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Betrayal is a BITCH



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Don't feel alone....I am in that same situation RIGHT NOW. I have only been married going on 3 years and no children.....but I feel just like you do. I've even thought of having an affair out of revenge but felt I am too good for that. My husband is immature...is a liar til the end (unless you put proof in his face).....and takes little to no responsibility for his actions. We did couples counseling for a while but he felt like he was being ganged up on (cause his thought process is so whack!) so now are are going separately and hopefully it will go back to together. I have seen this turn into a great marriage after all of the issues are worked out and worked on, and I have seen it turn into a divorce and happy lives separately. If you need someone to talk to or to vent with pick me, pick me! LOL I am exactly where you are minus some minor details. One thing I can say is please don't stay "for the kids' sake". It ends up worse for them than if you split if the marriage is truly unhealthy. But my philosophy is please give it your best shot and make sure if a split is what you need because I know God does not like divorce except under extreme circumstances, so I have learned to have more faith and patience. Like someone else said, I am realizing now that I don't NEED him yet I know and he says often that he NEEDS me. Which leads me to say if you need me why f$#@ someone else.....but that is just rage. Women and men display their hurt differently, and some people just have affairs to fill voids either from their partner or from themselves b/c of a lack of coping skill. I will be checking on you....P.S. I cry all the time. And I found out in January....

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People who I know (or know of) who've cheated, have always done it more than once. I have a very strong philosophy that for the most part, it's a behavior not just "something that happened" (although that's a bad excuse too). If my husband cheated on me, I would have a VERY hard time trying to trust him again, and I would probably just take myself out of the situation where I risk going through the same thing a 2nd time.

I hope that you find your answer...

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I feel so sorry for you.

I was together with my ex for 13 years. I thought everything was good. I too was hit 'out of the blue' with the revelation of the affair. It took me several years to get over it. Oddly enough, the confession was phrased with the opening words " I love you, and want to be honest with you"...and then the truth almost destroyed me. Yeah, right. Honest about the affair AFTER it was over. What about the frikin' honesty before and during...how about then???

Counselling - I strongly recommend it but NOT to save the marriage, but to help you deal with betrayal. Only after you deal with your pain, can you possibly deal with the marriage...and then, only if you want it. My belief is that someone who cheats is no different than someone who beats animals or humans...if they do it once, they will do it again. Maybe I am wrong; unfortunately in every single instance that I know of (and sadly I know way too many), the betrayer has done it a second or third time...sometimes not until years later but inevitably they do.

Do not stay in the marriage 'because of the kids'...the kids will sense the falsity of what you are doing, become confused etc. You can have a stable healthy relationship with the children, as can their father, without being 'married'. Children are amazingly resilient...yes they will be confused upset etc, but staying together because of the kids perpetuates the lies.

Be strong.

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Ugh...my heart aches for you just hearing your story. They rank this type of pain/grief up there with death. But in my opinion, this is worst than death because you still have to LIVE with it!!I know you feel like the pain will never go away and your life will never be the same, but I PROMISE YOU, the pain WILL go away and your life will get better. You have to continue to go through the emotions and give yourself time to grieve. Your pain is too severe for you to be making any final decisions. I hope you are doing one-on-one counseling in addition to the couples counseling. You need to let your friends and family (and us here at LBT) nurture you, love you, and remind you of what a beautiful and amazing woman you are. You need to know that no matter what happens...you will always be an incredible Mom to your kids. You won't get all the answers right away, but over time you will. For now, just let the ones who love you most catch your fall. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this excruciating pain and know that everyone on this board is here to support you.

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A wonderful and supportive(and informative) web resource is

survivinginfidelity.com

Just like we can come here to LBT and receive support from those "in the know" they can offer you support through their own experiences.

The most important thing this minute is for you to take care of YOU. You might not be able to sleep, eat etc...

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Actually, I have already joined survivinginfidelity.com...that's why I haven't been here in a while. I can't stop crying today and I can't get rid of this anger...I hate this so much!!!!

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Mum,

Follow your heart, and pray. If God led you to it, he will lead you through it. Please believe that. Good luck to you in this lap band journey and especially with your marriage. I will keep you, your husband, and your boys in my prayers.

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Tina~I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts.

