I need advice about my ex-girlfriend.

[Hiraeth 515]

I don't want to sound harse, I am a gay man 51, I have been there done that. I won't ask you a lot of personal questions, but I have a feeling you have probably never meet this person, in person. even if you have, you have spent most well over 95% of the relationship apart, texting or calling, you need to realise you are in love with a feeling,but you are projecting feelings on to someone that is a fantum of your mind. Yes she is a real person, but you are double reading everything she says or does in a perfect light, and no one lives in that, perfect light, what she tells you is one side of a story, and then you are interpreting it, which is another side.

You need to focus on you right now, and as so much is changing, physically, and emotionally, this kind of relationship is not healthy, or a healthy choice for you. I suggest you concentrate on friends right now, that you can count on. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who makes decisions and plays around like this person? I doubt it. I also believe your mother already knows about you, or knows but doesn't accept it. Moms know everything, and people gossip, even if they have no facts, someone has mentioned it. You need to accept you, then decide okay, I am "left handed" I am going to tell my mom, because that is just who I am. If she can't accept it, I know what demon I have to deal with then, and if she does we will be closer.

What other people think about me is none of my business needs to be your motto, you can't change their minds, you are you. Yourself confidence is going to really take off, and you need to make decisions with you in mind. Tell this person that, wish her luck, and cut ties, block her number and delete it! A year from now if you feel the need, you can find her easily, but you need to stop the string pulling she is doing, because, she herself probably doesn't even know how much she is doing of it. You had this surgery for you, now do this for you mentally. Best of luck

My mom agrees now that gay people cannot help who they are, but that they should not act on that desire. But, humans were created for companionship. It's unfair to tell us not to pursue something so pure.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. <3

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Wow, you are such an amazing person for accepting people for who they are. Will you adopt me? LOL.

And you are so right; she really should sort out her issues before pursuing a relationship. I guess I felt like I could fix her. But I know I can't do that. I don't think she truly loves herself. She admitted that she is depressed. I just wish there was something I could do to help. I have a "save the world" complex. You should see all the strays I have rescued, lol!

@@Hiraeth I have a 25 y/o son and im here to tell you.... you are too young to be worrying about all this Cr^p. Your only 25.... go out and live your life. Stop waiting for this person to make your life's choices. Be your own woman and experience life and all that comes with it...

Personally i think this chick doesn't know her a$$ from a whole in the ground and needs to continue therapy and get her life straight before dragging you and the "guy" into her mess.

this.... People is why we as a society need to stop judging people..... Parents that can't except there Kids for who and what they are..... should be ashamed of them selves... My boys know that i love them no matter what.

it amazes me how many of my young "gay" friends tell me that their parents won't except them.... i just don't get it.... because this is what it creates... a world full of people that can't be them selves for fear of being rejected... therefor they make bad choices till they come to a deep understanding of who they are.....

Love yourself and others will follow....

sure.... ill adopt you... all you have to do is move to La.... I remember the day my niece called and said.... Aunt Chris i have something to tell you.... Im like... Oh Sh*t... she said... Im Gay...... I said, oh thank God, i thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant.... My whole family has stuck by her, and always will.... I call her my favorite Lesbian... lol

I know all about the "save the world" thing.... I'm still like that to a certain extent. We all want what's best for the people we care about. She should consider herself lucky to have a friend like you... and that guy too. BUT, you have to remember, you can't make others do what you would do... if you do you are setting yourself up for disappointment. YOU and only control YOU....

So, be her friend if you want, but, i would suggest that when she starts telling you stuff that makes you uncomfortable... Stop her.. say, im your friend... not anything more.

Move on with your life... i promise when you do.... you will open the door for a new Love to come through.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I don't want to sound harse, I am a gay man 51, I have been there done that. I won't ask you a lot of personal questions, but I have a feeling you have probably never meet this person, in person. even if you have, you have spent most well over 95% of the relationship apart, texting or calling, you need to realise you are in love with a feeling,but you are projecting feelings on to someone that is a fantum of your mind. Yes she is a real person, but you are double reading everything she says or does in a perfect light, and no one lives in that, perfect light, what she tells you is one side of a story, and then you are interpreting it, which is another side.

You need to focus on you right now, and as so much is changing, physically, and emotionally, this kind of relationship is not healthy, or a healthy choice for you. I suggest you concentrate on friends right now, that you can count on. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who makes decisions and plays around like this person? I doubt it. I also believe your mother already knows about you, or knows but doesn't accept it. Moms know everything, and people gossip, even if they have no facts, someone has mentioned it. You need to accept you, then decide okay, I am "left handed" I am going to tell my mom, because that is just who I am. If she can't accept it, I know what demon I have to deal with then, and if she does we will be closer.

