole process of WLS. I woke up so excited for it to be a reality. I have never dreamed that again. I have been losing weight a little slower post op, so it has been even harder to see a change. I just have to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do and hope that maybe someday, I will feel like something other than the fat girl...

I feel you

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Ok. I have to get in on this subject. I totally and completely get what you are saying. But I am at an even worse place in a way. I have lost 52lbs to date ( since my heaviest earlier this year) and I am just NOW where you started Lipstick !!! ( 5'3" - 264lbs) My weight loss is noticeable to everyone but me. The only thing I can see at this point is just how gross my neck looks. ( I am working on it, trust me) I still wear my size 26W clothes, although they hang on me. I guess part of me finds it comforting. Thing was, at 316lbs those size 26W were stretched to peak capacity. I was just too...vain(?)... to go up another size. I do have some 24W clothes that I have been wearing on occasion. They fit, in fact they are starting to get loose. But I still go back to the 26W because......I don't know why. Maybe there is a sense of comfort there although I was totally uncomfortable and miserable. It is a pretty strange and perplexing thing. And as far as seeing myself "skinny"??? That is the farthest thing from my mind and the hardest to imagine. I ONCE had a dream that I was normal size since I started the whole process of WLS. I woke up so excited for it to be a reality. I have never dreamed that again. I have been losing weight a little slower post op, so it has been even harder to see a change. I just have to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do and hope that maybe someday, I will feel like something other than the fat girl...

Girl...do you live in Virginia? I would haul your ass out to the mall so fast...

You need to toss the big clothes and move into smaller things. STAT.

[mistysj 1,939]

This is called body dysmorphia and a lot of us struggle with it. There are some therapists who specialize in it. Have you considered that route?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Nah... I am going to give myself time. It's all happened so fast! If my head doesn't catch up, I would consider, but not yet. Eventually my overinflated ego might just kick in and I'll be unbearable to be around.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Roo...look at my stats. 5'5" frame and lost 160 now.

[carstanger 346]

I was wearing size 12 pants and my daughter had me try on smaller ones. I now wear 8P short depending on the style. I have to try everything on because I can't even guess what size as it varies. Just thankful I can do the things I now do....Didn't get off the bipap though which was a huge disappointment. Maybe in a year.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I'm starting to realize that I have a raging case of dysmorphia - I look at photos of me at my heaviest, 120# ago, and I genuinely think, "she's fat but not *that* fat, and not much bigger than me now". I would love to get help for it but I actually think I am still too fat to be worthy of that kind of help - how awful!

I would have recommended those sites except that they aren't really trustworthy, people lie about their weight and size. Some people here on VSG have posted another option which is to get a trusted friend, go to a public place like a mall, and have them point out someone that they think looks about the same size as you. That way, you are seeing your size through someon else's eyes.

As for what is skinny - I don't think my body type allows for it, even if I weighed 90 lbs and had no loose skin, my bone structure is wide shoulders, wide hips, genetically big boobs lol.

[M2G 1,836]

I still fight this to some degree (at 3+ years out) and honestly I don't think that there is an easy answer. I will spend time looking at old photos of me (rare because I was usually safely behind the camera) or pulling out old clothing to wake up my brain that is telling me I'm fat. But to some degree I don't think that it really ever goes away 100%.

Here is a clip from Shelly at the World According to Eggface, where she went on the Rikki Lake show to talk about it:

http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-ricki-lake-show-wrap-up.html

Body dismorphia is crazy...because when I was at my largest, my brain would refuse to acknowledge how big I was (which was a big reason to hide from the camera because cameras have a way of telling the truth ---mostly, photoshopping notwithstanding---) I was in the camp of refusing to buy bigger clothes and instead squeezed myself into the biggest clothes I already owned (3x and a few 4x) but now at the other end of the spectrum, I still have *those* moments when I think I'm much bigger than I really am.

For me, I also went through a regain period and I think that has messed with my brain considerably (GT, I know you feel me sista!) It is truly humbling to hit a "low" and then bounce UP. Gah! BUT here is the kicker...when I sit and compare photos of me at my lowest weight, compared to my regain (which now is about 8lbs) I literally see NO DIFFERENCE. So basically even though I'm still beating myself up over the extra lbs, realistically I cannot see them, but I know they are there.

Anyway, that got a little long...it's sad to me that Michelle (Shelly) still 7 years later cannot SEE her transformation. Wow, just wow.

[Chimera 644]

Being super morbidly obese for the majority of my life - I think I will always struggle with significant body dysmorphia - my poor husband - the first year it was constantly "I'm I that size? Am I bigger or small than that person" when we were out and about.

Whereas I used to spend most of my time with my head down and eyes averted as to not encourage being called names - now I love looking at people - love being normal enough that I am no longer a target for ridicule ( ahh what we have to go through with this struggle eh?)

some sites/forums that I like to look at are these, they seem to help me see the variety of sizes, shapes, at various weights etc - I am 5'3" - 49 years old btw.

Hmmm - I don't understand why I cant paste a url here....anyone have the magic answer?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

WOW!! Thank you ALL for sharing your stories! I feel so much better.