I got food-policed at 7.5 months out :(

[mistysj 1,939]

Actually this has been building up. My husband has become the FP again. Yesterday it was "do you need that cookie?" Today it was "wow that looks like a big lunch" (I didn't finish it but this is when I first sat down) and then the big one "I can't believe you already opened those chocolates we were given!"

Ok a few things here. First, I log everything. Second, I have not had a stall or any complaint about my rate of loss since being sleeved. Third, I make my own meals and have been quite independent where food is concerned since a year before my sleeve when I was doing medically supervised Optifast.

Fourth, and the big one. This was always his "role" in the past. For several years now I have had to assert that I need him not to do this. I grew up with the worst food police ever and never learned any independence about food when I was growing up. I have had to learn it as an adult.

I think he is starting to notice and work on his own weight. He just finished couch to 5k. He got me a Fitbit flex and the Aria scale for Christmas. He added himself to the scale and asked me for my old Fitbit one. I know he was either not weighing on the old scale (denial?) or weighing and not telling me about it. I don't bother him or ask him about his weight but I think seeing that my BMI is actually lower than his when he weighed on the new scale might have upset him. I think he sees himself as just a few kg e tea, but in fact his BMI is over 30 now.

So I did again ask him not to be the food police (both yesterday teasingly, and today quite seriously). He claimed that I hadn't lost any weight in a month. Actually I have lost 4 kg (8 lb), but I did mention that when I got back from a two week trip to India I was the same as when I left (I dropped a kg quickly the next day or two, because it was swelling from flying, but I didn't update him). I think he still doesn't trust that I won't screw this up. Fair enough, I still have those thoughts too.

But my sense of boundaries is a lot stronger now. I don't believe he has the right to act as though I don't look great. If I stop losing now, he should be ok with it. I am in a size 12, I am overweight BMI (almost all the health benefits come from dropping from obese into overweight, statistically), and have lost 35 kg (70 lb). If I had always been this weight I would not accept a man telling me I needed to lose, so he doesn't get to insinuate that either. He gets to be proud of me and trust me. Even if I gain, it is on me and not on him, right?

I'm just having a hard time with this. I don't want to get in a fight about it but I want to protect my boundaries and self esteem. And mostly I wanted to vent a little and put it out there for others to react to. What do you think?

[Bec101 227]

First up Big hugs Misty!! Secondly u have done so bloody well and u look fantastic!

I think ur hubby is finally seeing that ur doing so well and he feels like he needs to do something himself. My hubby is starting to try and lose some weight after seeing me moving and feeling so much better.

Maybe this is his way of holding onto the old way u guys lived before the sleeve and he might not see it as hurtful?

[mistysj 1,939]

Thanks for the support Bec and you are right, I think he thinks he is giving me helpful nudges. He has a pattern that he gets more judgey when he is in a watching-weight phase. I guess we all do that. I will try to be patient while still stating my boundaries.

[gmanbat 5,889]

Would it help to turn the tables, do some FP work on him? Done at the right times it could open his eyes as to how it feels,

My RNY wife and I do FP on each other occasionally, when we are sitting before a great meal I normally say, "Eat slow!" It is as much for me as it is for her. We look at each other's plates at buffets. We try to keep it good natured, just being coaches for each other.

We went to Christmas supper at my nieces house. She has beautiful dinnerware and all the place settings were mapped out and carded. Wife and I were given small plates, they ran out of big plates and knew that we eat like birds. They also knew that we would not be offended. I told my nephew who sat next to us, "See, I filled my plate up, too." He laughed as he had a big plate that was stacked vertically pretty high. Mine was covered but with gaps between items.

I think the big thing is to maintain humor and the underlying understanding that we care for each other and that clumsy attempts to help are still expressions of affectionate involvement.

Back to the coach thought. Men sometimes get a team mentallity. Members of a sports team or military squad prod each other to do better. Nothing personal is meant, it's just a striving to bring the team to success.