What other people think about me is none of my business needs to be your motto, you can't change their minds, you are you. Yourself confidence is going to really take off, and you need to make decisions with you in mind. Tell this person that, wish her luck, and cut ties, block her number and delete it! A year from now if you feel the need, you can find her easily, but you need to stop the string pulling she is doing, because, she herself probably doesn't even know how much she is doing of it. You had this surgery for you, now do this for you mentally. Best of luck

Welllllll Said....Volfan... Well Said

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I don't want to sound harse, I am a gay man 51, I have been there done that. I won't ask you a lot of personal questions, but I have a feeling you have probably never meet this person, in person. even if you have, you have spent most well over 95% of the relationship apart, texting or calling, you need to realise you are in love with a feeling,but you are projecting feelings on to someone that is a fantum of your mind. Yes she is a real person, but you are double reading everything she says or does in a perfect light, and no one lives in that, perfect light, what she tells you is one side of a story, and then you are interpreting it, which is another side.

You need to focus on you right now, and as so much is changing, physically, and emotionally, this kind of relationship is not healthy, or a healthy choice for you. I suggest you concentrate on friends right now, that you can count on. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who makes decisions and plays around like this person? I doubt it. I also believe your mother already knows about you, or knows but doesn't accept it. Moms know everything, and people gossip, even if they have no facts, someone has mentioned it. You need to accept you, then decide okay, I am "left handed" I am going to tell my mom, because that is just who I am. If she can't accept it, I know what demon I have to deal with then, and if she does we will be closer.

What other people think about me is none of my business needs to be your motto, you can't change their minds, you are you. Yourself confidence is going to really take off, and you need to make decisions with you in mind. Tell this person that, wish her luck, and cut ties, block her number and delete it! A year from now if you feel the need, you can find her easily, but you need to stop the string pulling she is doing, because, she herself probably doesn't even know how much she is doing of it. You had this surgery for you, now do this for you mentally. Best of luck

My mom agrees now that gay people cannot help who they are, but that they should not act on that desire. But, humans were created for companionship. It's unfair to tell us not to pursue something so pure.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. <3

ask your mom.... how would she feel if some one told her that it ok to be her.... but she cant love me or "act" on it... You are who you are. You mom has her own demons to battle... like thinking she did something wrong or that she was a bad mom for making you "gay"... this was not her fault. It's no one's fault, this is who God made you to be. Being Gay is not about them.... it about who you are, you can't change that no matter how hard you try.....

Love your self.....

[Karen Kenney 61]

@@Hiraeth stay away from her, she needs to sort this mess out herself, good luck

[Hiraeth 515]

Update: For those who are wondering, lol.

We talked last night and she made it clear that she is feeling pressured to marry her fiance because she's worried about going to Hell, disappointing her family, and hurting her fiance. She admitted that there is a sexual connection lacking in their relationship. I told her my best advice. I don't know what will happen next, but I am keeping my heart at a safe distance.

She is making obvious hints that she has unresolved feelings for me. She is flirting with me the way she used to. She even offered to send me money when I told her I was low and needing to pay a bill. I declined, but it was still a nice offer.

I am still keeping everyone's advice in my view. Even if it doesn't work out between us, I still want her to be happy.

[onedeterminedchick 118]

Update: For those who are wondering, lol.

We talked last night and she made it clear that she is feeling pressured to marry her fiance because she's worried about going to Hell, disappointing her family, and hurting her fiance. She admitted that there is a sexual connection lacking in their relationship. I told her my best advice. I don't know what will happen next, but I am keeping my heart at a safe distance.

She is making obvious hints that she has unresolved feelings for me. She is flirting with me the way she used to. She even offered to send me money when I told her I was low and needing to pay a bill. I declined, but it was still a nice offer.

I am still keeping everyone's advice in my view. Even if it doesn't work out between us, I still want her to be happy.

This is unhealthy for you....SAVE YOU!

[volfan 78]

She is playing you.

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[Fredbear 397]

She is playing you.

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Totally.

"When all is said and done, usually more has been said than done. "

[Hiraeth 515]

I think you're all correct. She's about to get another job soon, so I think I will cut contact after she gets it because I don't want to ruin her good mood. Thanks so much for the advice.

[gowalking 10,790]

Just my observation based on what you've told us...and what others are posting. I don't know that she's playing you...I think she is a very confused and scared young lady. I also think you still have feelings for her and want to help or even fix her. Here's the thing...some people can't be fixed. I think she's one of them. I think she is toxic to you...even if she doesn't mean to be. I think as hard as it will be, you need to cut contact with her as you note above. I don't even know if you should wait for her to start the new job. If she's going to be devastated by your move, her job won't make a difference in how she feels. You, however, need to do what you need to do. If cutting her out is what you need to do...do it now.

