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Dating after Weight Loss Surgery



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online dating sucks even when you are thin

:(

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Cow girl. Really? I thought it would be easy being slim. But again theses men or let's say little boys who need to grow up . I don't want to go back to dating site. I'm so done. It's all catfish. Been on the dating sites on and off since I was 33 years old. I'm 48. I'm so done. If it does work with who I'm seeing now. I'm going out into the real world and make friends until he finds me.

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Oh I get lots of emails (if I make my profile public) but the quality of men is lower than I find acceptable. In addition, I question how many of them are seeking real relationships. I have run into guys (who meet my quality criteria) who are clearly serial monogamists (well, who knows about the monogamy thing). Meaning, long history of dating women for 2 months - 2 years and then moving on to the next one... I recently "met" a couple of guys who at age 50 had never had a relationship longer than a few years which I find telling - maybe i am being judgemental but my observed behavior from them sort of matches my suspicions. I also think some really "want" a true love but lack the personal attributes to make that kind of emotional investment.

My background is different. I am 50. I was with one man from my late teens to early 30s (married my high school sweetheart) and then another from my mid 30s to my mid 40s (long term unmarried). This wild world of online dating seems to encourage men just interested in a pretty woman to go out with and have sex with is all new to me and disappointing. I am SURE there are wonderful guys on these dating websites but it seems like a really hard way to find them. BTW, I met two men on dating websites that I never really dated, but became friends and activity partners. One of them is now in a serious relationship with a wonderful lady who is becoming my friend - so there ARE good ones out there.

I am moving to 100% real life and accepting that may be better off single at some point. Last night i went to a social event and met 3 men that all appealed to me. One of them expressed interest - but didn't ask me out as it was a very public social event. Who knows, I might still hear from him but the point is that just in the 2 hours I spent at the low key mardi gras social event they seemed more genuine and cool than 97% of the "coffee dates" I have experienced on dating websites.

Sorry, but i am just jaded and tired of it and really just don't need it. blech.. I am tired of the shopping aspect of online dating.

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Carry a whole set of matching baggage from my ex. Hoping i lose some of that along with pounds after surgery this month.

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Divorced for 3 years before I had my surgery, I started on Match about 4 months post-op, (prolly a bit too soon in hind sight). Anyway, I dated like it was a JOB for many months after. There is A LOT of insanity in the online dating world, but I don't get asked out in bars when having drinks with "the girls" or at the grocery store or whatever. You gotta meet a lot of duds before you find a stud, right? I seemed to do best on POF, which could have to do with the particular market I live in or the fact I'm a biker chickie and won't date men who don't ride. There just seemed to be more bikers on POF. Also a challenge is they have to be physical enough to keep up with me on and off the bike! Fitness is not often a treasured lifestyle of the biker community! Met one I REALLY liked but he turned out to be a ******. You just can't take it too seriously at first or you're going to be very disappointed\hurt and give up on the process. Imagine what you'll miss if you do that though!

When do I tell about my history? Within the first few dates usually. I find it's easier just to be up front than have them wondering why I eat\drink so little after a few dates. I actually met another sleeve patient online. He said something about his "thermostat" being broke since a medical procedure and it turned out we had that in common but little else. Kinda funny.

Anyway, eventually met someone stable, successful and physical who rides and have been hanging out with him for about 4 months. I've decided I'm not in a hurry to "push" the relationship. Neither is he. I'm doing just fine on my own but love to have someone to hang out with who shares my passion for riding. That this thing could actually develop over the winter riding hiatus in the midwest bodes well for us.

So IF you decide to do the online thing, a profile pic of you doing what you love with a big smile is a MUST. Also a must is not an ounce of negativity in your profile. You want positive, you have to BE positive. Anything else will draw "crazy" to you. And don't give up. Each "meet" that doesn't work out is a learning experience. Even\especially "the ******". I learned how to flirt from him, (something I really needed to learn and gawd is it FUN!), and I learned a lot about what I want in a man. For these things, I will be forever grateful.

Edited by bikrchk

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Update... I've had mixed experiences. Christian Mingle didn't work for me... not enough men online and it's a numbers game. Plenty of Fish was worse. I met 4 guys in person from there... two were total duds, one was nice enough but wanted to be exclusive after the first date and one turned out to be a psycho from the outer regions of hell... he had a HUGE criminal record, was a con-artist, drug user and I ended up filing a restraining order. Owwiieee!

I went on Match and sent out a lot of emails without responses. I have a male friend on Match, too, and we both averaged 50+ emails out before getting one response back. Well, the first guy I did meet in person turned out to be a gem... we've been seeing each other for about 6 months now. He's a real man, polite, honest, affectionate and best of all, he's a healthy weight, active and we get along wonderfully!

It does happen sometimes -- I have another friend who has been with her man now for 5 years after meeting on Match.

I agree that weight does matter on the online sites but it's true, some people do prefer heavier partners, so I wouldn't say weight may exclude you from ever connecting with someone online, you're just going to have different options. And unfortunately, probably more limited. But don't lose hope... work on yourself, be happy with yourself where you are (alone or in a relationship) and present the best you you can!

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I was one of match's original members. Have a lifetime membership. Met my ex husband on there. Will reactivate once i finish my year of ME :)

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Ha- here is MY update. I long ago settled on POF (match was the worst by far in my experience. Did you know that match has more women than men?)

