Why am I ashamed that I had to have this surgery? Why am I not comfortable telling people that I had WLS? I am very open about my life and my choices, I don't seek other's approval nearly as much as some do, and I know I did the right thing for myself.

So what's the hang up here?

I've been wrestling with this since before the surgery. I've told a few close friends and family, but I live my life out in the open, it's one of my "trademarks" that I am very open about life and emotions—all except for WLS. I have no idea what I will tell people when they notice. And my time is running out. I'll be back on the road pretty soon, and I'm already down 20 lbs, so it's not too long before someone is going to say something (although they all swear they don't realize I've put on 45 lbs in the last year so who knows.)

I'm very driven, very type-A, very goal-oriented. If I want something, I go after it with a single-mindedness and a sense of purpose that is hard to miss. But here's the thing. I went after weight-loss with a vengeance too. I can't tell you how many different things I've tried in the last 4 years. One month is was all Paleo (put on 10 lbs). Then it was all vegetarian (lost nothing). Then it was Fuhrman's recommendations (blood sugar went up 20 points, lost nothing). Then it was everything in moderation, calories down to 1200 (lost nothing). On and on and on.

And then that very Quest to reach my goals led me to WLS. So however I get there, I am (probably) going to hit my goal to lose weight. Mission Accomplished, right?

So why don't I see it that way? Why am I ashamed that I have to admit I could not lose it on my own, and had to have surgery? Is it because I think it makes me come across as someone with no self-control? Trust me, I have self-control, that was not the issue. Is it because I think people will see me as a failure? Trust me, everyone who knows me professionally knows I am not a failure.

So what is it??

My husband had the best analogy today. He said to look at it as troubleshooting. That I kept trying this and that, and everything else, and I finally found something that looks like it will work. So take pride in your persistence, and in finding a solution and be happy. He's totally right.

So why do I still feel ashamed that I had to have this surgery?

I know somebody else on here has to have gone through the same thing and come out on the winning side, and I would love to hear your experiences. Thanks in advance for helping me.

Some people just find it easier not to tell everybody. I on the other hand told EVERYONE I work with and shared it on Facebook. I gave gotten nothing but positive feedback. Of course it comes with a million questions and stuff but it was the best choice I have made. I now have people in my corner who will pick me up when I'm having a bad day and since my surgery people I work with have started to eat healthier. They say they are doing it so I can keep eating healthy but I know it's cause they see me improving my life so why not them. I'm glad ice told everyone. It's very freeing and it doesn't feel like you have to hide behind your weight anymore.

So classic instance of as you sow, so shall you reap. What you give, you get back.

I go in to get a shot and the nurse says she is sick, I say I've just had surgery so I am trying to not get sick, she asks me what kind of surgery and I take a deep breathe and say ...

Weight loss surgery.

She is so happy for me, congratulates me, wow this and that (and of course, perversely I wished she had said, What?! You don't need it! But noooo, I am surrounded by super-supportive people who NEVER say that!). She wants to know what kind, I say sleeve.

And then she says...you know I had it last october. I've lost 78 lbs and I have 20 more to go. Wow. She says, I don't think it's anybody's business so I don't tell a lot of people but I wanted to tell you so you could be encouraged.

She proceeds to show me her excess skin on her arms, pulls down her pants, shows me her tummy, we both agree it's not that bad, and I walked out of there with a spring in my step.

What you give to the world, is what you get back. I put myself out there, and she gave me back support, and information I needed. Life, she is good.

So classic instance of as you sow, so shall you reap. What you give, you get back.

I go in to get a shot and the nurse says she is sick, I say I've just had surgery so I am trying to not get sick, she asks me what kind of surgery and I take a deep breathe and say ...

Weight loss surgery.

She is so happy for me, congratulates me, wow this and that (and of course, perversely I wished she had said, What?! You don't need it! But noooo, I am surrounded by super-supportive people who NEVER say that!). She wants to know what kind, I say sleeve.

