I know for a fact that I spent 10 years struggling with a full-blown eating disorder. It took on a lot of different forms: super restrictive dieting in high school, followed by long stretches of all-out binging in college, then coupled with periods of bulimia and laxative abuse while desperately trying not to gain so much weight from the binges. I started dieting in middle school and would go to eat alone at lunchtime with my salad so as not to be tempted by the junk food in the cafeteria. At 15, I did Herbalife and started kickboxing and lost 50 pounds. Kept it off for about 9 months and then PACKED it back on with carbs and ice cream. It was like a nightmare, putting that weight back on as a teenager, having to go to high school and feel fat…when I wasn’t making rounds to all the different vending machines on campus (don’t want to load up too much at any one on it’s own) I was sitting in the bathroom with a journal, making lists of reasons why my next diet was going to work and why I wanted to lose weight. I just didn’t think of anything else but food. When I went to college, it was a disaster. I had no supervision and a car…no need for much detail, but I started staying up all night eating, and missing classes. All I thought about was eating. My life was a mess and I felt beyond help. I attempted to see a counselors a few times and twice was put on a mild antidepressant, but nothing truly worked.

It makes me sad to recount this and think of all the years that went by wasted on food. Every time I think I’ve covered it, I remember another “phase” and each is more depressing than the last. Sometimes I feel bitter that no one rescued me from it. I get angry thinking if I had had the opposite problem – if I’d been anorexic and 50 pounds underweight instead of 100 pounds overweight – someone would have stepped in, because a person who starves themselves has issues and needs help. But because I was a person who binged, it just meant that I was lazy or lacked self control and that I’d just have to work it out on my own. I honestly feel I was sick enough to be hospitalized at some of those points, but I was only ever given a pep talk. There is a feeling of helplessness and abandonment in the knowledge that your problem is not taken seriously enough…that no one is coming to intervene or save you.

Anyway. So I yo-yo’d a lot, picked myself up and got on a plan with gyms and diets a few times, but spent most of the time hiding in the behavior, just too scared not to have that crutch to give it up. I’d give myself a time period – like a long weekend off from school or something, and give myself permission to go crazy and eat everything I wanted, on the condition that right after that I’d change everything and never do it again. Of course, that turned into every weekend. And weekday. And waking moment.

Then, suddenly, a couple of years ago, I got in a really good place. I tried to look at food differently – not worry about doing everything perfectly, but just to think about food LESS. I started doing a lot of yoga, and dropped a lot of weight, probably around 50 pounds. I was eating healthy, exercising and loving it. I was much happier and more confident. I thought I'd finally "figured it out." Then, when I got close to really crossing that "threshold" – you know, where things start changing and people notice, and you really get down in size to smaller than you have been in a long time - I couldn't go on. I fell apart and self-sabotaged heavily. I holed up in my apartment all winter, ate, and gained 70 pounds in 6 months, and still kept eating. In January of 2011, I hit an all time high of 312, and was at an absolute, horrified loss of what to do.

I ended up coming to two conclusions:

One, that I simply could not take going back and forth anymore. That I was going to have surgery (something I'd previously been against) because I wanted the weight OFF. I wanted it off fast, and forever.

Two, that I really, really needed help. I did not feel in control of my own life or actions. I could not think of anything but food, and it affected my day-to-day existence and interactions with people. I’d moved to a big city and was able to find a good therapist who worked specifically with eating issues (this can be difficult in small towns) and tried my best to just be honest. It was not easy for one minute, but now, over a year later of sessions (and nearly 10 months post-op) I can say it's made a huge difference.

I did not want gastric bypass – for all the horrible things I’ve done to it, I do have an odd sense of protectiveness over my body, and rearranging things in there just did not appeal to me. Plus, I’d seen post-bypass people before and they looked sick and droopy to me, and I didn’t like the idea of not absorbing Vitamins, etc. When I read about the sleeve, it was like a light bulb going off. Something purely restrictive was perfect to me. I really WANTED TO CHANGE, and what I needed was just that inability to put myself too far off the wagon, not a bunch of Vitamin and mineral deficiencies. (PS, I realize there are lots of successful bypassers, and am not trying to sounds biased – just relaying my thought process at the time). I believed that my desire to change behaviors would be enough support for a procedure that wasn’t quite as extreme.

