Marriage After Being Sleeved.....

[MrzSongbird 53]

So I've heard the divorce rate for WLS patients is kinda high and it had me thinking. My weight became an issue in my marriage for a while and I didn't care. After years of soul searching and added co morbidities I get the big picture now......my husband lately, since I am getting closer to getting a surgery date, keeps making these random comments about me changing afterwards. Now, mind you he's been on my butt about changing my lifestyle and getting healthier, he's a health freak. He also says things like "if you'd do what I tell you as it pertains to my workout I could have you 100lbs lighter by Christmas. He is an ex marine and a police officer, so he's been running and working out most of his life, I can't endure his treacherous workout. After saying all that I know he wants me to lose the weight but I am confused by his comments. Not rooting my own horn but when I was smaller 10yrs ago when I met him I had to beat men off with a stick and he saw that, I'm wondering if that's it. Hmmm I don't know but, I gotta do me......

[iegal 460]

He is scared. You will change - accept that. So, now sounds like hubby wants reassurance from you. Know you are hot now (hot is not a size) but will be hotter after VSG.

I thought I would lose mine speical love after surgery. He didn't find out about my serious change until I went into consult. I was willing to lose him to get me healthy.

Agree - you gotta do you.

[NenaLinda 20]

Stick with it. He will either be there for the finished product or not. If he loves u, he will support u in your choice. My husband is the same as urs and works out daily although he is not jealous, he never was even in my smaller stages, so divorce is not happening here just sum more sexy time, comfortably! Lol

[chitowngirl 884]

Men are different, especially one so fit and who is a health freak, he really doesn't understand where your coming from. I would suggest engaging in moderate exercise together, biking, walking swimming. My husband was never into exercise, but we have started bike riding. We have made our little bikin trips into all day events. My suggestion is to incorporate your husband into as much as of your new life style as possible. Most men need to feel needed/wanted.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

I can't endure his treacherous workout.

I really have to say, yes you can, the mind will tell you that you can't long before you're body gives up.

But here is where the problem lies & what he doesn't understand. Weight loss is really only about 1/4 exercise & 3/4 how you feed your body. You can work your tail off, but if your pounding 6-7000 calories a day you still won't lose.

Being a food addict (most of us are) means that after a workout the first thig on our mind after a big workout is, how hungry we are. Then we proceed to consume enough calories to replace all those we just burnt

I would tell your husband that you don't just want to lose weight, you'd really like to give him back that hottie he remembers (he'll like the sound of this) explain to him that you need this tool to help you change your eating habits, & you will also need him to help you get fit & strong. This is gonna be a hard path, & the last thing you needs years of bad eating habits & weakness to food standing in the way & slowing your progress.

[Wheetsin 714]

It's hard to know what to say without having any idea what comments he's making. The only comment you mention is about the workouts, and I don't see anything there that would be confusing. What kind of comments is he making, and how are they confusing you relative to knowing he wants you to lose weight? I think that's a missing piece of the puzze.

So I've heard the divorce rate for WLS patients is kinda high and it had me thinking. My weight became an issue in my marriage for a while and I didn't care. After years of soul searching and added co morbidities I get the big picture now......my husband lately, since I am getting closer to getting a surgery date, keeps making these random comments about me changing afterwards. Now, mind you he's been on my butt about changing my lifestyle and getting healthier, he's a health freak. He also says things like "if you'd do what I tell you as it pertains to my workout I could have you 100lbs lighter by Christmas. He is an ex marine and a police officer, so he's been running and working out most of his life, I can't endure his treacherous workout. After saying all that I know he wants me to lose the weight but I am confused by his comments. Not rooting my own horn but when I was smaller 10yrs ago when I met him I had to beat men off with a stick and he saw that, I'm wondering if that's it. Hmmm I don't know but, I gotta do me......

[MrzSongbird 53]

Chitown that's a great idea, I like the sound of it.

O.t.r, you hit one of the nails on the head right on. He does feel like I could eat pretty much what I want as long as I work out vigorously and consistently. He really doesn't understand food addiction. I told him its 60% what I put in my body as well. Now I am learning to overcome my mental blocks regarding the of working out, the other day I ran 1 mile with minimal stops. He says once I can jog that mile without stopping it'll begin to melt off.

[MrzSongbird 53]

Wheetsin

I listed the most frequent comment he makes which is "you are gonna change" referring to me wanting another man. Let me tell you my husband is an extremely macho man who shows very little to no emotion. I have had some major insecurity and trust issues in my marriage, stemming from weight gain (approx. 100 lbs over the last 10 yrs). I have experienced my weight affecting our intimacy, not to mention we have four small kids which is a whole other battle in itself. Along with our intimacy being affected I have felt at times his attention has been elsewhere, you know how women have that gut feeling but no proof but you know deep down in your heart of hearts....

I am deciding to take back over the reigns of my life, health and marriage. I felt like big or small he was supposed to be ok with it, but now I know that's selfish. What's the saying, "the same things you did to get em' you gotta do to keep em'. So I guess I did leave some essentials out.

[Wheetsin 714]

I read "random comments about me changing afterwards" but to me it sounded like it was referring to changing your body/lifestyle/weight/appearance. Not "changing" as in something that was going to be a distressor to the relationship.

