I just read a post about how long it takes to see what others see and I thought this was a good topic to bring up on the forum.

Most of the time, we ask this question in terms of seeing the newer, smaller versions of ourselves but this is really about what we see or don't see whether we're bigger or smaller.

For me..I never really saw how large I was when I looked in the mirror. Then I would be shocked and mortified when I'd see a picture of myself because there was no doubt I was a very fat woman. What is it about folks like us who cannot see what is obvious? I don't know that answer, but it's an interesting question.

So...what happens when we lose the weight? For me, and many others, I had a terrible moment a few weeks after hip replacement surgery, and about ten months out of band surgery. I was about 170 lbs. at that time and down about 90 lbs. from my heaviest. My hair was thin and looked terrible...my face was saggy and I saw an old woman staring back at me when I looked in the mirror.

It was so bad that I found myself in therapy shortly thereafter. I needed to get help to recognize myself. Thank goodness I was seeing a professional because once I went back to work after being on disability for two months, no one recognized me in the office...because I looked so much thinner and was not on the cane much anymore. If not for my therapist, I might have gone crackers during this time.

So while she has helped me, I am even nearly a year later, still struggling with what I see versus what everyone else sees. I am surely getting used to the way I look now and my head tells me I am thin...pictures bear this out, and I do find that I can recognize myself when I look at my reflection.

What I still struggle with is that I feel like I'm still a fat girl who has managed to figure out a way to fake it. Because I look thin, people think I've always been this way and have no idea what it's like to be thinking about staying in control all the time when it comes to food.

Just yesterday, I was in an all day training going out of my mind. I found myself nibbling much of the day. A little bit here, a little bit there. I even had two Cookies after lunch and I never do that. What I was thinking though was that if I was still fat, I'd be embarrased to go for those cookies knowing that everyone would be wondering why I was eating them considering how big I was. But because I'm not big anymore, no one paid attention. The problem was....those cookies were as deadly for me yesterday as they would have been 145 lbs. ago.

I have my therapist tonight and I'm going to talk about this. I want to do everything I can to not put weight back on and that includes high calorie crap that gets past the band with ease. I may have lost all this weight, but I am still very much a work in progress and still need this site for the help and support you all give me.

Sorry for the length of this post...but would welcome your thoughts and comments.

Wow, and I always thought it was just me! Actually, there is a post on here somewhere from several months ago that kinda talks about this same thing. For me, I am the one who absolutely saw every last ounce of fat on my body when I was 283 lbs. And now, when I look in the mirror at 141 lbs less, I still see that 283 lbs woman staring back at me. Intellectually, I know that 141 lbs has to have made SOME difference in my appearance. But what I see when I look in the mirror hasn't changed. It's a real struggle for me too because it makes me feel that I still need to try to continue to lose weight. My surgeon has actually expressed concern to me because every month when I see him, he asks if I'm finished losing weight. My answer is always "No. I want to lose a little bit more." I know that I have reached a point now where he wants me to stop losing and just try to maintain so the "little bit more" is really an avoidance of giving him a number. I'd rather he think it's 1 or 2 lbs more rather than telling him about the 10 lbs that I'd really like to lose. During my last visit, he even told me NOT to come back this month and tell him him I want to lose more. He was quite stern with me. But the real problem is that I just don't see that "thin" person that everyone else tells me they see. I see FAT. Lots and lots of FAT. Especially around my mid-section. I really wish I could see the true image of what I really look like but I just can't see it. I don't know why.

I was in denial about how big I was. I did not want to be seen in pictures and in my life. Being smaller but not to my surgery or personal goal yet. I still struggle with who I see in the mirror as I'm loosing weight. I hope that will change once I get to maintenance and a year or more out.

The biggest change is I am an active participant in life now. I want to be out and accomplishing so many things. My family is beyond happy for my personality change over the weight loss..And I admit so am I. Yes the weight loss is great. but to have my life back means so much more.

Hoping my eyes will see the new me in the mirror. I do see the new me inside so much clearer.

