My mom is scaring me!

[EarthyGoalie 253]

Hi Guys, what I'm about to say has been going on since my surgery, but has gotten worse, and keeps getting worse!

My mother and I have been struggling with our weights for as long as I can remember. However, the difference between us is that I have a worse metabolism than she does, I have pcos, arthritis, insulin resistance. Whereas, she does not have those problems and has a great metabolism, BUT she does have horrible blood circulation, she has a valve in her heart that is very unstable.

Because of my issues, I eventually became obese, with a BMI of 40 (highest).

But my mother has been struggling with weight, but at her highest weight, had a BMI of 30. Nowadays, her BMI is 29.89 or something like that. Borderline overweight basically. But honestly, looking at her, her body was not made to withstand so much weight. Her legs and feet get swollen, she gets palpitations, she feels and seems as uncomfortable in her body as I did with a BMI of 40.

She is the one who told me to look into the sleeve and offered to pay for half of it for me, because I was going down a dangerous road and needed o do something with myself. So I really have her to thank for being healthier today, for having my life back.

NOW, here is the problem: since having the surgery, she has watched me get control o my life again, lose weight, look better, feel better, and even, for the first time in my life, being able to resist to some foods I wouldn't before. She is so proud of me, so happy for me. But it has been destroying her. She has concluded that she will never be able to lose weight and keep it off unless she also has the surgery. But guess what? No doctors want to do it for her. Because her BMI is less than 30, they either say it is not worth it, she needs to just diet and exercise more, or simply that she just isn't a candidate. She did confess to me that she feels like a pig for wanting the surgery when she has 40 lbs to lose, when other people need it more than she does. However, she is miserable now, and has given up on dieting. And let me tell you, we were experts in yoyo dieting. She'll lose 10lbs, gain 20. Than lose 20, gain back 10, and lose 5, gain 15. I mean, all over the place. And frankly, I'm scared for her health.

So she is scaring me. I feel like she's going to die of a heart attack. Like I said, though she is not technically in the obese category, her body seems to react as if she was. She has heard over and over to just diet and exercise. She has tried, but fails every time, then gets depressed and falls and stays within that vicious cycle many of us had been stuck in.

I don't know how else to help her but to just keep trying to cheer her on, and tell her she can do it. But she just does not believe that she can do it without the surgery anymore. Especially havin me around succeeding with it.

:-(

[Recycled 2,182]

Your surgery is not the reason you're losing weight.........What you're eating and how much you're eating is the reason. Explain this to your Mom and try to get her to follow your diet right along with you.....together. Motivate each other.

Eat the same foods and fluids and exercise together. It's worth a try.

[No game 14,436]

Your surgery is not the reason you're losing weight.........What you're eating and how much you're eating is the reason. Explain this to your Mom and try to get her to follow your diet right along with you.....together. Motivate each other. Eat the same foods and fluids and exercise together. It's worth a try.

Well shoot I coulda had a v8..

If it were as simple as that why did we have the surgery? Why are you having it??

[Carlotta1 401]

Talk to her honestly about how u feel. You see her destructive behavior ...you love her and want to help. You know I felt like your mom.. That unless I had the sleeve I would be doomed to have a BMI of over 40 the rest of my life. Your mom, bless her heart, (even though she is not morbidly obese , over 40 BMI..).struggles just like someone who is larger than her. I am sure she feels stuck..why don't u and your mom talk to your doc that performed the surgery any see whAt he says. He may influence her in understanding that she is not the best candidate for this type of surgery....I understand how she feels and what u are going through. My daughters went through the same experience as u did with your mom.

[Recycled 2,182]

Your surgery is not the reason you're losing weight.........What you're eating and how much you're eating is the reason. Explain this to your Mom and try to get her to follow your diet right along with you.....together. Motivate each other. Eat the same foods and fluids and exercise together. It's worth a try.

Well shoot I coulda had a v8..

If it were as simple as that why did we have the surgery? Why are you having it??

I'm having it just to come on this forum and bug you. What are your great words of wisdom?

[No game 14,436]

I'm having it just to come on this forum and bug you. What are your great words of wisdom?

Mexico.. They will do a 30 BMI.

[Dani.o.dani 67]

Mexico. One of my former co-workers had WLS done post baby at a BMI around 30. most people told her just to eat less and exercise, and that she shouldn't get the surgery because she was only temporarily heavy. she said her body hurt all of the time and being the size she was at was causing her extreme anxiety and depression. So instead of listening to naysayers, she paid 5k (this was some years ago) in cash and had a lap band put in. the last time i saw her she was extremely happy and very slender. If your mom has the cash it's amazing what doors it will open. Just because your mom may not fit into the ideal surgical candidate category, it's her body, it's her health, it's her money and it's her quality of life. Hopefully she finds a quality and reputable doctor. This site is filled with dr reviews and information about WLS in Mexico.

[EarthyGoalie 253]

Your surgery is not the reason you're losing weight.........What you're eating and how much you're eating is the reason. Explain this to your Mom and try to get her to follow your diet right along with you.....together. Motivate each other.

