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Betrayal is a BITCH



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WHAT A JOURNEY !! Congratulations on your new life !! The weight will come back off :-) goodluck as you go back through the weightloss journey. !

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Hi there everyone. I had quite a devastating week last week and I thought that I would tell you all about it. I posted all about it under the General forum but here goes...

I returned to work last Monday after my maternity leave. Things were going well and I was very excited to head to the doctor on Thursday to start getting fills again. Well...got a blow to the gut...was told that they have to remove my band FOREVER because I have a hiatal hernia and my band is not in the correct place. I cried my eyes out because I am terrified. I am currently considering a second opinion...

Then...on Saturday I received news that my Oncologist suddently died on Thursday. I am beside myself. This doctor was not just a doctor, he was my friend. I trusted him with my life (literally). He was amazing and helped me through the most difficult time in my life. I feel lost and I cannot believe that he is gone. I just saw him on July 31 and I am so very happy that he got to meet my baby. He was by far the best doctor that I have ever encountered in my life. His bedside manner was beyond words and the care that he gave his patients was amazing. I know that nobody will ever be able to fill his shoes.

So...now, not only do I face looking for another lapband doctor but also another Oncologist...I wish I could turn back the hands of time...

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Sorry you are going through this. Try to stay positive and strong for you and your kids first. This is exactly what's happening to one of my best friends. She has been married for 10 years and her husband left her while she was in the hospital fighting for her life. The Last couple of years they have been through a lot financially. He blamed her for them losing there home, car, etc. but she never thought he would cheat or want a divorce. So when they lost there house they moved in with friends and her husband ended up cheating with one of their roommates. She forgave him and they moved out, to their own apartment. So for a year they were ok so she thought, well she fell extremely ill. She had emergency surgery, almost lost her life about 3 months ago and is still struggling to get well, they just told her she most likely has cancer. She doesn't work, is 90 lbs, losing her hair and fighting for her life and this Bastard files for divorce! He leaves her with nothing! No money, food, phone, and no where to live (he moved out while she was in hospital). I am so devastated for her! I think the same how can you be with someone 10 years, share, Love, do all the things ppl do when there married and you leave your wife in her worst time of need! I must say though she is strong and is getting through, emotionally anyway. She said she would never be with him again and is closes this chapter. So I hope my friends story helps you, your not alone. You both can get through this. Stay strong! Best wishes!

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I'm going to stick my neck out fully understanding that I may take a few hits, maybe that is what I need? Following Tina's story has been an eye opener for me. While I have not chosen to go outside my marriage (yet), I have begun to have a wandering eye. The spark, the tenderness, everything that made our relationship what it was, feels gone now. My wife and I don't hate each other, we have minor spats now and then, but we just don’t love each other. We barely manage to get along, with very little cooperation in our day to day lives. In that lack of love is where I feel the most alone and find myself looking at other women now and wondering if that connection that I long for can be found with them.

Maybe I am getting ahead of myself here and should include a little background. Married two years, together a total of four, two (AWESOME) kids.

I have a lot to lose, which is never far from my mind. Following Tina certainly drives home just how much pain and suffering a betrayal such as this can cause, not just my wife but my kids. It doesn't seem possible that a person could knowingly inflict this much pain on another. I wonder if a lot of cheating husbands are like me, in that it isn't the sex that they want, it is the intimacy/connection. It occurs to me that it would be highly unlikely that any real intimacy could exist in an adulterous relationship. Yet somehow that draw is still there. I don't want to cheat, but I do want to feel connected, like there is an "us" rather than "you" and "me."

My parents divorced when I was in high school, and I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to my kids. I've broached the idea of marriage counseling to my wife, she was not receptive. I continue to believe that we need outside help to straighten ourselves out and will probably revisit the idea of counseling in the future. In the mean time it is very difficult battling the loneliness. On those bad days when we are more adversary than couple, and I pass by a nice woman who might politely smile as I walk past, I think to myself is the grass greener on the other side?

