I need advice about my ex-girlfriend.

[jusabuttafly 4]

I'm confused how does this fit into the surgery group ? Did you have surgery ?

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[ocgirl15 667]

Who knows who she really loves or whether she is using you for a 'fix'. But she sounds toxic.... Even if you could have her back would you really want her? Her baggage and insecurities, the distance, the fact she seems to have no issue cheating on you when you were together and now she seems to want cheat on her fiancé. Mentally she already is. You and her fiancé both deserve better! She is distracting you from finding a partner that loves you and only you. I hope you work this out.

[ocgirl15 667]

I'm confused how does this fit into the surgery group ? Did you have surgery ?

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She posted correctly in the Lounge. She just wants some support and insight... And there is a place for that here.

[Caribear 184]

Who knows who she really loves or whether she is using you for a 'fix'. But she sounds toxic.... Even if you could have her back would you really want her? Her baggage and insecurities, the distance, the fact she seems to have no issue cheating on you when you were together and now she seems to want cheat on her fiancé. Mentally she already is. You and her fiancé both deserve better! She is distracting you from finding a partner that loves you and only you. I hope you work this out.

I agree with this completely. Are you sure that she's telling you the truth about not being with him physically, or is she just telling you what you want to hear so that you will stick around? I have a friend like this, and I have watched her play games with so many people. In my friend's case I think it is a power thing. She needs to feel like she is in control, so she uses relationships and lies to keep people attached to her. I don't know if this is what your ex is doing, but if I were you I wouldn't mess with her anymore. You are worth much more than these head games she appears to be playing with you.

[Cervidae 2,389]

I am a little ashamed to say that I have been on both sides of this. When I was in her position, it was never a matter of wanting control or wanting to string someone along, but it was pretty much entirely about HUGE insecurity and the super attractive prospect of having someone (even someone you never actually plan on being with) that likes/loves you, finds you attractive, etc. At the time, I was young and very insecure, and it wasn't until I grew up that I realized how horribly unfair I was being with this behavior. All I could think about at the time was how I hated myself and felt no one around me valued me or cared about me, so behaving this way even with no intentions of following through made me feel wanted and special. I never actually planned on being with this person, even though he was crazy about me, but I had many of the same behaviors she has been exhibiting: constant texting, flirting, suggestive pictures/messages, etc. I liked knowing that I was only making him want me more and more because it made me feel desirable. You know her, and if you say that she is a genuinely good person, I believe you. I know I am not a bad person but I definitely did some harmful things during a time of great insecurity, doubt, and low self-esteem. Based on her history and situation with her orientation and the judgement and hiding she's doing, plus her own judgement and guilt about herself, I'm better she's doing the same thing I was doing. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do in this situation having experienced it from multiple sides: I would get out now. I know you love this woman and have a history with her and feel close to her. These are all things that are precious and hard to come by. But in the end, until she is willing to understand why she is doing this and admit to herself the underlying causes and actually WORK ON those things, nothing will change here, and you're only enabling her destructive habits. Since she's in the kind of situation where it seems she may never actually look at herself in the mirror and say "okay. I'm gay. And that's okay!" this situation is never even going to begin to change. Even if she were to do that, she would then need to do a ton of introspection and soul searching, and actually make real, concrete changes in her life. Not saying it's not possible (I did it) but it certainly is incredibly hard, and it has to start with a very painful, realistic look at yourself and desire to understand why you're doing this. Most people simply can't or won't do it. Maybe try to talk to her, but be prepared for denial, defensiveness, hurt, and anger. That's all I would have felt before I actually grew up and evolved.

Also, just a side note, this guy that I was doing this to? We didn't speak for a couple years, and then we became friends again, had a looong, honest talk, and we now actually have a healthy friendship. It IS possible to reconstruct a relationship after events like this, but only if she's willing to evolve, and it sounds like she is not. I'm sorry you're in this situation because as I said in the beginning, I have been on the other side of this too, and there are few things more painful than having your heart's desire dangled in front of you and knowing, deep down, that it is not going to happen and shouldn't happen, no matter how much you love her, how much you connect. Some actions can never be taken back. She's betrayed you in more ways than one, and no matter how sweet she is or how much she changes, that betrayal happened and it can never be taken back. I may be reading into all of your words too much, but it seems to me that you already know these things and you know how this is going to end, but you love her and are trying to convince yourself things could magically get better. Unless you can turn back time and control the minds and actions of others, you're going to have to accept the things that have happened and accept the reality of who she is and what she has been doing to you for YEARS. No person who loves you would do this to you. I had to learn that the hard way.