[Kay__S 33]

This is so frustrating to read! I'd love to sit down and talk to him about this! Of course, I am in my own marriage, where both of us have weight management issues. So I can more than identify with the kind of interactions you're talking about. We used to have a similar argument over driving.

Your husband is expressing his own anxieties, HIS fears, and they really are his problem, not yours. You are on your own journey. The only suitable response to his anxiety over your behavior is "Worry about yourself, not me." You don't answer to anyone but yourself.

I have a banquet of responses I use when my husband projects his own fears onto me. They are quick and designed to end the discussion by turning the tables. But the gist of them is "Worry about yourself, not me."

I'm going to stomp around the room now.

[jokerier 18]

My wife had her sleeve on december 16th and I was concerned with her moving forward too quickly to ask her how much she has eaten. She seemed to eat quite a lot for just having the surgery, as I saw her eating here and there. Well, turned out to me that she had only been getting 400-500 calories a day. I was only expressing concern for her health though, not trying to food police her. I certainly hope she has not taken my vocal concerns in this same manner. Thank you for opening my eyes to some of this.

I too am getting sleeved though, tomorrow is my date to be exact. Quite nervous and excited. I think this will really help out with our relationship with each other and with food. I'm happy to be on the same journey as my wife and look forward to our results!

[mistysj 1,939]

This is so frustrating to read! I'd love to sit down and talk to him about this! Of course, I am in my own marriage, where both of us have weight management issues. So I can more than identify with the kind of interactions you're talking about. We used to have a similar argument over driving. Your husband is expressing his own anxieties, HIS fears, and they really are his problem, not yours. You are on your own journey. The only suitable response to his anxiety over your behavior is "Worry about yourself, not me." You don't answer to anyone but yourself. I have a banquet of responses I use when my husband projects his own fears onto me. They are quick and designed to end the discussion by turning the tables. But the gist of them is "Worry about yourself, not me." I'm going to stomp around the room now.

I get what you are saying. I need to learn to express that thought in a loving way, I think. I don't want to be mean.

[mistysj 1,939]

My wife had her sleeve on december 16th and I was concerned with her moving forward too quickly to ask her how much she has eaten. She seemed to eat quite a lot for just having the surgery, as I saw her eating here and there. Well, turned out to me that she had only been getting 400-500 calories a day. I was only expressing concern for her health though, not trying to food police her. I certainly hope she has not taken my vocal concerns in this same manner. Thank you for opening my eyes to some of this. I too am getting sleeved though, tomorrow is my date to be exact. Quite nervous and excited. I think this will really help out with our relationship with each other and with food. I'm happy to be on the same journey as my wife and look forward to our results!

Thanks for your perspective! And all the best for your surgery tomorrow. Congratulations!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I understand the food police part..I have had this issue since I was sleeved over a year ago...The worst one is oh I thought you would not have been able to eat that much..Or you did good honey, you ate most of it...Decide am I eating too much or not enough...

I have now warned him that if he comments on my food intake I may quite possibly break his nose..This is a man who can chow down anything at any time and maybe lose weight as he is one of those people..

I know his heart is in the right place...i just need him to put it somewhere else.......So I get it!!!

I have resorted to the prospect of violence if he does not stop monitoring my food...lol

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Oh, Misty, I get it. I'm constantly getting the opposite comments right now. The hard part is that he clearly doesn't really want to know what kind of success I've had. I just get comments all the time. Usually they are about how I'm leaving him behind. The other day it was "It is really uncomfortable to go out and eat with you because you eat so little."

I know that these comments are about his own insecurity and his journey (with being in appeal for the surgery himself.) In fact, I know that if he succeeds with the appeal I will have to take a giant step back and let him find his own way with a lot of this. It's just very difficult to have both the concerns about the partner's weight and NOT be offensive in some way when you comment on it.

Good luck with all of this. Isn't it so hard to stand our ground?

[Barbarah 18]

I get food policed all the time. Sometimes I ignore it but sometimes it really gets to me. For example when my sister told me I was eating terribly and that she had just lost 7 lbs without even dieting! Same person who recommended the VSG to me because a friend of hers had been successful with it and then after I had the surgery told me I took the "easy way out". Seriously, do I laugh or cry?

