I was wholly unprepared for the psychological aspects of the journey to bariatric surgery so I sit down to write this in the hopes that you might not make the same mistake that I did in taking this so lightly. When I first started out, I thought this would be similar to the journeys of the other weight loss attempts in my life so I totally discounted the psychology. In fact, I did not even want to think about matters related to the mind. It was the pre-op diet that forced me to take a very long and deep-seated look at the exact cause of my obesity; food is love, relief from clinical depression, and medicine. The realization hit me a week and a half into this pre-op diet that I am no longer going to be able to use the medicine that worked so well. I am a survivor of almost twenty years of verbal and psychological abuse from peers, teachers, parents, and co-workers. Food was what was simultaneous keeping me from suicide and basically killing me. If ever more morbid a paradox existed, I am at a loss for thinking of any. Even the times when I was thin, I always knew if things went downhill, food was merely walking distance away. I have had a range of emotions from anger and hatred towards those whom abused me, to hope and forgiveness.

I write this a day and a half before my surgery as I go through a treasure trove of old digital photos of me in different stages of my life. I also went through and organized all of my music. It was something that necessarily had to be done because it's an important part of closure that I never did. I looked at the albums of photos with the two women whom ever had the courage to love me at one point in time or another. I kept them because I was grasping at straws to keep from going over a cliff. I hoped that one day one of them might be a part of my life again. However both are married now, and hindsight being 20/20, they would not be ideal mates for me nor I for them. I looked back on those photos with a mixture of pride, happiness, and sadness. Purging the photos gave me the closure that I needed. Love was possible twice, it will be possible again. I want to stop the cycle of self-loathing. I am not going into the operating room out of self-disgust, I am going out of self-compassion.

I love you, Matt.

You are precious!!!

Precious. I would love to talk with you on the phone sometimes. But either way, you've got a friend in me, if you want me.

Your writing is so heartfelt, so sincere and so vulnerable. I love it

I love you

You're going into surgery with a wonderful mindset

So proud to know (of) you.

Get em Tiger!

Xox Jo

And in me also. You know 2 things we share, I am your bari-sister as well as the other facet of life we share. I will always be here to listen, okay? And I will be praying for your surgeon's hands to be capable,and your surgery and recovery to be smooth and effortless. You're doing what must be done and for the right reasons.

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Matt, bless you and your surgical team. You are a profound and wonderful being and I just know you will do well. And I am certain a romantic love is in your future.

We love you here on the forums very much.

I agree with the others. You’re a beautiful guy.

I hope your surgery goes well and you have a great start in your recovery.

While I understand your feelings now about feeling unprepared psychologically, you will have a time now or not needing to analyze anything psychologically for a couple weeks. You can relax and just focus on resting, walking, drinking water, and trying to drink some protein when you can. You will probably take some pain meds, and all this will keep your focus on very matter of fact recovery and survival.

Keep your helpers close and any detractors out of your life as you recover. Not that you won’t be working on yourself for months, learning how to eat for your new stomach and all, but you simply won’t be able to look at food in that same way any more.

I love food and did emotional eating too. But today (almost 8 mos out) I still can’t do that quantity eating thing. It’s gone! And I am glad. Food gave you pleasure beyond satisfying hunger. It did us all. That changes. I don’t eat anything sweet (starting to add 1/4 c fruit a day soon) so that stuff is out for “comfort”, so glad. And a few special things I love to eat, like my homemade sesame chicken wings, at first I could only eat one (with hot sauce of course), and now I can eat two. So if you want to call that a wild binge... see what I mean? It’s just different.

You are going to get very strong soon, in many ways, even if you first have to be weak in recovery of course. And we all will be experiencing pain without being able to stuff it down with food. And you will be able to do it! This is your magic portion control aid. So don’t worry about psych preparation. You’re ready.

Gd bless you and hope surgery goes super well for you.

Hi Matt...

I so relate.

Food was my comfort and while dealing with depression and while figuring out I was bi-polar it became my friend. Except it really wasn't. Like you I was killing myself in another way. Indirectly committing suicide. I did not care as long as I had food. I hid it. I wouldn't eat much in front of people but man oh man did I when I was by myself. Which was a lot. I don't have any local friends. I keep a pretty high wall up most of the time. Thanks to all of that I have diabetic retinopathy that has required surgery. I've done so much damage to not only my body but my spirit.

I've fought hard the past 5-6 years to better myself. I've kept my a1c at a high normal and i've sought long term help for my mental health. I feel I am ready for a new life that I deserve.

You deserve happiness Matt. I hope for you and all of us on this journey a happier life with ourselves. You are worth the effort and I'm so excited for you to see what the future holds!

Wow this just brought a tear to my eye . Matt , I wish you all of the happiness you ever dreamed of !

All the best to you Matt! Looking forward to your next update.

"Love was possible twice, it will be possible again. I want to stop the cycle of self-loathing. I am not going into the operating room out of self-disgust, I am going out of self-compassion."

Amen!

Loved your post. You're right, the psychological component to this surgery is substantial. You are already so self-aware of your emotions and mental health. You, sir, are ahead of the game. I think you are going to do extremely well with this journey.

You must be out of surgery now... I hope this post finds you well and walking those hospital halls!! Can't wait to hear how you are doing.