chameleon

I just heard back that Medical Mutual is requesting proof of additional Weight loss attempts. My PCP ent a letter listing the different drugs that have been precribed over the years...Redux, Xenical, Meridia...I also Included a letter listing every diet plan I have ever been on...probably close to 30 (see my journal). The only supervised weight loss plan I was ever on has been weight watchers, 4 or 5 different times over the past 20 years. I know the approximate dates and I listed them, but I have no other proof because WW says they only keep records for 4 months after you stop going. And I threw away all my old stuff, and I only keep bank records for three years, so I can't eevn find a check or charge for them. I don't know how it is true that WW only keeps records for 4 months, because they send coupons for me to come back all the time! But they lady from the WW headquarters told me that and said that a lot of bariatric pts call requesting the same thing...Anyway...I don't know what the heck kind of proof I can give them???!!! I have about 15 weight loss books that I have bought over the years...Hilton Head Diet, Atkins, South Beach, Dr Phil, Oprah, Susan Powter, and many more. Shall I send them??lol. I might be able to track down a receipt or go and get one from my last hypnosis attempt from last April, but the last time I went to WW was in 2001-2002, and I can't get proof for the life of me. HELP...does anyone have any idea of what I should do? I am waiting to hear from Cleveland Clinic about what their next step is....I really really don't want this to go into the appeals process....I have been waiting long enough!:help:

Well it's been 17 days since my stuff was mailed into insurance and I haven't heard anything yet. I'm counting weekends...so I guess they actually received it on monday July 31st...two weeks ago yesterday. I want to call them and find out the status of it but I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize this either, because there is no way in hell that I could ever self pay and I want this so badly. My husband, who is so absolutely wonderful and loving said last night "hon...I worry about you if they end up denying it...are you gonna be ok?" I really hadn't considered this as a real possibility before, since I meet and exceed every requirement they need. But in the back of my mind is always the cancer history and them really thinking that I'm not a good long term risk to invest their money in. I wonder if they can do that for real? I mean I know it's all about money for the insurance companies, like the risk to benefit ratio is not the same thought process for them as a company as it is for me as a patient. They are thinking would it save us money in the long run to provide this care for this person or are the odds against this person living long enough to justify spending this money for this surgery that would normally be worth it since it would prevent us from having to pay for diabetes, heart failure, joint replacement, and any other obesity related malady. But in this case, the odds are against the patient living long enough to cost us the money to pay for those things and this procedure is not gonna reduce the risk of cancer reoccurring so why do it? This is the kind of crazy shit that goes through my head. Cynical, Skeptical, Untrusting, Paranoid, YES I am all of these things when it comes to insurance....why? Because I've been there, done it all. It's not that I expect to die from cancer any time soon but, I am kinda scared about it, since my luck hasn't been very good in life and after the metastisis to my lung in Feb of 05 they gave me a 70% chance of surviving 5 years. That is scarry shit man! I mean, does that mean that the odds get worse for say a ten year survival rate? Like, does that mean I have a 35% chance of living for ten years or something? I mean, I'm friggin 42 years old! I don't know....I just get scared sometimes. Not very often, only if I really think about stuff. Usually I am my "normal" self and I use the word normal loosely, believe me! Ok I am done for now gotta go to work. peace out.....:hippie:

I have a number of "most embarrassing moments" They all were turning points at the time, of some sort. A few of the "highlights": When I was a mere 180 lbs. and went to get on one of those swing rides that go around in the air at a local festival with my best friend. I got in the swing and had myself all locked in and the little carny kid who ran the ride had to come over and tell me I couldn't ride cuz I was too heavy! UGGGHHH To my best friends credit, she got outta her swing too and walked away quickly with me. :scared: When I got divorced and was going through some terrible self loathing I actually hooked up with a horrible abusive musician guy that I had dated for two years when I was in my senior year in High school and starting college. We were laying on his couch in his looser apartment one morning and he actually was singing "Why am I sleeping with a cow"...I just got up with as much dignity as I could muster and put on my jacket and walked out the door. :faint: My one and only attempt at internet dating was when I arranged to meet a guy that I had been talking too for quite awhile online and we really seemed to hit it off. We decided to meet at a local watering hole and I told him what I would be wearing so he would know me when he saw me. (this was about 8 years ago, before the advent of the digital camera and stuff so most people still did not have their pics all over the place like they do now). He knew from chatting with me that I was "chubby". I was about 210 and a size 18 at the time. Well I went into the bar and ordered a drink and tried to ize up the people in there to see if he was there yet, I heard a few guys laughing at the end of the bar and they all seemed to be sneaking glances at me. They all got up at the same time and left. I stayed for another half hour and never saw a guy come in who fit the description. I left and went home in shame....little did I know of theshame that awaited me online! The guy emailed me and told me that he and his budddies went in to check me out together and that I was crazy to think that anyone would want a fat ass like me.....OUCH. Anyway, any one of these should have been a huge turning point for my weight loss efforts, but, if anything they made me worse. I think back on them now and I still feel the sting, but I am also much stronger now and I know the band will help me too.