And then she says...you know I had it last october. I've lost 78 lbs and I have 20 more to go. Wow. She says, I don't think it's anybody's business so I don't tell a lot of people but I wanted to tell you so you could be encouraged.

She proceeds to show me her excess skin on her arms, pulls down her pants, shows me her tummy, we both agree it's not that bad, and I walked out of there with a spring in my step.

What you give to the world, is what you get back. I put myself out there, and she gave me back support, and information I needed. Life, she is good.

That is a great experience:) I was at a deli and I mentioned that I can't eat much due to stomach surgery and the woman waiting on me said she had the lap band last year. Lost 110 pounds. We talked a bit and she let me order a half portion of anything.

I also had someone at church come up to me and ask questions because she is thinking about the sleeve. It's nice to be encouraging to others and share my experience.

I can totally relate- it's a weird mix of emotions. I am elated that I am going to put a stop to this- to reach a healthy weight once and for all, but I am also ashamed and disappointed in myself. Not just for failing at dieting for the past thirty years, but after my botched attempt at gastric bypass surgery, I swore that that experience would be my wake up call to finally do it. Well, surprise, I didn't and here I am finishing up my pre op stuff for the second time around.

I have been thinking about this since you posted it yesterday and I feel for you. I think what you're going through has to be much harder. Sending you hugs. Kudos to you for doing the right thing for yourself.

I didn't even know it was possible to get a sleeve after RNY so I learned something yesterday too.

I can't speak to your motivations but I do know that for me, in the beginning (when I wasn't telling anyone) it was because deep down I believed everything my doctors, skinny friends and The Biggest Loser told me.

Basically, that being fat was entirely due to being lazy. That if I did anything other than exercise ten hours a day and eat a special diet, I was somehow cheating. That if I would just try harder, one more time, I'd finally succeed and do it the "right way." You know, without slicing out part of a major organ.

So I didn't tell people because just having surgery felt like a failure to me. Yes, it was a big step towards never being morbidly obese again. But it felt like finally admitting diet defeat.

It didn't help that the only people I knew at that point that had surgery were bypass patients that were over 400 pounds - my 250 pounds made me feel like I was cheating the system.

Now I'll tell anyone. I don't really care what people think. I've come a long way from there. I had surgery, yes. Some people wouldn't agree with that. But I'm going to maintain my loss. And it wasn't the easy way out, no matter how many people think so.

Those people that busted their butt on The Biggest Loser while being shouted at and physically challenged to the extreme almost every day? Only a handful maintained their loss. I chose a sustainable way to live my life. I'm already a success and I'm not going to stop being one. My success wasn't dependent on a personal trainer and chef and ten hours of exercise a day.

In the end, I chose what works for me. How could I possibly be ashamed of that?

~Cheri

I can't speak to your motivations but I do know that for me, in the beginning (when I wasn't telling anyone) it was because deep down I believed everything my doctors, skinny friends and The Biggest Loser told me.

Basically, that being fat was entirely due to being lazy. That if I did anything other than exercise ten hours a day and eat a special diet, I was somehow cheating. That if I would just try harder, one more time, I'd finally succeed and do it the "right way." You know, without slicing out part of a major organ.

In the end, I chose what works for me. How could I possibly be ashamed of that?

~Cheri

This is a large part of it for me. I think people believe all fat people are lazy and lack self-control and that if only we would work at it more, or try harder.

In fact I know NO one who works at it more, thinks about it more, worries about it more than fat people.

My surgeon's office said they had worked on several people from the Big Loser. (I'm so out of pop culture that I had to google what the heck that was). But what they're doing to those people is not sustainable.

I just came across one of your posts about slow losses and it's got me thinking about how I want to approach this journey. Do I want to hit the finish line as fast as possible by doing whatever it takes?

Or am I willing to admit that this is the rest of my life, and what I need to do now, is start living it today as I mean to go on? (I mean, not literally today, I don't want to drink shakes and Soup for the rest of my life but you know...)