I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, and anyone who hasn’t seen me since last May still does not know. I told the people at my job that I was going on vacation and that was it. I didn’t even tell my roommate until I got back. And it’s funny, I didn’t even care or get uncomfortable. After the fact, it was just like, “This is my life now. I’m happy and I don’t have to justify it to anybody.” I’d left the country and gotten surgery for cripes’ sake, the scary part was over! People’s thoughts on it meant zero to me. That said, I kept my mouth shut upon getting back too, so if they had thoughts I was never really made aware of them. There were only a sparse handful of occasions where I was uncomfortable or in a situation where I didn’t know what to do. A few months post-op, I had to attend a food tasting for a conference we were putting on at work. No way could I try all the different courses, and had to sit at a table and turn things away, having specifically gone there to “taste”! That was a bit awkward, but two other colleagues were there and they tried the stuff I didn’t. And it was ultimately fine! One thing we need to remember is that we are more highly sensitive to these things than other people. They don’t know your circumstances – you could have food allergies, you could just be getting over the flu, you could be pregnant, who knows what! People might wonder briefly, but no one really gives a damn what anyone else eats for more than five seconds, so all you can do it worry about YOU! It’s your life and you don’t have to explain anything to anyone.

So now, on to the present:

I have struggled recently with the fact that as I get further out, my capacity is changing. It's still small, obviously, but I could eat more/badly if I wanted to. Some days I do want to, most days I don't. I feel more in control of these issues than I have in a very long time because the sleeve tool has empowered me with the ability to take my thoughts of food "off the plate” for the most part, no pun intended! When you simply can't eat (or can't eat more than a few ounces at a time) there is just no point to obsessing about it. Also, some things change that are out of your control - I truly crave Protein. It's not about what tastes good - your body is actively ASKING you for protein, and so you want that - more than you want the bad stuff. Again, I don't think that will last forever, but it gives you a big head start - you start dropping weight and you love the results - so you are driven to continue on doing the right things.

That said, part of the reason I’m writing this is that I’ve had a rough. I get very hungry sometimes now – I think specifically when I’m about to drop a few pounds, it’s sort of like molting – I get hunger and crave more substantive foods – like oatmeal and whole wheat Pasta and carby things, instead of just usual protein. Sometimes I go a bit overboard. My capacity is bigger and sometimes I have a “big” bowl of oatmeal (by big I mean maybe a full cup or a little less, which is still way more than I could’ve done at my 2 oz. phase) with bananas and chocolate chips and milk in it…and then I panic. Why can I eat this much? Have I fallen off the wagon? Is it all over and I will self-sabotage from now on?!! That’s what’s always happened in the past and I’m still scared of it. I race over to My Fitness Pal and log everything and try to figure out how I can “save” the day or make plans to burn off all the calories. Sometimes I actually do that and sometimes I don’t, and I just have to take a step back and remember that this is still NOTHING compared to the damage that would have done before, that it’s okay to eat a little more sometimes when your body is asking for it, and to just CALM DOWN about everything, because not every day or even every week is going to be perfect.

This past week is the first time I’ve really experienced a “pull” back to binging. I’ve surrounded myself since surgery with positive images, and affirmations and practices and have loved feeling healthy in all ways. But I am not cured – I don’t think there is a cure. I know people here have lots of varied reasons for having surgery and for some it was just a need for help with real portion control, stubborn genetics, that sort of thing – but for me it is truly behavioral: I have an eating disorder and it is a struggle every day. If I get too cocky and think I am just a normal person now, it backfires on me. I can not have trigger foods around and I can not be left on my own if I’m feeling “unstable” in the choices I’m making. The thought of gaining the weight back is all consuming and terrifying. I will have to pick myself back up, journal, and go to therapy, and fight the fight.

