Totally frustrated and don't know what to do

[yoyolifechange11 18]

I am literally at the end of my rope here and don't know what to do. I've gone to the seminars and scheduled my consultation appt in 2 weeks for sleeve surgery. I've not told anyone about this because "my weight" has become such a huge issue within my marriage and family. My husband views weight gain as a result of being weak and "giving up fighting for life". I've been my heaviest the past 2 years and they have been absolute misery. I've tried every diet known to man, only to plateau or loose so slowly that I end up giving up. I don't work outside the home so hubby thinks I should be "fighting for my family" everyday by going to the gym for 6 hours. Every morning I'm met with the "so whats your plan for exercise today?" instead of good morning or i love you. His nagging and negative comments about my weight have led to most of my unhappiness, which I counter balance by eating. I've tried and tried to talk to him about how he makes me feel, but he feels this is a black and white situation....I either want to loose the weight and will go full force with an exercise plan or I don't. Simple as that. If only, right?

So secretly I've been going through the steps and researching the sleeve surgery, getting my thoughts together on when and how I can make it work and as usual, he asks me first thing this morning what my plan of attack was with exercise today. I reply "eliptical" to which he starts the normal lecture about how that's not enough, its not gonna give me the results I need, I've gotta go hard, he thinks I would've had more results by now......so I decide to broach the subject of "getting some drastic done" to which he boldly tells me gastric bypass is nothing but giving up, taking the easy way out, how will the kids react knowing their mother wouldn't fight for her family, fight for her marriage. I said I wasn't doing bypass and he asks "what then"? and I refused to tell him. I said I didn't trust him, obviously I don't have his support, and there was no reason for him to know. He asks "well than why are we together" and I'm left thinking I really don't know.

I refuse to let him see me naked, we haven't made love in over a year because he makes me feel like a fat slob, so theres no way I'm down for giving myself to him in that way. I don't work, so I have no income of my own. Insurance won't pay for this, so I'm left wondering how I will pay for this without having to go to him and ask for the money.

I was finally proud of myself for being selfish for once and I do view this as a total fight for my family and children. Im trying to think big picture and make a true lifestyle change and because it's not a "6hr in the gym" change HE wants, it's not worthwhile.....

what to do? What to do?

[borg/assimilated 576]

Why wouldn't your considering WLS be viewed as fighting for your family? Your husband sounds unreasonable and tormenting. For many of us being active and going to the gym still wasn't enough to lose an appreciable amount of weight. I wish you luck. Maybe if you keep mentioning the process it will be like the slow drip wearing down the rock.

[Elode 8,093]

What a yucky situation! It's hard if you don't have a job and insurance to be able to have the surgery. The surgery isn't cheap so if your husband says no then does that mean you can't do it? I'm sorry he's being a jerk! I don't work at this time (back in college) but luckily me husband supports me and any decisions I make. I guess you have a couple options you can A) come clean and ask him for the support and money (doesn't seem likely) He can come home and find out you have a job and don't need his A** for anything , that may shut him up? There's power in being independent. You won't need permission for anything. I don't know that's just hard if you don't have the means to support yourself. So is he saying and acting this way because he figures if you don't have a job then you have plenty of time to work on getting healthy? That's what I'm getting from his comments.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Elode

[Ms. Reid 51]

Sounds to me like your husband is getting off on putting you down. You need to get a job and become more independent..get your own insurance and do it anyway. I am almost 4 weeks post-op and there is no way this is the easy way out.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am going to assume that he is behaving like an idiot-ass because he does not understand obesity. Example, it is well known that you can "eat your way" through ANY exercise program. The key is food. The problem is once you are obese, that fat triggers even more hunger so it is very very difficult.

I have no idea your stats (weight, BMI etc) but I assume you are at least 100# overweight if you are considering surgery. I strongly suggest mediation/couples counseling because you two don't even have a common understanding of the problem.

[yoyolifechange11 18]

Yes, that's exactly what he thinks. He thinks he's given me all the necessary time to devote to getting myself in shape, so he doesn't understand why it's not my #1 priority in life. Getting in shape and looking good so I don't want to hide in the house all the time is "putting my marriage and him first". He views my whole weight gain as me not loving him enough to want to look good for him, to put us back on the path of an intimate relationship, etc. I understand that, but I've resisted doing anything "for him" because of the tough love approach he has taken as his way of "encouraging me".

I would get a job, but I want the weight gone first. We have enough money that I can have the surgery, and I even have my own money with an advisor, I just hate doing this behind his back. And once I do it, I doubt he will respect me not wanting the world to know. He's all about having integrity and being honest. Ugh I can't stop crying about all this

[yoyolifechange11 18]

And yes, I'm 230 and 5'5

[woo woo 872]

This sounds like an unhealthy situation.

He seems to have a very strong personality/opinions. That is fine, but you have to be very careful not to let someone with this personality type step all over you and overwhelm you.

