Actually this has been building up. My husband has become the FP again. Yesterday it was "do you need that cookie?" Today it was "wow that looks like a big lunch" (I didn't finish it but this is when I first sat down) and then the big one "I can't believe you already opened those chocolates we were given!"

Ok a few things here. First, I log everything. Second, I have not had a stall or any complaint about my rate of loss since being sleeved. Third, I make my own meals and have been quite independent where food is concerned since a year before my sleeve when I was doing medically supervised Optifast.

Fourth, and the big one. This was always his "role" in the past. For several years now I have had to assert that I need him not to do this. I grew up with the worst food police ever and never learned any independence about food when I was growing up. I have had to learn it as an adult.

I think he is starting to notice and work on his own weight. He just finished couch to 5k. He got me a Fitbit flex and the Aria scale for Christmas. He added himself to the scale and asked me for my old Fitbit one. I know he was either not weighing on the old scale (denial?) or weighing and not telling me about it. I don't bother him or ask him about his weight but I think seeing that my BMI is actually lower than his when he weighed on the new scale might have upset him. I think he sees himself as just a few kg e tea, but in fact his BMI is over 30 now.

So I did again ask him not to be the food police (both yesterday teasingly, and today quite seriously). He claimed that I hadn't lost any weight in a month. Actually I have lost 4 kg (8 lb), but I did mention that when I got back from a two week trip to India I was the same as when I left (I dropped a kg quickly the next day or two, because it was swelling from flying, but I didn't update him). I think he still doesn't trust that I won't screw this up. Fair enough, I still have those thoughts too.

But my sense of boundaries is a lot stronger now. I don't believe he has the right to act as though I don't look great. If I stop losing now, he should be ok with it. I am in a size 12, I am overweight BMI (almost all the health benefits come from dropping from obese into overweight, statistically), and have lost 35 kg (70 lb). If I had always been this weight I would not accept a man telling me I needed to lose, so he doesn't get to insinuate that either. He gets to be proud of me and trust me. Even if I gain, it is on me and not on him, right?

I'm just having a hard time with this. I don't want to get in a fight about it but I want to protect my boundaries and self esteem. And mostly I wanted to vent a little and put it out there for others to react to. What do you think?

If loving Richard Simmons is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I came to realize that the problem was, if I went off the rails, I typically took him with me, and that was the underlying issue. Your husband may not be upset that YOU had chocolates. He may be worried that now that the box is open, HE may not be able to resist them. Policing you may be a way to ensure his own good behavior.

...

I agree with gmanbat sometimes it's men just trying to be helpful. In this instance, give him a project to help you on. Seriously. Give him one or two things to help you with, and ask him to please let you manage the rest on your own. He'll have a way to be supportive that works for him, and who knows, it might help you too. For us, allowing my husband to feed me Snacks during the day so I'm not starving by afternoon has served that purpose. On my own, I wouldn't remember to eat at work, he feels like he's helping and supporting, and so we both benefit. For all other comments, I simply direct him to examine my MFP diary. Facts are hard to argue with

Thanks for these. Especially the first one made me say Wow! I used to get so annoyed because there would be something nice in the cupboard and I might get one taste, next time I went back it was gone. He is a real "finisher" and nothing is ever safe if it is open and he wants it. I just never made that connection before. For me, I would typically moderate myself because of guilt. That is, unless it was secret food. In which case all bets are off. So I know he doesn't hide his eating but I never cottoned on to the fact that if it is open maybe he can't resist. I just chalked it up to thoughtlessness and greed.

I guess we will see how it goes with those chocolates.

After all, this is the man who loved me when I was morbidly obese. This is the man who told me just yesterday, when I was complaining about my saggy skin, that he loves me regardless of what package I come in. This is the man who still saw me as beautiful at a time in my life when the mirror repulsed me.

Very powerful! And that is sort of how I felt when I got so upset yesterday. "You loved me 70 lbs ago so what is your problem now??"

I think we all tend to be the food police sometimes especially after we have been successful. There is no non-smoker more annoying than an es-smoker in the first year, right?