Wow, and I always thought it was just me! Actually, there is a post on here somewhere from several months ago that kinda talks about this same thing. For me, I am the one who absolutely saw every last ounce of fat on my body when I was 283 lbs. And now, when I look in the mirror at 141 lbs less, I still see that 283 lbs woman staring back at me. Intellectually, I know that 141 lbs has to have made SOME difference in my appearance. But what I see when I look in the mirror hasn't changed. It's a real struggle for me too because it makes me feel that I still need to try to continue to lose weight. My surgeon has actually expressed concern to me because every month when I see him, he asks if I'm finished losing weight. My answer is always "No. I want to lose a little bit more." I know that I have reached a point now where he wants me to stop losing and just try to maintain so the "little bit more" is really an avoidance of giving him a number. I'd rather he think it's 1 or 2 lbs more rather than telling him about the 10 lbs that I'd really like to lose. During my last visit, he even told me NOT to come back this month and tell him him I want to lose more. He was quite stern with me. But the real problem is that I just don't see that "thin" person that everyone else tells me they see. I see FAT. Lots and lots of FAT. Especially around my mid-section. I really wish I could see the true image of what I really look like but I just can't see it. I don't know why.

I see a therapist because of my issues. Nothing to be ashamed of if you need to see someone. You don't want to have any problems with your health by getting too thin because you can't see in your head, what you look like. To me, obesity is just the other side of the coin when people are diagnosed with anorexia. It's the inability to see the reality of what one looks like whether it's too big or too small. Good luck dear and please think about it. I know it's helped me even though I still struggle.

I had an interesting jeans experience today. I've gotten into the habit of checking out Goodwill on weekends because I've been giving away my larger clothes and have to replace them. I have one pair of jeans that currently fit but, God willing, will have to replace them in a few weeks if my weight loss keeps its current pace. Today I tried on 8 pairs of jeans. 7 pairs were too big (18w). The final pair was a junior 17 and was way too tight. It was hung on the wrong rack. I went back out to the racks and looked for 16w. There was no 16w. I looked and looked and realized that for jeans, I no longer have plus sizes to try on. At least at Goodwill. This was a nice thing but rather scary for me. So scary that I left. I wasn't ready to walk over to the regular racks and attempt a non-plus size pair of jeans no matter what the number was. I may go back tomorrow and try jeans in the regular sizes. I still wear plus size blouses so I'll try some of those on. But it was a weird, weird day today. I never expected to be so unsettled and scared of a regular size. I've been obese for so long that I feel like an imposter looking in the regular racks.

Side note. Last week a young man in a store called me "Miss". Not "Ma'am". That hasn't happened in years. I thought about that for days.

I see a therapist because of my issues. Nothing to be ashamed of if you need to see someone. You don't want to have any problems with your health by getting too thin because you can't see in your head, what you look like. To me, obesity is just the other side of the coin when people are diagnosed with anorexia. It's the inability to see the reality of what one looks like whether it's too big or too small. Good luck dear and please think about it. I know it's helped me even though I still struggle.

Thanks @@gowalking . I am seriously considering counseling. I really hadn't thought of it until the last few weeks though. I've had at least 3 different friends(none of them know each other) who have expressed concern to me about how thin they think I am and that they're concerned. Two of them said "You are walking a very fine line right now between health and anorexia". I kind of brushed it off and didn't think much of it until my surgeon said something at my last visit. He was kind but stern and let me know that he wouldn't approve of me losing more than just a few more pounds. I knew that what I was seeing in the mirror was quite different than what everyone else was seeing but I don't think I realized how much different until he said something to me about how thin I am getting. He and I had a long talk about my self image and inability to see myself as I really am though. I left feeling kind of numb. I don't know. I know that I need to work on seeing myself differently and I need to learn to focus on the positive things that I see rather than just seeing the flaws. I am, and always have been, my own worst critic though. Anyway, I think that if things don't begin to improve soon, I will probably seek counseling to see if that will help. In the meantime, I'm just going to try to follow the advice of my surgeon. If he tells me it's time to stop losing when I see him again in a few weeks, I will do what he says. I don't want to. But I will. I will do it because I know the risks of being too thin. I actually have cared for patients who died as a result of anorexia. I don't want to be that person who becomes ill or, worse, dies as a result of not being able to maintain a healthy weight because of psychological issues. Who would have ever thought that, in the span of 1 year, I would go from being 100+ lbs overweight to the point of being in a place where I have people concerned that I'm about to cross the line to being anorexic???

