I can barely see straight. It is no big secret that today is Valentine's day. So here is how my day went. No no...let me preface this.

Last week, because I control the budget, I put $200 in DH's wallet. I laid several blatant hints that the money was for his ability to buy a gift this year for Valentines. He complains every year that he does nothing because he never has cash to spend in his wallet.

So today I wake him up with aa very treat. Shall we say he got a nice wake up call and my lips were numb for about 30 minutes after. I take him to work, and drop the kids off, then go get my toes and nails done. He likes that, and I pick out a color that is sure to get him going. I call him to see if he wants to meet for lunch...I am already at the mall where he goes to lunch. He says no...he needs quiet time. I think "okay...gift buying time." So I go home. I clean up (we are about to move so the place is a mess.) I go to the other room and REASSEMBLE the freakin dining room table so we can have dinner tonight. I take the chairs out of the closet. I give the dog a bath (something I have been asking him to do). I get all dressedup. I go to the grocery store and buy some sole and shrimp and potatoes and pre-prepare a fabulous dinner...ready to throw in the stove. I go and pick up the kids, so he doesn'thave to walk in (hee hates it in there). I pick him up. He is all depressed. "whts wrong?" I ask. "nuthin..." he replies. We get home, and it does not take a genius to see he did not go shopping. So I tell him..."Can you go to the store and get some wine? I forgot" So he goes out, and I make dinner. He is gone 2 HOURS!!! food is cold. He gets home, I reheat the food, kids are already in bed. I put it on the table, candles lit. He comes to the tble, grabs the plate and wine, and walks over to the couch and sits down to watch the olympics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remindhim that the table is back out and made up for a reason. He says..."oh, sorry." Comes back to the table, and complains that the fish is a little tough. I tell him that is because I had to reheat it. He wolfs it down without saying anything to me, puts the dishes in the sink, and kisses me on the forehead and thanks me fore dinner. then goes and sits back down.

I keep thinking he is going to surprise me with a gift. I am now in bed. he is not. He is still watching tv. I am in bed because I have a really early morning meeting tomorrow.

Just a LOVELY V-day. I hate men. I mean what the hell?!?! I married a great guy!! What the hell is going on??? Why is he suddenly an asshole? On today of all days????

You know, as I get older I find myself disliking these types of "holidays" even more. I eluded to this in my first post in this thread. I start feeling the pressure way before the day arrives. The world has expectations of me on these days. If I'm not out with the hundreds of folks who were crowding the isles picking through the mess of red cards, then I'm obviously not caring. I can't stand to have these kinds of expectations put on me. And I try not to put them on those around me. And yet, even though I feel that way and my husband knows I feel that way (we don't do the valentines day thing) I still feel a twinge of sadness when I see other women being taken to dinner and getting roses from their husbands. Then I stop and wonder just how many of these husbands feel pressured into doing something so they dont look like a bad guy among the rest. Oh I know that there are many who do this with pure love in their hearts and do other things during the year as well, but I guess I just feel bad that these days of "expected behavior" end up leaving so many people disappointed because they adopted the same expectations.

I read a book once called Unrealistic Expectations. It talked about how we build these fantasy scenarios in our mind when we plan certain events (big or small). We play it out in our heads exactly how the other people involved will respond, and usually we are disappointed. There are too many variables in life to predict exactly how someone will react when presented with a situation that requires some kind of response. Usually in these cases, we have been planning and thinking about it for a day or more. Working it all out in our heads, getting everything prepared, we feel excitement of the anticipation - while on the other hand, the other person has just walked into it from a bad day at work, a headache, traffic that got them royally pissed off, stress over money, etc.

I know its got to be one of the hardest things in the world to do, but taking our eyes off of ourselves and our wants and focusing on the other person without expectations of some response is the only way to avoid disappointments like this. It's only when we are looking for the payback that we get angry and feel cheated. Sorry, I'm not trying to preach here, nor am I saying anyone should change the way they do things or see life. I am merely thinking outloud about my own life and the lessons Ive learned in it.

