So I'm with a 6'4" and 175lbs man whom I been with for 8 Years now but married for soon to be 2 years... I'm 5'11" and currently weigh 310... Ive always been big, he likes big girls.. Lol but I meet him weighing 260 but due to a stressful relationship I gained about 70-90 pounds ... He cheated on me 2 times, I had a miscarriage, he used drugs but thru time he did a whole 180 and I ran back to him and we got married. He stoped drugs, well he still smokes weed n cigs, he stoped cheating and has a steady job...he's very loving and he sure took care of me after surgery (8/15/12) only 2 weeks ago...

Point is he's told ppl he thinks once I lose my weight I will leave him.... So sad to hear b/c lil does he know - Why would I leave him after everything we been thru and if he loved me fat, why would I leave him skinny? At least I know he loved me for the real me!!!!

However, we moved in with my family (really religious) b/c of financial issues and my surgery and now he's questioning our marriage.. Saying I spend too much time w/my family and we are very different... That he feels trapped here and can't be himself ( can't smoke).... SO WE GOT IN A HUGE ARGUMENT TODAY - and he said he doesn't know what to do anymore...

As if surgery wasn't stressful enough - now this! Ohhhh and I also rushed surgery to give him children since we had a hard time getn pregnant. HELPPP I NEED ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sitn here crying my heart out...

First I am sending you a big, long hug.

Second you need to know THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Based on what you're saying, it sounds like he's always had 1 foot out the door (with cheating) and especially more recently (using your weight loss against you).

Third, please please please surround yourself with people who love you and support you. I sounds like one day he's supportive the next he's not. This is not good for you. Rely on your family and friends. Find strength in them, and in turn, you will find strength in yourself. Don't even deal with the idea of divorce yet. If he goes, let him go. Rely on other means of support.

Give yourself 6 months to focus on YOU. Healing yourself physically and emotionally. Then deal with him once the 6 month period has passed.

You've come this far. You can do this!

Divorce rates to go up with WLS marriages. Sometimes it's the insecurity that does things in. Sometimes the WLS partner can't cope with the new attention (that they've maybe never had) and does things they probably shouldn't do. Sometimes it just brings to light much, much deeper rooted issues. Who knows the reason. Point is - no one can refute that in a lot of cases, it adds distress to a relationship.

I'm not saying this is you so pelase don't take it that way, but generically a lot of women have been overweight their entire lives. A lot of them marry the first person to show them any interest because, who knows? Maybe they think it's their only chance. Maybe they don't want to look a gifhorse in the mouth, or whatever. Maybe they think it's "real and perfect" because there's no frame of reference. At the end of the day, obesity does change you, mentally. And losing the obesity changes you also. All relationships grow. You can grow together like this | | or you can grow apart like this \ / but either way, you're growing.

I'm not gonna judge you for who you're with. Everyone, even battered women, are in the relationship because they get something out of it. Only you know what that something is, and/or what it's worth. There's very little anyone else can or should say that will make any difference at all. You will either reach a place where you enjoy the relationship, accept it, tolerate it, or leave it. Whatever your path is, good luck on the process of getting there.

When I met my husband I was what he called "the total package" (I'll debate that until the day I die). He has always felt like he didn't deserve me, but he has never worried that I would leave him. He was slim when we met (as was I) and has put on about 60 lbs (but he's 6'4 so 60 lbs gives him a poochy belly and moobs, and that's about it). If he trimmed up, losing him would not even come to mind. Whenever I hear "so and so is afraid I will lose them if I lose weight" two things come immediately to mind:

1. If they truly fear you will leave them if you're thin, do they also feel you're just staying because you're fat, and by virtue of that, what -- have no other choice?
   
   
2. That's a fairly irrational (or maybe I should say extreme) reaction to occur in a devoted, loving relationship. If a spouse's initial reaction to anything other than divorce papers is "OMG you will leave me" then there's something else going on. If you can figure out what his something else is, then you'll be that much farther ahead. (It sounds like he hasn't been the best partner, and surely he's aware of that - it sounds like #1 might apply).
   

Are you currently pregnant? (Not sure what "rushed surgery to give him children" means.) Might want to get yourselves in a better personal, partner, & financial situation before kids. They really are not magical glue that holds everything together regardless of how many cracks are there. They're more like fault magnifying glasses. But again - not my place to judge - just giving you my two cents.

UPDATE: he was cheating on me that's the real reason he wanted a divorce.. Thank god for phone call records... I knew it just needed proof! So Monday I WILL FILE FOR DIVORCE! he's so scandalous... Good for nothing son of a -----, it's ok he will get his!! God is justice in time he will try to come back , but noooooooo... This girl is DONE... I'm learning to love myself and start fresh - it will b hard but I can do it... Plus there's plenty of fish in the sea:)

UPDATE: he was cheating on me that's the real reason he wanted a divorce.. Thank god for phone call records... I knew it just needed proof! So Monday I WILL FILE FOR DIVORCE! he's so scandalous... Good for nothing son of a -----' date=' it's ok he will get his!! God is justice in time he will try to come back , but noooooooo... This girl is DONE... I'm learning to love myself and start fresh - it will b hard but I can do it... Plus there's plenty of fish in the sea:)[/quote']

GOOD for YOU!

Lots of fish in the sea. Although I'm sorry he did this to you, I'm glad you can now made a fresh start. You know in your heart of hearts that you deserve so much better!

8 long years wasted... But ur all right it's just I'm very hurt...

yes only 8 years, you want to waste the rest of your life with this loser?

Terrible to hear that anyone would go through what you have, but life certainly throws blows at everyone. I see that you found out the truth about him, and have decided to focus on your happiness. That's good news! You're a very beautiful girl and you derserve the best. Take Care of yourself and put you and your happiness first.

Good luck to you in your continued journey!

GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH!

know this sounds harsh, but this situation calls for a cold hard dose of reality. You are worth ore thatn what this realtionship/marriage is giving you. Please, no kids while you are in turmoil...children deserve so much more from their parents. Take this time to focus on yor health and weight loss. You cannot make/wish/will someone to love you.

8 long years wasted

jess

its sad to see anyones marriage go up in smoke, but.....................

you know whats worse than being in a bad/relationship/marriage for 8 years.

living in that bad/relationship/marrige for 8 years plus one day

i'm just adding my 2 cents, you need to come to your own conclusion/decision

sorry you are going through this situation a few weeks PO.

Hope you are healing alright, trying to get rest and of course drinking - must be hard under the circumstances

you must take care of yourself first, right now you just had MAJOR surgery, and you have to take that into consideration

you and DH are going through personal problems/emotions

he shouldn't have added fuel to the fire while you are recuperating by dropping the divorce bomb

IMO, he let out all his thoughts and words while you are very vulnerable - it was selfish of him to talk about this while you are Post WLS

above are just some of my thoughts to take or leave - perfectly ok.

head high

good luck

You really should buy a lottery ticket. I understand how powerful love is but were you seriously thinking having kids right now is a good idea?? He does drugs and you live with your parents because of financial issues--in what way is that a good time to start a family?? Please, please, PLEASE go to counseling and work through some things. You may not see it now, but it's a blessing in disguise that you didn't have children with him.

In not having kids and obviously I won't be back with him sooo don't worry... I just have a bad problem for not respecting myself and I guess I was settling but no more of that .. Fresh start ... I'll b looking hot soon n I hope he sees what he lost