Concerned Mom

[Apple1 2,572]

1 hour ago, Ance said:

Congratulations in your accomplishment. I know I'm coming from a Mom's position of fear and protection. I want her to succeed but I'm asking her to give us one more try to provide her the support and guidance of a trainer and nutritionist. We're going to see a therapist before surgery to discuss her issues with depression and learning disabilities. She's focused only on the surgery and nothing else. I recognize that this is a tool but she sees it as the only solution that will work.

It may very well be the only tool that will succeed in helping her to not only lose the weight, but to keep it off. You see many of us have or developed damaged metabolism. No amount of dieting is going to fix them, believe me I tried.

I think you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. For some reason you think surgery is the un-natural and wrong way to fix her problem. The reality is that even with surgery she will need a nutritionist, therapy, maybe a personal trainer, and definitely some support. I personally think you should get on board with her decision and help her to be successful with the surgery.

[Ance 55]

6 hours ago, Berry78 said:

Sorry, I had to cut my above post short, as had to attend to kid duties.

Umm.. yeah, sorry about the wasps' nest that your post has stirred. Please keep in mind, as several of the above posters have mentioned, there are a lot of people here with "parent issues", and your post pushed some buttons.

I was heavy by time I hit first or second grade, but really started gaining in earnest in middle school (blasted puberty!!). My Mom and Dad didn't have much money, so they did the best they could. I was the only one that became chubby on the Pasta and day-old doughnuts, so it was a problem with me, not the diet

But, alas.. the past is what it is, and I'm finally on a path to better myself. I'm 38.

I recognize that you are terrified of complications from the surgery. You'd hate to see a perfectly healthy young adult sign up for an optional procedure that could leave her worse than she started, right?

We can't promise nothing bad will happen during/after the procedure. But, we can promise that the risks are low, and the rewards are great.

Post-surgery regain is a real possibility, and it can start as early as 6-8 months post-op. She has a lot to learn about changing the content of her diet, FOREVER, not just the quantity.. because she'll gradually be able to eat more and more, to the point of eating like a typical person (1 plate, not 3.. but she can get in big trouble with 1 plate!).

If you can, please look up Dr. Matthew Weiner on youtube. He is a bariatric surgeon in Michigan, and he has a TON of information about how/why the surgery works, and tips for changing diet and lifestyle afterwords.

We are so used to having to steer our kids in the right direction (away from danger), that it can be difficult to let them go and do their own things. Shoot, my husband didn't want me doing the surgery! He was terrified for me.

I was more terrified for my high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, joint pain, inability to fit in an airplane seat (no 2nd honeymoon in Hawaii!), breaking toilet seats all the time, having to hold my breath to tie my shoes, couldn't wash the bottoms of my feet, having very limited wardrobe selection, couldn't go out to walk the dog without feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, stairs = seeing stars.. etc.

I did great on diets when I was 20. Lost 65lbs, could hike 25 miles a day carrying a pack, etc. But, we can't all stay 20 forever, and having pregnancies, sitting at desk jobs, taking care of elderly parents in the home.. these things all take their toll, and weight gain happens... especially because a broken metabolism does not get fixed by diet and exercise! (There is some hope for a ketogenic diet, I suppose, but that was one I never tried).

Fix the metabolism through surgery. Learn a new way of cooking and eating. Fix any emotional problems.. and your daughter has a great chance of having a normal life.

Berry78, I appreciate wholeheartedly your observation of me and my daughter. She is my youngest of 4 (2 boys & 2 girls). She's a beautiful girl and I've always told her so. Most importantly, I've always encouraged her to try and do her best. She doesn't see what I see that she's smart and so capable. Even her school teachers described her that way. I guess I'll agree tha I am controlling in guiding her when doing tasks. On her own, she's made decisions and acted on them w/o our approval. I know I have to let her fly. Here comes the but... But when we were doing WW in the fall, she lost 5lbs and accomplished running 1 mile within two months. That was a big deal. Then Holidays came and she went off the plan. In her mind, WW was no longer for her. She then found out that an acquaintance had done the sleeve and she was sold that it was the solution. One catch though, she had to be 40%+ above what is normal for her ht & wt. In a matter of 4 months she went from 210 to 262. Only then, did she qualify as a candidate for the surgery. This behavior and way of thinking along with the risk is what worries me and why I decided I needed to reach out to talk to someone. Ironically, her primary doctor's office cleared her. However, the latest discovery is that she has an enlarged thyroid and they would like her to hold off until that's looked at throughly. We are scheduled to have an ultrasound and we'll see but she's still determined no matter what to go through with it. As her Mom, I will be there for her. She will not be alone. I just wish it didn't have to be surgery. I will checkout Dr. Weiner's YouTube for more information and insight to this procedure. Thanks for listening.

