Actually this has been building up. My husband has become the FP again. Yesterday it was "do you need that cookie?" Today it was "wow that looks like a big lunch" (I didn't finish it but this is when I first sat down) and then the big one "I can't believe you already opened those chocolates we were given!"

Ok a few things here. First, I log everything. Second, I have not had a stall or any complaint about my rate of loss since being sleeved. Third, I make my own meals and have been quite independent where food is concerned since a year before my sleeve when I was doing medically supervised Optifast.

Fourth, and the big one. This was always his "role" in the past. For several years now I have had to assert that I need him not to do this. I grew up with the worst food police ever and never learned any independence about food when I was growing up. I have had to learn it as an adult.

I think he is starting to notice and work on his own weight. He just finished couch to 5k. He got me a Fitbit flex and the Aria scale for Christmas. He added himself to the scale and asked me for my old Fitbit one. I know he was either not weighing on the old scale (denial?) or weighing and not telling me about it. I don't bother him or ask him about his weight but I think seeing that my BMI is actually lower than his when he weighed on the new scale might have upset him. I think he sees himself as just a few kg e tea, but in fact his BMI is over 30 now.

So I did again ask him not to be the food police (both yesterday teasingly, and today quite seriously). He claimed that I hadn't lost any weight in a month. Actually I have lost 4 kg (8 lb), but I did mention that when I got back from a two week trip to India I was the same as when I left (I dropped a kg quickly the next day or two, because it was swelling from flying, but I didn't update him). I think he still doesn't trust that I won't screw this up. Fair enough, I still have those thoughts too.

But my sense of boundaries is a lot stronger now. I don't believe he has the right to act as though I don't look great. If I stop losing now, he should be ok with it. I am in a size 12, I am overweight BMI (almost all the health benefits come from dropping from obese into overweight, statistically), and have lost 35 kg (70 lb). If I had always been this weight I would not accept a man telling me I needed to lose, so he doesn't get to insinuate that either. He gets to be proud of me and trust me. Even if I gain, it is on me and not on him, right?

I'm just having a hard time with this. I don't want to get in a fight about it but I want to protect my boundaries and self esteem. And mostly I wanted to vent a little and put it out there for others to react to. What do you think?

I'm so sorry to hear your husband is doing this. While I'm sure he thinks he's only helping, I'm sure you want to smack him. I agree with the poster that said to turn the tables on him. Ask him every day what his weight is or check it on the scale and discuss it with him and the decisions he made the previous day that could have contributed to his weight. IT IS 100% PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, but when "jokin" talking about it and a "serious" talking to don't work I absolutely support stooping to his level

I don't think I am going to do this. I don't think it would add any peace in my marriage!

By the way the scale hides our weights from each other by default.

If loving Richard Simmons is wrong, I don't want to be right.

.

Me too!

a very wise family therapist once told me, unless you know specifically to the contrary, assume its about power. and even then, its still probably about power. the very best way to deal with stuff like this is to focus on changing your internal reaction to him rather than trying to get him to change what he is doing. i dont mean not showing him your reaction, i mean learning how to not feel upset/tweaked/annoyed etc in response to his behavior. this defuses the power struggle and will eventually end the conflict. the same amount of energy you put into feeling upset and trying to get him to stop can be redirected internally.

I agree. Definitely a power issue. Good advise on how to react.

My hubby reached over the table today at lunch and took half my burger..lean and mean...Ate all the french fries and then asked if I were done.....I told him that if I hadn't been he would have gotten a fork in the hand.... I have tried everything to stop him from doing that until I am done....Maybe even the threat of violence won't work..I don't know..... I try so hard not to react!!!!!! A lot of times he says oh you weren't done with that eh? I just look at him as he continues to stuff whatever in his mouth....whatever I guess!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting. Do you think that's his way of food policing ?

My hubby reached over the table today at lunch and took half my burger..lean and mean...Ate all the french fries and then asked if I were done.....I told him that if I hadn't been he would have gotten a fork in the hand.... I have tried everything to stop him from doing that until I am done....Maybe even the threat of violence won't work..I don't know..... I try so hard not to react!!!!!! A lot of times he says oh you weren't done with that eh? I just look at him as he continues to stuff whatever in his mouth....whatever I guess!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting. Do you think that's his way of food policing ?