Photonut the intelligent woman in me totally agrees with you, but the little girl that is in love inside me, as your book says has all these fantasy scenarios that will probaby never be lived out.

*gives Estela a big warm hug* There, that may not have been on your fantasy list, but it should have been. *grins*

Thank you, so much, I really needed that hug today.

Okay I'll risk stepping into this vast flow of anti "MEN" feeling to say the following.

Before people wave the bad husband flag and beat the guy to death with it, lets find out what actually happened.

If you found out, for the sake of argument, that your best friend was just diagnosed with a terminal case of cancer - would you still be in the mood for romance?

There are many things that can cause this manufactured holiday to pale in comparison to, and I ask only that we wait and hear what happened before you hang him from the yard arm.

If it turns out he took the 200 bucks, and blew at on something stupid and that he was just crabby, then maybe he's done something wrong.

You don't convict a person on heresay. It's not fair of any of you (who have criticized this man) to immediately jump on the 'evil men' bandwagon.

After the evidence is presented, then form your case. Once you have clear proof of good cause to convict, then hang him.

Give "MEN" a break. "Women" woildn't exist without "MEN".

Yes, we can be insensitive. Yes, we can act stupidly, and YES we occasionally mis OBVIOUS signals.

But so do WOMEN.

I am not defending this man in any way if he has been deliberately hurtful, mean or calous. I am defending someone who is innocent until proven guilty.

I respect everyone's right to blow off steam when they are mad. I don't respect anyone's right to hear one side of a story and condemn the other side without listening to their story.

I also don't respect anyone's right to use the term "MEN" in a derogatory way, because if I used "WOMEN" in a derogatory way, I'd be reamed as being sexist.

If you globalize a word, you include everyone. Thats not fair to me, and its not fair to the rest of mankind.

Step back, take a breath, and listen.

Here's my 2 cents. I agree the husband should have caught these big hints about V-day. And I agree that it sounds like something caused husband to be upset that day also. So communication is in order. I also agree if you want something come right out & ask for it, however it seems she just about did that. Or if you want something, get it yourself. Sounds very sensible. But that never satisfies like someone else doing something for you all on their own to make you feel special. I too set myself up for disappointments all my life and still do. It's just not the same when you have to do it yourself. Sure you get the physical gift but there's nothing there to make you feel wonderful.

Take for example, last week was my birthday. Not just a regular one, but the big 5-0. All I got from the hubby was a spoken "happy birthday" after I reminded him what day it was. No hug, no card, no note, nothing. He didn't even make coffee for me that morning like he usually does. He knew full well that it meant a lot to me. Oh well, some people are just insensitive jerks. I know not to even expect anything for Valentines. OK done with my pity party for now.

Dawg - You are so right it is not all Men it is Some as there are Some Women who take Men for Granted. No hard feelings K?

And I wasn't bashing all men, just my insensitive man.. Don't worry the weekend is coming up and I'm headed to the mall and I made an appt for a massage and hair and I'll show him what a good VAlentine Gift he is getting me...

WOW there is a lot of hurt here. It makes me sad for everybody. My DH and I have NEVER exchanged gifts for anything like Christmas, birthday, V-Day or anything like that. I have always been of the philosophy that if it is a gift from the heart why what until a certain day to give it. Give it when YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING IT. If I see a need I fill it if I am able to. If I see a gift I give it when I am able to. Very satifsying that way. M

Yay for you! That's what we do, too. I don't buy gifts "on command" is how I put it. I don't want to ever be forced to go out and buy something for someone for a particular day -- there's more liklihood I'll buy them something they don't really need because I couldn't find anything to get them. No disappointment, and always surprises on unusual days when one of us buys the other something unrelated to an imposed holiday. I had too many stupid gifts when I was a child -- I particularly remember a needlepoint faceplate for my light switch, and I was NEVER a creative child. I just don't do it anymore.

Try the library. There's a great book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Excellent resource for any couple! There's also a version for finding out your kid's love languages. Anyhow, thought I'd throw that out there.