I am so grateful for this website. It is part of my routine to come here and learn and be inspired by all of you. And all I can say for those of you who are reading and researching, trying to decide if this is the right thing for you…all I can say is DO IT. Prepare, prepare, prepare, read everything you can about it, but by all means do it. You already know a lot of the ways it will change your life from other people’s accounts, but the biggest (and best!) thing to remember is that there are other ways you will change that you can’t even fathom yet. And they are wonderful! It’s so hard to convey the FEELING – of being so much better off physically, of getting your life back – but it’s in your future and you should pursue it no matter what, if you feel it’s what’s best for you. Do NOT let fear or the opinions and negativity of others get in your way. Trust me, the first time you sit in an airplane seat with a foot of extra seatbelt, wear heels with no pain, get hit on in the line in Starbucks…the fact that someone threw some shade at you about getting surgery is not going to matter to you one bit.

I am 25 years old, 5’8 ½ and had a highest ever weight of 312 in January 2011. I had surgery 5 months after that over Memorial Day 2011 at 278 pounds. Today, I have lost 105 pounds and weigh 173. My largest ever jeans were a tight size 24, and now I’m wearing a 10 and medium tops. My goal is to be about 160 pounds and a size 8.

These pics are from before, ranging through about ¾ months, 6 months, my fab red dress for a formal gala dinner, up to me in my suit for a conference last week. For some reason they are not posting in order, but hopefully the order is pretty clear.

"Half an orange tastes as sweet as a whole one." Chinese Proverb

"We have never arrived. We are in a constant state of becoming." Bob Dylan

Awesome post! You look great!

Wow I can't believe how similar your story is to my own life. I truly want to thank you for sharing your story, it's an inspiration not only to me hopefully to others aswell. You look phenomenal! Any tips on what exercise did you do? What protein shakes would you recommend? Throughout your journey what's been the most difficult and most rewarding? Thanks again for sharing your story and answering my questions.

This is so inspirational! Beautifully written, wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

And you look amazing. I hope you feel just as amazing!

:wub:

Thank you for sharing your story!

AAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAZING!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!

Simply beautiful! So happy for you.

Thanks you speak for all of us. By you being aware of our weakness IS a strong tool. It is easier to keep it off now than before. We were out of control. Weight gain will aways be our fear. It's good to have that. It makes us stronger. You story is very real. Thank you again.

Wow I can't believe how similar your story is to my own life. I truly want to thank you for sharing your story, it's an inspiration not only to me hopefully to others aswell. You look phenomenal! Any tips on what exercise did you do? What Protein shakes would you recommend? Throughout your journey what's been the most difficult and most rewarding? Thanks again for sharing your story and answering my questions.

Thanks! For exercise I walk everywhere and have started doing cardio a couple of times a week, but mostly I do lots of yoga - around 5x weekly. It is a great workout for toning and core strength - and starting the morning off with a class puts me in touch with how I'm feeling and leaves me clear-headed to make good choices throughout the day. In terms of Protein Shakes, I keep Syntrax nectar around in chocolate truffle and vanilla bean torte. I also drink the fantastic hot chocolates from mybariatricpantry...either with hot Water at night time or mixed in hot soy milk for an afternoon snack. I don't do protein shakes every day at this point because I can now eat enough to get it from food, but I do supplement with them if I need to.

The most rewarding part has been the empowerment - feeling like things have truly changed and I can actually go forward and live a "new life" instead of just planning for it/dreaming it. Most difficult part is the mental aspect and learning balance - not getting too caught up in numbers and the scale, etc. Coming from a disorder background, that was especially important. Remembering that we do this to get healthy, not trade one obsession for another.

Thanks for commenting...good luck on your journey!

Awesome job and beautiful post!!!! You look wonderful! Congrats!!!

I know for a fact that I spent 10 years struggling with a full-blown eating disorder. It took on a lot of different forms: super restrictive dieting in high school' date=' followed by long stretches of all-out binging in college, then coupled with periods of bulimia and laxative abuse while desperately trying not to gain so much weight from the binges. I started dieting in middle school and would go to eat alone at lunchtime with my salad so as not to be tempted by the junk food in the cafeteria. At 15, I did Herbalife and started kickboxing and lost 50 pounds. Kept it off for about 9 months and then PACKED it back on with carbs and ice cream. It was like a nightmare, putting that weight back on as a teenager, having to go to high school and feel fat…when I wasn’t making rounds to all the different vending machines on campus (don’t want to load up too much at any one on it’s own) I was sitting in the bathroom with a journal, making lists of reasons why my next diet was going to work and why I wanted to lose weight. I just didn’t think of anything else but food. When I went to college, it was a disaster. I had no supervision and a car…no need for much detail, but I started staying up all night eating, and missing classes. All I thought about was eating. My life was a mess and I felt beyond help. I attempted to see a counselors a few times and twice was put on a mild antidepressant, but nothing truly worked.

