Ok so the other day I was watching Oprah, and there was a woman on there who had had RNY. She looked great, very much health improved. Anyways she said something that sparked my interest. She said that she is not attracted to overweight men or men who are attracted to overweight women. She was like 600 pounds to begin with, and is now about 200.

So I thought, hmmm Im gonna do a poll! I want to know how you ladies and gents feel about this issue. Just for the fun of it, just out of curiosity, and just because I really like polls.

Ms. Vicki, your story is just one of the sweetest and most life affirming that I have ever heard.

Indianlight, perhaps it would be best if you would tell your new friend what you have told us. It makes sense, you know. You are seriously at work on conquering your own weight issues and while you are nuts about his personality you don't want to get serious about an individual who still is in a place that you have now left. A reformed alcoholic or smoker will turn down a heavy drinker or smoker as a mate for exactly the same reasons, you know. You might also explain to him that you want a serious relationship and this has got to be with a man who is not compromising his health and indeed his life. By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

He will know it's the "looks issue", no matter what you say. Ditto for "It's not you, it's me" and "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

This isn't his first rodeo. I'm sure he's heard all the let-him-down-easy stuff before.

Not that I think you should tell him his obesity turns you off. But he will know. We all always knew, didn't we?

Oh yes, when it comes to women and our relationship to our own physical appearance, we do tend to suffer to a greater or lesser degree from a mind-body disconnect from how we really look. Back when I was young and thin I thought that I was fat. Almost all the young women I knew then thought that they were fat even though they so obviously were not. And though I was attractive, I didn't think that I was. Despite my poor body image I managed to sow quite a few wild oats. I could have sowed many more had I a more healthy attitude towards my own appearance. I was in my 40s before I had made peace with myself and started to relax. Ironically this was when I hit menopause and started to gain and gain and gain the weight that I am fighting now. But even now I still have no idea what I actually look like. I am just more relaxed is all. This seems to be a woman thing.

Ms. Vicki, your story is just one of the sweetest and most life affirming that I have ever heard.

Indianlight, perhaps it would be best if you would tell your new friend what you have told us. It makes sense, you know. You are seriously at work on conquering your own weight issues and while you are nuts about his personality you don't want to get serious about an individual who still is in a place that you have now left. A reformed alcoholic or smoker will turn down a heavy drinker or smoker as a mate for exactly the same reasons, you know. You might also explain to him that you want a serious relationship and this has got to be with a man who is not compromising his health and indeed his life. By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

So true. When I was going to emotional counseling group meetings run by my surgeon's facility, the women were always talking about looks. When I said that I don't car what i look like, they all asked “Why did you get the surgery?”

“FOR MY HEALTH”

I wonder if Vicki would have a change of heart if this man had Bariactric surgery.

People look at us as if we were slobs. Too often, WE look at us as if we were slobs.

Oh yes, when it comes to women and our relationship to our own physical appearance, we do tend to suffer to a greater or lesser degree from a mind-body disconnect from how we really look. Back when I was young and thin I thought that I was fat. Almost all the young women I knew then thought that they were fat even though they so obviously were not. And though I was attractive, I didn't think that I was. Despite my poor body image I managed to sow quite a few wild oats. I could have sowed many more had I a more healthy attitude towards my own appearance. I was in my 40s before I had made peace with myself and started to relax. Ironically this was when I hit menopause and started to gain and gain and gain the weight that I am fighting now. But even now I still have no idea what I actually look like. I am just more relaxed is all. This seems to be a woman thing.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

So true. When I was going to emotional counseling group meetings run by my surgeon's facility, the women were always talking about looks. When I said that I don't car what i look like, they all asked “Why did you get the surgery?”

“FOR MY HEALTH”

When we are older and/or out of circulation (not married), we begin to focus more on health and less on looks, I think. But when you play the dating game, and especially when you are younger, looks (unfortunately) are what it's all about.

When we are older and/or out of circulation (not married), we begin to focus more on health and less on looks, I think. But when you play the dating game, and especially when you are younger, looks (unfortunately) are what it's all about.

I have to both agree and disagree with you.

The person who didn't give me a chance because of my mediocre looks was not really the person I wanted, although I didn't know it.

Also, by being persistent and kind (not phony, but truly kind), I was amazed how I could overcome my looks. My wife dated me just to get rid of me (gently) in a few weeks, because she didn't want to hurt such a nice guy and wanted to keep me as a friend after we broke up. That was 42 years ago and she still is a looker. When we go places together, people assume I am either loaded in my wallet or another area of my pants. Why else would a beautiful woman be with me?

