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Betrayal is a BITCH

Started by mumof2boys, May 15, 2008 12:23 PM
773 replies to this topic
773 replies to this topic


    Aspiring Evangelist

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Posted May 15, 2008 - 12:23 PM

OK...here goes nothing. I haven't posted in quite a while because I have been dealing with some real **** at home. A month ago I found out that my husband of almost 10 years has been having an affair for the last year and a half. :mad:That's right...while I was losing weight and looking great, that pig went out seeking an affair and here I was scared of how I would act after I started to get attention from others when I started to look nice. I am hurt:crying:, angry:mad2:, sad :cry_smile:, devastated:cursing:, sick and every other emotion (other than happy). I'm now on Xanax for my anxiety and I am completely obsessed with this crap. How can someone go out seeking an affair when they have a wife and two beautiful children? Do people care anymore? Do vows mean anything? What the hell is wrong with people? Of course now all of a sudden he wants the marriage to work. Well damn...you should have thought about that before porking the skank!!!! I want to freaken scream. I want to hurt them both. How the hell do people get on after things like this happen to them? Is it possible? We are in counseling, but should I even bother? Will he do it again? What about my kids? Damn...I need some serious help. This really sucks. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the chest pains and the anxiety. I want a fairy tale ended but unfortunately my marriage will NEVER be the same. I can never look at him the same way again. Do I give up and start my life over with my boys? Can someone wake me up from this horribe nightmare????? Why me? In the last year I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 10/12 and I have lost 106 pounds. I thought that my husband was proud of me and thought that I was looking good...guess not, huh? Joke's on me!!!


    Intermediate Member

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Posted May 15, 2008 - 12:37 PM

Tina, Im a 58 yr,old woman and I have been dealt the same cards as you. I look at it differently tho. First off his loss. Second off you have lost the weight which is part of your journey now learning alot about yourself and your marriage, move on. I did . People tell me all the time life is part of learning and unfortunately you have to go through alot of crap before you learn to take from that experience. Men have a different makeup than us women, I read the book Women are from Venus, Men from Mars great reading and learning men do not and will never have the same feelings as we, so if your looking for loyality, unconditonal love, and integrity look harder into thy self., or get a dog as a pet. I'm sorry for your findings out about him, but move on and dive within yourself and life goes on, you will be a much happier person. And as my mom use to say, what dirt goes in the wash comes out alot cleaner. Pat


    Info Gathering Mode

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Posted May 15, 2008 - 12:37 PM

Men are just unreal...

My ex cheated on me. I tried to make it work, but it didn't. Let your heart be your guide. No matter what, you'll get through it and you should continue to be so proud of what you have done for yourself and your health.

    gone 4 ever

    Bariatric Master

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Posted May 15, 2008 - 12:39 PM

Ok the joke is not on you, it is on him. He is probably scared that with a new you, you would go out hunting. He probably has no idea how to handle looking at a beautiful thin wife vs a beautiful heavey wife. He probably don't know how to handle other mens compliments to you and him. I do not condone what he has done. I have been on the same end as you, but he might be more scared of you than you. Hope this helps you a little. The counsling is a real good thing. Good luck with this situation, But no matter what DO NOT sabbotoge yourself and gain back your weight! Toughts and prayers are with you.


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Posted May 15, 2008 - 1:12 PM

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Looking at this from a different perpsective, my father had an affair with my best friends mom (who was also my mom's best friend) several years ago, I will share my experience. The affair ended up uncovering a lot of issues that were the reason why my dad felt the need/desire to have an affair. My parents at the time were very unhappy but never communicated it. This may not be the situation you're in, but the weight loss can be very hard for him. Your emotions are very similar to what my mom felt. She was crushed. My dad did come crawling back (his affair lasted over a year as well). After counseling and lots of prayer, my parents are back together and happier than they have ever been. It took a lot of time and they had to work through a lot of pain (b/c my dad was hurting too). It may not work out, it doesn't always turn out this way. I realize that. Don't give up on your marriage though, work through it if you can, especially for your boys. At the end, if things don't work out, atleast you can say that you made every attempt to uphold your vows. You know? I'm young, married only for a year in fact, so my opinion may not mean as much as someone else. I know this is coming from a very different perspective, but I can tell you what your children will feel. Good luck and if you ever need to rant, please feel free to send me a PM.


    Bariatric Evangelist

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Posted May 15, 2008 - 1:20 PM

The saddest part is, he took your life into jeopardy.. he was having an affair with this other woman.. she could have had herpes or aids or crabs or god knows what.. and he put your life at risk. There is nothing more sickening than somebody who does this. Even if you sought counseling you might never be able to have respect for him again.