Whatever happens from here out, I truly only wish for the best for you. This is a painful and difficult place to be in. It's like having a thorn in your heart that constantly aches and poisons you, but you don't want to remove it because then you'll have a big hole in your heart. Believe me when I tell you that the hole will heal, and someday you'll look back and wonder why you kept the thorn in so very, very long. Hang in there. My inbox is always open if I can ever help you. <3

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@Hiraeth

Honestly it is nearly impossible to be in a long term committed relationship in which you are supposedly in love with the guy. The reality is, she was lonely and this guy likely became her best friend. Which is fine but at some point he is going to want to be intimate with her.

She may be ok with that relationship but long term, he likely won't.

The sad part is, there is really nothing you can do about it but I would suggest limiting your interaction with her. It is confusing you and I am sure it is confusing her as well.

Part of the issue may be that she doesn't like the baggage that comes along with admitting you are gay. (Her sister is my point).

I am not gay but I have to say if my family shunned me because of it, it would be devasting and although I would likely deal with that, it would not make me feel complete.

I think it takes a lot of time to work through things like this with your family and if she really is getting married out of love, it might not be the right kind of love. Down the road, both of them may end up straying looking for something more intimate. If you feel strong enough, you might suggest she look at her situation a little more closely before she breaks this guys heart and ruins her friendship with you in the process.

All that said, personally I would back off though and see what happens. You don't want to be the cause of her breaking it off with him because if she really does love him she will resent you for it later. Take your time....and let it play out.

[Hiraeth 515]

Who knows who she really loves or whether she is using you for a 'fix'. But she sounds toxic.... Even if you could have her back would you really want her? Her baggage and insecurities, the distance, the fact she seems to have no issue cheating on you when you were together and now she seems to want cheat on her fiancé. Mentally she already is. You and her fiancé both deserve better! She is distracting you from finding a partner that loves you and only you. I hope you work this out.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I would want her back, but the question is: Should I? No, I shouldn't. I know I deserve someone who knows what they want. As for the distance, I would have moved to be with her. I wasn't ready to move a few years ago. She also did not cheat on me when we were together. She ended things before she ever became intimate with anyone. She only developed a crush while we were dating. She said it's because she was lonely because I wasn't there with her in person.

I do agree that she is mentally cheating on her fiance. I feel bad about this. But she said that he doesn't care if she flirts with other people, as long as it doesn't become physical. To me, that sounds so weird. I would never want my significant other to flirt with other people. Their relationship doesn't seem very secure.

[Hiraeth 515]

@@Hiraeth

Honestly it is nearly impossible to be in a long term committed relationship in which you are supposedly in love with the guy. The reality is, she was lonely and this guy likely became her best friend. Which is fine but at some point he is going to want to be intimate with her.

She may be ok with that relationship but long term, he likely won't.

The sad part is, there is really nothing you can do about it but I would suggest limiting your interaction with her. It is confusing you and I am sure it is confusing her as well.

Part of the issue may be that she doesn't like the baggage that comes along with admitting you are gay. (Her sister is my point).

I am not gay but I have to say if my family shunned me because of it, it would be devasting and although I would likely deal with that, it would not make me feel complete.

I think it takes a lot of time to work through things like this with your family and if she really is getting married out of love, it might not be the right kind of love. Down the road, both of them may end up straying looking for something more intimate. If you feel strong enough, you might suggest she look at her situation a little more closely before she breaks this guys heart and ruins her friendship with you in the process.

All that said, personally I would back off though and see what happens. You don't want to be the cause of her breaking it off with him because if she really does love him she will resent you for it later. Take your time....and let it play out.

This is wonderful advice. I'm amazed at how wise these replies are. I am so glad I posted this here. You all are so sweet to be so understanding.

She was lonely, and he did become her best friend. I feel bad for letting her become lonely. We talked constantly, but that wasn't enough for her. Plus, her sister's words and actions triggered even more guilt inside of her.