I looked and looked and realized that for jeans, I no longer have plus sizes to try on. At least at Goodwill. This was a nice thing but rather scary for me. So scary that I left. I wasn't ready to walk over to the regular racks and attempt a non-plus size pair of jeans no matter what the number was. I may go back tomorrow and try jeans in the regular sizes. I still wear plus size blouses so I'll try some of those on. But it was a weird, weird day today. I never expected to be so unsettled and scared of a regular size. I've been obese for so long that I feel like an imposter looking in the regular racks.

I was the same way for quite awhile. It took me a LONG time before I could go shopping anywhere and not automatically go to the plus size section of the store. I would go into a store, find the plus size section and then realize there was nothing there to fit me. The first few times it happened, I did like you and just left. Then I started to wander over into the regular sizes once I would see that there was nothing in the plus sizes to fit me. I am finally reaching a point where I don't bother looking at plus sizes because I finally know that I don't belong there anymore. The problem now is that I still pick up larger sizes than what I actually wear. In fact, I bought some tops a few weeks ago. I bought them all in medium, thinking they would fit because of the way they're made. I got home, tried them on, and had to bag them up and take them back to the store to exchange them for small. I obviously have no clue how to judge things by looking at them anymore as to whether they will fit my body or not. Anyway, I vowed that day that I will try everything on before buying it from now on because I can never buy the right size if I don't.

After I wrote the above post, I changed into my jammies for the night. I looked closely at the tag on the jeans I took off. The reason they fit is that they are a size 16. Gloria Vanderbilt size 16 jeans. I must have found them on the plus size rack at Goodwill last time I went and never noticed they were not 18w. They were snug when I bought them and fit now. So I am already wearing a 16. I am shocked.

Edited November 9, 201411 yr by JustWatchMe

Control and punishment. Hallmarks of eating disorders. Like it or not, we all have had an eating disorder. It is why we ended up having this surgery. In my opinion, this surgery is not only a chance to lose weight and combat obesity, but to correct an eating disorder...to develop a normal, healthy relationship with food. I cringe sometimes reading these boards, seeing people develop a new obsession, that of control, or that of punishment. Control is a novelty to us...we are no longer hungry, no longer have our insides clawing at us for food. It is refreshing to have this new level of control over appetite. But, instead of obsessing over eating, we start to obsess over NOT eating...not eating too many carbs, not drinking our calories, not eating before bed. I challenge all of you to visit a pro-ana website. Compare some of the "rules." Anything sound familiar? We also have a drive to punish ourselves for ever being fat. It feels do good to be thin, how could we have ever let ourselves go? So now we've had surgery, so we can't EVER have good we enjoy ever again. That is how we got into this mess, right? Wrong! We had an unhealthy relationship with that comfort food. We ate when we were sad, happy, lonely, etc. Occasional indulgence is healthy, not absolute abstinence or over indulgence. Did ultra restrictive diets ever work long term? No...or else we wouldn't have had to have surgery. A piece of cake and done I've cream on your birthday is not going to make you fat again. Normal people eat treats on special occasions. It is a healthy relationship with food. The most successful sleeve person I've ever met never counted calories and never formally exercised a day after her surgery. She got it. This surgery gives us a chance to finally be NORMAL. Don't blow it by developing a different but just as unhealthy eating disorder. Stop worrying, counting, and weighing, just start living.

@, is your profile info still correct? Because 142 for a 5'6" person sounds about right for any size frame. But, I would be concerned if several different people have said something to you, especially your surgeon. You've done so well losing weight, now is just your time to learn how to maintain. That may mean eating a little more, or maybe adding some foods back into your diet. The slippery slope is scary and as an overweight person I feel that I will always be on that slope but I'm learning to deal with it. Best wishes to you, take care of yourself!

@, is your profile info still correct? Because 142 for a 5'6" person sounds about right for any size frame. But, I would be concerned if several different people have said something to you, especially your surgeon. You've done so well losing weight, now is just your time to learn how to maintain. That may mean eating a little more, or maybe adding some foods back into your diet. The slippery slope is scary and as an overweight person I feel that I will always be on that slope but I'm learning to deal with it. Best wishes to you, take care of yourself!