I requested no flowers, no card, no money spent (the budget is waaaay too snug these days!) and got "I love You"s and "Happy Valentine's Day"s all day yesterday. And we put the kids to bed early My Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Hubby's is Physical Touch. We are both happy!

Here are the 5 Languages:

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch.

Intriguing stuff. Just in case anyone is interested. I'm sorry VDay has been a bummer for some of you. (((((HUGS)))))

This is the best book I have ever read. When John and I were having issues I got this book and read it. My love language is QUALITY TIME & WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. Everyones is different. John's is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION & PHYSICAL TOUCH. I highly recommend this book. The kids one is great as well. I bought all my married kids the first book. I gave my daughters with kids the one for Kids. It has helped so much.

When you set your expectations HIGH for people expect to get them shattered. No one can live up to what we expect from each other.

My first marriage ended because we did not communicate EVER. He cheated. I never once asked him why? It takes two people to make a successful marriage or relationship work or to end it.

John and I communicate all the time what we want. Makes things much eaiser when you know what the other wants out of the relationship. After all we are NOT mind readers.

Yay for you! That's what we do, too. I don't buy gifts "on command" is how I put it. I don't want to ever be forced to go out and buy something for someone for a particular day -- there's more liklihood I'll buy them something they don't really need because I couldn't find anything to get them. No disappointment, and always surprises on unusual days when one of us buys the other something unrelated to an imposed holiday. I had too many stupid gifts when I was a child -- I particularly remember a needlepoint faceplate for my light switch, and I was NEVER a creative child. I just don't do it anymore.

Again..totally agree w/you..The day of surgery I had a plasma TV waiting for me in the bedroom (with all my favorite movies lined up) what a surprise!and depends...Thank the makers of depends!At my 10 lb. lost I got a tennis bracelet...and a victory lap(don't ask).

I need to ask a question that I fear will make people upset but I can't help myself. Please do not take this as a condemnation, but rather a sign of my ignorance.

How does it happen that one person can Marry another person that is so uninterested in the other persons needs. I could not have married someone who knows how much I like something and then refuse to do that thing for me.

I don't mean to judge, I believe that we choose our partners and they are who they are from the get go. You learn who they are after only a few dates. My wife and I have changed somewhat over the course of our 20 years but we are still largely the same people when it comes to our belief structure and our moral code.

I am sure you love your husband and that he has many good qualitys that made you fall in love with him. If that is true then what happens on Valentines day should be immaterial.

My DH and I have been married forever, 37 years, 38 in Nov. About 5 years ago, after years of exchanging gifts, only to be returned at a later date, we decided after this much time we'd just buy our own gifts, year round. It has been the biggest relief, I spent hours taking all that chit back that he bought, just so he could say he bought something. Now if I want it or he wants it we get it. I wish we'd done that from year one.

TommyO I think some couples are just blessed that away. My DH and I dated two weeks and then got married. We didn't necessarily know each other's favorite color or such in that time. But we did know each others heart. We have been married almost seventeen years now and my heart still thumps in joy when he gets home from work. M

He didn't even make coffee for me that morning like he usually does. He knew full well that it meant a lot to me. Oh well, some people are just insensitive jerks.

Well, that does not sound like insensitivity or "without a clue" behavior (often seen in both sexes) but like pure PASSIVE AGGRESSION. It's really a tough one to put your finger on or call someone on, but it IS real and for whatever reasons (resentment?) he DID want to hurt you.

I was married to an extreme Passive Aggressive personality for 17 years and it wasn't until I left him that I finally understood the aggressive portion of that. I have no real advice for you. Just want to tell you that you are not out of your mind, and you are not imagining things. A psychologist told me it is without a doubt the most difficult type of personality to deal with. It really helped me with the GUILT I felt getting a divorce to know it wasn't so much that I was a failure as that I had signed up for an impossible task.

There are some things communication can overcome and there are times to cut your losses. No matter how longing and lonely I may be at times I have NEVER been as lonely alone as I was in that marriage.