can someone please help me understand my husband?

[thewifehere 1]

When I met my husband in 2007 he was 22, super fit, very muscular, and weighed 190 pounds at 6'0" tall. He was chubby as a child, raised by his dad and didn't grow up in a healthy eating household. He lost weight in high school, gained it back early college, then lost weight again at the end when I met him. Fast forward to now and over the past decade he's eaten too much bad food, drank too much beer, had too much life stress and work stress and now weighs 300 pounds (BMI 40.7 btw). He's talked for years about wanting to lose weight, he'll low carb for a little bit and have some success but then falls off the wagon and feels bad for himself and decides to 'start tomorrow' or keep putting it off. This has been frustrating for me to say the least. I've had his 3 kids, love to be active, and truly enjoy eating and cooking healthy and making good food choices. I weigh the very same I did when I met him (115 pounds at 5'3" tall) and have always cared about staying healthy.

We are in a rough spot in our marriage right now because of many stressors, one of which is this weight issue. It's not so much the weight as it is the reason for the weight, the constant procrastination, the food and beer that he put ahead of our marriage for so long. I know he's unhappy, so why does he eat almost an entire pizza in one sitting tonight? He always TALKS about wanting to be healthy, but then does the opposite. I just cannot understand it. He had a Protein Shake for Breakfast, cooked a healthy 'hello fresh' meal for lunch, and then had that pizza for dinner.

I feel awful for even posting this, I know this is his journey but at the same time I have feelings too and my feelings are that I want to be with someone who has the same values that I do, cares about being healthy for his children and me in the long term, cares about his appearance, cares about his food choices.

I brought up the lap band to him last week saying I thought it was something he should look into and consider, at the time I thought it was something temporary he could put in, lose the weight, and then take out when he got to where he wanted to be. Now I'm learning that's not the case and I've discouraged him from WLS. Truly if he could just do Keto like he always says he wants to do, actually STICK with keto and making good choices then I KNOW he could do it, I know that if he'd just commit to the lifestyle change that he could accomplish his goal. But now he's saying he wants to do the lap band so it forces him. And I worry this is a recipe for disaster. If he doesn't have the will power to commit to keto on a daily basis I worry that something like WLS will throw him further into a depression because it's such a permanent choice.

I don't know how to properly support him. I want him to lose weight because I know he will be SO MUCH happier in literally every aspect of his life. But why can't he just choose to do something like keto, stick with something. Do I support this WLS idea? I just don't know. I don't want him to be unhappy and miserable forever. And at the same time I want my healthy fit husband that I married 11 years ago.

Edit: he wants the band for a year only so he can lose the 100 lbs by following the protocol to the T and then take it out and maintain by being super diligent with his diet and exercise. He says 'he's done it before' twice once in HS and once in college and knows he can, but wants the 'sure thing' with the lap band forcing him to lose that 100 lbs.

Edited March 1, 2020 by thewifehere

[AZhiker 2,251]

37 minutes ago, thewifehere said:

When I met my husband in 2007 he was 22, super fit, very muscular, and weighed 190 pounds at 6'0" tall. He was chubby as a child, raised by his dad and didn't grow up in a healthy eating household. He lost weight in high school, gained it back early college, then lost weight again at the end when I met him. Fast forward to now and over the past decade he's eaten too much bad food, drank too much beer, had too much life stress and work stress and now weighs 300 pounds (BMI 40.7 btw). He's talked for years about wanting to lose weight, he'll low carb for a little bit and have some success but then falls off the wagon and feels bad for himself and decides to 'start tomorrow' or keep putting it off. This has been frustrating for me to say the least. I've had his 3 kids, love to be active, and truly enjoy eating and cooking healthy and making good food choices. I weigh the very same I did when I met him (115 pounds at 5'3" tall) and have always cared about staying healthy.

We are in a rough spot in our marriage right now because of many stressors, one of which is this weight issue. It's not so much the weight as it is the reason for the weight, the constant procrastination, the food and beer that he put ahead of our marriage for so long. I know he's unhappy, so why does he eat almost an entire pizza in one sitting tonight? He always TALKS about wanting to be healthy, but then does the opposite. I just cannot understand it. He had a Protein Shake for Breakfast, cooked a healthy 'hello fresh' meal for lunch, and then had that pizza for dinner.

