I'm really frustrated with my best friend and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it so I came here to rant into the abyss.

She said some hurtful things that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Every time we speak she comments about needing to get on track with her diet so that I don't pass her up. It sucks! I didn't realize that my role in our friendship was being the fat one and I guess it's important to her that it stay that way. She is also overweight but has never been morbidly obese. My current weight is probably about where her highest weight has been but she is less right now. Every time we speak she asks me how I'm doing with my weight loss and asks a lot of detailed questions most of which I'm happy to answer as we've been friends for 10 years. Then 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that she doesn't want to talk to me right now because watching me lose weight and looking better is upsetting to her. She said it is triggering her eating disorder of which I was unaware. I responded compassionately even though I was upset and told her it was ok for her to be honest with me about her feelings.

I expected to give her some time and space and see how things go but she texts me almost every day with something sad and horrible about missing her mom or depression or anxiety or her wife or her son's behavior problems and it feels like she's leaning really heavily on me. This might just be a season in our friendship were she needs more support than I do right now. But it's hard for me to hang in there when she says unsupportive things to me and then expects me to just keep responding to 2am texts. Luckily for both of us she lives in another state so she never has to see the look on my face when she makes those comments.

I only told 5 people about my surgery: my mom, my 2 sisters, my husband and my best friend. She lives in another state and we probably only talk about once a month these days. I was counting on her as part of my support system.

She is going through a lot, like all of us. She suffers from depression, struggles with money, has some family issues and lost her mom a year ago. I love her and I worry about her. It makes me sad that I feel like our friendship is not healthy for me.

1 hour ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

I'm really frustrated with my best friend and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it so I came here to rant into the abyss.

She said some hurtful things that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Every time we speak she comments about needing to get on track with her diet so that I don't pass her up. It sucks! I didn't realize that my role in our friendship was being the fat one and I guess it's important to her that it stay that way. She is also overweight but has never been morbidly obese. My current weight is probably about where her highest weight has been but she is less right now. Every time we speak she asks me how I'm doing with my weight loss and asks a lot of detailed questions most of which I'm happy to answer as we've been friends for 10 years. Then 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that she doesn't want to talk to me right now because watching me lose weight and looking better is upsetting to her. She said it is triggering her eating disorder of which I was unaware. I responded compassionately even though I was upset and told her it was ok for her to be honest with me about her feelings.

I expected to give her some time and space and see how things go but she texts me almost every day with something sad and horrible about missing her mom or depression or anxiety or her wife or her son's behavior problems and it feels like she's leaning really heavily on me. This might just be a season in our friendship were she needs more support than I do right now. But it's hard for me to hang in there when she says unsupportive things to me and then expects me to just keep responding to 2am texts. Luckily for both of us she lives in another state so she never has to see the look on my face when she makes those comments.

I only told 5 people about my surgery: my mom, my 2 sisters, my husband and my best friend. She lives in another state and we probably only talk about once a month these days. I was counting on her as part of my support system.

She is going through a lot, like all of us. She suffers from depression, struggles with money, has some family issues and lost her mom a year ago. I love her and I worry about her. It makes me sad that I feel like our friendship is not healthy for me.

You are clearly a very compassionate person, and it appears to me like she is taking advantage of that. We all go through hard times, which she appears to be, but that is not a reason to lash out and be cruel to those around us. Not only do you play the "fat" role in the friendship, but I'd also guess that you are the giver, while she is the taker.

What do you get out of your friendship, in recent times? If it is more negative than positive, then exclude her from your life. You have no obligation to continue to be friends with someone who does not treat you well.

39 minutes ago, sillykitty said:

You are clearly a very compassionate person, and it appears to me like she is taking advantage of that. We all go through hard times, which she appears to be, but that is not a reason to lash out and be cruel to those around us. Not only do you play the "fat" role in the friendship, but I'd also guess that you are the giver, while she is the taker.

What do you get out of your friendship, in recent times? If it is more negative than positive, then exclude her from your life. You have no obligation to continue to be friends with someone who does not treat you well.

Thanks for saying that. Moving on from a friend is hard.

2 minutes ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

Thanks for saying that. Moving on from a friend is hard.

It is. But it sounds like you are the only friend in this relationship. In recent times has she truly been a friend? If she has mainly been unkind, then you aren't moving on from a friend, you are getting out of a toxic relationship.

Friendships are kind of like a joint bank account where if its healthy, both people make deposits and both make withdrawals. If she has made a lot of friendship deposits in the past (being supportive, listening to you, helping you out, giving in your time of need etc.) then it just might be her time to make a few withdrawals now (your time to support her, even if it feels a bit one way).
But, if you're always making deposits and she is always making withdrawals, it's not a friendship, it's codependency or she might be a user. Only you can honestly know which.

But if it's creating feelings of resentment in you, it might be worth examining whether this friendship can really be kept alive or not. Sometimes relationships come to an end and its time to move on, as difficult as it may seem.

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3 hours ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

I'm really frustrated with my best friend and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it so I came here to rant into the abyss.

She said some hurtful things that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Every time we speak she comments about needing to get on track with her diet so that I don't pass her up. It sucks! I didn't realize that my role in our friendship was being the fat one and I guess it's important to her that it stay that way. She is also overweight but has never been morbidly obese. My current weight is probably about where her highest weight has been but she is less right now. Every time we speak she asks me how I'm doing with my weight loss and asks a lot of detailed questions most of which I'm happy to answer as we've been friends for 10 years. Then 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that she doesn't want to talk to me right now because watching me lose weight and looking better is upsetting to her. She said it is triggering her eating disorder of which I was unaware. I responded compassionately even though I was upset and told her it was ok for her to be honest with me about her feelings.

