SEX, SEX, SEX!!!

[MNgirl1234 40]

Hello all!!! I am 2 years out from BPD-DS and in maintenance. I started out at over 400 lbs and in the 150's now. I am healthier, happier and just overall doing well.....except for the intimacy department. I've been married for 12 years. My husband is obese and he was not terribly supportive of my decision to have surgery. He now thinks I'm too skinny and will sometimes make comments about my loose skin or the fact that I'm not the girl he married (physically), my breasts are practicallynon-existant. Now onto the sex----I have a very healthy sexual appetite, especially now post surgery. I'm 36 and enjoy physical intimacy, touching, and feeling connected. The husband is hardly interested in having sex at all anymore and at first I tried to look past that, but it's becoming harder and harder. I don't think I'm unattractive...but the fact that he doesn't initiate or show intimacy is really wearing on our marriage. I have tried to initiate sex 3 times this week and have been ignored each time. I don't know what to do!!! I love my husband, but I cannot spend the rest of my life with that lack of intimacy. 

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[Recidivist 801]

This is not an issue that can be resolved from comments on this board. The two of you need to get couples counseling to understand and work through the root cause(s) of the intimacy issues in your relationship. I wish you luck!

[New&Improved 1,756]

Could be multiple issues.. maybe he's attracted to larger ppl. Maybe he's just not a sexual person. Maybe he's jealous of your new body.

But you really need to have a Frank discussion with him

[WInston223322 156]

I agree can not be handled here - But as a guy my view is he is being selfish and Jealouse - You marry the person for who they are not what they look like! My x wife is still large, and we do have a physical relationship still. I am not going to say i do not notice he weight but i let it pass and I realize I care and married her for who she is not what she looks like. She is the mother of my children and I have been with her for 25 years, Now she is going to get the surgery after the Covid Nightmare is over. Of Course another bill for Me! but what she looks like does not matter to me I just want her healthy and Happy

You both need a counselor ASAP -

[BayougirlMrsS 3,443]

@MNgirl1234 I experienced the same thing years ago. We were married for 26 years. The last 5-6 were hell. When we first got together i was about 100#.... (5'2") So i was very tiny. I started gaining in my 30ies and put on 132#. In my mind the reason we stopped having sex was my weight. I now know that it was not. I thought if i only lost weight he would find me attractive again and want to be with me.... NOPE. If anything it got worse. He would say the most horrible things after i lost 89#. I was too thin, my face wasn't pretty anymore because you could see some wrinkles, I looked like a "bag of bones"..... and of course i was losing weight to "find another man".... I could stand naked in front of him and he would look around me or tell me to move. It was devastating...... I started getting attention from other men/woman and it became intoxicating.... I was finally getting the praise and reassurance... but not from the ONE person i wanted it from..... We only had sex maybe 1-2 times a year. I was starved for affection, as i am a very touchy person.... I craved attention from him in every way. The last few years i strayed from my marriage. I told him that i needed him, needed attention, needed affection, and yes..... NEEDED SEX. Honestly, i was "self-satisfying" every day. He didn't care..... so i told him, if he didn't i would find someone who would.... and i did.

Not saying it was the right thing to do..... but what's done is done and i own up to it. We tried counseling, but honestly, it was too late... I had shut down and checked out.

We divorced...... I dated..... I found the love of my life. Happier than i have ever been. I think i was around 47-48ish when i decided i was not going to live the next half of my life like that.... so i "got off the pot" so to speak.... so glad i did.

[Matt Z 4,119]

First and foremost you need to tell him Everything you need and want to, doesn't matter if he wants to hear it or not, you NEED to tell him how you feel, stick with I statements. I feel this way when this. I feel this way when that. Keep them pointed at you, so he doesn't feel attacked and shut down before you can even get started.

Do not be afraid to tell him that he's going to end up pushing you away.