I feel awful for even posting this, I know this is his journey but at the same time I have feelings too and my feelings are that I want to be with someone who has the same values that I do, cares about being healthy for his children and me in the long term, cares about his appearance, cares about his food choices.

I brought up the lap band to him last week saying I thought it was something he should look into and consider, at the time I thought it was something temporary he could put in, lose the weight, and then take out when he got to where he wanted to be. Now I'm learning that's not the case and I've discouraged him from WLS. Truly if he could just do Keto like he always says he wants to do, actually STICK with Keto and making good choices then I KNOW he could do it, I know that if he'd just commit to the lifestyle change that he could accomplish his goal. But now he's saying he wants to do the lap band so it forces him. And I worry this is a recipe for disaster. If he doesn't have the will power to commit to keto on a daily basis I worry that something like WLS will throw him further into a depression because it's such a permanent choice.

I don't know how to properly support him. I want him to lose weight because I know he will be SO MUCH happier in literally every aspect of his life. But why can't he just choose to do something like keto, stick with something. Do I support this WLS idea? I just don't know. I don't want him to be unhappy and miserable forever. And at the same time I want my healthy fit husband that I married 11 years ago.

Edit: he wants the band for a year only so he can lose the 100 lbs by following the protocol to the T and then take it out and maintain by being super diligent with his diet and exercise. He says 'he's done it before' twice once in HS and once in college and knows he can, but wants the 'sure thing' with the lap band forcing him to lose that 100 lbs.

Have him watch "The Game Changers" on Netflix or YouTube. It might give you new food for thought. Let me know what you think and I will have another suggestion.

[thewifehere 1]

I’ve already tried that 😭 we turned it off half way through because he kept arguing it was propaganda. We’d recently watched Forks over Knives and I was sold on WFPB. He’s not. He believes in Keto.

[Xx1jpt5xx 93]

You sound exactly like my wife. Are you my wife?

When I met my wife I was in decent shape. I had lost about 160lbs over 2 years and kept it off for almost 10. Then one day I hurt myself and gained it all back and have been struggling the last 3 with chronic pain.

My wife has been against me having wls. Says I should have been able to lose the weight normally like everyone else. Called me a coward. Said things like you must not love your family if you wont even do it for them.

But that's not how it works. Would you tell someone with a drug problem to just man up and quit or would you get them professional help?

[Hop_Scotch 1,625]

You don't actually know for sure that losing weight will make your husband happier. Weight gain and lack of weight loss/yo-yo dieting can happen for complex reasons...significant overeating, unhealthy eating, yo-you dieting etc can sometimes be symptoms of something else that going on in someone's life that is more to do with emotions and mental health.

You can't force your husband to lose weight and you can't force him to want to. You can explain to him that you love him and want him healthy so as he can enjoy a long and healthy life with you, your children and grandchildren...but he is going to have want to do it himself, its then you can support him.

I am not entirely sure you understand how hard it is to make life style changes that stick long enough to make long term sustainable changes. A diet mentality isn't going to work...that's why we are all here.

Is he suffering with depression? If so, that needs to be treated appropriately. Can the work pressures be dealt with? Different role and/or employer?

Having a partner with different values can be frustrating for both, seems to me you both may need counselling sessions together and your own separate sessions, see if there is a middle ground that is a win/win for both.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Hop_Scotch

[Hop_Scotch 1,625]

1 hour ago, thewifehere said:

I’ve already tried that 😭 we turned it off half way through because he kept arguing it was propaganda. We’d recently watched Forks over Knives and I was sold on WFPB. He’s not. He believes in Keto.

Regardless of what side of the food fence we sit on, all those documentaries that support our values do cherry pick the science and the data that they choose to present to try and win the other side other. I guess in that sense it is propaganda.

[orange_lily 69]

@Xx1jpt5xx alluded to this, but I want to emphasize it. I think it might help you understand your husband if you think about his weight and eating as an addiction, not a failing of willpower.

