Oh my god.

I had gone almost 3 months post-banding without what you people so lovingly call a "PB," and let me tell you, those two little words do not do the deed any justice. I kept reading about people throwing up and I wondered what the hell was wrong with you all. I would almost rather die than vomit, as I have a very sensitive gag reflex, and once I get started, I can't stop. I thought you had to be crazy to eat so much or so wrong that it came back up.

Oh, little did I know. Now, I've had the golfball. I get the golfball, in varying intensities, several times a week. I figured it was just first bite syndrome, and it would always pass by walking around or trying to wash it down.

Until last night. I was on the San Antonio River Walk with some friends, and we were having some appetizers and margaritas. All of a sudden, I got the worst golfball ever. No warning. I went to the bathroom to try to walk it off. I paced the bathroom for about 10 minutes, and my mouth was filling up with slime. And then I threw up. It was mostly slime, and only a tiny amount of food. The most impressive part to me was that the slime came out in a 9 inch diameter BUBBLE! Like when you're using that string and wand thing and blowing bubbles! Crazy. If I didn't feel like such total shit I would have examined it more closely.

I thought I was better, and someone was trying to come into the bathroom, so I returned to my seat. I still had pressure in my chest, but nothing too bad. A few minutes later, the excrutiating golfball returned. We got up to leave, and I thought the walk back to the hotel would clear it.

But no. The more I walked, the more painful it became, and my mouth continued to fill with slime. Finally, I couldn't stand it, and I ran into the nearest restaurant to use the bathroom. Or, what I thought was a restaurant. It was actually some sort of bar that was checking IDs. I tried to hurry past the guying yelling "Ma'am!" until he manhandled me. I was at once flattered that I looked younger than 21 and terrified that I might vomit on this lovely young man. I turned to him and urgently whispered "I'm going to vomit. Please let me use your bathroom." If I have learned anything about men, it is that they are most afraid of a crazy bitch...especially a crazy bitch about to throw up.

I found the bathroom and immediately began vomiting. Another HUGE bubble. (Could I make money off this talent?) It is this vomiting session that I now consider the OFFICIAL WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE. It was so painful, both in my chest and my pouch, and not at all PRODUCTIVE, like vomiting before the band was. Little chunks of food were coming up and getting stuck on the back of my tongue, making me gag and heave more.

Eventually, everything that was going to come up did, and I was left sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. And trying to rinse foot long slimes out of my mouth for the next five minutes.

Ok, so if you're still reading, a few observations:

1. Are you fucking kidding me? This has happened to you people more than once? My mom was banded a month before me, and I know that she has had this kind of episode on MANY occassions. I do not comprehend. Last night's situation has scared the pants off of me, and I have been eating VERY carefully today. I can honestly say that I would rather die than go through that again.

2. Are you telling me that I PAID for this? I should start another thread about the GIANT SCAM that is the lapband, but I'll be brief here. This was NOT in the power point presentation. The golfball was NOT ever mentioned to me. The imaginary feeling of fullness that doesn't register with your head was NOT ever acknowledged pre-banding.

3. Productive Burp? How about Excrutiatingly Painful Gagging Sliming Heaving Feels Like You're About to Die Vomitation? (EPGSHFLYADV) Seriously, the acronym is EXCEPTIONALLY deceiving. I had no idea what I was in for.

And, no, I'm not too tight. I've had this fill for a month, and have eaten much worse than I did last night. In fact, I ate half a pizza last week with no problems. Please don't judge me and tell me to eat Protein.

So, basically, I'm pissed, and I'm getting more pissed as I write this. I'm terrified of ever going through that again, and I'm angry that I was misled. I am convinced that this procedure is entirely experimental and will be contraindicated in about 10 years. And physiologically, it makes no sense. How can my pouch hold half a pizza one day and just a few bites another? I need a scientific explanation beyond "the band is finicky."

I know this isn't the right forum for I Hate My Band discussions, but maybe there are a few others like me lurking. Anybody?

OY VEY!!! I am so sorry that happened to you....frig !!

I have 1 cc in a 4 cc band, I can eat pizza, bagels, you name it and I don't have to chew all that well (yeah I know, its gonna backfire).

I'm really glad I read this because it scared the chit out of me. I know my day is coming and I better take heed.

I think we should change PB to Productive Bubble (sounds like a rock band) lol.

I gotta ask this... how in the hell does meat tenderizer help if your PBing / or have that golf ball feeling ??? what does it do? can you take if for both?

Learn something new every day dang gum it.

This is just a guess, but I am assuming that the meat tenderizer helps break up the food causing the golf ball. Anyone else?

That would have been my guess, too...

So it would work on meat golf balls (really good to know), but not bread golf balls, yes?