Nope, I think that he looks at it as seconds without effort....He has always been very careful to make sure the kids had enough to eat..He would leave a piece of steak a lone just in case my 6'8" son might need it....It is a new thing for him to see food like this...

I think that he feels that I am not going to eat it anyway so get it while it's hot sorta thinking.....He has asked me to order normal portions and take the rest home for his lunch the next day...Well that has only happened a few times....

I showed my hubby the thread last night and said look no one seems to understand why you go after my food like a starving animal......His response....come on guys I'm working on it..And then he threw his head back and laughed!!!!!!!!!!

Yup he took it hard folks!

JR, this is a pretty good post. http://kriscarr.com/blog/five-tips-for-establishing-and-maintaining-healthy-interpersonal-boundaries/

Thanks for the info..Will send it on!

I showed my hubby the thread last night and said look no one seems to understand why you go after my food like a starving animal......His response....come on guys I'm working on it..And then he threw his head back and laughed!!!!!!!!!!

Yup he took it hard folks!

Time for a Bear Trap~ lol

My hubby reached over the table today at lunch and took half my burger..lean and mean...Ate all the french fries and then asked if I were done.....I told him that if I hadn't been he would have gotten a fork in the hand.... I have tried everything to stop him from doing that until I am done....Maybe even the threat of violence won't work..I don't know..... I try so hard not to react!!!!!! A lot of times he says oh you weren't done with that eh? I just look at him as he continues to stuff whatever in his mouth....whatever I guess!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting. Do you think that's his way of food policing ?

Nope, I think that he looks at it as seconds without effort....He has always been very careful to make sure the kids had enough to eat..He would leave a piece of steak a lone just in case my 6'8" son might need it....It is a new thing for him to see food like this...

I think that he feels that I am not going to eat it anyway so get it while it's hot sorta thinking.....He has asked me to order normal portions and take the rest home for his lunch the next day...Well that has only happened a few times....

When I take half home, it is understood it is for ME unless I pass it on. Thats not to say there isn't a lot of begging going on, and even some anger that I am holding on to "my" food selfishly. Honestly, I have to hide some food or it would be gone in an instant. I like having my tablespoon of chocolate chips and dried cherries in the evening... if he finds them the whole bag is gone in a flash... that is after he already ate the two bags I bought for him..... Really, I think he needs to pay for the food (I pay for it now) He would be shocked at how much "luxury" food he chows down on like its Beans on toast! I know how people have a tendency to see a magnified view of partners eating vast quantities of food after we get the surgery (the same amount we ate earlier!)....it is kind of revolting at times.... mindless....

Oh, FeedYourEye, yes. My family feels very free to eat my leftovers. I often order specifically so that I can have 2 or 3 meals out of something.

But this behavior passes on to the kids too. My 11 year old just the other day took down my remaining 3 oz of calamari. I was like, "Really??? That was my lunch!" "I didn't know." "But you did, because you just 'confessed.'" This was two days after searching out and eating my remaining two Protein bars. As people say, they are kind of like candy. But they're also great for things like right before going to sit through a 2 hour rehearsal/church service.

Sigh...

This is so funny. I find myself the one being a FP with my DH and adult children..... I'm the one that's sleeved and I get worried about them and their eating habits. they're always telling me that they're annoyed with my comments.

So I have started working on not saying anything and focusing on myself.

Thanks for the info..Will send it on!

you know this is for you JR?

I showed my hubby the thread last night and said look no one seems to understand why you go after my food like a starving animal......His response....come on guys I'm working on it..And then he threw his head back and laughed!!!!!!!!!!

Yup he took it hard folks!

I like this guy! Well, there goes the rubber hamburger rib. Itching powder?

Short sheet him!

I showed my hubby the thread last night and said look no one seems to understand why you go after my food like a starving animal......His response....come on guys I'm working on it..And then he threw his head back and laughed!!!!!!!!!!

Yup he took it hard folks!

I like this guy! Well, there goes the rubber hamburger rib. Itching powder?

I like him too! It may be one of those endearingly annoying things that our spouses do that we just roll our eyes about and move on without worrying about it too much. I dunno.