It bothers me that I can relate to those cheating husbands. I’ve always felt (passionately) that adultery was one of the scummiest things one human could do to another. I’m ashamed that I could find any sort of connection with people who would do this. Reading through this post before I hit the submit button I realize that I have painted my wife as the primary evil doer. She is not. In an almost creepy coincidence it seems as though every complaint that I have for her can be echoed in my own actions. If we are both exhibiting the same negative attitudes, then it would make sense that one of us might be able to break the cycle. Sadly, this is not the case. For a period of time one of us will make attempts to bridge the gap only to be met with indifference on the part of the other. We just can’t quite get our souls lined up. I wonder if she looks at other men and asks herself, is the grass is greener?

Tina-

I will continue to follow your experience. Most notably the steps you and your husband took to repair the damage, in the hope of avoiding a disaster of my own. Considering my attitudes towards cheating I find your road toward recovery nothing short of miraculous. By all means a testament to your character and love for your children.

Tina,

I never crossed that line, but my wife did. Now I know exactly how much it hurts to be betrayed.

As I mentioned earlier Bonnie and I spent 6 years of our marriage with very little love and interest between each other. I was certainly frustrated and often wondered what it would be like to be with other women, not just sexually but to be “in love.” During the first 4 years of our marriage I was always interested in sex, and often frustrated because I couldn’t get Bonnie to sleep with me more than once every couple of months. It felt like she had sex with me to appease me, not like she actually wanted me. Then when I finally quit wanting sex (because it was painful to ask and I was so resentful of the poor state of our relationship), Bonnie becomes interested. She would make sexually leading comments and try to initiate sex, but there was still no improvement in our relationship. Because of this I didn’t have any desire to be with her at all. I know this bothered her, but how could I sleep with someone who constantly made me feel so bad?

One evening Bonnie asks to talk about “us” so we sit down and she informs me that she would like me to move out while we seek marital counseling. I didn’t understand why I had to move out. Isn’t the person that wants to be separated supposed to be the one to move out? I felt like I was being punished and that I was the one at fault for our problems. I told her I didn’t see my moving out as an option and that I felt that separation doesn’t solve anything. If we were going to work on our problems then we needed to work on them together.

The next day I ended up not going to work, mostly because I was so upset by the notion of separation. When I got home I got to wondering why all of a sudden she wanted a separation. I began to think about how much time she has been spending with a guy friend from work and how she texts him constantly. I’m a fairly trusting person by nature, but even this caused me to wonder. I told myself to trust her, because Bonnie needs good friends. Well my insecurity won out and I looked at her email. To my horror I found that she had hidden a bunch of love letters from her boyfriend, describing their kissing, holding each other, and professing his never ending love for her. Strangely there was nothing from her, which means she was trying to be sneaky and delete her sent items. Except she missed one where she wrote to him stating, “I want you darling! You are a blessing in my life. Sweetest dreams Darling.” Even writing this my feel a huge weight of pain on my heart.

How could she do this? How could a person be so cruel? I was crushed, I still am. I feel so worthless, so lied to.

That evening I confronted her with her adultery. At first she just sat there calmly and didn’t say much, only that he made her feel beautiful and loved. As if to say it was my fault that she did this. I told her I don’t feel beautiful and loved, but I haven’t gone out and betrayed her. As the discussion moved on Bonnie became upset an professed to dump her boyfriend and work on our marriage. I actually felt renewed hope for the future. We even made love that night. How stupid I feel looking back on that and thinking we would be ok!

The next month consisted of weekly counseling sessions. I would leave these sessions energized. I felt like there was a chance that we could not only repair the damage, but having the kind of marriage I’ve always dreamed of. Except, Bonnie wasn’t buying it. She would ask me, “What’s the point?” I wouldn’t know what to say, the point is obvious, can’t she see that? I felt affectionate towards her, but she was distant and standoffish. One day she told me, “Saving our marriage for the sake of the kids isn’t a good enough reason.” What? Not good enough? Saving our marriage for the kids isn’t only good enough it’s one of the best reasons there is. I knew right then, that it was over.