[gamergirl 4,609]

This is a tough one in relationships, and with your childhood history it becomes a more serious issue I think. We used to have this pre-op where my husband, who has a lot less control over food than I do, would FP me. I was already feeling some guilt over what I was doing and it just infuriated me.

I came to realize that the problem was, if I went off the rails, I typically took him with me, and that was the underlying issue. Your husband may not be upset that YOU had chocolates. He may be worried that now that the box is open, HE may not be able to resist them. Policing you may be a way to ensure his own good behavior.

There are certain ways in which we do coach and support each other. Like gmanbat, I too always say "eat slowly" when we start primarily because he otherwise forgets and also to remind myself. I recently decided the evening Snacks, although planned and logged, felt too much like grazing so I suggested we not eat after 8 pm. I have had to encourage him to stick to that--but he AGREED to it and so he doesn't mind me saying something about it. (Also he's losing weight since he started doing that so he's motivated now).

And I think there's the difference for you husband to see. That if you ASK for help, it's great for him to give it to you. Otherwise, he needs to stay out of it.

I will say that this is the typical male brain--which I have--of helping via problem solving rather than helping via support so perhaps you could recognize his good intent and poor execution?

I agree with gmanbat sometimes it's men just trying to be helpful. In this instance, give him a project to help you on. Seriously. Give him one or two things to help you with, and ask him to please let you manage the rest on your own. He'll have a way to be supportive that works for him, and who knows, it might help you too.

For us, allowing my husband to feed me Snacks during the day so I'm not starving by afternoon has served that purpose. On my own, I wouldn't remember to eat at work, he feels like he's helping and supporting, and so we both benefit.

For all other comments, I simply direct him to examine my MFP diary. Facts are hard to argue with

[Seela 1,187]

Ah.. the dreaded food police! I had an "issue" with this big time at thanksgiving. Lol... I threw a fit and it has gotten better. It still happens from time to time but even though annoying I feel it's now out of simple curiosity or concern so I try not to flip out. Going postal seems to have worked for me though! Good luck!

[BellaHugz 331]

Misty, Oh my goodness this is a hard place to live in and my heart goes out to you and your hubby. It may be time to sit down and have a heart to heart tell him truthfully that you do not need him to constantly remind you or police you about your food intake. Ask him to shift the conversation from focusing on food and change it to positive renforcement such as the new challenge you want to take on.

Ask him if he wants to continue living in the past where as you we all know before the sleeve he thought his comments how ever so from the heart where just that in the past. You have turned the corner to a healty lifestyle and you both need to embrace to future not the past. The past judgements, suttle and not so suttle hints etc.

Best of luck to you both!

[LouiseC 1,029]

I found this challenging to read because I have recently realised how I am turning into the food police with my husband. He hasn't had WLS and doesn't need to though he is overweight. I criticise his choices, I tell him he is eating too fast, I find myself looking at his belly and imagining what he would look like with it gone. I have talked him into diets and the gym though I failed at attempts to get him logging on MFP. For all long time after surgery I was worried about him gaining weight because he would eat my left overs, now I actively police so he doesn't touch them most of the time and I am left feeling quite selfish as a consequence.

I am not proud of this and I have to say that even as I am typing I am wanting to delete. But your post has made me realise I need to cut it out! I don't want to be to him what you are describing you husband is being to you. I don't want to project my own issues with food onto the person I love so very much. I do say that it is about my concern for his health but actually I don't know if that is being completely honest once I reflect on it. I think it is more about my own issues with food. That, and wanting him to join me on the journey I am on. But I don't really have a right to do that, do I?

After all, this is the man who loved me when I was morbidly obese. This is the man who told me just yesterday, when I was complaining about my saggy skin, that he loves me regardless of what package I come in. This is the man who still saw me as beautiful at a time in my life when the mirror repulsed me.

I don't know why I am sharing all this here, your post just prompted it! I hope that what your husband is doing here is similar to what I am doing and more about his own issues with food than yours.

I have to go reflect now!