It makes me sad to recount this and think of all the years that went by wasted on food. Every time I think I’ve covered it, I remember another “phase” and each is more depressing than the last. Sometimes I feel bitter that no one rescued me from it. I get angry thinking if I had had the opposite problem – if I’d been anorexic and 50 pounds underweight instead of 100 pounds overweight – someone would have stepped in, because a person who starves themselves has issues and needs help. But because I was a person who binged, it just meant that I was lazy or lacked self control and that I’d just have to work it out on my own. I honestly feel I was sick enough to be hospitalized at some of those points, but I was only ever given a pep talk. There is a feeling of helplessness and abandonment in the knowledge that your problem is not taken seriously enough…that no one is coming to intervene or save you.

Anyway. So I yo-yo’d a lot, picked myself up and got on a plan with gyms and diets a few times, but spent most of the time hiding in the behavior, just too scared not to have that crutch to give it up. I’d give myself a time period – like a long weekend off from school or something, and give myself permission to go crazy and eat everything I wanted, on the condition that right after that I’d change everything and never do it again. Of course, that turned into every weekend. And weekday. And waking moment.

Then, suddenly, a couple of years ago, I got in a really good place. I tried to look at food differently – not worry about doing everything perfectly, but just to think about food LESS. I started doing a lot of yoga, and dropped a lot of weight, probably around 50 pounds. I was eating healthy, exercising and loving it. I was much happier and more confident. I thought I'd finally "figured it out." Then, when I got close to really crossing that "threshold" – you know, where things start changing and people notice, and you really get down in size to smaller than you have been in a long time - I couldn't go on. I fell apart and self-sabotaged heavily. I holed up in my apartment all winter, ate, and gained 70 pounds in 6 months, and still kept eating. In January of 2011, I hit an all time high of 312, and was at an absolute, horrified loss of what to do.

I ended up coming to two conclusions:

One, that I simply could not take going back and forth anymore. That I was going to have surgery (something I'd previously been against) because I wanted the weight OFF. I wanted it off fast, and forever.

Two, that I really, really needed help. I did not feel in control of my own life or actions. I could not think of anything but food, and it affected my day-to-day existence and interactions with people. I’d moved to a big city and was able to find a good therapist who worked specifically with eating issues (this can be difficult in small towns) and tried my best to just be honest. It was not easy for one minute, but now, over a year later of sessions (and nearly 10 months post-op) I can say it's made a huge difference.

I did not want gastric bypass – for all the horrible things I’ve done to it, I do have an odd sense of protectiveness over my body, and rearranging things in there just did not appeal to me. Plus, I’d seen post-bypass people before and they looked sick and droopy to me, and I didn’t like the idea of not absorbing Vitamins, etc. When I read about the sleeve, it was like a light bulb going off. Something purely restrictive was perfect to me. I really WANTED TO CHANGE, and what I needed was just that inability to put myself too far off the wagon, not a bunch of Vitamin and mineral deficiencies. (PS, I realize there are lots of successful bypassers, and am not trying to sounds biased – just relaying my thought process at the time). I believed that my desire to change behaviors would be enough support for a procedure that wasn’t quite as extreme.