There are studies that show that foods, especially highly palatable ones, trigger the same brain chemicals as illicit drugs. food scientists know this and engineer food to be more palatable because it keeps you coming back for more. Unlike other addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling...), you have to have food to survive so abstinence isn't an option.

I think compassion and empathy will get you a lot farther with him than trying to convince and coerce. Most of us fighting against obesity already have a ton of shame and feel like failures that we can't just fix it. It sounds like he is aware there is an issue and wants to do something different. That is a positive in this. I am also glad he has a partner like you that clearly loves him and wants the best for him.

Maybe look into tips for supporting people with addictions and try to translate those to this situation. It might also help if you and your husband attended an information seminar at a local bariatric center so you have more information on the process and procedures.

[AJ Tylo 1,398]

Well i found my twin! I am a 52 year old male that has always worked and a great dad! However i had another side of heavy drinking, Unhealthy eating, Playing with girls, Harleys and Boats. My marriage ended mutually and i to this day still have full custody of the kids, We are friends and close.

So what did it take

For me it was a very close buddy More like a brother died on a Friday Night less then two hours after i left his house, He was a train wreck also and we ran together feeding off each of our desire to tear it up. Then a month later i went down and ended up in Naples Community Cardiac Ward with 99 percent blockage of the widow maker. Somehow they fixed it but laying on that table and wondering if i would every see my kids again turned on the light. My ex tried for a decade to save me, but could not. I took a scare from hell to do it!

Guys are stubborn and fierce defenders of there faults, We do not listen we only rationalize our issues thru bull poop. My suggestion is to explain to him He is going to end up in a coffin early have serious health issues and finish his life short and miserable. This is a medical fact Explain to him you have had a good run, You played hard, it is time to back it down and get healthy again. I regret not starting earlier I have done serious damages that may not be fully fixable, so if you can get him to focus on the path he is running down will kill him he may wake up.

I disagree with the band, It may work but once he gets it off he will balloon right back. He has to be in it for life or why bother, I do not give marriage advice since i suck at marriages, but try and inform him not push him. If he is drinking let it go, we become even more confrontational when intoxicated.

Good luck

[thewifehere 1]

You guys. Wow. Thank you for the responses. I mentioned earlier that we have other marriage problems... most of our marriage (since I was pregnant with #1 so 8 years at least) has been fighting about beer/drinking and also his weight gain/unhealthy life choices. I realized last year that he was early stage alcoholic, he uses it for coping with stress from a high power job. Didn’t know what being an alcoholic really meant until I educated myself and once I figured it out I was done (another story for another day). Once I realized this I was very clear, quit or we are getting divorced. Through a few ups and downs the last few months he’s admitted he has an alcohol addiction and had quit.
But this has to also go hand and hand with the weight gain. The two have been so intertwined.
I feel bad for him, I want to help him and I’ve told him for a long time that I want him to get healthy so he can be around for the kids and me.
ugh this is so complicated. Sorry to spill here. My life is complicated.
I go to therapy myself and we’ve gone together as well. So much therapy.
I worry that if he decides on WLS it will only be to save our marriage and I don’t know if that’s a good enough reason to do it, I don’t want him unhappy with his decision and ending up making things worse.
yes, I also think deep down he’s depressed and I pray he works through that with his therapist.

so I guess I support him if he decides to look more into WLS. We have a consultation tomorrow so I guess I’ll learn more there.

[MourningTheLossOfBeer 42]