I'm leaning to living it as I mean to go on. Historically, I've given up everything else to lose the weight, stopped eating certain things, exercised like a fiend...and then when I go back to my regular life and moderation, it all comes back on and brings several more of its friends.

Maybe it's okay if it takes longer, but builds in me, sustainable habits. Maybe I will use that time to get my head in the right place, about long-term maintenance, about how many of society's bad views about fat people I have internalized, that I may need to let go of in the next few months.

Tell them diet And excersise it really is none of their business

At first I didn't want to tell anyone. Some people for certain reasons but others because I felt ashamed. Before surgery I had one family member actually tell me I was taking the "easy way" I couldn't believe it. This is far from easy it's a major life change and its not like you wake up and boom your skinny, you still have to do the work. Some people don't realize that.

I've been feeling the same way on and off recently. I have told some people but at the same time I find the need to defend myself (which thankfully I havent had to do much) but I did have one friend who said I was "doing it the easy way" and I really resented that because some people just think I decided to get this, walked into my doctors office, jumped on the table and said "okay lets do this" and I walked out 135 pounds less an hour later. Personally I think its jealousy.

It's respectable to be a little guarded. Our culture perceives this as a weakness and its not. It took me a while to realize that needing this help and asking for it was a sign of strength, not weakness and I think this kind of puts a Type A woman in an oddly vunerable position. But that's not your burden to bear, it's theirs.

This is your life, live it on your terms.

I refuse to justify my decisions about my life to anyone. However, that being said, I elected to tell people in my time in my priority order. This decision was reached by me for medical reasons. In my case I had a post surgical incisional hernia, that could not be repaired and kept repaired, without loosing the excess weight that placed so much pressure on the sutures. I was older (56) and looking a DM (latent diabetes runs in both my mom and my dad's families) and higher BP, in my not so distant future. I did my research and shared it with my partner (who I had a hard time explaining how I knew I could no long do anything that would improve my weight any longer). I scheduled the appt. with a local surgeon and within minutes, he was able to confirm what I already knew in my heart, I needed surgery to fix what was wrong with me. It was not a moral issue, but a medical one. Your insurance knows this, or they wouldn't pay for this medical procedure, if it was something that was only a result of bad choices or esthetics. Ask them if they paid for it because your are bad, lazy, or otherwise guilty of self neglect? I agree that it is a pay it forward kind of move to show that this surgery is there for those that need it, and that it does work if you do your part to use the WLS as a tool to recovery of health. Surgery is only a very small part of the process, when you get right down to it. If you have the surgery and you don't do the "hard yards" post surgery, you will not reap the benefits that the surgery makes possible for you. Lastly, I found I needed & wanted others support and others watching my progress. It helped keep me motivated and honest. I hope this helps in some some way. I am sure you will do just fine. Bottom line tell who you want, what you want to tell them, when/if you want to tell them. This is a very selfish process, we did it for ourselves and our health. That's sure a good enough reason in my opinion. Stay strong and be well.

Karen

I had the lapband in 2008 and was always scared to tell people that I had WLS.....when the mentioned the weight loss or the "how did you do it" I would say change in diet and exercise which wasn't a lie.....now I Am going to have the sleeve on August 29th at the same hospital I work at as an ER nurse so I though what the hell.....I've told everyone....so what....it's my body my business....of course I get the, "oh Denise are you sure you want to do that?" Or the "you don't look heavy enough"......but I also get the "good for you" and a lot of encouragement......so whatever you choose to do tell or not to tell, the only persons business it is is yours.....

I'm scheduled for surgery on the 26th. I started off very slowly telling just a few people. Every single person I told has been so supportive. I have not gone so far as to announce it on Facebook but I feel a lot more comfortable telling people. I think you might be surprised when/if you start telling people. When people who don't know ask me about the weight loss I plan to say, diet, exercise, and surgery.

Gamergirl -

First off, what a great thread. I think this is one of the most supportive threads I have ever run through. Thanks for starting it.

I see so many commonalities between myself and most of the people posting here.

For me - admitting to WLS meant admitting to having a weight problem. Simple right? Except I buy into all the bs that I am a failure because I was not able to "get this under control", that I had "let myself go".