http://carryonbrad.wordpress.com/

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OK...here goes nothing. I haven't posted in quite a while because I have been dealing with some real **** at home. A month ago I found out that my husband of almost 10 years has been having an affair for the last year and a half. :mad:That's right...while I was losing weight and looking great' date=' that pig went out seeking an affair and here I was scared of how I would act after I started to get attention from others when I started to look nice. I am hurt:crying:, angry:mad2:, sad :cry_smile:, devastated:cursing:, sick and every other emotion (other than happy). I'm now on Xanax for my anxiety and I am completely obsessed with this crap. How can someone go out seeking an affair when they have a wife and two beautiful children? Do people care anymore? Do vows mean anything? What the hell is wrong with people? Of course now all of a sudden he wants the marriage to work. Well damn...you should have thought about that before porking the skank!!!! I want to freaken scream. I want to hurt them both. How the hell do people get on after things like this happen to them? Is it possible? We are in counseling, but should I even bother? Will he do it again? What about my kids? Damn...I need some serious help. This really sucks. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the chest pains and the anxiety. I want a fairy tale ended but unfortunately my marriage will NEVER be the same. I can never look at him the same way again. Do I give up and start my life over with my boys? Can someone wake me up from this horribe nightmare????? Why me? In the last year I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 10/12 and I have lost 106 pounds. I thought that my husband was proud of me and thought that I was looking good...guess not, huh? Joke's on me!!![/quote']

"...the face of destiny or luck or God that gives us war also gives other kinds of pain: the loss of health and youth, the loss of loved ones, the fear that we will end our days alone. Some people suffer in peace the way others suffer in war. The special gift of that suffering...is how to be strong while we are weak, how to be brave when we are afraid, how to be wise in the mist of confusion, and how to let go of that which we can no longer hold. In this way, anger can teach forgiveness, hate can teach us love, and war can teach us peace." Le Ly Hayslip, When Heaven and Earth Changed Places

I was once told by a friend that you can not make a decision when your heart doesn't agree with your mind. It's easy for people to share what they have or would do. Only you know what you truly want. You are in my prayers. I can not imagine how you are feeling. It will get better.

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Emily's Dad...reading your comment brought back many, many emotions...ones that I never want to feel again...I am so very sorry that you are going through what I once went through. Betrayal by your spouse is the worse feeling in the world. Like you, my husband and I did not get along...in fact there were several times that I asked him to leave. He was mean to me and constantly put me down. In fact, following the birth of our second child he told me, "You have gained weight and I find myself not attracted to you anymore"...let me say this to you...life does go on...you will get through this...you will have a rollarcoaster of emotions. One minute you are full of hate, the next you are loving and then you are angry...oh, I feel so terrible for you. I am now engaged to be remarried to an absolutely WONDERFUL man but I have to admit...I am scared to death to get married again. I know that I should not fault anyone for my ex husbands behavior but it is very hard.

Losingit919...I thank you for your kind words...this post is from 2008 and since that time I have gotten divorced, engaged and just had a baby...so, acutally now I should be renamed to "mumof3boys"...it has been a very tough road but I have managed through all of the obstacles, including kicking breast cancers ass in 2010.

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This has happened to me too.If men are unhappy in a marriage, Why oh why don't they sit us down and tell us they want out before they cheat??? It would hurt yes, but finding out that your husband is cheating on you hurts a hell of a lot more.

I'm not sure if he is still in the home but if he is, and this may sound extreme but, make him move out for a year or until he has proved to you that he is serious about wanting to make it work. You will know in your heart if he means it.

Good Luck to you.

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Hi there folks...just checking in to say hello. My baby turned 6 months old today...time is flying but the scales are staying the same and I'm very depressed about it. I know that I'm not doing what I should do and I just can't seem to get motivated. I'm so tired by the time that I finally get home from work, fix dinner, help the older kids with homework, feed the baby, give him a bath, and then put him to bed then it's time for me to go to bed. I know that I need to stop with excuses. I will be calling to make an appointment for another fill soon. I have no restriction and I think that if I just felt a little restriction that I would get motivated. Wish me luck folks..several of you guys have been with me through thick and thin (literally) times and I sure do need you guys now. I don't get on here much anymore...I'm addicted to FB but I will make it a point to get on here every day so that I can chat with you guys. I hope you all are doing well.

Thanks for all of your support throughout the years :-)

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