[Ance 55]

2 hours ago, Sherrie Scharbrough said:

I know people have kind of come at you but I want to tell you a little about my family. I thought I was fat at a early age just because I felt big next to some of my classmates but the truth was I weighed 135 to 140#'s in JR and High School. I fought with my weight every since I am now 60 will be 61 in a few days. Fast forward to mebgetting asnhigh as 285#'s and I am 5.3 so YES I WAS FAT!! Along comes my kids my son has never had a weight problem. But my sweet daughter who is now 37YO has been overweight for most of her life. Me thinking I was being a good mom, DIDN'T want to make her sick in her mind as I was. You see I have tried almost every diet known to mankind. I purged and threw up before ANOREXIA and BULIMIA before they became public. So anyway I didn't want her to feel defeated or have the self-hate like I did. She only knew me as always on a diet, when she was like 8YO she used to suck her tummy in and say, "Look mom I'm skinnying down". Broke my heart. I just kept saying I will let her deal with her body and weight when she was grown. To this day she has no idea how to diet. She weighs 275#'s now. Life happened she had 4 kids and added weight with everyone of them. Because I never helped her when she was young she has no idea how to lose weight and yes she lack stick em to the diet also. I had my weight loss surgery when I was 57YO. I have maintained my 125#'s for 3 and 1/2 years. Would I encourage my daughter to have weight loss surgery I can say this with everything in me YES YES a MILLON times YES!!! Please support her inmher choice. She will be ok. At first she will lose her weight in the Honeymoon phase which is the first 6 to 12 months. She will lose her hungry and be able to make changes to her lifestyle and exercise. Most people don't have much hunger for awhile. I am 4 years out and I still have no physical hunger. Mind hunger yes. That is something counseling will help her with. Just be there for her. You don't want to push her away, she needs her Mom!! Let her get her life back!!

Sherrie, thank you from one Mom to another. Your story and how you described your daughter in her early years brought back some similar memories with my daughter. On the contrary to what others say, I'm very supportive but I don't like her choice because it is surgery. I have read many positive stories and only a few negative ones. I'm hopeful but still worry. I'll be there for her always and she knows it. Thanks again.

[Berry78 4,259]

It is a shame she put so much weight on so quickly I did the same thing (unintentionally) when I stopped working to stay home with the kids. 100lbs in a year... and I didn't even really realize it!

It's possible she didn't do it on purpose.. or maybe she did. But either way, even 210lbs is still obese, assuming she is of an average height. My daughter is about 195lbs, 5'5. She doesn't qualify for the surgery, but her metabolism is absolutely busted. I see my exact behaviors and patterns repeating themselves, and if she gets to the point that she wants the surgery, I will pay to send her to Mexico if she doesn't qualify here.

Right now, it's about me, and my success.. and I'm learning the skills to be successful long term, and trying to teach the kids that there is another way of being. Too early to tell how successful I'll be.

[James Marusek 5,244]

There is a whole gauntlet of requirements to go through to qualify for this surgery. If she has gone through the gauntlet, then she has made up her mind, really wants this to happen and dedicated herself to achieve this goal.

Since she is scheduled for surgery in 11 days from now, I would recommend she does the following:

1. Have her take a good before photograph of herself, so that she has something to compare to after surgery. Many times we are blind to our obesity. We do not see ourselves. Therefore when the weight begins to drop off rather dramatically, we question if this is really happening. Photographs are a good visualization of our success. Many people carry a before and after photo with them, just to remind themselves of their success.
2. Walk 30 minutes each day, every day until surgery (or equivalent exercise). Walking helps the recovery process go smoothly and minimized the pain levels from surgery.
3. Wean herself from caffeine and carbonated beverages now. After I gave up my 6 diet coke a day habit, I suffered from a week of severe withdrawal syndrome consisting of severe headaches and body aches. I was miserable. You don't want to combine the effects of caffeine withdrawal with the effects of surgery.