I expected to give her some time and space and see how things go but she texts me almost every day with something sad and horrible about missing her mom or depression or anxiety or her wife or her son's behavior problems and it feels like she's leaning really heavily on me. This might just be a season in our friendship were she needs more support than I do right now. But it's hard for me to hang in there when she says unsupportive things to me and then expects me to just keep responding to 2am texts. Luckily for both of us she lives in another state so she never has to see the look on my face when she makes those comments.

I only told 5 people about my surgery: my mom, my 2 sisters, my husband and my best friend. She lives in another state and we probably only talk about once a month these days. I was counting on her as part of my support system.

She is going through a lot, like all of us. She suffers from depression, struggles with money, has some family issues and lost her mom a year ago. I love her and I worry about her. It makes me sad that I feel like our friendship is not healthy for me.

Ten year friendship and now you are being unsupported and having to pick her up while she's in a downward spiral. I hope she can get help to manage her own issues and change to be a supportive person in your life. You may want to distance the relationship or cut it off completely If she is not in a place to change. You don't need stress and negativity bringing you down.

Friendships are kind of like a joint bank account where if its healthy, both people make deposits and both make withdrawals. If she has made a lot of friendship deposits in the past (being supportive, listening to you, helping you out, giving in your time of need etc.) then it just might be her time to make a few withdrawals now (your time to support her, even if it feels a bit one way).
But, if you're always making deposits and she is always making withdrawals, it's not a friendship, it's codependency or she might be a user. Only you can honestly know which.

But if it's creating feelings of resentment in you, it might be worth examining whether this friendship can really be kept alive or not. Sometimes relationships come to an end and its time to move on, as difficult as it may seem.

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I love this comment.

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Friendships are kind of like a joint bank account where if its healthy, both people make deposits and both make withdrawals. If she has made a lot of friendship deposits in the past (being supportive, listening to you, helping you out, giving in your time of need etc.) then it just might be her time to make a few withdrawals now (your time to support her, even if it feels a bit one way).
But, if you're always making deposits and she is always making withdrawals, it's not a friendship, it's codependency or she might be a user. Only you can honestly know which.

But if it's creating feelings of resentment in you, it might be worth examining whether this friendship can really be kept alive or not. Sometimes relationships come to an end and its time to move on, as difficult as it may seem.

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What a great analogy! I've never heard of before. Thanks for sharing.

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I echo every response above

Thank you for all your kind responses. I appreciate hearing some perspective from outside the situation. I'm thankful for the support here. I'm a little surprised to find myself losing a friendship over this; I felt secure knowing that my supporters were with me 100%. I certainly didn't anticipate that she would have this kind of response. My husband shared tonight that he sees my relationship with her has been one-sided for quite some time. I do know that I'm putting a lot of work in and not getting any joy out. I am going to try taking a little break and not calling her for a while. I think I'll know if this is salvageable next time we speak. Good night, I appreciate you!

8 hours ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

I'm really frustrated with my best friend and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it so I came here to rant into the abyss.

She said some hurtful things that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Every time we speak she comments about needing to get on track with her diet so that I don't pass her up. It sucks! I didn't realize that my role in our friendship was being the fat one and I guess it's important to her that it stay that way. She is also overweight but has never been morbidly obese. My current weight is probably about where her highest weight has been but she is less right now. Every time we speak she asks me how I'm doing with my weight loss and asks a lot of detailed questions most of which I'm happy to answer as we've been friends for 10 years. Then 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that she doesn't want to talk to me right now because watching me lose weight and looking better is upsetting to her. She said it is triggering her eating disorder of which I was unaware. I responded compassionately even though I was upset and told her it was ok for her to be honest with me about her feelings.

I expected to give her some time and space and see how things go but she texts me almost every day with something sad and horrible about missing her mom or depression or anxiety or her wife or her son's behavior problems and it feels like she's leaning really heavily on me. This might just be a season in our friendship were she needs more support than I do right now. But it's hard for me to hang in there when she says unsupportive things to me and then expects me to just keep responding to 2am texts. Luckily for both of us she lives in another state so she never has to see the look on my face when she makes those comments.

I only told 5 people about my surgery: my mom, my 2 sisters, my husband and my best friend. She lives in another state and we probably only talk about once a month these days. I was counting on her as part of my support system.

She is going through a lot, like all of us. She suffers from depression, struggles with money, has some family issues and lost her mom a year ago. I love her and I worry about her. It makes me sad that I feel like our friendship is not healthy for me.

Im so late but

Child, block her number. She will try to drag you down with her because misery loves company.

Interesting to hear that your husband has noticed the unbalance in the friendship for quite some time. His perspective is a good one to pay attention to because he's been able to see the pattern IRL.

What a great analogy! I've never heard of before. Thanks for sharing.

I don't think I can really claim credit. I'm sure I read it somewhere but I can't remember where. Might have been Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend.

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My husband shared tonight that he sees my relationship with her has been one-sided for quite some time. I do know that I'm putting a lot of work in and not getting any joy out. I am going to try taking a little break and not calling her for a while. I think I'll know if this is salvageable next time we speak. Good night, I appreciate you!

Sounds very sensible. Also, interesting your hubs thinks it's been one-sided for a while.


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Interesting to hear that your husband has noticed the unbalance in the friendship for quite some time. His perspective is a good one to pay attention to because he's been able to see the pattern IRL.

Exactly!

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