Be straightforward and firm with him.

[breadwoman 14]

Are you looking for him to approve you? You have to do what is right for you. The family insurance that he has is also your insurance. If you need to have your gallbladder out would he have to approve that? You can tell him you are having the surgery and you would appreciate his support. Integrity is admitting that you need more help than exercise alone. Honesty is letting him know your plans. Respect is a 2-way street. You should ask him how can you respect someone who does not respect you. I think maybe you guys need some family counseling. Does he have a EAP program with his insurance? You can call them and get some help with counseling. Be brave stop crying and take charge of your life. If/when you have the surgery there is still a lot of work involved that you will need strength and determination for it to work. Maybe you could have him go to one of the pre-surgery informative meetings.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

It sounds to me like you'd need to lose about 80 pounds to get to a "normal" BMI. Not extreme at all in the bariatric world. Do you have family health insurance? Are you sure this isn't covered? Your BMI is over 38, and do you have any co-morbidities like diabetes, asthma, apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure? Those go into the calculation as well. You might also look into your state laws governing insurance coverage for bariatric surgery.

As for your husband.... Is he controlling and cruel in other areas as well? Sounds, at the very least, like you guys need some serious counseling. Is there any chance that you can drag him to an information session or appointment with a bariatric surgeon so he can learn about it? Most people who vehemently oppose the procedure don't know the first thing about it. A little education might go a long way. He wants you thinner, and here's a tool to help you get there. Win-win! And why not use tools to make our lives easier? That's what separates us from animals, for crying out loud!!! "Punkinvine" made an excellent and very funny point yesterday about this exact subject that you might want to share with your hubby....

You know the next time you see a person with a flat tire and you stop to see if they need help. Just think what they would say if you said... "If you use a compressor to fill that tire up you are doing it the easy way. You should just put your mouth on the valve stem and blow!"

Share that story with him to see if it gives him any perspective. I hope you can find a way to initiate a long-range plan to get your surgery, lose the weight, get a job, and then take your kids and leave this chump if he doesn't get his head out of his a$$!.

Good luck!!!!

Edited March 20, 2015 by Rogofulm

[MountianGirl 109]

I think you need to ask yourself that if you lose weight is he going to change or will he nag/verbally abuse you about something else? I have a dear friend with the same issue and when she did lose weight he found something else to b*tch about. Have you thought about marriage counselling? Sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to do whatever he wants and can blame on your weight. Just my opinion. Please know that my heart aches for you and I hope you can find some peace with whatever decision you make.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Don't do it behind his back. That is toxic.

[yoyolifechange11 18]

He has been the ideal husband in every area of our life except my weight. It is literally the only thing he has ever nagged me about. He just sent me a text saying he loves me and will support any decision I make and whatever course I choose to do...thank you everyone for the support. We've done counseling on and off and I end up leaving because all that comes out of it is that "he wants me to be happy & healthy" lol

[Jennifer2322 10]

Oh girl. My heart just broke for you. I know exactly what you're going through! My ex husband treated me the exact same way. And I kicked his sorry butt to the curb because I knew that my son & I deserved so much better, and my son didn't need to witness his father belittling me. Sweetie, you have to do what is right for YOU! If your husband isn't going to be supportive then that is his problem. This is YOUR life. You need to do what is best for YOU! If your method of conquering the problem doesn't meet up to your husbands ideas and expectations, so be it. He needs to understand that he cannot control you like he is. It sounds like money to pay for the surgery isn't a problem, so go for it! Do it for yourself and your children. If he is any kind of man who truly loves you, he will come around and support you in YOUR decision for YOUR life. You can do this!

[bikrchk 1,313]

I applaud you for wanting to get healthy. I was right around 36-37 BMI when I started and have seen miraculous health benefits with the loss of 90+ pounds.

The hubs sounds like a toxic control freak. Sounds like he doesn't want you to lose weight for your health. He wants you to do it for him and for vanity and do it HIS way. If you think that your losing weight will "fix" the relationship, I'm guessing it won't. Don't do this for vanity alone or for anyone other than yourself. I agree with the "get some outside help" advice.

I wouldn't go behind his back but if you choose to do it without his support, that's YOUR decision. I'm not clear on whether you don't "have" insurance or whether you can't utilize it without his knowledge\approval as he's the working party. If this is something you're committed to, and his insurance isn't an option, you can self pay with the money you say you have or get a job with its own insurance and go that route. Just an FYI, I happen to work for a hospital with a baritaric program and though surgery was not on my radar when I took this job, the hospital benefit (they covered my employee portion after insurance) is a benefit you can't buy! I really didn't have much out of pocket at all.

In any case, you need to be prepared for the fact that WLS can test good relationships and ruin already struggling relationships even when both parties want it in the beginning. Change can be hard.

Good luck in your decision. I hope you get it worked out.

Edited March 20, 2015 by bikrchk