Eat the same foods and fluids and exercise together. It's worth a try.

Thanks but... We are both good addicts (well, recovering for me). And, not that I want to assume anything about you and your struggles and why you chose this surgery, but it isn't as simple as that for addicts such as ourselves. She has done the diet and exercise, but reaches a crashing point, and then do it all over again. Try all over again. Also, she did try to follow my diet. But when I eat one piece of low calorie toast and cheese, she will still be hungry, physically and mentally, and eat more of that. Then, instead of packing on 90 calories, it goes into the hundreds. Etc. this is just an example though.

Oh, and this is just something extra I want to add, but my mom thinks she has the biggest stomach on this planet! Lol.

[EarthyGoalie 253]

Talk to her honestly about how u feel. You see her destructive behavior ...you love her and want to help. You know I felt like your mom.. That unless I had the sleeve I would be doomed to have a BMI of over 40 the rest of my life. Your mom, bless her heart, (even though she is not morbidly obese , over 40 BMI..).struggles just like someone who is larger than her. I am sure she feels stuck..why don't u and your mom talk to your doc that performed the surgery any see whAt he says. He may influence her in understanding that she is not the best candidate for this type of surgery....I understand how she feels and what u are going through. My daughters went through the same experience as u did with your mom.

Thank you. We did speak to my surgeon together. But you are right, she feels stuck, and hopeless. Though I will continue to try and cheer her on and support her... It's just not easy. :-/

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Your surgery is not the reason you're losing weight.........What you're eating and how much you're eating is the reason.

I have to disagree. Yes, I am losing weight because of what I am eating and how much I am eating, but without surgery, I never would be able to maintain these new habits without my sleeve. If you truly believe this, why are you having surgery? I'm not being flip, I am genuinely curious.

To the OP. Has your mother considered self pay? The BMI requirement is much looser when you are paying yourself.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Oh, I feel you. I am struggling with my husband and the same issues right now. Self-pay is not an option right now, and in any case he doesn't want to go to Mexico.

Someone wise (or wise ass?) on another thread told me that the best you can do is be supportive. I have found that "helpful" suggestions fall on deaf ears, and that strangely enough he is even more entrenched in his bad habits since I've been sleeved. I do think in their hearts they are happy for us, but our success thus far makes them feel even more hopeless. I don't know why that should be, but it is. My husband in particular keeps telling me how "unfair" it all is that I "get to" do this and he is being left behind.

I think the guidelines are extremely arbitrary for those on the borderline. My husband has a 35 or 36 BMI, sleep apnea, and is basically just about diabetic, but he doesn't qualify. I had a 39/40 BMI and no comorbidities and flew through the approval.

I wish that the insurance companies would listen to the PCPs and loosen the requirements and I have to believe that eventually it will get a bit better that way. Hugs to you. Wish I had some brilliant suggestions.

[Arts137 1,811]

Your surgery is not the reason you're losing weight.........What you're eating and how much you're eating is the reason. Explain this to your Mom and try to get her to follow your diet right along with you.....together. Motivate each other.

Eat the same foods and fluids and exercise together. It's worth a try.

OK, if she can't have the surgery (and the cardiac issues might rule it out anyway!!!)

Just do it together and "forget" the sleeve...

Just eat strictly and be active.

YES, the sleeve is important (at least for me) but since she can't have it, you can play it down and focus on the things you can both do together.

[EarthyGoalie 253]

Oh, I feel you. I am struggling with my husband and the same issues right now. Self-pay is not an option right now, and in any case he doesn't want to go to Mexico.

Someone wise (or wise ass?) on another thread told me that the best you can do is be supportive. I have found that "helpful" suggestions fall on deaf ears, and that strangely enough he is even more entrenched in his bad habits since I've been sleeved. I do think in their hearts they are happy for us, but our success thus far makes them feel even more hopeless. I don't know why that should be, but it is. My husband in particular keeps telling me how "unfair" it all is that I "get to" do this and he is being left behind.

I think the guidelines are extremely arbitrary for those on the borderline. My husband has a 35 or 36 BMI, sleep apnea, and is basically just about diabetic, but he doesn't qualify. I had a 39/40 BMI and no comorbidities and flew through the approval.

I wish that the insurance companies would listen to the PCPs and loosen the requirements and I have to believe that eventually it will get a bit better that way. Hugs to you. Wish I had some brilliant suggestions.

Thanks. It seems we understand we each other. :-( and I'm sorry to hear that.

[EarthyGoalie 253]

I have to disagree. Yes, I am losing weight because of what I am eating and how much I am eating, but without surgery, I never would be able to maintain these new habits without my sleeve. If you truly believe this, why are you having surgery? I'm not being flip, I am genuinely curious.

To the OP. Has your mother considered self pay? The BMI requirement is much looser when you are paying yourself.

Yes, but my surgeon won't do it self pay unless she has a higher BMI than 30. Maybe Mexico would?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Yes, Mexico will.