They are intimate, but they both like different things I suppose. Plus, he can never make the first move with her because it triggers severe PTSD in her.

You are right. She admitted that it is easier for her to live a heterosexual life. She is avoiding a lot of guilt, shame, and persecution. Her parents loved me, but it wasn't enough because her sister was so cruel.

I am almost certain that she will grow bored of him and end things, if not soon, then later. I guess I want to help her also avoid that mess, but I know it is none of my business. So I'm keeping my opinions to myself when I speak to her.

When I try to leave her alone, she becomes more persistent with texting me. She will text me every few hours until I answer. She texts me right when she wakes up, and right before she goes to bed. It's very confusing.

I feel bad leaving her in the dust because I think she confides in me. Either way, I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to disappoint her.

[Hiraeth 515]

I am a little ashamed to say that I have been on both sides of this. When I was in her position, it was never a matter of wanting control or wanting to string someone along, but it was pretty much entirely about HUGE insecurity and the super attractive prospect of having someone (even someone you never actually plan on being with) that likes/loves you, finds you attractive, etc. At the time, I was young and very insecure, and it wasn't until I grew up that I realized how horribly unfair I was being with this behavior. All I could think about at the time was how I hated myself and felt no one around me valued me or cared about me, so behaving this way even with no intentions of following through made me feel wanted and special. I never actually planned on being with this person, even though he was crazy about me, but I had many of the same behaviors she has been exhibiting: constant texting, flirting, suggestive pictures/messages, etc. I liked knowing that I was only making him want me more and more because it made me feel desirable. You know her, and if you say that she is a genuinely good person, I believe you. I know I am not a bad person but I definitely did some harmful things during a time of great insecurity, doubt, and low self-esteem. Based on her history and situation with her orientation and the judgement and hiding she's doing, plus her own judgement and guilt about herself, I'm better she's doing the same thing I was doing. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do in this situation having experienced it from multiple sides: I would get out now. I know you love this woman and have a history with her and feel close to her. These are all things that are precious and hard to come by. But in the end, until she is willing to understand why she is doing this and admit to herself the underlying causes and actually WORK ON those things, nothing will change here, and you're only enabling her destructive habits. Since she's in the kind of situation where it seems she may never actually look at herself in the mirror and say "okay. I'm gay. And that's okay!" this situation is never even going to begin to change. Even if she were to do that, she would then need to do a ton of introspection and soul searching, and actually make real, concrete changes in her life. Not saying it's not possible (I did it) but it certainly is incredibly hard, and it has to start with a very painful, realistic look at yourself and desire to understand why you're doing this. Most people simply can't or won't do it. Maybe try to talk to her, but be prepared for denial, defensiveness, hurt, and anger. That's all I would have felt before I actually grew up and evolved.

Also, just a side note, this guy that I was doing this to? We didn't speak for a couple years, and then we became friends again, had a looong, honest talk, and we now actually have a healthy friendship. It IS possible to reconstruct a relationship after events like this, but only if she's willing to evolve, and it sounds like she is not. I'm sorry you're in this situation because as I said in the beginning, I have been on the other side of this too, and there are few things more painful than having your heart's desire dangled in front of you and knowing, deep down, that it is not going to happen and shouldn't happen, no matter how much you love her, how much you connect. Some actions can never be taken back. She's betrayed you in more ways than one, and no matter how sweet she is or how much she changes, that betrayal happened and it can never be taken back. I may be reading into all of your words too much, but it seems to me that you already know these things and you know how this is going to end, but you love her and are trying to convince yourself things could magically get better. Unless you can turn back time and control the minds and actions of others, you're going to have to accept the things that have happened and accept the reality of who she is and what she has been doing to you for YEARS. No person who loves you would do this to you. I had to learn that the hard way.

Whatever happens from here out, I truly only wish for the best for you. This is a painful and difficult place to be in. It's like having a thorn in your heart that constantly aches and poisons you, but you don't want to remove it because then you'll have a big hole in your heart. Believe me when I tell you that the hole will heal, and someday you'll look back and wonder why you kept the thorn in so very, very long. Hang in there. My inbox is always open if I can ever help you. <3

Wow. That's the first thing I have to say. This is such a thorough, heartfelt, and kind response. I truly appreciate your honesty and the time you took to write this. It means more than you know. You are 100% right. I truly believe that she is insecure. I also feel like she may be trying to relive her past before she makes a commitment to someone else. I think she will be defensive, since she has already shown signs of being this way.

