Oh my god.

I had gone almost 3 months post-banding without what you people so lovingly call a "PB," and let me tell you, those two little words do not do the deed any justice. I kept reading about people throwing up and I wondered what the hell was wrong with you all. I would almost rather die than vomit, as I have a very sensitive gag reflex, and once I get started, I can't stop. I thought you had to be crazy to eat so much or so wrong that it came back up.

Oh, little did I know. Now, I've had the golfball. I get the golfball, in varying intensities, several times a week. I figured it was just first bite syndrome, and it would always pass by walking around or trying to wash it down.

Until last night. I was on the San Antonio River Walk with some friends, and we were having some appetizers and margaritas. All of a sudden, I got the worst golfball ever. No warning. I went to the bathroom to try to walk it off. I paced the bathroom for about 10 minutes, and my mouth was filling up with slime. And then I threw up. It was mostly slime, and only a tiny amount of food. The most impressive part to me was that the slime came out in a 9 inch diameter BUBBLE! Like when you're using that string and wand thing and blowing bubbles! Crazy. If I didn't feel like such total shit I would have examined it more closely.

I thought I was better, and someone was trying to come into the bathroom, so I returned to my seat. I still had pressure in my chest, but nothing too bad. A few minutes later, the excrutiating golfball returned. We got up to leave, and I thought the walk back to the hotel would clear it.

But no. The more I walked, the more painful it became, and my mouth continued to fill with slime. Finally, I couldn't stand it, and I ran into the nearest restaurant to use the bathroom. Or, what I thought was a restaurant. It was actually some sort of bar that was checking IDs. I tried to hurry past the guying yelling "Ma'am!" until he manhandled me. I was at once flattered that I looked younger than 21 and terrified that I might vomit on this lovely young man. I turned to him and urgently whispered "I'm going to vomit. Please let me use your bathroom." If I have learned anything about men, it is that they are most afraid of a crazy bitch...especially a crazy bitch about to throw up.

I found the bathroom and immediately began vomiting. Another HUGE bubble. (Could I make money off this talent?) It is this vomiting session that I now consider the OFFICIAL WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE. It was so painful, both in my chest and my pouch, and not at all PRODUCTIVE, like vomiting before the band was. Little chunks of food were coming up and getting stuck on the back of my tongue, making me gag and heave more.

Eventually, everything that was going to come up did, and I was left sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. And trying to rinse foot long slimes out of my mouth for the next five minutes.

Ok, so if you're still reading, a few observations:

1. Are you fucking kidding me? This has happened to you people more than once? My mom was banded a month before me, and I know that she has had this kind of episode on MANY occassions. I do not comprehend. Last night's situation has scared the pants off of me, and I have been eating VERY carefully today. I can honestly say that I would rather die than go through that again.

2. Are you telling me that I PAID for this? I should start another thread about the GIANT SCAM that is the lapband, but I'll be brief here. This was NOT in the power point presentation. The golfball was NOT ever mentioned to me. The imaginary feeling of fullness that doesn't register with your head was NOT ever acknowledged pre-banding.

3. Productive Burp? How about Excrutiatingly Painful Gagging Sliming Heaving Feels Like You're About to Die Vomitation? (EPGSHFLYADV) Seriously, the acronym is EXCEPTIONALLY deceiving. I had no idea what I was in for.

And, no, I'm not too tight. I've had this fill for a month, and have eaten much worse than I did last night. In fact, I ate half a pizza last week with no problems. Please don't judge me and tell me to eat Protein.

So, basically, I'm pissed, and I'm getting more pissed as I write this. I'm terrified of ever going through that again, and I'm angry that I was misled. I am convinced that this procedure is entirely experimental and will be contraindicated in about 10 years. And physiologically, it makes no sense. How can my pouch hold half a pizza one day and just a few bites another? I need a scientific explanation beyond "the band is finicky."

I know this isn't the right forum for I Hate My Band discussions, but maybe there are a few others like me lurking. Anybody?

((( hugs )))) EPGSHFLYADV Love that....

OH MY,

I did not realize that we could eat pizza w/the band..little do I know. I am only 3+weeks post and still nursing the liquids with little mashed food. How scary..I don't think I could handle what you have gone through.Hope you feel better soon!

Sorry, didn't mean to scare the freshly post-opers. As bad as this experience was, the pain was gone after the vomiting ended. It is my pride that remains wounded after talking so much smack about people who throw up.

ROFL!! StrawartS, where did you come from? You definately need to hang around here more, because you are wonderful entertainment!! Your description of a EPGSHFLYADV was so right on. No PB's anymore.

I have been banded 7 months & have only had 1 experience like the one you described. If it makes anyone feel better, I think these experiences are very far & few inbetween. Am I right?!?! But, the EPGSHFLYADV will definately remind you that you don't want that to happen again. AND...hopefully you will avoid anything that will cause it to happen. I cannot do the fried stuff that you described. It is CERTAIN that I will be in pain. I'm happy I had the gross episodes I had to keep me eating right!!!

