female only Torn

[ooffa511 505]

I have wrote on here before about my marriage issues. I don't know where else to turn bc my friends and family want me to leave my husband

A little background information, We are high school sweethearts that got reunited after my first marriage. He was the one that got away. But during that time he got addicted to marijuana. I always dabbled too, but it was more social for me. After a while, I started smoking 3, 4 times a day. My weight started going up and up. Finally I got it under control, but hubby has not

My kids are now smelling it, it's causing major fights between us. Financially it's killing us too. My husband has left countless jobs, wrecked numerous cars and has a family history of alcohol ism and I see him going down that path too

We fight constantly bc I keep trying to control everything, which then leads me exhausted mentally with my children. I feel my 11 year old gets the brunt of my lack of patience.

I work 40 to 65 hours a week. I cook, clean, run all the errands while my husband sits back and does bare minimum. He is finally working in an amazing job, but surprise surprise he hates that too. He plans on leaving in a year when he gets called for another job. However, this job drugs tests.

When I write this all out, I feel like the answer is to leave. Well have him leave. We have been going to therapy for over 4 years and he has made very little change. I don't know what to do. I feel so good about myself. I lost over 120lbs. I got my plastics too. Everything is great but my marriage. I gave him an ultimatum It's us or the drugs. But if it's not the pot then it will be alcohol. I just need help from other married folks. Should I get divorced again, should I try to make this work. I do love him but not all the drama he brings to the table. Thank u for letting me vent

[McButterpants 2,846]

What would you do if a friend told you this story? What advise would you give that friend?

I'm sorry you're going thru this - you need to think about what's best for you and the kids.

[Bronco0605 135]

Poor thing! I am sorry you are dealing with this complicated thing.Sometimes relationships are the hardest thing in life. They give us the biggest rewards and the biggest heartaches. I can't tell you what to do but we are here to listen.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

No one can tell you what to do in this situation...Every one has an idea what they would do but this is your life hun....you are living it with your children and yourself and what would be best for them and you..

It is okay to tell your story and we can feel your pain...But we are not there......like McButterpants said, what would you tell a friend who confided that in you?

hugs

[ooffa511 505]

I would tell her you deserve better and leave =(

[Mrs Havelock 154]

And that her children deserve better.

[ooffa511 505]

When I divorced my daughters father she was 3. But we didn't have this volatile relationship. We got pregnant accidently at 19 and 22. Our parents said marriage was the right thing to do. So we did. We are the closest of friends now. He is an amazing father, pays his child support, support his daughter and is amazing to my son. But there was no love there, so it was easy to divorce him. I really love my husband. It's almost 17 years that we have been in each other life and I am only 31 and he 33

But when I say I really love my husband I don't know exactly why. Is it bc our history, is it bc we have a son together?? Is it bc he treats my daughter as his own and accepts the my ex husband is ALWAYS at the house?? He loved me at 275lbs and always made me feel beautiful, but now I know I'm beautiful.

He bring the absolute worse in me. I become this mean, nasty person. I'm always yelling at him and putting him down. Absolutely no sex life ad I now have a freakin hot body!!

I just don't know how to stay strong through all of this

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

There are millions of marriages out there that lived like you with your first....Then they look for someone else who fills that void and a lot of the time they run right into Mr wrong!

It will take some time for you to figure out what you need in this case. You will know what to do when the time comes!!! you have to find the strength within yourself...Your children and you are counting on it.....K

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

OP it sounds like you know what you need to do but are afraid to make a decision and move forward. Only you can make this decision. We can listen, but that's really it.....He's not going to change and you can't make him.....It is your choice in what you will expose your children too also....Your children are learning from everything you do and will most likely repeat those behaviors.......This is a big choice to make so you have my empathy and I know that you will make the right choice....