And this is coming from a woman who only months ago, had this happen to her. Not that I was toxic to this man I was dating..but he felt the relationship had run it's course. I didn't know he felt that way so it was a hurtful thing he did but telling someone it's over is never easy..and there's never a good time if the feelings are not mutual.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Hiraeth 515]

Just my observation based on what you've told us...and what others are posting. I don't know that she's playing you...I think she is a very confused and scared young lady. I also think you still have feelings for her and want to help or even fix her. Here's the thing...some people can't be fixed. I think she's one of them. I think she is toxic to you...even if she doesn't mean to be. I think as hard as it will be, you need to cut contact with her as you note above. I don't even know if you should wait for her to start the new job. If she's going to be devastated by your move, her job won't make a difference in how she feels. You, however, need to do what you need to do. If cutting her out is what you need to do...do it now.

And this is coming from a woman who only months ago, had this happen to her. Not that I was toxic to this man I was dating..but he felt the relationship had run it's course. I didn't know he felt that way so it was a hurtful thing he did but telling someone it's over is never easy..and there's never a good time if the feelings are not mutual.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Wow, your words are truly speaking to me. You seem very wise. You have me figured out. I do want to fix her. I want to so badly. I truly appreciate your response. I agree. I think she is confused. It's almost like she wants me to beg her to choose me. I'm not 100% sure that she knows how I feel. I'm not the type of person to just cut contact out of nowhere. Should I tell her how I feel, and then cut contact?

[gowalking 10,790]

Here's what I think you should say to her. Tell her you feel there is no future for the two of you...and that you cannot be 'just friends' with her. You simply tell her this and you don't try to tell her what she may not be able to hear and/or process. Believe me...I understand that to walk away with no explanation seems cruel but any more than what is necessary won't help either. As hard as it may be for her, even if you tell her via email, it's better than nothing. But then....you must stay away. No more contact. Otherwise, it's like a parent who threatens a child with some type of punishment and then doesn't see it through. The child then knows the parent isn't serious. If you want this relationship over, you must must must break off contact after you 'explain' why it cannot continue at any level.

Hope this helps.

[Hiraeth 515]

Here's what I think you should say to her. Tell her you feel there is no future for the two of you...and that you cannot be 'just friends' with her. You simply tell her this and you don't try to tell her what she may not be able to hear and/or process. Believe me...I understand that to walk away with no explanation seems cruel but any more than what is necessary won't help either. As hard as it may be for her, even if you tell her via email, it's better than nothing. But then....you must stay away. No more contact. Otherwise, it's like a parent who threatens a child with some type of punishment and then doesn't see it through. The child then knows the parent isn't serious. If you want this relationship over, you must must must break off contact after you 'explain' why it cannot continue at any level.

Hope this helps.

Let me say again how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond so thoroughly to me. You don't even know me and yet, you care enough to give me such great, gentle advice. I truly do appreciate it. I also want to apologize by how wishy washy I seem with this whole thing. It's not easy, because I do still have feelings for her. I trusted her more than anyone in my whole life. I've even dated many people before her, and in person. But for some reason, I clicked with her on such a strong level. We had future plans together. And then, the guilt became too much, I guess, because her sister is LDS and highly against homosexuality.

The other night she defended the girl she slept with after we broke up. It hurt my feelings a lot because that girl pressured her into sleeping with her. She came on to her and even went as far as touching her without consent. She ended up giving in and sleeping with her anyway. The night she defended her, she said that she was "kinda her friend" and that she is easily misled. I felt so disrespected, and I went 2-3 days without saying much to her at all. Then, I got weak and tried to see her point of view. My ex is the type of person who tries to see the best in everyone, and tries to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm like this too, but I feel that the girl she slept with is toxic. So I took it personally, which was probably wrong. Last night I ended up texting her and apologizing. She was persistent with texts after I stopped texting; and I either ignored them completely, or answered very shortly and quite blunt. When I apologized, I said I was sorry and told her that it hurt my feelings. She replied saying, "It's ok. I understand." So, I said ok. I then asked her if she would prefer if we stopped talking. She said, "I like talking to you, but you don't seem interested."

Ha, if only she knew... She admitted that my silence hurt her feelings. I know she seems like a shitty person, but she really isn't. I think her confusion and doubt makes her seem toxic. I do agree that the ways things are between us, is toxic.

What you told me to say to her is almost identical to what I was going to say to her. It had been almost 2 years since we had spoken, and I thought that maybe we could be friends. She reached out to me, so I responded. But as the days went by, she started flirting with me (even if she thinks she wasn't, she truly was) and my feelings resurfaced. I guess my feelings never truly left. I mean, she started talking about old pictures that I had sent her in the past and how she liked them. Am I wrong to see that as flirting? A friend of mine, who is also a friend of hers, told me that he thinks she still has feelings for me, but that she is trying to block them out because she's afraid to acknowledge them. That sounds like her. A part of me is afraid that, if I do end things, it will destroy any chance I have with her. I am aware that a chance with her looks slim right now.

I am going write a rough draft of what I will say to her to cut contact. I will send it when I think it's the right time. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[Icantbelieveit 955]

Stop making excuses for her. She slept with another woman because she wanted to, not because she was forced to. Just like her current relationship. Typical victim mentality she continually has. That is why she is toxic, no other reasons.

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