I was just missing you all and thought i would post just to say im still alive. I started chemo a couple of months ago. I have just finised the second round and today i feel pretty good...actually almost normal with the help of some friendly pain meds. Most of my hair has fallen out again, but I just can't stand to wear a wig so I go around wth a do rag on my head. Actually I am developing quite the collection of do rags with the help of my friend Judy who has been creative enough to make me a bunch of them with sparkly sequins and all! Anyhow, I was just thinkin, maybe I shouldn't totally give up on the band yet. Maybe after Im done with chemo I will think about it again. No need to die fat huh?? ttyl Love, :kiss2:me

I was just missing you all and thought i would post just to say im still alive. I started chemo a couple of months ago. I have just finised the second round and today i feel pretty good...actually almost normal with the help of some friendly pain meds. Most of my hair has fallen out again, but I just can't stand to wear a wig so I go around wth a do rag on my head. Actually I am developing quite the collection of do rags with the help of my friend Judy who has been creative enough to make me a bunch of them with sparkly sequins and all! Anyhow, I was just thinkin, maybe I shouldn't totally give up on the band yet. Maybe after Im done with chemo I will think about it again. No need to die fat huh?? ttyl Love, :kiss2:me

Well, I haven't been on here for awhile. Just as I was about to get insurance approval I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in my hip bone on Jan 23rd after about 2 months of unexplained pain. Yeah...sucks, but it has really made me realize something. All my life I have worried about being fat. Now I worry about living long enough to see my son graduate from High School. I could care less about this extra 120 pounds that I have on me. It used to be 145 but I have lost 22 pounds in the last 8 weeks due to pain meds that make me sick to my stomach so that everything except ginger ale and soda crackers come right back up. I started radiation 2 weeks ago and have had 10 treatments so far. It has shrunk the tumor that had grown through my pelvic bone and was preventing me from walking without extreme pain. I can now walk almost without pain, but only for short periods of time. I don't want to go on abou this, just wanted to let some of you who read my journal whats going on. I Love you all and good luck in your quest. I know that God will do what he thinks is best for all of us.

Yep, very very bad news. The pain is not arthritus or a herniated disk, it's bone cancer. I started radiation 2 weeks ago and I will start chemo on April 12. The prognosis sucks..2-3 years maybe up to 5 if I'm lucky. I pray for 5 as long as I'm not in excrutiating pain. I need to see my 15 year old son graduate High School. I need so much more than this..... I'm sorry to be writing about this on here, but I am so sad and I try not to cry too much at home because I don't want my kids to remember me like that. My family is very supportive but its just hard to get a death sentence. I wanted you all to know that I love you and I appreciate all of the wonderful help and support you have always given me. I'm gonna ask for one more thing though. Please put me on your prayer chains. I believe in the power of prayer and the power of love and of human compassion and I know that if a miracle could happen that your prayers might bring one on. Here's my info: Donna Cartwright 11696 New Buffalo Road North Lima, OH 44452 Love, Donna:help:

Yep, very very bad news. The pain is not arthritus or a herniated disk, it's bone cancer. I started radiation 2 weeks ago and I will start chemo on April 12. The prognosis sucks..2-3 years maybe up to 5 if I'm lucky. I pray for 5 as long as I'm not in excrutiating pain. I need to see my 15 year old son graduate High School. I need so much more than this..... I'm sorry to be writing about this on here, but I am so sad and I try not to cry too much at home because I don't want my kids to remember me like that. My family is very supportive but its just hard to get a death sentence. I wanted you all to know that I love you and I appreciate all of the wonderful help and support you have always given me. I'm gonna ask for one more thing though. Please put me on your prayer chains. I believe in the power of prayer and the power of love and of human compassion and I know that if a miracle could happen that your prayers might bring one on. Here's my info: Donna Cartwright 11696 New Buffalo Road North Lima, OH 44452 Love, Donna:help:

I am still in terrible pain with what they are calling arthritus in my hip. I am unable to sleep without taking pain pills, vicodin to be exact and the Dr's are so afraid of getting in trouble for perscribing htem that they don't want to write a prescription for me. I don't know what to do about this though! I just took the last one which I have been metering them out and trying very hard to make them last at least so that I have something available to take some of the edge off this pain so I can fall asleep for awhile at night. The pain doesn't seem so bad in the morning and in the early afternoon, but as the day gets later I get more and more miserable...and mean. Chronic pain makes a person mean and crazy I think. I am not this person! Ifeel so helpless and the Dr's just say Oh we'll see how you are in a couple of weeks and then I have to discreetly beg for medicine and they finally relent and five me a perscription for like 12 or something. 12 will last me 4 days, I know I sound like a crack whore but I am not! I do not like to have to take these but I also have to sleep and I have to go to work and I have to function! There is no position that I have found that gives me any reief...none so there is nothing that I can even do. Sometimes I am afraid because I get so crazy with pain that I will get up at 1,2 3,4,5 in the morning and just wander the house looking for anything, something that might help. I take ibuprofen by the gross, drink some vodka, take a couple of otc sleeping pills, drink Nyquil, anything to help me fall asleep and not feel pain for a couple of hours. I was watching HOUSE MD the other night and I thought..."really what the hell does a person do when they are in chronic pain like that???" I mean I completely love and empathise with his character! I cry in bed every night that I don't have any pain meds, I don't cry myself to sleep, I just lay there and cry. I do sleep for 2 or 3 hours a night just out of exhaustion but otherwise I pace the house and cry. I am sooo tired and sooo frustrated and I don't know what to do.

I finally got my MRI done on Thursday. No results back yet but at least the Orthopaedic Surgeon gave me a perscription for darvicet which has helped. I have not heard back about whether or not Cleveland Clinis is ready to resubmit to the insurance company or not and they seem to be too busy to call me back....well I won't give up. I am in better spirits today and I am still very hopeful Thanks to all my buds out there!

I finally got my MRI done on Thursday. No results back yet but at least the Orthopaedic Surgeon gave me a perscription for darvicet which has helped. I have not heard back about whether or not Cleveland Clinis is ready to resubmit to the insurance company or not and they seem to be too busy to call me back....well I won't give up. I am in better spirits today and I am still very hopeful Thanks to all my buds out there!

I am still in terrible pain with what they are calling arthritus in my hip. I am unable to sleep without taking pain pills, vicodin to be exact and the Dr's are so afraid of getting in trouble for perscribing htem that they don't want to write a prescription for me. I don't know what to do about this though! I just took the last one which I have been metering them out and trying very hard to make them last at least so that I have something available to take some of the edge off this pain so I can fall asleep for awhile at night. The pain doesn't seem so bad in the morning and in the early afternoon, but as the day gets later I get more and more miserable...and mean. Chronic pain makes a person mean and crazy I think. I am not this person! Ifeel so helpless and the Dr's just say Oh we'll see how you are in a couple of weeks and then I have to discreetly beg for medicine and they finally relent and five me a perscription for like 12 or something. 12 will last me 4 days, I know I sound like a crack whore but I am not! I do not like to have to take these but I also have to sleep and I have to go to work and I have to function! There is no position that I have found that gives me any reief...none so there is nothing that I can even do. Sometimes I am afraid because I get so crazy with pain that I will get up at 1,2 3,4,5 in the morning and just wander the house looking for anything, something that might help. I take ibuprofen by the gross, drink some vodka, take a couple of otc sleeping pills, drink Nyquil, anything to help me fall asleep and not feel pain for a couple of hours. I was watching HOUSE MD the other night and I thought..."really what the hell does a person do when they are in chronic pain like that???" I mean I completely love and empathise with his character! I cry in bed every night that I don't have any pain meds, I don't cry myself to sleep, I just lay there and cry. I do sleep for 2 or 3 hours a night just out of exhaustion but otherwise I pace the house and cry. I am sooo tired and sooo frustrated and I don't know what to do.:scared:

Ok, well I am bored so I thought I would write about my stupid ass hip and leg dilemma. In the beginning of October my herniated disk started to bother me again...it hasn't for like 5 years...so then it went into sciatica in my right leg and then my right hip started hurting with pain radiating down my leg. I have been seeing a chiropractor and my Doc for three months for this now, I have had an xray which shows the same thing as 5 years ago, degnerative disk aka arthritus in my lower lumbar region..nothing new...but this hip/leg pain is now excrutiating and constant. I will be seeing an orthopedic surgeon next week to see what he thinks but I am ready to saw my leg off right now! I told ya I was bored...why am I writing about this??? bye bye

Ok, well I am bored so I thought I would write about my stupid ass hip and leg dilemma. In the beginning of October my herniated disk started to bother me again...it hasn't for like 5 years...so then it went into sciatica in my right leg and then my right hip started hurting with pain radiating down my leg. I have been seeing a chiropractor and my Doc for three months for this now, I have had an xray which shows the same thing as 5 years ago, degnerative disk aka arthritus in my lower lumbar region..nothing new...but this hip/leg pain is now excrutiating and constant. I will be seeing an orthopedic surgeon next week to see what he thinks but I am ready to saw my leg off right now! I told ya I was bored...why am I writing about this??? bye bye

Well it's 2007 and I am still not banded. I have my last meetintg with the Dr. on Jan 8, prior to them re-submitting my stuff to insurance. I am really hoping and praying for a Feb. surgery date....keep your fingers crossed! Other stuff...I am battling a horrible cold/flu this week and spent New Years Eve in bed sick and today, New Years day I fell a little better, but still achy and fevery and stuffy...yuck. Anyhow, I think my daughter is moving back home for awhile to get her head on straight and hopefully to make college her priority rather than bf's which, as we all know, tend to complicate college and life in general sometimes. I am afraid she i just like me in that she feels that she can't be alone so she is always in some convoluted relationship or just breaking out of one as she is now. She is a beautiful intelligent girl too...she just needs to get a little confidence in herself and also to recognize more value in herself than she has in the past. When I say she is beautiful, I don't just say that as her mom but also objectively she really is a beauty. She could literally have any guy she wants but she always seems to get sucked in by loosers...Guys with no future, no ambition, selfish little weinees all of them. I don't know what to say or do except to try to help her identify patterns of behavior that put her at risk of picking up a loooooser. Oh well enough of that for now. GTG

Well it's 2007 and I am still not banded. I have my last meetintg with the Dr. on Jan 8, prior to them re-submitting my stuff to insurance. I am really hoping and praying for a Feb. surgery date....keep your fingers crossed! Other stuff...I am battling a horrible cold/flu this week and spent New Years Eve in bed sick and today, New Years day I fell a little better, but still achy and fevery and stuffy...yuck. Anyhow, I think my daughter is moving back home for awhile to get her head on straight and hopefully to make college her priority rather than bf's which, as we all know, tend to complicate college and life in general sometimes. I am afraid she i just like me in that she feels that she can't be alone so she is always in some convoluted relationship or just breaking out of one as she is now. She is a beautiful intelligent girl too...she just needs to get a little confidence in herself and also to recognize more value in herself than she has in the past. When I say she is beautiful, I don't just say that as her mom but also objectively she really is a beauty. She could literally have any guy she wants but she always seems to get sucked in by loosers...Guys with no future, no ambition, selfish little weinees all of them. I don't know what to say or do except to try to help her identify patterns of behavior that put her at risk of picking up a loooooser. Oh well enough of that for now. GTG