I came to realize that the problem was, if I went off the rails, I typically took him with me, and that was the underlying issue. Your husband may not be upset that YOU had chocolates. He may be worried that now that the box is open, HE may not be able to resist them. Policing you may be a way to ensure his own good behavior.

...

I agree with gmanbat sometimes it's men just trying to be helpful. In this instance, give him a project to help you on. Seriously. Give him one or two things to help you with, and ask him to please let you manage the rest on your own. He'll have a way to be supportive that works for him, and who knows, it might help you too. For us, allowing my husband to feed me Snacks during the day so I'm not starving by afternoon has served that purpose. On my own, I wouldn't remember to eat at work, he feels like he's helping and supporting, and so we both benefit. For all other comments, I simply direct him to examine my MFP diary. Facts are hard to argue with

Thanks for these. Especially the first one made me say Wow! I used to get so annoyed because there would be something nice in the cupboard and I might get one taste, next time I went back it was gone. He is a real "finisher" and nothing is ever safe if it is open and he wants it. I just never made that connection before. For me, I would typically moderate myself because of guilt. That is, unless it was secret food. In which case all bets are off. So I know he doesn't hide his eating but I never cottoned on to the fact that if it is open maybe he can't resist. I just chalked it up to thoughtlessness and greed.

I guess we will see how it goes with those chocolates.

It took me a very long time to see the same thing. Any food in the house is kind of a free-for-all. Opened, or not. But while I think it is a bit thoughtless, there is the element of it being out of his control. We had an interesting spat over flavored creamers one time last year. I guess he realized that they taste dee-licious on Cereal. (Ewww.) I use them only in coffee, but I really don't drink coffee without them. And I like my coffee; it's a one cup a day habit. Well, sure enough one day I woke up. There had been nothing else in the house that he wanted to eat, and one and a half bottles of creamer were gone. Just gone. Not even a tablespoon for my cup. Although I normally restrain myself, I was very grouchy and yelled at him. He came home that night with about 5 or 6 bottles, and he hasn't touched the creamer since.

I don't really know what the point of the story is. (Squirrel!) Just that it is a combination of things, but I think food/treats that are in the house and plain sight get "taken" much more often. And we, as the moms, as the peacemakers, whatever…we try to be polite about it. But I know I seethe too, and it's not really fair to anyone. It is just food, and it is replaceable. But oh man, is it ever annoying, probably on both sides of the coin.

I don't really know what the point of the story is. (Squirrel!) Just that it is a combination of things, but I think food/treats that are in the house and plain sight get "taken" much more often. And we, as the moms, as the peacemakers, whatever…we try to be polite about it. But I know I seethe too, and it's not really fair to anyone. It is just food, and it is replaceable. But oh man, is it ever annoying, probably on both sides of the coin.

For me, this is a large part of it. I'd never dream of finishing off the last of something that the kids love. The kids and the husband in contrast, don't seem to think like that. I now accept that.

Took me long enough though!

a very wise family therapist once told me, unless you know specifically to the contrary, assume its about power. and even then, its still probably about power.

the very best way to deal with stuff like this is to focus on changing your internal reaction to him rather than trying to get him to change what he is doing. i dont mean not showing him your reaction, i mean learning how to not feel upset/tweaked/annoyed etc in response to his behavior. this defuses the power struggle and will eventually end the conflict. the same amount of energy you put into feeling upset and trying to get him to stop can be redirected internally.

I found this challenging to read because I have recently realised how I am turning into the food police with my husband. He hasn't had WLS and doesn't need to though he is overweight. I criticise his choices, I tell him he is eating too fast, I find myself looking at his belly and imagining what he would look like with it gone. I have talked him into diets and the gym though I failed at attempts to get him logging on MFP. For all long time after surgery I was worried about him gaining weight because he would eat my left overs, now I actively police so he doesn't touch them most of the time and I am left feeling quite selfish as a consequence.

