Hello, I am about two weeks post-op and my husband says that he is not attracted to me at all after seeing my incisions, my drain, etc. He says he doesn't know if his attraction will come back and if it does, how long it will take. Did anyone else have similar experiences. What do I do?

Seems like there's more to this. I just can't imagine that just a few scars & a drain caused him to do a complete 360 in regards to his love.

My husband has been there through 14 surgeries & 3 births. I had the drain twice coming out of my neck, once when they removed 1/2 of my thyroid. And again, when they removed the other half due to cancer. I looked & felt like a Borg . My daughter who was 14 asked to remove it & clean it for me, then reattached it.

Your husband needs to man up. And if he can't, he is simply unworthy of you.,,but something tells me you know this already.

Edited February 28, 201511 yr by ProjectMe

I'm sorry for what he said to you. I'm guessing it hurt/bothered you or you wouldn't have posted about it.

My hubs isn't exactly a blood & guts guy. That stuff bothers him. Whereas I love that stuff - probably should have had a career in the medical field. Anyhow, although he would not want to be seeing such "ick", he'd never say something like that. Ever.

I have a wonderful rebuttal but it's not appropriate here.

Okay...I can lose weight, your thing will always be small.

I too am sorry you had to hear that and I agree with the majority of the comments. I believe that he's mentally preparing himself for you to be skinny and possibly leave him so he's trying to play mind games and belittle you now so you won't leave and you'll be insecure. In all my training a it's a form of abuse to control someone with negative comments.

Stay strong cause all this work we're putting in will eventually build our self confidence so much that nothing will get us down!!!

Good luck!

Thats sad, I wish my husband would. He helped me take a shower and washed the first day home. Henis a very strong and secure man. If he loves you his love should be unconditional. Did he pay attention to his vows? Good luck honey! Just try to seek some help if you feel the marriage is worth it. But never let a man abuse your confidence and self esteem.

Wow. I pretty much agree with all the previous comments. What a completely selfish dick. I would be seeking a divorce attorney, and be sure he knew how unsatisfying he is in bed, and all other aspects of his shallown personality. I am so incredibly sorry for you.

everyones comments are all over the board. heres my 2 cents for what its worth. sounds to me like he is definitly insecure an I also think maybe this is being used as the excuse or should I say this is the icing on the cake..like maybe there was already unresolved issues before the surgery? you dont have to answer that...when men (sorry men I dont mean to stereo type y'all) but when my hubs gets irritated an something on his mind thats serious an he doesnt know how to bring it up (which your actually went as far as really hurting you I feel bad for you) but mine will say something an blurt it out an then we cool off come back an talk about it heart to heart. can you draw him out any? I know your hurting emotionally. that was really mean ..I dont want to plant ideas in your head ...so I am going to stop right there. sounds like he's angry bc you are trying to better yourself an leaving him behind I dont know you nor him ...how about couples therapy to get this talked out? just throwing this out here. I believe in marriage an the vows take it seriously. none of us are perfect an in our insecurities we say things we really dont mean. I sure hope you 2 can sit an have a heart to heart. ...xx

He's jealous and afraid of what the new you will be like! Prove him wrong and get beyond sexy!

@@marbelvsg What?! That's just crazy! A few incisions are turning him off? I'm not laughing at your situation but I did lol at his stupidity. You can reassure him (if you think it's even worth it) that your incisions will heal and that drain will be removed. I'm not not going to bad mouth your husband And I'm not about to give you relationship advice seeing as how your husband/wife relationship is not my business BUT I would just focus on Getting your water, protein, and healing completed. Don't worry to much about his attraction issues, you can deal with that nonsense later...on to bigger and better things

Physical scars will heal and fade, but the memory of hurtful words last a lifetime. I hope you can talk this out and that he is not abusive in other ways! Blessings to you for getting the surgery and that you are one your way to a new life!

I doubt my husband found me sexually attractive at 2 weeks - hell I was back in the hospital with a kidney infection at that point! Hooked to up to a PICC line, a drain, I hadn't washed my hair in days - there is no way I was sexually attractive.

But . . . that's not why he married me. He married me because he loves me, not because I'm sexy 24/7.

Honestly, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than to say that sometimes our husbands say stupid, stupid things. You don't necessarily have to dump him. You should, however, make sure he LOVES you. If he loves you, the shock from your appearance will wear off, and you'll start to look a little more normal again, and his attraction will return because after all, he loves you. He's just a little shocked (and hopefully, concerned for your welfare - my husband was too busy worrying over my Fluid and Protein intake to think about sex). If he doesn't love you, or love you enough, then it really doesn't matter what you look like, even at your best.

It is not uncommon that when someone in the relationship is going through a drastic change that the other partner tends to feel insecure cause they will lose their position in the relationship. I recommend that if you are willing to work it out and confront him about his behavior and comments then seek some counseling. It's tough to deal with such comments when are trying to make a positive change. Keep doing the best that you can, at the end of the day you still have to live with you. Good luck.

I am sure you were very hurt by what your husband said! That was very rude to say that to you. It sounds like he is a very jealous. disrespectful and abusive person! A real man would not say that to you! Who does he put first in his life? It should be the Lord first and then he would think before he speaks! You should be second and then your kids! It sounds like he is insecure and afraid that you are going to look great and you will see what a jerk he is! All you can do is change yourself! Leave him up to the Lord! Congratulations for taking control of your own life by getting the surgery! Put you and your needs first! You are a very valuable person and you can do what is necessary to succeed in this new endeavor in your life! Many Blessings to you! Love, Gerry Riedel

Now more than ever, focus on yourself and getting better. File those comments to look at later and evaluate when you are healed. Don't internalize his comments so u won't delay your progress. You are moving ahead, with or without him! Stay focused.

Bariatric surgery definitely exposes the hidden dynamics in a relationship. Instead of thinking "I love him, so why does he treat me this way?" start thinking "Why would I love someone who treats me this way?" I am guessing that he resisted you getting surgery in the first place. Go for the revenge factor and get as sexy and sassy as you want to be. You have made the first step in taking control of your health. Don't give any of your power over you life away to him or anyone else.

I threw two ex-husbands to the curb. The first one was my high-school sweet-heart and we were married 23 years. He got a mid-life crisis, and I got to worry about him bringing home other womens' germs to me. His response to my baby weight gain from having kids was that I had become too ugly to live.

My second ex-husband of ten years was totally controlling and began to mistake me for a punching bag. so, see ya - wouldn't wanna be ya, restraining order and all.

After taking two years off from men and relationships, so that I could get to know my own self. I had to learn what kind of music I liked, what my own favorite foods were, what did I want to watch on TV if no one else was barging in and changing the channels, who I was when no one else influenced my decisions. Could I make it on my own. Was being alone better that being with an a**?

I met my gentleman friend of eight years, now. he is a gift from God, and totally supportive of anything I want to do.

What I am saying is that if his response is an indication of how he was feeling about you anyway, then I would suggest keeping a notebook / diary hidden away. Write down his snarky comments so that you can review it later to remind yourself that it is not your imagination and he is hurting your feelings on purpose. My diary was a valuable tool at the divorce hearing. In a Walmart he told me that he was sick and tired of looking at my ugly face. That's when I realized that his private humiliation of me was going public.

If your man is just insecure, he will apologize. But I'll tell you this...my first ex would rather have choked to death than to ever say he was sorry for hurting my feelings. You have a lot to think about. There are good men and women out there who will treat us decently. Life is too short to live with a jerk.