You said he's overweight too, odds are he's jealous of your progress, how you are (I'm sure) feeling MUCH better, more energy, more attention from others. He's more than likely upset that he feels he's being left behind. But all of that is on him not you.
You are not and will never be responsible for anyone other than your own reactions. If he's upset, that's for him to figure out why, is he upset that you are losing weight? If so... that's not your problem or fault or responsibility to fix for him.

My wife and I have been married for almost 22 years now.
I've known my wife was bi for 23+ years.
It wasn't until a good 5 years into our marriage that she finally "saw" it as well.
I got fat... almost 400 ish (sitting at 190ish now)
I knew that I wasn't providing her the things she needed to feel "complete" or "fulfilled" sexually.
I handled the Male side of things ok, but I got a lot of "not now, I don't feel good" etc, I constantly felt like I was being pushed away. When we started opening our relationship up, we talked.... a lot. Who wanted what, why, what were the rules, boundaries, etc. We had long, very embarrassing discussions. But in the end, we both knew where we were and what was needed to keep each of us "happy" together.
The idea wasn't to replace, it was to fill in.
I could never be a woman, even with things being hidden by fat and having breasts... I'm not woman and never will be, so, in my mind, how can I be mad at her for wanting what I can't provide. So rules in hand we started to go out and meet people, together.
I pushed her to go dance and be playful and to have fun. At first she was afraid I would be left out, and I knew I would be. And I was. But she had her time, I got some time too with a few but for the most part, it was all for her.

Then I lost the weight.
The wife was never really THAT big, she did hit 170-190 ish at one point, but that was because the whole house was eating like crap.
I lost weight and so did she.
We started working out together.
We started getting more attention from others as well.

My big issue is that, she reacts to me the way I would react when I was big. I was unhappy with myself, super self conscious, hated myself and lashed out a lot. She was reacting to the old me, not the new me. That spun some new deep convos, one we still work on.

We met our current girlfriend back in October. At first she was really into the wife, but also interested in me, but as she was more gay than bi, it was the wife she was found of, but that slowly changed, our GF had some issues with past trauma from other GFs, so I because this shelter, and the roles that my wife and I dealth with for years, reversed. Now she's the one that feels left out or pushed aside, not that she is, just that, that's how she feels. So more and more long awkward open convos and things are so much better.

I think the take away is, open up and talk. Drop your most uncomfortable information right in his lap and let him deal with it.
Most men were brought up not to express ANY emotion or weakness. I've worked hard to push past that, I know that if I"m upset, I'm allowed to be upset. I cry, I get emotional, I get sad and pissed. I get needy and want to feel loved or want to feel desired. I know that a lot of my control issues come from lack of control and other things from my past, but, the 3 of us talk often. We sit down and discuss things. We have gotten to the point where one of us can request "private time" with the other and no one gets upset about it.

It's been very VERY hard. All the body issues I face, control issues I face, jealousy, envy, etc.
All gets sorted when talk.
Not to say that you'll talk and it'll end up great for the 2 of you, but as some have pointed out above, sometimes we change and no longer fit with our spouse. And there really isn't anything wrong with that. Humans grown, change and evolve. You've made a drastic evolution. Why is he upset? Only he knows for sure.

Good luck and congrats on the loss! You look like you feel MUCH better!

[NikkiOwl 24]

Hi MN. I don’t like to say things like this board can’t help you because I think as adults we all know that already. Of course you won’t find a magic answer here. What you might find is some venting and ideas. For instance, do you think he might be scared you will leave him now that you are feeling so good? I know my husband has said he worries I will want to leave for something new and shuts down. Like others, definitely talk heart to heart and look into counseling. One other thing might be low testosterone? Best of luck!

[BayougirlMrsS 3,443]

Wow..... @Matt Z You do know you are not the norm.... most men would not be able to handle things as well as you did.... Prop to you.

[ms.sss 8,431]

2 hours ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

Wow..... @Matt Z You do know you are not the norm.... most men would not be able to handle things as well as you did.... Prop to you.

+1