Like you're just pretending to be thin? Or that when you buy something, the clerk thinks, "yeah right, fatty" even though logically you know that isn't the case? Or when someone says you look nice, do you feel like saying, "No, no, really I'm actually a fat person."

Sometimes I get these nagging feelings and it's just so annoying. For so long, I coped with the constant emotions surrounding weight loss failure--it never occurred to me how intense the feelings around weigh loss success would be. Mostly I'm happy, but then there are those moments of alien-ness and disconnection. Such a weird journey.

I get it. When I sit at work to eat lunch from my little condiment bowl with my quarter cup meal - I feel like some eyes are saying 'yeah, like that's all you'll eat for lunch!' In saying that though, for every pair of eyes that give me that vibe - I have three sets pushing me on and even offering to share plates when I have to lunch out. So it's not all bad. Maybe it's just my inner voice being mirrored because I have never eaten so dainty before in my life LOL - I feel like a princess now ha ha

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that people see me as a "normal" weight person. Like, I assume that people are looking at my shopping cart and silently judging what's in it -- and let's face it, people do that, I do that -- and so I find myself thinking, "ha! I'll bet they aren't expecting a giant fat person like me to have a cart full of healthy food like I do!" and then remember that people don't see me as a giant fat person, and to the extent they are judging my shopping cart contents, they are thinking something like "that's what I would expect a healthy looking person to have."

Or if I am shopping for clothes at a department store, I still think that a sales person is going to come ask me if I am looking for a gift if I am browsing through a rack of size 8 or 10 pants.

I've had a couple of instances of people staring at me and I felt horrified and ashamed because my default assumption is that they are staring at me because I am unbelievably big and fat -- which used to be true. But then I figured out they were actually kind of leering/ogling? Which felt incredibly strange, I am not used to that at all and had never thought it would happen (I'm 48!) no matter what size or shape I got in to.

It's definitely taking some getting used to.

Glad I'm not the only one. You don't realize how much of your identity is wrapped up in being "the bigger friend."

Does a cancer surviver feel like a fraud after chemo? I dont think so. Same goes for curing this disease.

You make a good point. When I put in my contacts, I never feel like I'm just masquerading as a person with 20/20 eyesight. Hmmm.

The attention is really hard to get used to. I have always struggled with compliments even when I was bigger

Yes, a resounding yes. Every day I feel like I am still obese "faking" being thin and one day I will wake up and be 30 or 40 or 100 pounds heavier and say "See!! I knew I was faking it"..... Total imposter syndrome. I have actually started to work with a therapist to figure out my eating and body image issues because I want to not only fix the way I look on the outside (which is pretty much accomplished) but also have a healthy perception of food and myself on the inside. So far I can't tell you enough how incredibly insightful and helpful the therapy has been.

Edited June 11, 201412 yr by livvsmum

That is reassuring to hear. I wonder if men have this, or if it is a female thing...

At our support group, a lady came in to tell us what her life looks like on "the other side"... She is 18 mo post-surg and works out often, etc... She said she feels like "a really skinny fat person".

I have begun to notice this in myself, still a lot of disbelief that I could EVER be thin - sometimes I catch myself "so why bother trying?" And I remind myself that's years of social ostracization talking, not what *I want*.

I was trying on swimsuits today - size 18 from Sears (a "normal" store) and part of me felt like some unseen onlooker might make a comment ... And no! I fit size 18 suits now!! And well! The only "comments" to be made are "wow look how smooshy my legs are..."

I feel like I'm going to step on the scale one day and it'll stop being broken and show me my "real" weight. Like, I'm always surprised to find that everyone's scale seems to be broken....