I just read a post about how long it takes to see what others see and I thought this was a good topic to bring up on the forum.

Most of the time, we ask this question in terms of seeing the newer, smaller versions of ourselves but this is really about what we see or don't see whether we're bigger or smaller.

For me..I never really saw how large I was when I looked in the mirror. Then I would be shocked and mortified when I'd see a picture of myself because there was no doubt I was a very fat woman. What is it about folks like us who cannot see what is obvious? I don't know that answer, but it's an interesting question.

So...what happens when we lose the weight? For me, and many others, I had a terrible moment a few weeks after hip replacement surgery, and about ten months out of band surgery. I was about 170 lbs. at that time and down about 90 lbs. from my heaviest. My hair was thin and looked terrible...my face was saggy and I saw an old woman staring back at me when I looked in the mirror.

It was so bad that I found myself in therapy shortly thereafter. I needed to get help to recognize myself. Thank goodness I was seeing a professional because once I went back to work after being on disability for two months, no one recognized me in the office...because I looked so much thinner and was not on the cane much anymore. If not for my therapist, I might have gone crackers during this time.

So while she has helped me, I am even nearly a year later, still struggling with what I see versus what everyone else sees. I am surely getting used to the way I look now and my head tells me I am thin...pictures bear this out, and I do find that I can recognize myself when I look at my reflection.

What I still struggle with is that I feel like I'm still a fat girl who has managed to figure out a way to fake it. Because I look thin, people think I've always been this way and have no idea what it's like to be thinking about staying in control all the time when it comes to food.

Just yesterday, I was in an all day training going out of my mind. I found myself nibbling much of the day. A little bit here, a little bit there. I even had two Cookies after lunch and I never do that. What I was thinking though was that if I was still fat, I'd be embarrased to go for those cookies knowing that everyone would be wondering why I was eating them considering how big I was. But because I'm not big anymore, no one paid attention. The problem was....those cookies were as deadly for me yesterday as they would have been 145 lbs. ago.

I have my therapist tonight and I'm going to talk about this. I want to do everything I can to not put weight back on and that includes high calorie crap that gets past the band with ease. I may have lost all this weight, but I am still very much a work in progress and still need this site for the help and support you all give me.

Sorry for the length of this post...but would welcome your thoughts and comments.

What a fantastic thread! I am taking out a pen and writing "worthy" on my hand right now. It's a hard thing for me to remember. Worthy and deserving of all good things. I used to write "willing" on my hand from time to time, because I was willing to do whatever it took to heal. Well, for me apparently it took surgery because now I feel like I am truly healing. I never felt like I belonged or that I was welcome. This may have to do with being adopted. When my parents got me there was an intention that finally having a baby would make my mother happy, that all of her problems had to do with her inability to carry a baby to term. Well, I didn't deliver. I was carried in shame by some one who could not deal with having an out of wedlock baby and given to some one who was not able to deal with the real sources of unhappiness in her life. I think that gets into our cells somehow. Meanwhile I am so fortunate to be truly loved. Adored even. But I had trouble accepting it, feeling it, because I could not truly adore myself. Now I'm getting glimpses of that. I sort of look at myself as a character in a book and admire some attribute -- then there is this feeling of, "oh, don't get carried away with yourself." Dammit, I'm ready to be carried away. I'm ready to really get it that I am one wonderful human being. I matter. And I'm welcome.

I'm currently struggling with this... I'm down 31 lbs since surgery and 74 lbs since I began the whole process in July.

I keep getting comments, "You're disappearing!", "Skinny lady", "You're melting." But I don't see it...

I'm finally just under 200 lbs, for the first time in 15 years. I put on my prom dress a few weekends ago and I totally could have worn it.

I need to figure out how to make my brain catch up...

What do you see when you look in the mirror ?

@@gowalking

short and sweet.........

i see a person that is soooo happy with life

and who happens to look "cute as a button too"

kathy