@@Leepers , Yes, my profile information is correct. That's one of the things I use to justify that I'm not being unhealthy in wanting to lose more. That puts my BMI at 22.9, which is in the healthy range but I could still lose more and be within a healthy range. Also, when you look at all of the different charts, I could lose more according to those too. I'm not overweight on any of the charts, which I think is maybe what he's looking at. I don't know. For me, it isn't as simple as just not being overweight anymore. I really didn't think anything of my friends' comments, initially, because, of the ones who mentioned, only one of them isn't overweight. I think that, as a society, we have gotten so used to people being overweight that our view of what is healthy is skewed. And they're used to the fat me so I just assumed that their perception of what I should look like was skewed by what they were used to seeing. And then the surgeon said something to me about it and that's when I really started to think about it and became concerned(and confused). I think some of it is that I have huge boobs. Always have. Even after losing 141 lbs, I still wear a 34DDD. So it's kind of that Dolly Parton effect. My boobs are so big they make everything else look smaller(to everyone else) in comparison!lol..Or at least, I'm guessing that's it because to me, it all looks fat. Regardless, you're right...it is a slippery slope and one that I will probably spend the rest of my life trying not to slide off either side into anorexia or obesity(again). The surgeon has talked to me about learning how to move into maintenance and has suggested that I start to add some things back into my diet now. He suggested taking baby steps instead of going all out. He told me to start with little things like having a few crackers with my tuna or a piece of fruit with my meal instead of just having all protein and veggies. I've been doing the crackers on occasion but I find it difficult to add other things back in just yet. Part of that is because I still want to lose a few more pounds though. I think it will be easier once I KNOW I'm at MY goal. And, after talking with my surgeon, I think I've decided that my goal is no more than 5 lbs away. If I lose that 5 lbs and I'm still feeling like I look like the Good Year Blimp, then perhaps I need to still just shift into maintenance and hope my brain catches up to my body soon after. Otherwise, I will talk to him about a referral for some counseling.

Edited November 9, 201411 yr by countrysweet

I have lost 26 pounds on pre-surgery diet and post surgery. Not a lot for the WLS world but a huge amount for me. I hate to say it, I do not see any difference. Perhaps my face looks a little thinner but I feel the same. I suppose when people start noticing I will get positive feedback and that will help. I am only 12 days post surgery, I suppose Rome was not conquered in 12 days.

I have lost 26 pounds on pre-surgery diet and post surgery. Not a lot for the WLS world but a huge amount for me. I hate to say it, I do not see any difference. Perhaps my face looks a little thinner but I feel the same. I suppose when people start noticing I will get positive feedback and that will help. I am only 12 days post surgery, I suppose Rome was not conquered in 12 days.

Sweetie...most of us had/have so much to lose that we didn't notice...or anyone else for that matter till we were down 50 lbs. or more. 26 lbs. is a great start but you are just beginning and like you said, Rome wasn't built in a day...or 12 days. It will come, believe me. Start learning now how to take a compliment because they'll be coming fast and furious soon enough.

I'm coming up to my two year bandiversary and still can't figure out how I dropped a whole person. I never lost more than three pounds in a single week, and most of the time, I lost less that two lbs. a week and yet here I am, a shadow of my former self. The hard part is being the smallest person in the room now and yet still feeling like the biggest. With time and the help of the therapist, I hope one day to see the same thing everyone else does.

As gowalking said, for me it took a chunk of weight for people to notice and/or comment. My boss knew about my surgery and at one point said it looked like I'd lost at least twenty pounds! At that point I was down more than sixty, but I just replied, "yeah, thanks!" I was and still am uncomfortable talking numbers with people. Don't want to watch them do the math in their heads.

Since I have only been out of surgery for a little less than a month I haven't really noticed much of a difference in the mirror. I've lost about 30lbs so far and people are just starting to notice the weightloss, I can feel it in my clothes but so far I am not seeing it in the mirror. Maybe it will just take time for my own perception of me to adjust. On a related topic, I am having a bit of a hard time accepting that at some point I will actually succeed in losing this weight. I have done all the diets out there but usually give up after a couple weeks, having the band has changed everything for me, I have completely embraced my new eating habits, some of my closer friends who have seen me eat both before and after surgery are amazed by the change in how much I eat and how long it takes, they also love that if we go out to a restaurant they get to eat my leftovers

@

Your posts make me worry about the flip side of the coin. Instead of focusing on what you see in the mirror, try looking at pictures of the new you. Especially pictures with other people in them. You should see that you look terrific, and not any heavier than the others in the pictures. I know that the "me" that looks back from the mirror, especially without clothes, still has "baggage", but the me in pictures is looking a whole lot better. And one more thing.... Are you sure that all that "fat" you still see is not just skin? If you can't get past this negative self-perception, please see a counselor. Good luck!