Well, as my good friend would say, we are now officially in jackass territory. Again, I'm postulating, but I think the meat tenderizer would work on any food...I'm guessing they call it "meat" tenderizer because no one (besides whacked out bandsters) would ever be interested in tenderizing bread.

LOL - never thought about this. See - I had my hair highlighted blonde today for a reason.

This brings up an all important question..

When you PB in public, that has got to be so embarrassing, correct? The last thing people dining out want to see and smell and hear is someone vomiting. I would be in distress from the pain and fear and the embarrassment. What do you all do when this happens in public?

See - I did have a bad experience in a restaurant one time. I had to run out and then I slimed all over the place outside. It was pretty gag me.

Just be prepared to make a clean getaway if need be. Some people say they sit close to a bathroom.... I read one post where someone said carry a baggie in your purse - oooooggggiiiiieeee.

Funny thing is, I now wait a little while after each bite before I take the next - just to make sure everything goes down ok. I know exactly when I'm having a problem (little golfball in my chest feeling) and I NEVER eat another bite until that feeling goes away. Sometimes I even call it a meal and don't eat for a good little while. So far, I've had no more problems - knock wood. I think when I did this in the restaurant I just hadn't learned yet not to pile in another bite when I had that feeling. I'm learning :-).

That would have been my guess, too...

So it would work on meat golf balls (really good to know), but not bread golf balls, yes?

I have never tried it on bread, because I don't eat much bread...honestly, I am scared to try. I would think that it would work the same, but I am only guessing.

I have only had to use the meat tenderizer once. I had a piece of chicken stuck and it was not coming out. I just kept sliming...it was so disgusting! I could not take the pain any longer. I mixed about a teaspoon of the meat tenderizer in about 1/3 coffee cup of luke warm Water. I was only able to swallow maybe a teaspoon or tablespoon of it. That is all it took. It tastes like heavy salt water. Not good, but INSTANT RELIEF...no joke!

I hear that people use the papaya extract because it is easier to carry when on the go.

Has anyone else tried either of these?

I don't understand PBing in public either. My mother PBs at least once a day (don't EVEN get me started - how many different ways can you say "CHEW YOUR FREAKING FOOD"), and she's never come back from the bathroom embarassed. She was the one trying to convince me to throw up in a trash can on the River Walk before I found the bathroom last weekend. I guess it depends on how sensitive you are. My mom's a nurse, so I guess she could care less if people see her throw up. She pulled over a few days ago and PBed in a park. See, now I'm getting my blood pressure up just typing about it.

Anyway, I second everything Kim said. Before my first PB last week, I had the golfball every day, sometimes every meal. Now I follow the Bandster Golden Two Minute Rule: take your first bite, wait two minutes, then start eating again. I've never had a problem again since implementing this rule. It's hard to remember, especially when you're hungry, but waiting two minutes at the table is better than hugging the toilet for ten.

I'm definitely going to go get some of both. Hey - just asked my husband the science freak and he said that meat tenderizer breaks down Protein.

What is papain? Papain is a protein-cleaving enzyme derived from papaya and certain other plants. Enzymes are complex molecules produced in living organisms to catalyze (speed up) chemical reactions within the cell. (If you have the Chime plugin for viewing three-dimensional molecular structures, you can see a model of the papain molecule here) [1] Why is meat tough? Muscles have to endure a lot of mechanical stress; they are made of strong fibers that make them hard to cut, and tough connective tissue holds them together. Individual muscle cells contain microscopic fibrils that give them their structural integrity and allow them to contract. The fibrils have a complex internal structure bound together by long protein chains. The connective tissue that holds the muscle together is also mostly protein.

How does papain tenderize meat? Papain cuts the protein chains in the fibrils and also in the connective tissue, disrupting the structural integrity of the muscle Fiber, and tenderizing the meat.

Strawarts - ROTFLMAO - Too funny!

The meat tenderizer, how do you take it? a teaspoon of Water

Sounds like the Mary Poppins song only:"A teaspoon of Lawrys helps the PB's stay down"

LB - LOL

Here's what Banded in KS said to do ---

"I mixed about a teaspoon of the meat tenderizer in about 1/3 coffee cup of luke warm Water. I was only able to swallow maybe a teaspoon or tablespoon of it. That is all it took. It tastes like heavy salt water. Not good, but INSTANT RELIEF...no joke!"

Sounds pretty gnarly, but she says it tastes like salt water.

Sounds like something good to carry in the purse and also one at home.

Thanks!

Isn't meat tenderizer mostly salt?

So for an emergency.... your sitting in a dinner eating with your family or friends and you feel that golfball in your chest. Couldn't you take some table salt and sort of do the same thing? Has anyone tried this? whadda think?