[mlbdl 86]

You are right to be concerned, based on the additional information you provided. However, I think you should support her decision, with some caveats. Strongly encourage her to attend support groups and nutrition lectures, read forums like this one, find a mentor, read blogs, etc. I also strongly recommend that she follow up with a therapist used to working with Bariatric patients, not just one that works with addictions.

I can tell you love your daughter. If you simply had "control" issues I don't think you'd be on this forum seeking information and advice. I can tell you as a 47 year old woman that has fought the pounds unsuccessfully since puberty (but really badly since I was 18-19), she may have realized much earlier than I did that her body has turned against her. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 29 and hypothyroidism at 40. Doctors didn't really know what to do with me for many years and really just blamed my habits. In truth, it didn't matter if I had no Cookies, 1 cookie, 3 or 5 cookies. I might lose 5 lbs in 3 months and then nothing for a year, and then gain 15# back. It was mental demolition. This surgery was a reset for me. I have no regrets. My dad feels like he got his daughter back, I feel like I got my life back, and I'm pushing 50. My career is looking up (it was already damn good), people treat me a hell of a lot better, and I'm not letting life pass me by.

Have you had a quiet discussion with your daughter and just asked her, and then listened with no judgement, as if she was a friend, what does she see in her future? What her dreams are? And how she wants to get there? She might surprise you. My parents always assumed things about me and often were wrong. No doubt they loved me, but still, they were wrong.

To help ease your concern, maybe ask her to walk you through the research she's done and how she came to the decision. Tell her you don't want to change her mind, you just want to understand so you and her father can support her in every way you can to help her be successful. The surgery is just the start. Losing the weight will be "easy." Keeping it off will be the challenge.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

[sprysmeow 28]

Hi,

I can tell that you really just want the best for your daughter. I think that you are taking step in the right direction by coming onto this forum. I recommend that you attend some of her appointments. Also, on YOUTUBE there is a Dr. Weiner that has several presentations that have excellent information about Weight Loss Surgery. The statistics sight that when a person is younger they are more likely to reach there goals that people who are older they will also have a faster recovery. This is such an excellent tool and this will be the beginning of a GREAT life.

I must say, I really wish that I had started this journey long before now. I have been struggling with my weight for MANY years and I am 50 years old now.

[blizair09 3,250]

When I first started reading this thread, I was completely in the pro-surgery camp for your daughter. I decided not to comment right away, and now I am coming back and reading all the posts, and I'm a bit on the fence. First, just because she has been "cleared" for surgery doesn't mean she is psychologically ready for it. I have found that the WLS world is often more of a business than it is a true health endeavor sometimes. The reason I say that is twofold: First, you said that she got the idea for the sleeve from a person over the holidays after she abandoned a healthy eating and exercise plan. Second, you said that she gained over 50 pounds to qualify for the surgery. Now, I have heard some people on these boards having to gain a small amount of weight because their BMI was on the cusp of qualification, but she gained 25% of her body weight. That's a lot.

Have you (or the doctor or anyone) had a serious conversation with her about what her life post-op will be like and the level of commitment regarding eating, drinking, and exercise that she will have to maintain for the rest of her life to be successful? Every day on these boards, I hear people talk about getting back to a "normal way of eating." (A lot of people like to think that post-sleeve they can eat "whatever they want" but in smaller amounts. I think that is an incredibly flawed viewpoint.) So many people look at the surgery as some magic pill that will miraculously make them drop all of their excess weight in a matter of months, and then they can eat "whatever they want" but in smaller amounts and live happily ever after. That is a fairy tale. The key is changing your relationship with food, eating within defined parameters each and every day, and exercising regularly. (No different from folks who don't have WLS, but the sleeve provides assistance that many find invaluable.)

So, my question for you is -- is she ready for this commitment and new way of life? The answer to that question should guide how to counsel your daughter.

Good luck.

[Ance 55]

3 hours ago, Berry78 said:

It is a shame she put so much weight on so quickly I did the same thing (unintentionally) when I stopped working to stay home with the kids. 100lbs in a year... and I didn't even really realize it!