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, he sounds a bit similiar to my EX husband - pothead, unmotivated, job bouncer, irresponsible. I don't regret divorcing him when my kids were small, but if i had it to do over again, I would have tried ALOT harder to get him to get off the drugs and turn his life around. I would have laid down the law, insisted on treatment/counseling, put him on probation basically. Becoming a single parent was a nightmare, hard work. Good news is that neigther of my sons have turned out like their dad...but, that was a rough road I took.

Divorce is often thrown out as the solution and lots of ladies will talk about how much better they did after their divorce - that was true of me too, BUT a family pays a big price for it so I think people need to fight really hard to try everything before they consider divorce.

[2Big2Skate 328]

The opinions on marijuana are so varied right now that I hesitate to say anything. For clarity, let's just act like it's any destructive addiction -- even like my own food addiction. Is it possible for you to love him while hating his addiction? I know there is a trail of destruction in the lives of everyone who loves an addict so I can't pretend to know the answer to that question in your case.

But if you CAN love him and hate the addiction, then it's possible you can love him through treatment and the cure. Unfortunately, he's going to have to see and admit his addiction. There are resources out there, and professionals who can help, once he's willing to try. You do owe it to your children to protect them from the destructive effects of his behavior. You can't compromise on that point.

I wish you all the best and hope it doesn't have to end like this for you two.

Jay

[ooffa511 505]

I am all for a joint here and there. With friends, no kids around. Party like atmosphere. But my husbands use is costing us a weeks paycheck.

His addiction to pot, like how my addiction to food was and is destroying our family.

I texted him before saying it's us or the drugs. And I texted him the time and address to a MA meeting. I even lines up bb sitting to go with him

But I have been through this going on 8 years now. The only difference now is this is it or it's over. I just don't know if he really believes me. Sadly, if he doesn't take this seriously it's over

[skikyd 165]

You said it best....when I write it down and read it..... The answer is clear.

[Seela 1,187]

My husband and I were married in 2001. We rarely fought or argued. About 3 1/2 years ago he became very unhappy in his job and that really started affecting our home life. He started being disrespectful and we disagreed on everything. Then the cold shoulder all the time and the arguments. The kids and I basically walked on eggshells when he was home. One night things came to a head, in a very bad way, and the next day I rented a Uhaul called my parents and they came over while he was at work and helped me and the kids move out. That was May 1st.. 2 1/2 years ago. (This is a very shortened version)! Anyway, coming up on three years my husband and I, while still living separately, are doing great and working toward getting back together. Was it easy? No. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But if I hadn't we would have ended up divorced for sure. The space gave us both a chance to figure out if we even wanted to be together anymore and how we can be a better family in the future. It may not have worked out this way but it was better than just jumping straight to divorce. I still don't know what the future holds but I feel I did the best thing possible for both of us and for our children. And because our children saw that I didn't let us stay in a bad situation but handled it with respect and patients I hope they can handle their own relationships better in the future.

I know your situation is different but I thought you might appreciate a different perspective. Good luck

[DeezJeanz 1,065]

I agree w Seela. You've been divorced already so we know u have the courage. Let me say, I'm no Dr Phil, but like Seela said, space cud b ur best friend bc u still love him. Did u state whether or not he still loves u? In any case, u seem to love the new you, u love him and u love ur kids and you want a better life for ur family. But u understand that the drug use was a mutual thing btwn the two of u, which u chose to quit and he has NOT CHOSEN too. U have made changes bc u wanted too, he is addicted, as uve stated, and he is not capable to make that choice yet. His habit is paid for, he still has u n the kids, regardless of ur threats, so y wud he change? My point, u have one more change U NEED to make, n that's to stop giving him ultimatums and put ur foot down and tell him that when he's rdy to get his life straight, u will b leaving and giving him that space to make his choices. If u don't want to divorce again, then pray and make up ur mind to leave or kick him out. He needs time to see that u mean business once and for all. God bless! Know that ur children are suffering a lot more than u may think, esp if they smell it. Make a statement so that they can b proud to know that mom loves them and will do whatever she can to keep them safe and let dad get himself some help bc until he's rdy, nothing is going to change until u do.

Edited January 14, 2014 by DeezJeanz