I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, and anyone who hasn’t seen me since last May still does not know. I told the people at my job that I was going on vacation and that was it. I didn’t even tell my roommate until I got back. And it’s funny, I didn’t even care or get uncomfortable. After the fact, it was just like, “This is my life now. I’m happy and I don’t have to justify it to anybody.” I’d left the country and gotten surgery for cripes’ sake, the scary part was over! People’s thoughts on it meant zero to me. That said, I kept my mouth shut upon getting back too, so if they had thoughts I was never really made aware of them. There were only a sparse handful of occasions where I was uncomfortable or in a situation where I didn’t know what to do. A few months post-op, I had to attend a food tasting for a conference we were putting on at work. No way could I try all the different courses, and had to sit at a table and turn things away, having specifically gone there to “taste”! That was a bit awkward, but two other colleagues were there and they tried the stuff I didn’t. And it was ultimately fine! One thing we need to remember is that we are more highly sensitive to these things than other people. They don’t know your circumstances – you could have food allergies, you could just be getting over the flu, you could be pregnant, who knows what! People might wonder briefly, but no one really gives a damn what anyone else eats for more than five seconds, so all you can do it worry about YOU! It’s your life and you don’t have to explain anything to anyone.

So now, on to the present:

I have struggled recently with the fact that as I get further out, my capacity is changing. It's still small, obviously, but I could eat more/badly if I wanted to. Some days I do want to, most days I don't. I feel more in control of these issues than I have in a very long time because the sleeve tool has empowered me with the ability to take my thoughts of food "off the plate” for the most part, no pun intended! When you simply can't eat (or can't eat more than a few ounces at a time) there is just no point to obsessing about it. Also, some things change that are out of your control - I truly crave Protein. It's not about what tastes good - your body is actively ASKING you for protein, and so you want that - more than you want the bad stuff. Again, I don't think that will last forever, but it gives you a big head start - you start dropping weight and you love the results - so you are driven to continue on doing the right things.

That said, part of the reason I’m writing this is that I’ve had a rough. I get very hungry sometimes now – I think specifically when I’m about to drop a few pounds, it’s sort of like molting – I get hunger and crave more substantive foods – like oatmeal and whole wheat Pasta and carby things, instead of just usual protein. Sometimes I go a bit overboard. My capacity is bigger and sometimes I have a “big” bowl of oatmeal (by big I mean maybe a full cup or a little less, which is still way more than I could’ve done at my 2 oz. phase) with bananas and chocolate chips and milk in it…and then I panic. Why can I eat this much? Have I fallen off the wagon? Is it all over and I will self-sabotage from now on?!! That’s what’s always happened in the past and I’m still scared of it. I race over to My Fitness Pal and log everything and try to figure out how I can “save” the day or make plans to burn off all the calories. Sometimes I actually do that and sometimes I don’t, and I just have to take a step back and remember that this is still NOTHING compared to the damage that would have done before, that it’s okay to eat a little more sometimes when your body is asking for it, and to just CALM DOWN about everything, because not every day or even every week is going to be perfect.

This past week is the first time I’ve really experienced a “pull” back to binging. I’ve surrounded myself since surgery with positive images, and affirmations and practices and have loved feeling healthy in all ways. But I am not cured – I don’t think there is a cure. I know people here have lots of varied reasons for having surgery and for some it was just a need for help with real portion control, stubborn genetics, that sort of thing – but for me it is truly behavioral: I have an eating disorder and it is a struggle every day. If I get too cocky and think I am just a normal person now, it backfires on me. I can not have trigger foods around and I can not be left on my own if I’m feeling “unstable” in the choices I’m making. The thought of gaining the weight back is all consuming and terrifying. I will have to pick myself back up, journal, and go to therapy, and fight the fight.

I am so grateful for this website. It is part of my routine to come here and learn and be inspired by all of you. And all I can say for those of you who are reading and researching, trying to decide if this is the right thing for you…all I can say is DO IT. Prepare, prepare, prepare, read everything you can about it, but by all means do it. You already know a lot of the ways it will change your life from other people’s accounts, but the biggest (and best!) thing to remember is that there are other ways you will change that you can’t even fathom yet. And they are wonderful! It’s so hard to convey the FEELING – of being so much better off physically, of getting your life back – but it’s in your future and you should pursue it no matter what, if you feel it’s what’s best for you. Do NOT let fear or the opinions and negativity of others get in your way. Trust me, the first time you sit in an airplane seat with a foot of extra seatbelt, wear heels with no pain, get hit on in the line in Starbucks…the fact that someone threw some shade at you about getting surgery is not going to matter to you one bit.