It's possible she didn't do it on purpose.. or maybe she did. But either way, even 210lbs is still obese, assuming she is of an average height. My daughter is about 195lbs, 5'5. She doesn't qualify for the surgery, but her metabolism is absolutely busted. I see my exact behaviors and patterns repeating themselves, and if she gets to the point that she wants the surgery, I will pay to send her to Mexico if she doesn't qualify here.

Right now, it's about me, and my success.. and I'm learning the skills to be successful long term, and trying to teach the kids that there is another way of being. Too early to tell how successful I'll be.

Berry78, I'll keep you in my thoughts and pray for success. My daughter is 5'7" at 250 currently. I know what I struggle with is that I only know of people over 30 getting this surgery not 20 yr olds. Even though the stories are positive I just struggle with her being so young to get this serious type of surgery. I'll keep my positive thoughts and strength going to make sure she's successful. Thanks.

[Introversion 1,876]

10 hours ago, Ance said:

I want her to succeed but I'm asking her to give us one more try to provide her the support and guidance of a trainer and nutritionist.

Your daughter could most certainly lose weight without surgery. In fact, with the help of a nutritionist and personal trainer, she could probably lose 100+ pounds.

Here's the caveat...obesity is a time-dependent disease process. It is never curable, ever. While obesity can be put into remission by dieting and/or exercising down to a normal body weight, your daughter has been overweight so long that her biochemistry will ensure she regains the weight fast and furiously if she loses it without the metabolic reset that bariatric surgery provides.

Here's my weight history. I am 36 years old. My weight has yo-yo'ed up and down since my mid-teens. At 15 years of age I lost 30+ pounds on a summertime low-calorie diet, going from 155 to 125. I regained all the weight plus more in three years.

At 20 years old I weighed 176 lbs and was 5'1 tall. I lost 60 lbs on an 800-calorie diet plus exercise and got down to 116 lbs. I regained it all plus more. By the time I was 24 I weighed 205 lbs.

At 26 years old I weighed 216 lbs. I lost 55 lbs with diet and exercise, but regained most of it.

At 29 years old I weighed 203 lbs. I lost 25 lbs with diet and exercise, but regained most of it.

At 32 years old I weighed 180 lbs. My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, so I lost 52 lbs with diet and exercise, weighing 128 for this event. I regained fiercely and was 200+ lbs a year later.

At 34 years old I weighed 225, my highest weight ever. I had the sleeve gastrectomy 2 months after my 34th birthday. While bariatric surgery doesn't ensure anything, this is the first time in my adult life that I've been weight-stable.

What was the point of my lengthy post? It's to emphasize that when people say, "You can lose weight without bariatric surgery," I totally concur. As you've read, I've lost 200+ lbs over the past 2 decades.

Losing weight was not my problem...keeping it off was problematic. Bariatric surgery has bestowed upon me the last glimmer of hope for keeping the weight off. I know my struggle will be for a lifetime.

[PAstudent 117]

Hi, Ance. I'm not here to make any judgments about your parenting or about your daughter. I'm just here to share with you that I was 20 years old when I got the sleeve and I think it's the best possible thing I could've done for myself. My highest weight was 256 (I'm 5'4 maybe 5'5) and people would look at me when I told them and say "Oh, you don't need that" or "Aren't you a little young/small/etc for that?". They're still surprised when they learn that I've had the surgery.

We do live in a society where over half of the people we see on a daily basis are either overweight or obese. It severely skews our perception of "healthy". Ultimately, is it really healthier to hate yourself every single day and kill yourself trying to lose weight the "natural" way, or is it healthier to undergo a procedure with a very small complication rate and lose weight under the supervision of highly trained professionals?

These questions helped me decide if surgery was right for me:
Am I able to do all the things a 20 year old should be able to do? (No. I didn't have the confidence, stamina, or energy. I was also healing slower than average from injuries.)
Am I happy with my weight? (No)
How many years have I tried to lose weight? (I started dieting when I was 10 years old)
How many diets have I tried? (Too many to remember)
Have I seen professionals? (Yes, many) Have they helped my binging or relationship with food? (No)
Have I stuck to a diet and exercise plan for at least a couple months? (Yes) Was it sustainable and could I see myself living the rest of my life like that? (No)
Am I at increased risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and metabolic syndrome? (Yes)
Do I want to wait until I get one of these conditions to use one of the most effective and long term tools for weight loss? (No)
Despite my dieting, was my overall trend in weight continuing to rise? (YES)
Did I want to do something drastic that would help me live a healthier life? (Yes)
Did I want it to be permanent? (Yes)
Was I ready to stop thinking about food 24/7? (Yes)
Did I want to be part of the statistic that this generation may be the first to not outlive its parents? (No.)