Being a significant critic of myself held me back and I got to the point where I was avoiding mirrors and sizing up everyone in the room...but it was becoming clear that I was just going to keep getting bigger/unhealthy if I didn't do something.

I believe I am a very authentic person. Not completely transparent but I try to be as authentic as I can. Saying that, this procedure is a medical one. People need to respect other people's decisions to keep medical information private. There are privacy protections in place for that very reason.

I told some of my family and some of my friends. 90 percent of the reactions were positive. Of course, I still think about the 10 percent and their comments. (Have to stop doing that to myself). One of these people did reveal my confidence, it was devastating - the breaking of the confidence combined with the gossiping. I was so very very sad. I want to not care about these people that are gossiping but... it is just an emotional process for me.

This medical journey is something that is personal to you. Your privacy should be respected. You are not a liar or lacking authenticity if you decide to keep medical information to yourself. People who are badgering you for private information should be ashamed. It is none of their business.

I will never forget the headline when Chris Christie got his lapband: "Chris Christie Reveals Secret Lap Band Surgery". The TV announcer was almost outraged that Chris decided to keep this information private. They kept saying how he "secretly" went to have surgery one weekend and "failed" to reveal it.

Medical information is private. It should only be revealed with consent. You know your life the best and you get to choose how to tell people on your terms. And if you choose not to tell people, that is your right and privilege. If they push you into a position where you do not have an answer to a question, they are the rude one. You are not required to answer impolite questions.

I respect your decision. You do what is best for you. There is nothing wrong or improper for choosing not to tell people. Same goes for telling people. It is your choice.

Best of luck to you in your journey!

I had my sleeve a year & a half ago. I've only told family & close friends. I was very embarrased about people's reactions & wanting to keep my personal life private.

I still have not chosen to tell work collegues... And now I wish I had upfront, as it would have been so much easier.. I work in the healthcare industry and there are alot of people within my department. Doctors, nurses etc. I feel the guilt of living a lie and I feel ashamed of having to need help!

But this has given me my life back, I work hard everyday, I'm now physically active at the gym regularly, watching my eating, reading the packets of things, seein dietitians, personal trainers! I couldn't be in a better state of mind, but feel awful for Lying to people.

On a regular basis like most of you I have people asking me about my weight loss, saying I'm fading away, I look fabulous.. I don't know what to say..I say I excercise & eat well which is true, but the guilt eats me up inside because I hate lying..

And because I've kept it a secret for so long I wouldn't know how to tell them. And once you tell one person, everyone knows...that's over 100 people in my department plus the other departments once people start gossiping..

I'm sure they have their suspicions, but I was just so worried about their reactions.. I had previously heard some people say some nasty things about WLS and because I was initially unsure of my decision, I wasn't ready to let in any negative opinions.. I didn't come to my decision likely, like others I'd stuggled with different diets for years.. It took me one year to contemplate having the surgery..

It would have been easier had I of told people initially bc I returned back to work after 2 weeks post op, and was exausted.. My job is manual and on your feet. It is rare but there are some days I might go 6 hours without a break, Which nearly kills me sometimes, but I don't want people making exceptions for me either.

Just unsure what to do now, as I've left it so long, not sure how to tell people.. They may feel hurt I kept it from them.. But I hate the daily questions of people asking me about my weight loss, bc I feel its all a lie.. I want to feel proud when they congratulate me, instead I feel guilt bc I haven't told them the truth and i feel I am

Taking credit for something I didn't do entirely myself. I have worked my arse off & non of it has been easy, but I've always been someone that cares alot about other peoples opinions.

I know I am now strong enough to take on any negative opinions & I know I have prevented a future of cardiac problems, diabetes, high cholesterol, diabetes etc. I am

Happy with my decision, so why can't I just be open about it, Instead of feeling ashamed?

My weight problem is so related to shame that i cannot relieve one without letting go of the other. I recommend youtubing brene browns ted talk on shame.