Anyway, I had NO problem getting initial dates, but serious relationship prospects were few and far between - both from my liking them that much as well as their intentions. I did meet some nice men, but, ya know, there is more to it then that.

I gave myself a deadline that I was quitting ALL of it the end of February because I just felt I was wasting time and tired of it all.

anyway, late Feb I met someone who is part geek/part sophisticated urbanite and majority redneck (outdoorsy, hunts, fishes, rides horses, backpacks, hikes etc). It was like meeting my male counterpart (ok, I don't hunt but you know what I mean)...omg. I have known him less than a month, but haven't felt this relaxed and comfortable with someone ... well... in a very long time. He is a very decent man, and has a lifestyle I can relate to and he thinks I am the bees knees. :)

He is fit, attractive, kind, warm and really really wants a serious relationship in his life. We hit it off big time. We are less than a month into it, but my POF account is DELETED.

We have discussed that it takes all four seasons to really know a person, but this feels really good ... who knows where it will lead, but both of our intentions and desires align...keeping fingers crossed!

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I feel more optimistic about meeting a potential partner now that I have had weight loss surgery. Not because of losing weight but because at the heavier size I was looking for someone to validate who I was as a person because I had such insecurity. I did not have good experiences with online dating nor elsewhere. This was probably because the first thing that they saw was my heavier weight and the low self image I thought of myself. This leads people to believe they can treat someone any way they want. I do want a relationship that's good and healthy as I'm heading towards the end of childbearing age. I think about what if I meet a man that just want me for my body now that I've had surgery and that makes me apprehensive with dating again so soon. Right now I am finding contentment with me. I have to live with her the rest of my life and I love her so much now. I have been able to not focus on just me but helping others and not being so self absorbed. It makes a difference.

Edited by Trayjay33

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@CowgirlJane You go girl! I'm glad to hear you've found Mr. Right Now... look forward to seeing how it works out!

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Following my divorce I took a year to make sure I was clear before beginning to date. When I was 300 pounds I had some success with Match.com. But post weight loss, I have had great success. Just being more attractive helps. Most women in my age/target demographic group are becoming more health conscious. They don't want to date a guy who is pre-diabetic.

I hear some of the complaints about rejection by women, but how seriously are you taking your search? Have you invested in high quality pictures to go on your profile? Have you looked at the myriad of resources out there to put together a really good profile? Do you know how many people are visiting the site you are on? (Go to http://www.alexa.com/ and look up the dating site you are interested in. You can find out how many men/women visit per day and other info to see if the numbers are high enough for you to invest your time there).

Women, please don't feel the need to respond to every guy who sends you a note. Online dating is a numbers game. It is a tool to help you get higher quality prospective dates than simple random chance. Be safe. Every state has criminal/court records online. Get to know how to use those tools. Learn to Google someone. It's not creepy, it's just smart. And always insist the first meeting be at a Starbucks during the day (lots of light, lots of exits). Invest 20 minutes in the initial meeting. If there pictures match what you see, then go for a real date.

Now, why is there so much early sex in online dating? Well in my case I am mostly dating people who are divorced. We are used to having sex after going out from our marriage, so that makes sense. The other reason is by the time you actually go out you actually should have gotten to know the other person fairly well online. You get information that would normally take 3 or 4 dates to find out.

Dating is just sales and marketing - don't get judgmental, so is makeup/Spanx/pushup bras. Here is a link to one of the best profiles I have ever seen. It was before the internet when people used personal ads: http://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/newsletters/2009/Gary_Halbert_Personal_Ad/Gary_Halbert_Personal_Ad.pdf The profile is perfect, it describes him, what he DOESN'T WANT, and then what he wants. Your profile needs to follow the same pattern. An online dating profile is direct response marketing.

My dating maxims and other unsolicited advise

1) Women (wither they know it or not) always control the pace of a relationship
2) Men will continue to pursue as long as they are interested
3) If they are not pursing, then they are not interested
4) Some element of tension is vital to a growing relationship or it gets flaccid and it keeps everyone on their best behavior
5) It takes six months before all the shields and protections are down to really know someone
6) Biggest danger in online dating -- grass is always greener syndrome. This will keep you from committing to a good guy because there may be someone better online.

Enjoy the process. It's not rejection, it's just feedback. It's a numbers game, but be safe, be real and don't be cavalier with people's hearts.

Kirk

Edited by OKCPirate

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@@OKCPirate I think you have hit the main points.

for me, I chose to make my profile private so nobody could contact me unless i initiated. I was getting to many contacts that were inappropriate - some sexual, but mostly way outside the location/age/fitness/characteristics range of what I was looking for. I felt that they weren't even reading my profile, but just looking at my photos. My experience was I found a much better "quality" of matches when I initiated. I decided that while men do like to pursue, it is also true that "nice guys" are more likely to want permission to pursue versus the aggressive/looking for sexual conquest only guys.

I have been seeing someone for a month. I completely deleted my profile because I was becoming jaded and recognized that was not good either. Man I am seeing was my "one last meet and greet" and we hit it off fabulousy. I hope things continue to work out, but so far so good. I am careful to let him know I am very interested while letting him take the lead. He calls and texts me daily still and I just let him know i think he is wonderful. :)

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