Yes, looks get you into the doorway just like a salesman's foot, but if the product you have to sell is not worth much, there will be no sale.

"When we go places together, people assume I am either loaded in my wallet or in another area of my pants. Why else would a beautiful woman be with me?"

My husband says that this is the sad truth, that in general men judge men by their companions. An unattractive man with a gorgeous woman must have something somewhere else going for him and an attractive man with a not so attractive woman is regarded with slight suspicion, that he must have something wrong somewhere, somehow.

By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

So true. When I was going to emotional counseling group meetings run by my surgeon's facility, the women were always talking about looks. When I said that I don't car what i look like, they all asked “Why did you get the surgery?”

“FOR MY HEALTH”

I wonder if Vicki would have a change of heart if this man had Bariactric surgery.

People look at us as if we were slobs. Too often, WE look at us as if we were slobs.

I dated a man that weighed 600 lbs before I met and married my 130 lb husband. The reason we broke up had nothing to do with his (or my) physical appearance. Truth be told, he broke up with me.

Physical appearances can definitely give a clue to underlying emotional issues, however I have always stressed to my kids that they should look further than skin deep before judging a person or making a choice to accept their friendship. I almost missed meeting the "man of my dreams" because he was too short and skinny. I was very guilty of prejudice, just for the opposite reason.

The exception to the rule seems to be Black men. I have a lot of Black friends and I went to a wedding recently between a mid-40's, 5'9”, 150 pound man and a late 30's 5'6”, 400 pound women. All sizes are guesstimates. I know the man for many years and he has previously dated women in the same weight class.

When I was working and we had union picnics, a lot of the white guys were meeting in clusters the next day at work to discuss the sizes of the dates and wives of many of our Black coworkers. “Did you see the size of the elephant that Jones brought to the picnic?” Or, “did the see the whale that Barny is married to?” The Black guys if they were ashamed could have skipped the picnic, but they were not. Many of these Black men were young and the women were fat when they were married. Many of the Black men I worked with would bring in family pictures to show the other guys. They habitually contained photos of normal to slim men with huge women. Even if the coworker's wife was slim, his brother or friends in the pictures would invariably be with huge women. White guys would never bring in pictures like that. :grouphug:

I have to totally agree with you there T.O.M. The black dudes do seem to like some extra meat on their women, not to mention fat. That's so weird...like a cultural thing...I wonder where it comes from?

My husband says that this is the sad truth, that in general men judge men by their companions. An unattractive man with a gorgeous woman must have something somewhere else going for him and an attractive man with a not so attractive woman is regarded with slight suspicion, that he must have something wrong somewhere, somehow.

And it is true vice versa. Women also like to see men and women of like attractiveness yoked up. We all like to see a couple evenly matched when it comes to the beauty department and a disparity is always unsettling to the casual onlooker. This sense of wrongness disappears, of course, when you come to know the couple. The superficial impact of looks always disappears when you come to know the people inside the packages. This is just how it works.

My own mate is 9 years younger than myself and while I had been a fairly good looking woman in my day, age and weight gain have certainly damaged my allure. *Please insert irony here, by the way.* As for my mate, well, the body gods have been very kind to him. This has resulted in some occasions where my feelings could have been hurt if I was less comfortable in our relationship. We have, you should know, been together for twenty years. I am also aware that I would have made the same judgement calls had I been on the outside looking in. This is something that we are prone to do is all.

I have to totally agree with you there T.O.M. The black dudes do seem to like some extra meat on their women, not to mention fat. That's so weird...like a cultural thing...I wonder where it comes from?

I think it because they are raised with more of a respect for the beauty of a bigger girl. I think their moms do a great job of teaching them that!

Or it could be just a hangover from when the Renissance era. Then if you were overweight it was known you were a noble or had money. Fat then meant you had enough money to eat whatever you wanted!

I don't find it weird that some black men can appreciate a big, or even fat, woman. But I do think it is cultural. I think whites put the premium on skinny women more than other races. Frankly I think it is more "weird" to be attracted to women who are the size of children.(smile)

I'm trying for 142 lbs which sounds pretty small to me, but people assure me that it is a "normal" size!

Well:nervous ... I am male and 22 yrs old pretty much anything turns me on :thankyou:

That being said, I am not attracted to MO women but however large women, curvy women, etc...it depends upon face and initial personality.

I met my husband when he was about 220lbs @ 5ft 8. He's not particularly tall and not average weight, he's a big guy, now he's 235lbs and I'm soo attracted to him anyway. He's considered morbidly obese but I don't care. Don't see it really.