I just read a post about how long it takes to see what others see and I thought this was a good topic to bring up on the forum.

Most of the time, we ask this question in terms of seeing the newer, smaller versions of ourselves but this is really about what we see or don't see whether we're bigger or smaller.

For me..I never really saw how large I was when I looked in the mirror. Then I would be shocked and mortified when I'd see a picture of myself because there was no doubt I was a very fat woman. What is it about folks like us who cannot see what is obvious? I don't know that answer, but it's an interesting question.

So...what happens when we lose the weight? For me, and many others, I had a terrible moment a few weeks after hip replacement surgery, and about ten months out of band surgery. I was about 170 lbs. at that time and down about 90 lbs. from my heaviest. My hair was thin and looked terrible...my face was saggy and I saw an old woman staring back at me when I looked in the mirror.

It was so bad that I found myself in therapy shortly thereafter. I needed to get help to recognize myself. Thank goodness I was seeing a professional because once I went back to work after being on disability for two months, no one recognized me in the office...because I looked so much thinner and was not on the cane much anymore. If not for my therapist, I might have gone crackers during this time.

So while she has helped me, I am even nearly a year later, still struggling with what I see versus what everyone else sees. I am surely getting used to the way I look now and my head tells me I am thin...pictures bear this out, and I do find that I can recognize myself when I look at my reflection.

What I still struggle with is that I feel like I'm still a fat girl who has managed to figure out a way to fake it. Because I look thin, people think I've always been this way and have no idea what it's like to be thinking about staying in control all the time when it comes to food.

Just yesterday, I was in an all day training going out of my mind. I found myself nibbling much of the day. A little bit here, a little bit there. I even had two Cookies after lunch and I never do that. What I was thinking though was that if I was still fat, I'd be embarrased to go for those cookies knowing that everyone would be wondering why I was eating them considering how big I was. But because I'm not big anymore, no one paid attention. The problem was....those cookies were as deadly for me yesterday as they would have been 145 lbs. ago.

I have my therapist tonight and I'm going to talk about this. I want to do everything I can to not put weight back on and that includes high calorie crap that gets past the band with ease. I may have lost all this weight, but I am still very much a work in progress and still need this site for the help and support you all give me.

Sorry for the length of this post...but would welcome your thoughts and comments.

@

Your posts make me worry about the flip side of the coin. Instead of focusing on what you see in the mirror, try looking at pictures of the new you. Especially pictures with other people in them. You should see that you look terrific, and not any heavier than the others in the pictures. I know that the "me" that looks back from the mirror, especially without clothes, still has "baggage", but the me in pictures is looking a whole lot better. And one more thing.... Are you sure that all that "fat" you still see is not just skin? If you can't get past this negative self-perception, please see a counselor. Good luck!

@@Rogofulm Thank you for your concern and for the suggestions. I have always been the master at hiding behind the camera and never allowing anyone to take my pictures. For this reason there aren't very many pictures to compare any new ones to but also, people are afraid to suggest I allow them to take a picture now because they know what my reaction would've been before. Having said that, I have noticed that, in the few pictures that have been taken of me recently, I do look a little different in them. So I think you may be on to something with the idea of using pictures to help me see what I don't see in the mirror. Seeing as the holidays are coming up, that should present a lot more photo ops and, hopefully, a lot more opportunity for me to find the difference in the photos because it sure as heck doesn't show itself in the mirror !lol...As for whether or not the fat that I see in the mirror could just be loose skin? Sure, some of it is loose skin. Some of it is fat too though. I am seriously considering counseling if my brain can't catch up soon. I did this for my health so the last thing I want to do is jeopardize the health that I value so much because of not being able to perceive myself the way I should.

So...what would you do or say if you had the interaction I just had? I was at the pool for my exercise class and had to put on the float belt because we were going to exercise in the deep end. The instructor knows that I don't like to do exercises in the deep Water because I can't stay stable. She told me the belt isn't tight enough so tonight she tells me to come to her and she'll put it on me so I know how tight it should be.

So she puts in on me and while she's making it tight, she says the problem is that I'm too thin and she can't make the belt tight enough. Then she offhandedly laughs and says I need to fatten up a bit.

It took all my willpower to not admit how heavy I used to be. I felt like I had to tell her so she would know that I wasn't a thin person. And the irony of someone telling me I needed to put on a few literally stunned me.

I just don't know how to handle this type of interaction. I'm so damn uncomfortable with people thinking I'm thin when I know that the fat girl lurks just below the surface. Oh dear...this journey is all about two steps forward and one step back.

I'm so glad I have this forum to be able to write this stuff and try to get it out of my system. I don't know what I'd do without it and all of you.

Edited November 11, 201411 yr by gowalking

I would have told her damn if you try to be healthy & your damed if you don't , but let me tell you how much I used to weigh , & after class can I show you something so for you being a exercise instructor why would you tell someone they need to put on a few lbs then tell her how much you lost to see that priceless look on her face , then smile & walk away to get that aha moment @ least that's probably how I would have handled the situation, got to remember sometimes they hire people that didn't go to school for training of exercise , their just people who think that's what we should be doing they don't know any thing, sometimes you could probably do it on your own these companies sometimes just hire who ever will take on the responsibility.

I just don't know how to handle this type of interaction. I'm so damn uncomfortable with people thinking I'm thin when I know that the fat girl lurks just below the surface. Oh dear...this journey is all about two steps forward and one step back.

I'm so glad I have this forum to be able to write this stuff and try to get it out of my system. I don't know what I'd do without it and all of you.