Gone 4 Ever made a good point. He probably did this because he didn't know how to handle your weightloss and how you changed to be more confident... and men looking at you and stuff. This was how he handled his own insecurities instead of just communicating with you. I wonder if its a pretty common theme actually with other women who have lost a lot of weight.

In the end it will be how forgiving you are. If you do forgive him of this, then you will have to let it go fully and allow him to build that trust back up. It's hard, but I have seen it happen.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your boys. I wish you all the best sweetie.



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Posted May 15, 2008 - 1:37 PM

Tina, my heart goes out to you. I have a similar story, but the girlfriend was of FOUR years and there were others to boot. This crap went down 5-6 years ago, and when I found out, I had an affair out of revenge (I know it was wrong). We ended up in many months of counseling only to find out our marriage of 16 years at that time, had really been quite an emotional disaster. The good news is, we decided to put all of the cards on the table and got into the psychology of why affairs happen. Most men are afraid of strong women (no offense, guys). Your weight loss is a threat. Your attention to yourself takes attention away from him. Men love to be the Knight in Shining Armour, but you have been your own Knight with the decision you have made to change your life. SO, at my psych eval, all of this came out, and the counselor asked me if my husband was threatened by what I am about to do (May 23rd). He says no, but I KNOW he is. He already thinks I will leave when our daughter graduates in 2 years from high school, and to be honest, I have not yet made that decision but I am leaning toward staying right now. Our marriage is better than it ever was, but I do not NEED him anymore and he knows it. If it does not work out, I will be fine - but it took a very long time for me to come to that conclusion on my own. I stayed because of my kids, and the marriage is better than ever. I am stronger now and have a thick skin where he is concerned. I see you live in DC and I am in Richmond, VA. Maybe we could meet half way for lunch sometime. Part of what I now do in life is try to help other women make their way through crap like this and unlock their true potential...you have such a bright future and you look fantastic. Never let anyone torture you like this because no one is worth sacrificing yourself for. Live for YOU and your KIDS. If you want to give it a try, it can work, but it is now all about what you really want and what he really wants. Find out the real reason he had the affair. What was he looking for that he PERCEIVED was missing from home? Mine said he was her Knight in Shining Armour and she was not judgmental of him. Funny - when I met him he was MY Knight, but not anymore. I am my own Knight, and you will be yours. If you want to give me a call, e-mail and I will give you my number. Stay strong for yourself and your kids.


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Posted May 15, 2008 - 1:43 PM

I know how you feel. My EX husband cheated on me too! I guess it's a trend. I was devestated and we didn't have kids, so I know how you must be feeling. I can tell you that i too had lost some weight due to being depressed and was looking good and he wanted me back also. I tried it but i guess he came to his senses too late cause I had already moved on emotionally and realized I didn't love him anymore. Of course him prancing his new much younger ( and I was young myself) girlfriend in my face at my job kinda helped me to fall out of love with him. The only real advise I can give is listen to your heart, it will tell you what to do. Trying to work it out with counseling is a big help and if it doesn't work out you will always know you given it your all. I commend you for your effort and wish you the very best in whatever you decide. And one last piece of advise....ONLY TIME CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER AND HEAL YOUR BROKEN HEART. And if it doesn't work out......like they said above, his loss. You now have lost 106lbs!!!!! and that is wonderful!!!! Begin your new life with your kids and enjoy and embrace it. Maybe this was meant to be and you are destined to do something great with your life.



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Posted May 15, 2008 - 1:44 PM

I stayed in a marriage for 26 yrs because of my boys and because I thought my ex would change. After the first time he cheated on me I should of left, but I didn't. It wasn't until I finally realized he never really loved me because then he never would have cheated me. How do you do something like that to someone you love?
I am now remarried to a wonderful man who not only respects me but listens to me. I did forgive my ex husband for the affairs he had, but I never forgot. Though you two are going through counseling, just remember, that he is is the one with the problem.
Once satisfaction I did when I found out about the last affair in 1987...I let all my anger out and practically beat the **** out of him. That was the day I stopped loving him and he knoew it. Good luck!!!My thoughts and prayers are with you!!



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Posted May 15, 2008 - 2:02 PM

Am I the first male to comment??...
I can not understand why people cheat.. especially when have built a family and a foundation.
I would LOVE to have another partner.... I have 3 girls and I lost my wife to cancer at age 38... I'm still on my own and it wretches me when I hear stories like yours... cancer is a horrible disease but I stuck with her to the end... NOTHING comes before your family!
Dump and go on and you wil find someone.....

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