I am not proud of this and I have to say that even as I am typing I am wanting to delete. But your post has made me realise I need to cut it out! I don't want to be to him what you are describing you husband is being to you. I don't want to project my own issues with food onto the person I love so very much. I do say that it is about my concern for his health but actually I don't know if that is being completely honest once I reflect on it. I think it is more about my own issues with food. That, and wanting him to join me on the journey I am on. But I don't really have a right to do that, do I?

After all, this is the man who loved me when I was morbidly obese. This is the man who told me just yesterday, when I was complaining about my saggy skin, that he loves me regardless of what package I come in. This is the man who still saw me as beautiful at a time in my life when the mirror repulsed me.

I don't know why I am sharing all this here, your post just prompted it! I hope that what your husband is doing here is similar to what I am doing and more about his own issues with food than yours.

I have to go reflect now!

I think your amazing to tell us how you are dealing with things...the fact that you are going to reflect is also amazing.....you have a good hold of the change you see you need to make.....see how you can learn from these little threads....Good luck with your new desire to change!!!!!

My hubby reached over the table today at lunch and took half my burger..lean and mean...Ate all the french fries and then asked if I were done.....I told him that if I hadn't been he would have gotten a fork in the hand....

I have tried everything to stop him from doing that until I am done....Maybe even the threat of violence won't work..I don't know.....

I try so hard not to react!!!!!! A lot of times he says oh you weren't done with that eh? I just look at him as he continues to stuff whatever in his mouth....whatever I guess!!!!!!!!!!

My hubby reached over the table today at lunch and took half my burger..lean and mean...Ate all the french fries and then asked if I were done.....I told him that if I hadn't been he would have gotten a fork in the hand.... I have tried everything to stop him from doing that until I am done....Maybe even the threat of violence won't work..I don't know..... I try so hard not to react!!!!!! A lot of times he says oh you weren't done with that eh? I just look at him as he continues to stuff whatever in his mouth....whatever I guess!!!!!!!!!!

Wow that is over the line rude! Sorry but I would have lost my shitted.

Mine keeps asking me questions like " is that on your food list?" Or " did you eat all of that?" Or "don't you think you're eating that a bit fast?"!!!! He's driving me nuts!! He's also always asking me who I'm talking to online when I'm reading posts on here. He says I'm always laughing or smiling when Im reading the posts and it can't be that funny. I seriously told him last night that he's welcome to create a profile on here and read the posts and learn about what I'm going through. Until then I'm fine without his input about my food! Jeez! I'm measuring and losing weight and inches and alot of them I might add. I think he's so bored with his online games that he expects me to amuse him when he's done. Sorry, I have my own hobbies now and one of them is reading all the sarcastic responses here

RJ,

Buy a rubber hamburger, any novelty website. Cut it in half, put it in the half he is sure to grab. Won't solve your problem but would be fun.

Edited December 29, 201312 yr by gmanbat

RJ,

Buy a rubber hamburger, any novelty website. Cut it in half, put it in the half he is sure to grab. Won't solve your problem but would be fun.

gmanbat..I don't think they make hamburgers that look like the one I tore apart today....100 % pure beef, no fillers, the only thing missing was a fresh piece of tomato....

You should have seen him eating his lunch ( fish chowder ) and reaching over at the same time eating fries by the handful...I wasn't going to eat them anyway but come on.............I asked him if he was starving and he said yup!!!!!!!!! I said don't forget the cold slaw and he said no..I think I have had enough thanks.....tooooooooo much!

Case closed....I will never win this one!

I cannot imagine that, RJ...I'm so sorry!! My hubby wouldn't do that - he will ask me, but he wouldn't just take it...OMG it would infuriate me!!!

I'm so sorry to hear your husband is doing this. While I'm sure he thinks he's only helping, I'm sure you want to smack him. I agree with the poster that said to turn the tables on him. Ask him every day what his weight is or check it on the scale and discuss it with him and the decisions he made the previous day that could have contributed to his weight. IT IS 100% PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, but when "jokin" talking about it and a "serious" talking to don't work I absolutely support stooping to his level

JR, this is a pretty good post. http://kriscarr.com/blog/five-tips-for-establishing-and-maintaining-healthy-interpersonal-boundaries/