I'm just thinking that if not having chocolate in the house causes someone to panic then there is a whole lot going on beyond a craving. The choices that you make as a mother for your family, what you buy from the grocery store will dictate 95% of what your family ends up eating. Obviously, you will not be making food choices for them all the time, but if you can get them turned around to healthy substitutions for unhealthy foods, they will begin to make the "right" choices on their own time as well. So many people have this love of food that goes way beyond anything healthy, and thats why we are obese, and why at least one of our children are or will be obese and our spouse probably has some junk food related problem, if not obesity, then hypertension, or high cholesterol, or high triglycerides, etc. You are NOT depriving anyone by removing junk food and simple carbs, you are SAVING them. Remember to substitute a healthy snack for each cheeto, chip, and bon bon that you toss. They might bitch and moan for a few days but they will get used to it and the new foods will become normal. Do we really need to know there is a bag of snack size snicker bars in the cupboard that we "accidentally" bought too many of at Halloween?? AND....do you ever just eat one? Even one a day?? No...I didn't think so. If not having snack foods causes you to panic its time to seek psychiatric advice. Good Luck to your sweet girl and remember you're the mom and no one has ever killed themselves over the lack of a candy bar.

green...it's never supposed to be "fun" but it really is a great test because early detection of colon cancer results in a very very good long term prognosis. People don't have to die from colon cancer, it is one of the more "treatable" cancers out there as long as people use the tools for early detection. Actually in most cases people don't mind the procedure at all! Diladid is a wonderful drug and I just thank God it's not available on teh market as a recreational drug!! ahaha...Don't put off your scope anyone...It would really suck to wind up with a late stage colon cancer just because you're a little apprehensive or uncomfortable! We should never discourage others from getting this test!!

I agree with bevers...do all you can to help her to feel valueable and normal. Society treats fat women and girls very badly and it is very important to look your very best, well dressed, nails done, hair done well highlighted, a little make up, cute under clothes, every little thing to make her feel pretty and as proud of her physical self as possible. Also clothes are important. Torrid, Fashion Bug, and a lot of other stores cater to trendy cute clothes for her age. You may have to have some altered for her but its worth it. She needs to be enrolled in a daily workout program at a gym. The Y would be best if you have a nice one nearby. Get her a personal trainer if you can afford it or you be one. No matter how much she cries and whines you must force her to do it...do it with her, make it fun, make it your time to bond. Reward weight loss or even every 10 consecutive days of working out with a non food treat like a movie or a horseback ride or anything but food that would inspire her to continue. Get rid of all junk food...ALL of it. You are doing everyone in the house a huge favor any way. Get rid of all simple carbohydrates too. Whole grains only. I could go on and on with stuff you already know but the bottom line is discipline and consistency. Good Luck!

I decided to see if there is any interest in having an online thrift shoppe...I am posting a few of my favorites here and I wonder if anyone else has this problem with a shrinking body and a shrinking wardrobe to go with it. While no one wants to spend big money on clothes while loosing lots of weight we still have to have clothes that fit! And I know that we have tons of clothes to get rid of!!!...Let me see if I can do this... By the way if anyone sees something they like email me your address and I will figure out shipping and let you know the price.....super reasonable too...we could do this like the before and after thread???!!! I suppose I will have to give some thought to how we charge stuff...do they still have anything like COD?....here ya go..just a few things:

I quit smoking when my dad was dying of lung cancer. He was a very healthy young active 66 year old still working, still swimming in the Ocean, traveling, hunting, riding 4 wheelers etc. He was diagnosed in August of 2004 and He died on Jan 21 of 2005. I lost my best friend and my family lost the glue that held us together. I was 41 years old and 1 month to the day of his death I was diagnosed with lung cancer (a metastisis of my breast cancer that I had 4 years prior...which amazingly the surgeon told me at the time of my lumpectomy that that cancer had nothing whatsoever to do with my smoking....that gave me a license to keep smoking!) I had been a smoker for about 20 years all together and I had only quit 8 weeks before I was diagnosed. I have never even thought of smoking again. Losing my dad to cigarettes was the biggest waste of a wonderful life and I knew that I could never endure having to leave my kids over a selfish habit...I have never looked back. I am healthy, and cancer free right now as far as I know and I pray every day for another day with my family.

everyone is different and the insurance companies are getting tougher and tougher because they are getting hit with so many of these now that everyone knows about them. My insurance co is supposed to be one of the toughest. Medical Mutual...I have been persuing this since last Feb 06! And I meet and exceed all the criteria. They added the 6 month MEDICALLY documented weight loss attempt last May. Unfortunately, my hospital didn't inform me of this until September so I had to start seeing a dietician in Sept. and I wont be finished with this last requirement until Jan 3 (my prelim visit to the dietician in Mar 06 counted toward the 6) Anyway, supposedly thats the last step I need to finish in order for the ins co. to clear me for surgery....but if they decide to add some crazy requirement between now and then they could and I'll be screwed again! Thats just the way it works with this co. unfortunately! I am hoping for a Feb surgery date.