Surgery shouldn't be anyone's first option. It's a serious life commitment. But, for some people, it is the right choice.

Now, I'm only one month out (and 26 pounds down), but my relationship with food now after surgery is 10 times better than it was prior to surgery. I eat for sustenance and to meet protein/calorie goals, not to feel good. This isn't something that 2 nutritionists, a dietician, and 3 therapists were able to do. I highly recommend therapy, but losing weight on your own is incredibly difficult, nearly impossible, when all you do is obsess over food. I think the best thing about this surgery for me is that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and I can totally see myself keeping up with my new lifestyle.

[kmmschaefer 14]

Your daughter didn't have control over what went in her mouth growing up. Now she is an adult and wants to fix it. If you remove her from insurance she can find a very qualified surgeon in Mexico to do it, which do you prefer? This is not the easy way out, she still needs the lifestyle change, this will help her make that happen.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

On 6/10/2017 at 7:03 AM, Ance said:

My 20yo has been struggling with her weight since middle school. She's 5'7" and 255lbs now and has successfully gone through all her pre-op. She has a 6/21 date for her sleeve surgery. Her dad and I are not supportive of her choice. We feel she's too young to take such a drastic step when other than her weight, she's a healthy young lady. She has been up and down with her weight but she also gives up too easily on the lifestyle change required to keep a healthy weight. We fear because of previous behaviors she'll do the same and not stick to this commitment.

As her mom, I won't let her go through this process alone and will help her with her healing process but, this decision has caused friction and stress at home. It breaks my heart. We've asked her to hold off and we'll work with her to go the healthy route with seeing a nutritionist, a physical trainer and a therapist to guide her through this journey. She said no that her minds made up. She's under our insurance and the thought has come up to mention to the company that we don't approve this surgery but don't know if that may back fire. Another thought is to remove her and encourage her to get a job with insurance and she can do it and pay for it on her own. I'm conflicted and scared.

20 years old is not too young.

Have you or our child ever seen hepatologists or endocrinologists? They will point out a common epidemic.. kids in their teens and twenties in western nations (especially the US) are coming at record pace for advanced liver disease (fibrosis, cirrhosis) and endocrine problems (diabetes, metabolic syndrome, heart disease, etc.) at an age which these diseases were only seen by the elderly beforehand. It's a very serious problem that one wants to tackle early rather than late.

The key to this process isn't merely the surgery but more importantly making important lifestyle choices -- being a smaller person means living like a smaller person. For many of us obese people our endocrine system is out of whack, we eventually become at the behest of our brain, psychoactive effects of carb-laden foods, and the physiological hormonal results of our body telling us we're hungry when we shouldn't be. While lifestyle plays a huge role in breaking the body's endocrine system, once it's broken sometimes it takes serious intervention beyond lifestyle to see positive changes.. but if those underlying causes aren't changed, permanently, the tool which is the surgery becomes useless.

I'd say you're on the right track of support, support good choices here on out, and medical research is always a plus. Get multiple opinions, talk with your child to see the best course of action. Don't ever take the advice of one person or overly rely on one person for information.

[Wanda Lee 11]

I'm 36 yrs old and surgery is scheduled for July 7th a few people know but the one person I still haven't told is my mother why? Because I know she will start talking negative and that's one thing I don't need to hear is the negativity so I might tell her the day before or she will find out after surgery.

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[Newme17 3,444]

1 hour ago, Wanda Lee said:

I'm 36 yrs old and surgery is scheduled for July 7th a few people know but the one person I still haven't told is my mother why? Because I know she will start talking negative and that's one thing I don't need to hear is the negativity so I might tell her the day before or she will find out after surgery.

Sent from my SM-J700T using BariatricPal mobile app

I didn't tell my mother for a while. Maybe about a month before surgery I finally blurted it out. I am happy to say she was happy for me (she changed!!!), but because the way she was, very opinionated about how I should live and do what she says. I'm 38.