I wouldn't have handled that well either. And yes, definitely two steps forward and one step back! But at least we're still taking steps forward!

I'm like Rena's got this. I wasn't always obese and I never saw the fat me in the mirror (probably how I got so fat....I really didn't see it, despite having to buy bigger and bigger clothes) Pictures always shocked me. The biggest reality check was a picture I took with a friend who I considered large. I was way bigger! I just couldn't see it when I looked down at myself.

So now, 100 pounds lighter, when I look in the mirror I see the person I always thought I was in my mind. Actually I'm thinner than I've ever been in my adult life, but that makes it all the better. I stare at my reflection wherever I go with a big smile on face ????

Edited November 11, 201411 yr by Kindle

@

Post some pictures and let us comment on them! That'll reinforce how great you look and what a great job you've done! And when we do...... believe it!!!!!

@Rogofulm

One more thing.... Someone just posted this, and I thought it would be appropriate to share on this thread.

Sometimes the truth hurts.
The old days are gone.
This is a whole new ball game.
Do your best each day.
Celebrate each day.
Celebrate your accomplishments.
All of us are courageous for having this surgery.
I celebrate each and every day that I am alive and healthy.
Think about where you were before surgery.
Obese, miserable, etc.,
Move it forward, not back.

I've loss some pounds and every one who sees me comments on the change they see. I'm gracious and say thank you to them. When I look in the mirror and try on clothes it's obvious I've lost weight. But staring back at me is the 230lb person still trying to get to the other side. I still feel the same desperation to lose the weight that I did post surgery. I still feel the same threat of failure, even as I see the numbers on the scale move slowly down. Basically, I still see the very fat me trying to conquer this. It sometimes makes me sad.

I've loss some pounds and every one who sees me comments on the change they see. I'm gracious and say thank you to them. When I look in the mirror and try on clothes it's obvious I've lost weight. But staring back at me is the 230lb person still trying to get to the other side. I still feel the same desperation to lose the weight that I did post surgery. I still feel the same threat of failure, even as I see the numbers on the scale move slowly down. Basically, I still see the very fat me trying to conquer this. It sometimes makes me sad.

You've lost nearly 50 pounds! That's amazing!!! Embrace it and be proud of it! Just keep working your program and you won't fail. Look at pictures instead of obsessing on the reflection in the mirror. And post some pictures, girl. We'll tell you how great you look. And when we do... believe it!!!

@@Beni -- I was 70 pounds overweight and it took me getting around the 50 pound mark before all of the sudden I started getting the comments right and left. I had dropped down a lot of sizes and I couldn't believe people weren't saying anything. Now, it's constant. And, unlike some people, I'm LOVING it!

ginger

Please keep us posted with what your therapist has to say on the matter

Well last night's session was a tough one. We started talking about self respect, self worth...all the things I don't feel I deserve for one reason or another. I talk the talk but don't walk the walk.

I let people take advantage of me because I just feel that I'm never good enough, pretty enough, thin enough...blah blah blah.

I feel awful this morning. I look totally different, but inside, I'm still the same wounded soul. In my zeal to not be or feel entitled, I let myself be used. I have to learn to stand up for myself. Not an easy thing to do when you grew up in a house where you felt invisible and left out all the time.

God...I have so much work to do in order to become that confident person I look like, but do not feel like. The weight has some part to play in this, but not all. It was just an outward sign of some of my issues. Now that the weight is gone, I have nothing to hide behind and have to really face these demons.

This is hard....

@@gowalking Have you ever read Eat, Pray, Love? This might be a good time to use that book to reflect. One of my favorite quotes from that book is "Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be". Sound harsh, but I was once where you are. Not with my weight, I'm sure that will come, but with other matters related to relationships. If you haven't read it, please do.

I appreciate this topic because I am still confused on what I see. Even at my heaviest, I thought I looked good. I dressed well and fashionably. I think because I had been heavy my entire life, I had no other perception of myself. No loss of former slimness or "what I once was". Now at a healthy weight, I am more critical of myself than before. I have days where I can only focus my loose skin or remaining belly fat. I dunno, intellectually, I know I look better than before but emotionally, I have yet to find peace because I still secretly fear that this is a just a dream and I will wake up most of my weight back.

@@gowalking I deal with those deserving issues daily as my divorce begins. It's a challenge daily to keep my head in a healthy space. I pray a lot. I never used to but I do now. I've also been seeking out emotionally healthy people to be around. Also new behavior for me.

I know I look better than before but emotionally, I have yet to find peace because I still secretly fear that this is a just a dream and I will wake up most of my weight back.

Wow, @@erp, you expressed it perfectly! This is why we have to work so hard to get our heads right during the journey towards our goal. Ironically, if we do everything right, the day will come when the compliments fade, the exhilaration of fitting into new sizes diminishes, and our surgery will stop doing some of the heavy lifting. And from then on, comes... the rest of our lives. Just like watching children grow up, we need to try to embrace and Celebrate each success, each time we make the right choice, each scale and non-scale victory, each compliment, each disease we overcome, each ache or pain that goes away, and each milestone we achieve along the way. Every time someone say, "OMG, I didn't recognize you," I'm overjoyed, because that means the new me is coming to life. I hope and pray that you (and so many others) can learn to accept your success, not as a step towards the next failure, but as a well-earned and entirely positive outcome of your WLS decision; and focus your energies on maintaining that success by looking forwards and not backwards. We all deserve it! (Whew, I guess your statement above really moved me!)