I look forward to more posts from you StrawartS!!!!!! You have won a prize in my book for the most entertaining post!!! :first:

StrawartS, I have nominated your post for Best PB Episode Description on the following thread:

http://www.lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=14587

so go see! I did a copy/paste...hope you don't mind.

I love it! I replied on that thread - thanks again!

Jebus, this is what I have to look forward too? Thanks for the laugh, but also...yikes!

I have been posting on this board for over a year now. I must say that I have NEVER, EVER been as entertained by a thread as this story.

That being said, I have also been a bit pissed about the troubles over the band. The finickly little bracelet around my tummy telling me what it does and does not like based on the whim of its mood. The long streams of slime, the kind that stick to your finger when you try and get it off your lips that strains all the way to the toilet and you somehow feel tainted, must be experienced in order to understand it. There is no way anyone can explain it in true form. I have no scientific answer for you. I have no words of wisdom. But the band is there now, and now we deal with it.

((smiling sheepishly)) welcome to bandland????

Good one! If you're anything like me, it only took one real bad PB & I made sure it never happened again!!! A really bad one is true Hell!! Thanks for the laugh! ((((HUGS))))

As much as we try to avoid them, sometimes after a fill, a PB is unavoidable. Something you could eat just 3 days before becomes the enemy.

That enemy for me now is chicken. I used to be able to eat it. But now, twice, it's caused major episodes, and I refuse to try it again until my restriction goes down, if it does.

I love the new acronym. PB just doesn't really cut it

Oh my goodness, I am no longer Queen of the Killer Slimes. I have to admit I slime more than most but sometimes its my fault. I don't always chew well, take small bites, make great choices, etc...but sometimes its my fickle band.

I'm stepping on your thread here to vent. I spent 40 hours this weekend (flying and airport time) to get to Malawi. I could eat anything. I was bumming because in Amsterdan and on the planes, I ate bread for the first time since August. I had a minor pb on one of the planes because I over ate (first class had awesome appetizer, meal, and desert). But no problems.

I get here and I am so tight that it takes me 30 minutes to get in half a fish filet. I will lose weight this week!!

I know a day of liquids would be best but I'm in the middle of a week of interviews, meeting, etc and I need to appear normal.

Bands are fickle but I have lost weight and I'm back to losing more. But I have never had a giant slime ball like yours. Awesome!! I hope you are feeling better.

Strawarts, you have quite the way with words!! This experience is unforgettable, which is why it's such effective behavior modification. I think it's worse for those of us who have a natural disinclination to vomiting; before banding I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I vomited in the last 30 years. So after banding it took my body a lot of time to accept that sometimes, things that don't go down simply have to come up. There were two particularly bad EPGSHFLYADV episodes before I learned to let go more easily of what was bothering me.

So rest assured, it's unlikely to happen again. Whether it's your mind or your body hanging on, after this event you'll probably be able to eject the bothersome morsel with a bit more ease.

You poor dear!! Welcome to bandland, for real. :hug:

1. 3 barbeque chicken wings (I think they were breaded in addition to being covered in goop)

2. 2 spicy chicken wings

3. 2 jalapeno poppers (those fried, cream cheese filled gooey bundles of goodness)

4. maybe 4 fried mushrooms

5. margarita, baby!

Ok the Margaritas I understand, but items 1-4 will cause an instant SA, (slime attack), for me. You eat pizza???? OMG, I couldn't imagine eating a "slice" of pizza, now I eat the heck off of some toppings, the cheese, pepperoni, all the good stuff, but the crust, mushrooms and chicken makes me want to slime just thinking about it. For me, those are probably my most pb inducing foods, besides potatoes of any type, excluding chips. One of my worse SA's was after eating a french fry, which I thought was well chewed, I pb'd so hard my esoph bled. Needless to say I freaked and called my Doc who said I'd probably bursted a tiny blood vessel or scratched the esoph. I have 2 in a 4cc band and I've been banded for 15 months.

I'm sorry you had to learn a lesson the hard way, but I must confess, I laughed my a$$ off. I'm pretty sure the next time you chow down on any of the above mentioned foods you will have a sink or toilet close by, LOL.

What's with the meat tenderizer, more explanation please. When I'm having a major pb/SA, I couldn't imagine drinking anything.

Hugs.

"The most impressive part to me was that the slime came out in a 9 inch diameter BUBBLE!"

This was so funny that the same impressive bubble just came out of my nose, coffee flavored, thank you.

Dear Strawarts,

I have never PB like you were explaining and I hope I never do but I did have a horrible sortof like heartburn and slimming when I drank only 1/2 a marguerita at a nice restaurant and was in the bathroom for 15 minutes, that was fun. I think maybe the achohol and sour mix combo could have been the culpret. So Sorry to here your experience..............