I can see myself in alot of what you said about your husband. I also have had success in losing large amounts of weight and getting fit. I can tell you that to me and probably your husband WLS seems like a copout, or admitting to failure and that you're not as strong as you once were. I had no desire to ever have WLS , no one in my family had ever done it and it seemed like something weak people would do. On the flipside my wife's parents have had it along with another half dozen in her family. So it's pretty normal for them. My wife wanted me to go to a consultation, I didn't want to but went anyway so I could shut her up. At the consultation they told me that my insurance required 6 months of nutritional visits before the would pay for my surgery. Great I thought, I can use the 6 months to drop 100 lbs and i won't need surgery and prove to my wife that i can do it. With each month that passed, i procrastinated until I was ultimately out of months and hadn't done a damn thing. It was an eye opener for me that I needed help. Even the final 2 weeks before my surgery during my pre op diet, I had this sense of dread and wondering if I was making the right decision. I'm now 3 months post op, over 60 lbs down. I have 2 small children and I know that my actions have bought me more time with them. We now go for family walks, impromptu dance parties in the living room and lots of wrestling. As someone who was a hardcore detractor of WLS, I'm 100% on the other side of the fence. Most people say their only regret is not doing it sooner. For me fortunately my kids are young enough to where they will only remember healthy dad. Good luck. If your husband wants to talk to someone and doesn't want to do it in a public forum he can private message me. Also, for the record I opted for the sleeve. I had originally wanted the band like your husband since I considered it a temporary measure, but the more I researched it the more problems I found. Also now in retrospect it was just another aspect of me being in denial about my actual issue.

[medicmurray 4]

17 hours ago, thewifehere said:

When I met my husband in 2007 he was 22, super fit, very muscular, and weighed 190 pounds at 6'0" tall. He was chubby as a child, raised by his dad and didn't grow up in a healthy eating household. He lost weight in high school, gained it back early college, then lost weight again at the end when I met him. Fast forward to now and over the past decade he's eaten too much bad food, drank too much beer, had too much life stress and work stress and now weighs 300 pounds (BMI 40.7 btw). He's talked for years about wanting to lose weight, he'll low carb for a little bit and have some success but then falls off the wagon and feels bad for himself and decides to 'start tomorrow' or keep putting it off. This has been frustrating for me to say the least. I've had his 3 kids, love to be active, and truly enjoy eating and cooking healthy and making good food choices. I weigh the very same I did when I met him (115 pounds at 5'3" tall) and have always cared about staying healthy.

We are in a rough spot in our marriage right now because of many stressors, one of which is this weight issue. It's not so much the weight as it is the reason for the weight, the constant procrastination, the food and beer that he put ahead of our marriage for so long. I know he's unhappy, so why does he eat almost an entire pizza in one sitting tonight? He always TALKS about wanting to be healthy, but then does the opposite. I just cannot understand it. He had a Protein Shake for Breakfast, cooked a healthy 'hello fresh' meal for lunch, and then had that pizza for dinner.

I feel awful for even posting this, I know this is his journey but at the same time I have feelings too and my feelings are that I want to be with someone who has the same values that I do, cares about being healthy for his children and me in the long term, cares about his appearance, cares about his food choices.

I brought up the lap band to him last week saying I thought it was something he should look into and consider, at the time I thought it was something temporary he could put in, lose the weight, and then take out when he got to where he wanted to be. Now I'm learning that's not the case and I've discouraged him from WLS. Truly if he could just do Keto like he always says he wants to do, actually STICK with Keto and making good choices then I KNOW he could do it, I know that if he'd just commit to the lifestyle change that he could accomplish his goal. But now he's saying he wants to do the lap band so it forces him. And I worry this is a recipe for disaster. If he doesn't have the will power to commit to keto on a daily basis I worry that something like WLS will throw him further into a depression because it's such a permanent choice.

I don't know how to properly support him. I want him to lose weight because I know he will be SO MUCH happier in literally every aspect of his life. But why can't he just choose to do something like keto, stick with something. Do I support this WLS idea? I just don't know. I don't want him to be unhappy and miserable forever. And at the same time I want my healthy fit husband that I married 11 years ago.

Edit: he wants the band for a year only so he can lose the 100 lbs by following the protocol to the T and then take it out and maintain by being super diligent with his diet and exercise. He says 'he's done it before' twice once in HS and once in college and knows he can, but wants the 'sure thing' with the lap band forcing him to lose that 100 lbs.

Here's the cold hard truth...as a for never struggled healthy weihjtrd person you'll never understand. I cant speak for your husband but I will tell you my thoughts as an overweight person. It is so overwhelming you dont know where tho start so therefore giving up is a EASIER option. Do I hate myself? Everytime I look in the mirror. Am I disgusted at what I've let myself become? Every day. The only difference in your husband and I is that I've tried. Every. Single. Thing. WLS seems to literally be my only option. I'm hoping it works for upir husband in the way it will work for me. To retrain the brain and the gut to think and feel differently. The only thing I can say to help you understand is for an already severely overweight person it's like starting out with an F and trying to bring that grade to an A. With surgery you get to start with an A and have to work to keep it. Both ways might seem feasible but when you're already defeated the second option gives you hope.