I honestly cannot tell you how much this response has opened my eyes. I have to love myself more than this. Your analogy about the thorn being in the heart is such a perfect description, that I feel like you know me personally. You are very intuitive, and I appreciate that.

Once I've had enough of her bullshit, I'm going to show her this message that you wrote me. I could never put my words into such a perfect way. I won't show who you are, but I needed this to word how I feel correctly. Again, thank you so much. <3

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

I think what I will do is bring up the subject and just come out and ask her how she feels. After that, I will most likely stop contact again.

I was doing so well and had a lot of sunshine in my future with this WLS. Then she pops back up and now the sunshine is dimming. It sucks.

You'll do what you'll do, but if you "ask her how she feels," be aware in advance that you'll be playing her game, dancing her dance. If you're "most likely" [ahem] going to end contact, why does it matter how she feels? Don't look for ways to torment yourself. Don't let her reappearance cast a shadow on your weight stuff. They are separate issues and you don't wan to hand over what makes you feel so good. Never hand over to anyone what makes you feel good. Anyone who would actually accept such a gift is worth neither the gift nor the giver.

[Icantbelieveit 955]

You never met her in person, correct?

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[SassySenior 111]

This is a serious issue with deep implications. I don't think it's the kind of thing you can figure out yourself, or even with the help of a few online friends.

I believe the best way to unravel this whole thing and get solid advice is to see a counselor.

Some will even do a voice chat with you before an appointment.

Best of luck

[chycky 671]

@@Hiraeth very brave to share intimate struggles of the heart! I don't think I am saying anything that has not been said but want you to have another one in the column of "it's not you it's her ".

It is sometimes hardest to let go of those who have let go of us. Be strong and positive and believe in a better path and partner in your future!

[Hiraeth 515]

I think what I will do is bring up the subject and just come out and ask her how she feels. After that, I will most likely stop contact again.

I was doing so well and had a lot of sunshine in my future with this WLS. Then she pops back up and now the sunshine is dimming. It sucks.

You'll do what you'll do, but if you "ask her how she feels," be aware in advance that you'll be playing her game, dancing her dance. If you're "most likely" [ahem] going to end contact, why does it matter how she feels? Don't look for ways to torment yourself. Don't let her reappearance cast a shadow on your weight stuff. They are separate issues and you don't wan to hand over what makes you feel so good. Never hand over to anyone what makes you feel good. Anyone who would actually accept such a gift is worth neither the gift nor the giver.

Gosh, you are so right. If I ask her how she feels, then I will be playing her game. I went too long without texting her last night, so she texted me back. I apologized and said that I was distracted. She was EXTREMELY curious as to what I was distracted by. So I told her that I was soul searching and learning my worth. She then became even more curious. So I told her I was on a forum talking to other people. She wanted to know what forum, but I didn't tell her. She has no right to know. Thank you for your response. <3

You never met her in person, correct?

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No, but we have Skyped. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly don't think she is living a life separate from what she tells me. She sends me about 3 videos a day showing me what she's doing (I'm not sure why, lol). I'm pretty good at knowing who is lying to me, since I've been lied to many times, and I truly don't think she's lying about her life.

@@Hiraeth very brave to share intimate struggles of the heart! I don't think I am saying anything that has not been said but want you to have another one in the column of "it's not you it's her ".

It is sometimes hardest to let go of those who have let go of us. Be strong and positive and believe in a better path and partner in your future!

Thank you! I know it's her, and not me. I know I have a lot of love to give, and that she made a mistake by leaving me. I also know that if I had been there with her in person, I'd be the one she chooses. But I'm not there, that's why this isn't working. Again, thank you. <3

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

You never met her in person, correct?

No, but we have Skyped. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly don't think she is living a life separate from what she tells me. She sends me about 3 videos a day showing me what she's doing (I'm not sure why, lol). I'm pretty good at knowing who is lying to me, since I've been lied to many times, and I truly don't think she's lying about her life.

I wasn't aware that you'd never met, my responsibility for not having read the entire story. You have my best wishes for making a wise decision and figuring out what kind of life makes sense for you.