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(((BIG HUGS)))

i hate that you are going through this! i've been there, i was married for 10 yrs to a cheating, drug addicted, abusive a$$! i was so codependent, it took me 10 years to leave him and only then it was for my daughter, i did not want her to grow up to marry someone like her dad and that convinced me she was not going to grow up with him in the house.

I think right now you are doing the right thing, you aren't jumping to any rash decisions, you are seeking counseling. but in your first post you stated "I thought that my husband was proud of me and thought that I was looking good...guess not, huh? Joke's on me!!!" Don't think like that, you are looking good, he's just a man that doesnt realize he's got a good thing and gave into a weakness. I am not defending him by any means! but it is not your fault!

My daughter was my strength. i had 2 boys with thier dad, then after 10 yrs of marriage found out that the baby i was having was a girl. i knew i didnt want her growing up in the same atmosphere as the boys did. many girls grow up and marry men like thier fathers, if my daughter did, i would probably kill the guy. the day after the sonogram i told her dad, you either change now, or i am leaving. by the time she was a year old, we were divorced. i regret i wasnt strong enough for my boys to do it sooner, but then i wouldnt have my daughter. i never wanted my boys to go through a divorce (after seeing the pain my nephews went thru because of a divorce) but the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to us.

it was extremely hard as a single mom, once the 4 of us were even homeless for 4 months, but i worked us through it. Now i am remarried, but i have trust issues, it affects my relationship now, thankfully hubby is patient.

personally i've never heard of a cheater who only did it once. i work around a lot of people who have been married for more than 30-40 years, i always want to ask them if there was ever any infidelity, to see if they worked through it. but i don't think thats something most people are open to discuss. (also, back then, it was kinda expected to work through it)

i wish you luck, and confidence and strength. we are here for you!

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Well...the weekend went alright until last night when I started again with my out of the blue crying. I think that I'm falling into a deep depression and it's killing me. I can't believe that he has done this to me. I never expected such behavior from him. I truly thought that this is the one thing that I would never have to worry about. Does the pain ever go away? Does it ever get better? Anyone out there go through this and have their marriage work? I have told him that one of two things will happen. 1) Divorce or 2) the best, most honest, kick-ass marriage on the planet. Damn...this sucks.

I truly appreciate everyones support. I will not let this break me. Either way I will come out a stronger person and I will have a wonderful life...with or without him in it. All good wishes and prayers and welcome!!!

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I had a similar situation happen and things can work out if that is what you want. My initial step was a divorce and 6 months later and lots of soul searching and counseling together and apart we remarried and have been together since. Married in 91, divorced in 96, and remarried in 97. That is not to say that it has been a cake walk but it is so much better. There is more to my story but I won't bore everyone with the details but you can email me privately if you want to talk.

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I am still going through rebuilding, or trying to reconcile, and it is very difficult. But at least now my husband is putting in more effor to correct things he has done and improve his outlook to what it needs to be. The pain does get "better" but as for me it's been 4 months and of course it doesn't go away. I joined SI too and I find a lot of good articles and people in similar situations which ended in all kinds of ways. I do know that any way it ends will be difficult, but not the end of your life. Make sure to have individual counseling to work on YOU....and your perspective will be sad, but not as depressed if that maeks sense. IM me if you need to talk!

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The best thing you can do is go to counseling and learn to forgive. Once that is done then your marriage will be stronger. It happened to me 2 years ago and our marriage has never been stronger. Good luck.

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So sorry for your pain. Like most everyone here, I went through it, but thankfully had no kids. We ended up divorced after 7 years of marriage. I wanted to make it work so badly, but he refused to quit seeing her (and they worked together!) and resisted counseling, so I went by myself. The shrink finally told me that my head was in the right place and his wasn't, and hinted that my X wasnt worth it. I really hated the sense of "failure" I felt. I'm so glad we didnt have kids. Now I'm married to a wonderful man and have 3 great kids. If I wouldn't have gone through my divorce, I probably would never have met my current husband. Having kids now, I could not IMAGINE doing anything to jepordize our family!

I know its what everyone's telling you, but wether or not you get back together, it will take time for you to heal. And HE is the one who did this so HE has to deal with whatever you need him to do to regain trust.

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