Best of luck to BOTH of you!

[AZhiker 2,251]

17 hours ago, Hop_Scotch said:

Regardless of what side of the food fence we sit on, all those documentaries that support our values do cherry pick the science and the data that they choose to present to try and win the other side other. I guess in that sense it is propaganda.

I hear what you are saying, but it's hard to dispute the hard evidence of lower cholesterol/LDL/trigycerides, lower blood sugars, lower BP, lower inflammatory markers, and decreased arterial plaque that result from plant based diets. It's also hard to argue with the world populations that have the longest life spans, virtually no heart disease or diabetes, and the lowest cancer rates. They are all plant based societies. Those are just facts. Personally, I never bought into any of it until I tried it for myself and found it to be amazingly energizing and feeling better than I can ever remember.

[AJ Tylo 1,398]

20 hours ago, thewifehere said:

realized last year that he was early stage alcoholic, he uses it for coping with stress from a high power job

20 hours ago, thewifehere said:

The two have been so intertwined.

Been there done that I definitely used Vodka to escape my company and stress of raising two kids, If i was to guess he is a evening drunk, I never have drank during the day, but hot damm hit 5 and i slowly start, Once the kids disappear out or go to bed its game on - Drink myself to sleep! Oh so now im half lit up even as a trained culinary person what do i eat? Bag of Frito. pizza or some other garbage, You are correct the two are definitely inter wined. I would love to say i quit drinking Post WLS but i have not, Nice thing is i can not handle it so the WLS has put huge limits on it. Giving up drinking is hard he may need some time to get over this, To put WLS on top of that may be to much, I would start by slowly getting healthy and changing our habits. Drinking is gone, Now we slowly get a little more healthy each day. So as he progresses he may want to do the tool of WLS. Then you have won he did it because he was feeling healthier and happier.

Life Sucks we all have issues so you are not alone

[momof3_angels 465]

Honestly, the only advise I have to give is to seek counseling. You both need counseling, together and separately. You need it for your marriage to become stronger. He needs it to figure out what is driving him to drink and overeat. You may need it for other reasons, but I don't know you so I won't pretend that I do. But counseling will help both of you work through your issues and perhaps help him overcome some of what is driving him to drink and overeat. And with that... he may CHOSE to lose weight. He may CHOSE to have surgery to help him. But it has to be HIS choice. And you have to figure out whether you can love him the way he is. Can you love him despite alcoholism? Can you love him despite the fact that he makes unhealthy choices? Can you love him despite the fact that he is fat? If the answer to any of these is "NO", then you need to consider whether or not you should be married in the first place. Or if you decide you want to be married, you need to figure out how to live with him if he doesn't change. Only you know what is in your heart and what you can live with and who you can love through anything. But deal with both of your issues so that if he has surgery (or not), you can support him in a way that will actually help him. And if he wants surgery, go to the appointments with him. Talk to the surgeon and nutritionist WITH him. Surgery is a wonderful tool for weight loss. I hope he takes advantage of it, but he has to be ready for this change.

[JewlesA96 1]

As someone who is overweight I can tell you that you as a thin person who has been fortunate to never have dealt with a weight problem you don’t no how hard it is for your husband and you have an ignorant outlook on him just “doing a Keto diet “. Not every diet works for everyone and some people are not ready to make the commitment to change there life style . Pressuring like you are doing is not going to change things and actually you are more of a recipe for disaster than the lap band ever would be by trying to push weight loss on him. If he feels like he is ready for something like the band support him all the way. food is an addiction which is over looked in our society. When a cocaine addict wants to go to rehab for addiction no one becomes unsupportive. Weight loss Surgery no matter which one is chosen should be supported and seen as a great tool. In all my opinion is support him or maybe you just are not right for each other anymore.