I am 25 years old, 5’8 ½ and had a highest ever weight of 312 in January 2011. I had surgery 5 months after that over Memorial Day 2011 at 278 pounds. Today, I have lost 105 pounds and weigh 173. My largest ever jeans were a tight size 24, and now I’m wearing a 10 and medium tops. My goal is to be about 160 pounds and a size 8.

These pics are from before, ranging through about ¾ months, 6 months, my fab red dress for a formal gala dinner, up to me in my suit for a conference last week. For some reason they are not posting in order, but hopefully the order is pretty clear. <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />

"Half an orange tastes as sweet as a whole one." Chinese Proverb

"We have never arrived. We are in a constant state of becoming." Bob Dylan[/quote']

Thanks so much for writing this. You are old enough to be my daughter, yet I have had the exact same thoughts and feelings throughout my life- and, God willing, will have my sleeve this summer.

I have no doubt you'll reach your goals and get all the good things you deserve.

Thanks again.

Lovely post thanks for sharing you look amazing!!!

Oh dear, I can relate to you very much. I have had some of the same disordered eating in lifetime. In my early to mid 20's, I went through bouts of bulimia and food restriction would could also be called anorexia I suppose. I never considered it that because I was never really skinny. The funny thing is-I wasn't fat to begin with.I was a size 12 when I started binging and purging at 20 years old because I thought I was too fat. I lost a bit of weight doing that because I was purging a LOT. Then I would start binging and purging in such a way that I wasn't purging all of my food and so i began to gain weight. Then started a cycle of severe calorie restriction along with yellowjackets (those contained ephedra at the time). I was eating about 500 calories a day max and swallowing those pills like they were candy. I got down to a size 8 and thought I was in heaven. I suffered a lot to get to that size 8. Then I gave birth to my second daughter, and I was a size 12 again. I freaked out and started taking pills again but couldn't do the calorie restriction anymore. I gained weight and then gained even more weight after I quit smoking and swore I wouldn't be bulimic anymore. My husband got laid off from a job and I just gave up on everything. I ate like a horse and was in a severe depression. I am glad I didn't turn to bulimia or anorexia but it was very sad. I ate my way up to over 200 lbs even with working out 2 hours a day. Fast forward a couple of years and find out I'm diabetic. I wasn't even that big when I found out I was diabetic. THAT was my wake up call. I began eating high Protein and lost some weight but realized I wasn't able to lose enough weight to be in a good place with my diabetes. I finally decided on surgery. I hadn't binged or purged in a couple of years and I hadn't gone back to severe calorie restriction because I knew that wreaked havoc on my mind and soul. I wanted to do this the healthy way and chose surgery. I am only a little over a month out, but it was a life saver. I didn't want to go back to bulimia, or severe calorie restriction and pills! I also didn't want to stay overweight anymore. Those of us who have had eating disorders know that it's a tough battle to overcome. The sleeve has definitely helped me keep my mind off of food and to eat healthy in a smart, HEALTHY way. I love that I can eat some fish or some tuna and feel satisfied and I don't have the urge to purge. I am eating healthy, small amounts and losing weight the right way. Although I haven't binged and purged in over 2 years, the thoughts would occasionally creep in before surgery and I really thought I might be headed back in that direction. I am so happy that I got the sleeve and I want to eat like a healthy, regular person for the rest of my life! I have 2 incentives--I don't want to go back to having a full on eating disorder, and I don't want to live with diabetes. Eating healthy really DOES affect my life in so many ways just like it affects all of us on here. Putting diabetes in remission is so important to me that I will forever eat healthy and putting my eating disorders in remission is just as important to me too.

Cheers to you for changing your life and putting your health above all. The pain of feeling fat, or out of control with food can turn someone into a hermit and a depressed, sad person. I don't want to be in that spot and I know you don't either. Keep living healthy and remember you are putting your eating disordered past IN THE PAST and putting in remission--or thereby eliminating it--by staying true to your new permanent lifestyle with the help of the sleeve. Just remember--WE ARE WORTH IT !

Sincerely,

Misty

Golden............. you look great! Was very inspiring to read that!

Very very well written. Thank you for sharing something so deep within. Thank you for you story. U have came such a long log way. And your pics are great. Thanks for sharing