I've been through some of this. I weighed almost 400 lbs when I had my lapband surgery. I was about 185 when I met DH. After gaining 215 lbs there's just no way that I was the same person he married. Physically - I wasn't me anymore. Mentally - I was no longer truly happy, confident, sure of myself, etc. Emotionally - I blocked too much out because I just wasn't willing to deal with it. Everyone says things like, "But you're still the same person he married" when actually - no - I wasn't. Physical attraction is still a requirement in a marriage, even if it becomes a little tiny requirement. And physically I was nothing close to what my husband considers attractive. This impacted our relationship, too. This was all about 8 years ago but it's something I still discuss with him and still send out "feelers" about.

Exercising togeter is a great idea. Especially if you can find a way to bring your kids into it - family bike rides, family gym membership, swimming, etc. Help him understand that you need to increase your stamina, not jump into the fire.

Have you tried having a frank conversation with him about his perspective of the relationship, and about his worries/concerns/fears specific to you losing weight? I'm a "talker" in a relationship. I don't like things to go unsaid. I like to have checkpoints & just make sure things are still as I assume they are. So I'm not trying to imply you guys don't communicate at all... just that a conversation for the sole purpose of seeing if you can get him to open up might help.

Wheetsin

I listed the most frequent comment he makes which is "you are gonna change" referring to me wanting another man. Let me tell you my husband is an extremely macho man who shows very little to no emotion. I have had some major insecurity and trust issues in my marriage, stemming from weight gain (approx. 100 lbs over the last 10 yrs). I have experienced my weight affecting our intimacy, not to mention we have four small kids which is a whole other battle in itself. Along with our intimacy being affected I have felt at times his attention has been elsewhere, you know how women have that gut feeling but no proof but you know deep down in your heart of hearts....

I am deciding to take back over the reigns of my life, health and marriage. I felt like big or small he was supposed to be ok with it, but now I know that's selfish. What's the saying, "the same things you did to get em' you gotta do to keep em'. So I guess I did leave some essentials out.

[MrzSongbird 53]

I have become the communicator encouraging him to be totally honest about his feelings because they matter to me. I dare not only address my issues because both of us need to be considered. We actually had a completely exhilarating conversation about our marriage recently, because things were getting critical. We both adressed our concerns and talked about steps to healing our marriage. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

[italianlady13 80]

Maybe he's scared about the surgery itself....sounds like he wants you to try it the good old fashioned way, but doesn't understand how difficult it is for you. Men have a different conception as to what and how we lose weight and just how difficult it is....my husband (and yes we are divorced now) told me he didn't want me to have the surgery because he was afraid of complications he suggested I "just follow the diet you follow post surgery" AS IF that would be possible without feeling like you are starving to death with all they ghrelin running around my stomach.....anyway good luck:) Do the surgery (don't worry about the divorce rates) my divorce was not because of my surgery, it was because my husband was a tool:)

[SweetTee 448]

I totally agree with Wheetsin. My husband is so much of an advocate in exercise and he works out with the endurance of a jackrabbit! I would try bike riding, jogging, or whatever with him but just as she says afterwards I find myself eating like crazy defeating the purpose. He can consume truckloads of food and never gain a pound. We have been together for twenty years so he knew me at 115lbs and slowly I've skyrocketed to a whopping 232 lbs on this 5"1 frame. Although he says he loves me, I know this is not the kind of woman he's attracted to. He has also made comments about me going down this road. Sometimes I think he thinks a change in me is for attraction of attention elsewhere. It's so strange that he thinks that, but I can tell by his comments that he does. The truth is I want my active life back. I want to be able to keep up with him and not to mention our 4 kids. Being overweight impacts your intimacy, endurance, and overall perception of self. I don't think they really understand. It's not just about us, it's a choice for our entire family.

[MrzSongbird 53]

Well said Sweet Tee, this change is for my family as well I have four active little children that inherited their fathers athleticism. I want him to understand I'm not doing this for attention from anyone else but him but most importantly for my health, confidence, and to be a partner to the best of my ability.

[SweetTee 448]

Well put MrzSongBird!

[BKMama 179]

Hearing that the divorce rate for WLS patients is definitely sobering. Wheetsin hit the nail on the head though, you ARE going to change. Whether we admit it or not, having weight issues over a long period of time changes you. Even the most confident woman will have those thoughts in the back of her head. You wouldn't be going down this route otherwise, you know? For most of us, getting the weight off will result in happy changes but unfortunately people adapt to and get comfortable to what they know.

Well said Sweet Tee, this change is for my family as well I have four active little children that inherited their fathers athleticism. I want him to understand I'm not doing this for attention from anyone else but him but most importantly for my health, confidence, and to be a partner to the best of my ability.

This is big. Have you told him exactly that? For it to finally click for my husband (who wasn't entirely supportive of me having the surgery at first) I said "I want to look in the mirror and see the pretty/sexy/beautiful person you claim I am". I swear, a lightbulb could have appeared over his head. LOL I know that I have some internal stuff to work on to help me get to that point to, but like you, he is part of the reason I want to get healthy by any means necessary. I want to grow old with him.

Good luck!!!