oh dear bk...please doon't give up!!! You sound so despondent. What if you talk to the Dr. about a bypass. I don't know if thats the answer but maybe it would work since it is malabsorptive as well as restrictive and if you can't control your intake at least you won't get all of the calories. I do agree that the sweets addiction has got to be a psychological thing and that you should continue counseling by definately find a therapist who is understanding and who you are comfortable with. You may not like what they have to say but they ought to be saying it with respect to you as a patient. Good luck and God Bless YOU. Donna

Maybe people would be intersted in more casual stuff like jeans and stuff...I just have a lot of both. I am actually interested in buying more than I am selling even. I would love to find some cute stuff. I am in about a 22 right now. Anybody got anything good they have shrunk out of????

Ok, I have to write about the events of last night. I have been having pain with my back lately. I have a herniated disk and sciatica that kinda comes and goes, well right now I think it has moved in for an extended visit. Anyhow, it hurts like a beeeatch so I finally had to break down last night and go get my vicodan prescription filled. I went to wallgreens cuz it was like 9:30 when I realized that I would never be able to sleep without a pain pill and wallgreens is open 24 hours. So I pull in in my husbands big quad cab 4X4 Dodge ram truck which is hard pressed to fit perfectly in a conventional parking place, but it does, it just takes some doing. anyhow I was a little crooked but the truck tires were all inside the lines so I got out of the truck to go inside and some guy in his middle to late 50's with balding hair and a mean looking face is walking out to his car which is parked next to the truck but still has about 3 1/2 feet of clearance. So anyway this f-er says "what the F is wrong with you ya fat bitch don't you know how to park that thing? You would think that you'de have practice what with you havin to maneuvere your fat ass around all the time. How the F am I gonna get my car out?..." I turned aroud and look at his car and there was plenty...and I do mean plenty of room there and I go " Ummmm I think you can get out just fine and if you can't you don't need to be driving" Then He goes "shut the F up you fat F get your fat ass over here and move your F ing truck." I just kept walking into the store and he goes "You better hope your truck is in the same shape you left it in when you get back" and when I was going throught the door he goes "lets see if you can fit your F ing fat as throught that door ya fat C---" I got inside and I was so shook up that it took me 2 minutes to think that I better go out there and get his license number and make sure he wasn't vandalizing my truck. I picked up a pen and went out with my date book open and there he was parked behind my truck and just stepping out of his car. As soon as he saw me he got back in and with the window down he was yelling "What the fuck is your problem ya fat bitch did ya think I was gonna do somethin to your F ing truck...well you better be scared ya fat C---" After I went and looked at the side of the truck I went to the back of his car and wrote down the plate number. He was like "Your a F ing cow ya know that? Do ya think that scares me ya fat ass bitch? Finally as I walked by I turned around about three feet from his face and flipped him off. He goes Ya know what bitch that's the kinda shit that gets fat bitches killed" and I just kept on walking into the store. Once I was inside he drove off and I called the police. They came out and just told me there was nothing they could do about it because he didn't outright threaten me. The police woman who showed up was kinda laughing about it and saying theres really nothing we can do about someone yelling obscenities at you unless we actually hear him, then we could charge him with disorderly conduct. As far as the threats she said he would have to say "I am going to vandalize your truck" or "I am going to kill you" in order for it to be taken as a threat. I was so angry and in shock about all of it that I just left after giving my useless information and the useless License number to the store manager who at least pretended to be sincerely concerned about it and she didn't laugh about it like the female police officer had. The police woman was not even interested in taking down his license plate number! I was so appalled by this and I thought God I am so naieve to have been taken by surprise like that ...I mean when I was younger, in early 30's and I looked about 23 or 24 because fat girls always look youger just because we look like babies with our moon faces...anyway I expected youger men to treat me badly because it had happened a number of times and I wasn't even that big then...like a size 16 or so. What I'm saying is that as a 42 year old mother of 2 almost grown children and as a professional I just don't encounter these kind of men in my daily life ever and I was totally bowled over by the unprovoked evil and hatred this man showed. I am still reeling from it right now! It really shook my already shaky self image and I am now trying to regain my composure and my pride.